Fashionably Dead in Diapers (23 page)

"No," Susu hissed and grabbed me with a strength I didn't know she possessed. "You'll fuck it all up. Let Martha and Jane sing and then you can rip her to shreds."

"Why is he just standing there and letting her slime all over him?" I demanded as I tried to break free of her hold. Shit, she was really strong.

"The baby. I'm sure she's threatened him with the baby—same as The Kev."

"She did," an unfamiliar little voice informed us.

"Yep, I heard the slut bag ho-mamma say she'd cut the child to shreds if he didn't mate with her skanky ass," another chimed in.

WTF? Two tiny Mini Elves appeared and sat their perfect little asses down next to us. I was speechless. I didn't know more existed. The cat may have had my tongue, but Susu was another story.

"What do you think you're doing here?" she shouted. "You left me in a bar and disappeared."

"That was nine hundred and eighty years ago," the one on the right sniffed. "Are you still not over that?"

This was insane and I really didn't have time to deal with Mini Elf drama. I had my own drama unfolding before my eyes. However, their arrival did stop me from killing The Corrine before I was allowed to. Point for them.

"Who in the fuck are you?" I demanded as I pulled Susu back. She had rolled up her sleeves and was preparing to fight. Not happening.

"Who are you?" the one on the left fired back. "You're very pretty, but you are not a Mini Elf. I sense Vampyre and Demon."

"You sense right. Now answer my question first or I'll let Susu loose on you."

They backed away and grumbled indignantly.

"I'm Lulu," the gorgeous one with skin as black as night, deep chocolate eyes and a shock of wild blue hair on her perfect head said. Amazingly, she made the blue tresses work.

"Of course you are," I drawled and laughed. "And who are you?" I asked the one with creamy skin, mounds of auburn curls, green eyes and freckles. "Tutu?"

"Absolutely not." She was beyond insulted. Her face reddened with fury and Susu giggled. "Tutu is a two-timing hooker with bad breath and toe fungus," the tiny redhead hissed. "If you ever call me that again, I will go ballistic on your ass. My name is Huhu."

"I'm in Hell," I muttered. "I'm hanging out with Elves named Susu, Lulu and Huhu."

"I can assure you you're not in Hell," Huhu said. "You're in Xanthia, and while Hell is tacky as all shit, Xanthia is tackier. I've been. Trust me on this."

"I've been too, little Elf, and I'd have to agree with you," I said. I wondered why she had been down under.

"Your name?" Lulu asked with her hands on her hip.

"Astrid, aka Boobs McGee," I told her.

Susu rolled around on the girder in a fit of giggles.

"What's so funny?" Huhu asked, confused. "Boobs McGee isn't that bad." Lulu nodded her agreement.

"Whatever. She's a True Immortal Vampyre-Demon, so don't fuck with her," Susu said as she regained control of herself. The two others stared at me in awe. "Why are you here and why shouldn't I kill you dead where you stand? I got locked in a fucking Genie bottle because you two imbeciles left me in that bar."

"Oh my stars," Lulu gasped and fell to her knees. "I am so sorry. We had no idea. We thought you were grooving on the Mini Warlock with the tight ass and Gucci shoes."

WTF? Mini Warlocks exist?

"I was," Susu snapped. "He had an enormous package and was fabu in the sack. However, twelve days later I was abducted by a fucking Genie and shoved in a bottle for five hundred years."

I cleared my throat and gave her the eyeball. Extending the years with a stinky Genie was not wishful thinking.

"Fine." She rolled her eyes and stamped her foot. "It was slightly less than five hundred years, but it felt like it."

"I'm a little confused here," Lulu said as she wrinkled her brow in thought. "How in the fucking shit were we responsible for that? You got laid by a Warlock with a huge Johnson. We weren't even around when you got kidnapped."

She had a point.

Susu darted up in the air, kicking her legs and swearing. She huffed and puffed—basically threw a hissy fit. She gathered herself and slowly floated back down. Apparently she was done. I bit down on my lip so I wouldn't laugh, but I stayed poised to yank her off of Huhu and Lulu. There was no telling what she would do.

"You're right," she admitted sheepishly to her very relieved friends. "I forgot. You know how it is. Sometimes the centuries all meld together." The other tiny crazies nodded in agreement and then they all hugged and kissed each other.

"Look, I'm happy that you and your buddies are friends again, but I'm here to basically save the world and you guys are a distraction."

"Ohhh, we want to help," Lulu said in a bloodthirsty voice that made me a little uncomfortable.

"Yes, we will help," Huhu agreed readily. "How is it that you're tiny like us?"

Susu blanched and pretended to be engrossed in the preshow activities below.

"Susu," Huhu gasped. "You didn't."

Lulu started to pace and wring her hands. A pit developed in my belly and I turned to Susu and waited.

"It was the only way to save her and everyone else in this clusterfuck. She was trapped in a cell with two heinously dressed, older than dirt, singing Vampyres and she was too large to escape…so I shrunk her," Susu screeched. "What else was I supposed to do?"

"Did you shrink the other Vamps?" Lulu inquired.

"No. They're singing for their lives tonight. Literally. I only shrunk Astrid. However, as I told you before, Astrid's a True Immortal. Only half of her brain is working at the moment and the point is
she needed me."

