Fashionably Dead in Diapers (19 page)

The stairs were lit with torches. I rolled my eyes. How medieval and pretentious could you get? I sensed Fairies and Vamps. Jackpot. Both scents were vaguely familiar…Did I know the seductive Martha and Jane? Was one of our Fairy allies in the dungeon? Was there a traitor in our midst?

At the bottom of the stairs, I stopped. Two paths led to different sections of the prison. I closed my eyes and let my nose take over.

"Wait," Susu hissed. "Do you want to go solid?"

"Why would we do that?" I shook my head and plopped her onto my shoulder.

"So your hot-to-trot Vamps will see us. It will be easier to break them out if they can see someone is here to rescue them. Plus, it pulls on our magic to stay invisible and we're gonna need it."

"Point. You go to the left and I'll go right. Don't yell if you find them. Speak to me in my head. You clear?" I asked as I let my cloaking drop.

"Yes, best friend of mine. I am clear."

I stayed low and close to the wall as I made my way down the corridor. Most of the cells were empty. Where were the Fairies that were moaning and screaming? Dear Uncle God, I prayed it hadn't been Martha and Jane. A force so beautiful and inviting pulled me down the path. A sense of peace warmed me and I felt lighter than I had in days. What the Hell was at the end of the hallway? I felt no fear. Had I lost my edge? Was this some kind of magical compulsion?

Six feet ahead there was a cell. Bits and pieces of sparkling light burst in spurts from the metal bars. I was like a moth drawn to a flame. What was in there? I levitated to silence my footsteps and slowly floated toward the light. I wanted to be part of that magic. It was a sorcery so pure and good I needed it.

I peeked into the cell and swallowed my gasp. In the corner of the cell sat a man—a breathtaking man. His beauty was absurd. He sat quietly with his eyes closed and his face turned toward the sky. His hands rested in his lap and he hummed a haunting tune. His magic swirled around him and made me slightly lightheaded. I felt nothing sexual for him. No, it was different. I wanted him to like me—to smile at me.

"Are you alright?" I whispered.

He opened his eyes and stared. His gaze was questioning and he watched me as I moved closer to the bars of his cage.

"You're not a Fairy," he said softly. Shitballs, had the essence crap that Susu drenched me in not worked? I should have stayed in the body of Pink.

"Yes, I am." As soon as the lie passed my lips I laughed in embarrassment. It was kind of like lying to the Dalai Lama or Mother Theresa or my Uncle God. The man said nothing. He just smiled and waited.

"Okay, um…you're correct. I'm not a Fairy, but you're not supposed to be able to tell. I'm actually a Vampyre-Demon on a mission to save my friends and you saw through my disguise, which means I should kick Susu's ass. Sorry," I muttered. "I meant butt, not ass. Damn it, I did mean ass, but lying to you is fucking hard. Shit, I meant freakin' hard." Diarrhea of the mouth seemed to be my new M.O. "Alright, I did mean fucking, but I know I shouldn't say that. It's unladylike. However, I'm fairly sure I'm not much of a lady, but I don't have full access to my memory at the moment. I'm basically working on half a tank, which sucks…each time a piece of the puzzle comes back I have a mini seizure of sorts. Not very pretty. Oh, and Susu is a Mini Elf that eats bad Fairies like my Baby Demons eat bad Demons, which is totally gross. You know, the kind of thing that makes you want to hurl. I'm a Vampyre and from everything I've heard we can't actually throw up and ahh…Oh my Hell, did you follow any of that?" I asked, mortified.

"Yes my child, unfortunately I followed all of it," he said.

"I am so sorry. You're just…"

"It's alright," he said kindly. "I know. My name is The Dave. Who might I have the pleasure of knowing entirely too much about?"

"Oh my God, you're The Dave?" He nodded and grinned. I almost fell over he was so pretty. I was about to beg him to adopt me, but remembered I hadn't told him my name. "I'm Astrid. The Kev is my friend and teacher. We're here in Xanthia because The Corrine stole a baby and some concubines. She thought the baby was Gemma's."

"Gemma?" He stood and walked to the bars. I couldn't help myself. I took his warm hand in mine.

"Gemma is the True Fairy Queen. She's my best friend and the baby doesn't belong to her. The Corrine was going to trade Gemma for the baby."

"Is Gemma here?" he asked as his eyes lit with joy. "We have waited so long for her."

I absolutely hated to disappoint him. I almost lied again and told him she was down the hall so he would keep smiling at me. "No, it's not safe yet. She's in Hell."

"Interesting."

"Yep, The Kev cut a deal with my Uncle Satan and sent Gemma there because the Fairies won't go to Hell to get her."

"The Kev is a smart man. I worry at the price for such a favor."

"Yeah, well, The Kev didn't care."

"And who are you, Astrid? You are far more than a Vampyre-Demon."

How did this man see so much? He was like The Kev, but wiser somehow. "I'm a True Immortal. I'm Compassion."

"Of course you are."

His delight at my confession made me want to tell him more, but that pretty much covered it. Any more would be lying and I didn't want to go there again.

"You are a sight for sore eyes. I haven't had contact with anyone other than the guards in a very long time," he said.

"How long?" I asked as I gauged if I could break the lock and free him. It was warded with heavy magic.

"Time is relative when you are as ancient as I am, but I believe it's been several hundred years."

"Holy shit, how did you not go nuts? I meant holy cow…no, I didn't."

"It's alright, child." He chuckled as I hung my head in shame. Did I have no filters at all? "As I said, time is relative and I stay alive and well because I wait for our True Queen. The news you have brought me validates my belief and I am happy."

"Let me help you get out of here," I said as sparks began to fly from my fingertips. I was going to blast the fucking lock, free The Dave and then ask him if he'd be interested in adopting me.

"No, Astrid. You must leave me here. There are prophecies that must be fulfilled. This is not in line with what needs to happen. Go and save your friends. I will be fine. You have given me the hope today that I have longed for. It is a gift that is priceless."

"Are you sure?" I asked dejectedly. If I didn't free him, he wouldn't want to adopt me.

"I am sure and if I had a daughter, I'd like her to be just like you."

I shook my head and laughed. "Are you inside my head?"

"No, dear, your face is very transparent. Go now. I can feel that time is of the essence."

"I hope I see you again."

"I wish for the same. Let me give you a gift." He held out his other hand and I took it. He closed his eyes and hummed a tune that made me melt. There was no pain, but an odd sensation washed over me.

"What did you do?" I asked as he released my hands.

"As you regain your mind you will no longer feel pain. It won't be comfortable, but it will not debilitate you. Now go."

I smiled, turned and ran. All of a sudden everything seemed more urgent. Shitfirebitchballs. I knew that I was fated to meet The Dave, but had I lost precious minutes that I needed to save everyone? I flew like lightning toward the other path and ran smack into Susu. We both hit the ground with a thud and then gingerly sat up. For such a tiny thing she had a hard head.

"Watch where you're going much?" she snapped.

"I could say the same. Did you find them?"

"Um…I think so." The bizarre grin on her face made me itchy.

"What?" I demanded.

"Not quite sure how to describe it. You'd better just come with me."

Oh my God, this was going to be bad. I could feel it.

"Oh, and I figured out two more legal potty words," she squeaked with glee.

"Spit 'em out." With the way the day had been going I could use a few more.

"Cock means male chicken and pussy means cat." Her self-satisfied grin made me laugh.

"You are brilliant. Gemma will love you."

"Ohhhhhhhhh, do you really think so?" She shook with excitement. "I so want her to love me."

"She will," I promised. "Now take me to Martha and Jane."

Susu's face scrunched into an expression I couldn't define. Was it constipation? "Um, sure, boss. Your wish is my command."

Her laugh made my stomach churn. Something was up with Martha and Jane. Did I really want to meet Ethan's lovers? No. Was I going to man up and treat them with respect? Yes. Yes, I was. No matter how beautiful they were and how jealous I was, I could do this. I would do this.

This was going to suck.

Chapter 16

Teaching your child to respect his elders is important. The elderly have earned our courtesy and regard. However, if the elder is an asshole simply teach your child to pretend he is from a foreign country and does not speak the language. This will ensure that they can politely ignore the old bastards.

"Is this a fucking joke?" I demanded as I stared at the two old lady Vampyres flipping me the bird from the corner of their cell. "Where are Martha and Jane?"

"Well, if it's not Boobs McGee," one of them said as she hopped up and danced over to the bars. Her clothing was appalling—light blue yoga pants with a lime green halter and black orthopedic shoes. The halter was not friendly to her sagging bosom, but she didn't seem to give a crap. Neither did her almost identical buddy. I closed my eyes and pinched the bridge of my nose. We were wasting time we didn't have. Furthermore, I thought Vampyres were supposed to be good looking. These little rude things blew that theory to Hell.

"As far as I know my name is not Boobs McGee. Who in the Hell are you?" I hissed.

She looked at me with wide and surprised eyes. The other little heinous Vamp hustled over to the bars, craned her fleshy neck out and stared.

"You don't know who we are?" she demanded. "What the fuck happened to you?"

Did I know them? They certainly seemed to know me. Was my name really Boobs McGee? I was kind of getting used to Astrid. Boobs McGee was hideous. You couldn't even shorten that one…the nickname would be BM. Nice.

"If I knew who you were I wouldn't ask," I snapped as sparks began to spit from my fingertips. They paled and backed away in terror.

"Hang on to your britches, Hooters McKnockerland," one of them said. It was a little difficult to tell them apart.

"I thought you said my name was Boobs McGee," I ground out through clenched teeth. Why did I feel the need to smack them around? They were old ladies, for God's sake.

They exchanged evil little smirks and cackled with glee. "Actually," the one on the right said, "you go by several names: Knockers Boobtastic, Rack LaGinormous, Chesty McMelons, Titty DuHooter…"

"Betty Badoinkies, Mound LaChesticles, Gazonga Flapdoodle and Pillows Magambos," the one the left added with an incredibly straight face.

"Enough," I yelled. It was clear they could go on all day. If one of those was really my name I was going to kill myself. It had to be around five and I knew from the billboard the
American Idol
show was at eight—time was running out. "Tell me where Martha and Jane are and I will consider helping you two imbeciles escape."

Their silence and slack-jawed expressions were unnerving. Crap, what was going on here?

"Um…that's Martha and Jane," Susu mumbled.

"Bullshit," I said as I stared in shock at the women that I'd been jealous of for two days. If it wasn't so embarrassing I'd laugh. "You're Martha and Jane?" I demanded as I stalked closer to their cell.

Backing away in fear they nodded like bobble heads. "We are. I'm Martha," the slightly shorter one said.

"And I'm Jane," the other one muttered as she contemplated me like a science experiment.

"What are you staring at?" I huffed out in exasperation.

"It's not as much fun to fuck with you when you don't know who we are," Martha said as Jane grunted in agreement.

I ran my hand through my hair and stared at the floor for a long moment. Clearly I knew them, but I didn't remember them. These were the Vamps I was supposed to save. They were annoying as Hell, but I was certain they were not Ethan's lovers. He'd been telling the truth. How did The Reggie think they were sexy? Would wonders never cease?

"I'm having a little memory snafu at the moment. Don't tell me anything that I don't ask you. It could doom the life of Ethan's child. Do you follow me?"

"Ethan's child?" Martha asked in confusion.

"Yes. Were you kidnapped with the baby?"

"Um…kind of," Jane mumbled, staring at my face like I had multiple noses.