"I thought her name was Boobs McGee," Huhu said.

"Shut up, Huhu," Susu snapped.

"Holy shit." Lulu was beside herself, which made the pit in my stomach grow to a boulder. "You shrunk a fucking True Immortal?"

"Um…yes," Susu admitted morosely.

"She's eighty three percent sure that she can make me big again," I volunteered lamely.

"It's a very fucking good thing we're here," Huhu said as she rolled up her sleeves. "Susu could never make you big by herself, but the three of us have a twenty-six and a half percent chance of doing it if we work together."

I gave Susu a look that could kill and put my hand on my stomach to calm the storm that was in full swing. "Twenty-six and a half?" I choked out. Those odds sucked. At least when I got home, I wouldn't have to worry about telling my husband I was in love with another man…he'd take one look at the tiny me and kick my ass to the curb. One problem solved. Hell, I hoped my thirteen kids would understand.

"It's better than two percent," Huhu said as she slapped Susu in the head.

"I'm gonna try to look at the positive here," I said tersely. "It's difficult, but I will try."

"See?" Susu trilled. "She's not mad and it will all be fine."

"Cakehole…shut it," I ground out.

"Roger that."

"Okey-dokey, True Immortal-Vampyre-Demon," Lulu said as she and Huhu approached me dangling their wrists. "Drink up."

"Why?" I asked suspiciously. I wasn't sure if this would help or keep me mini-sized for all eternity.

"Because we have to be connected to you in order to have a chance in Hades that this will work," Lulu explained.

Time was wasting and the show was ready to start. I grabbed their wrists and drank. They both giggled like loons while Susu jumped around like a cheerleader. No one was going to believe this if I made it out of here in one piece. No one.

Lulu had eaten cookies—chocolate ones and Huhu had clearly had indulged in sour cream and onion chips. Not a good combo, but I couldn't be picky at the moment. I was simply thrilled they hadn't eaten any bad Fairies—I did not want to know what that tasted like. I licked the puncture marks and closed the wounds.

"That was awesome!" Huhu and Lulu squealed as they danced around me in glee.

"Thank you and you're welcome. You should both lay off the junk food."

They stared at me in confusion.

"She can taste what we've eaten," Susu explained as the girls oohed and ahhed at this bizarre information. "Now let's lay it out, boss. Tell these gals what they need to know."

I did. As I told them every little detail as their eyes grew rounder with excitement. They were bloodthirsty little nut jobs. Thankfully, they were on my side.

"So let me get this straight," Huhu said as she sat down on the rafter and chewed her little nails. "Bon Jovi is really Ethan in disguise. He's some kind of Prince and the buttjamber, The Corrine, mistakenly stole his baby thinking it was Gemma's, who is the true Fairy Queen. That assbag wants to mate with Ethan and she's using the baby as collateral. And by the way, congrats on bagging that job with Gemma, Susu." Susu preened as the other two turned green with envy.

I ignored the petty bullshit and waited for more questions.

"So," she continued. "The disgusting old Vamps will sing or get decapitated and then we get to eat The Reggie and The Corrine?"

"Kind of," I said. "The main goal here is to save Ethan and his baby Samuel. Eating The Reggie and The Corrine will be a bonus."

"I can work with that," Lulu said agreeably.

"It seems to me you have a somewhat unhealthy obsession with Jon Bon Jovi," Huhu observed.

My eyes narrowed and sparks began to fly from my fingertips. They back away and huddled together.

"She does," Susu volunteered. "But don't talk about it. Ever. She's married to some human dude and has twenty-four kids. Plus, Ethan is married to someone else. So mum’s the word."

"Um…" Lulu raised her hand.

"Yes?" I snapped.

"You have twenty-four children?"

"No. At least I don't think I do…I might. I just can't remember."

"Wow, that sucks," Huhu said as she patted my shoulder in sympathy.

"Yes, it does," I said morosely. "Now watch the show. We'll strike at the end after Martha and Jane win."

"Is that all the plan you have?" Huhu asked.

"Yep. I like to work by the seat of my pants," I said with way more confidence than I felt.

All three of them exchanged glances and shrugged.

"Sounds good to me," Susu said.

"Me too," Huhu added.

"Me three," Lulu chimed in.

"Me four," I said with a smile that didn't quite reach my eyes. "Everything will be fine."

It had to be.

Chapter 19

Children are resilient. Adults, not so much. While it is responsible to monitor what your child watches on television, make sure you protect yourselves from the truly horrid things that come over the airwaves (mainly reality shows except for Project Runway—that one is fine). While children may forget with time, adults can be scarred for life. We are serious.

Tone deaf was a supreme understatement. Listening to Fairies sing was like chewing glass and swallowing it. The four of us winced in agony as Fairy after Fairy butchered everyone from Madonna to Steven Perry. Satan would blow a gasket if he heard them desecrating his idol.

"I'm going to die," Lulu moaned as a gorgeous Fairy proceeded to destroy Christina Aguilera's “Beautiful”.

"Holy Hell," I mumbled. "I might join you."

The Simon was not kind at all. He was more vicious than he'd ever been on the version of
American Idol
I'd seen. Fairies left the stage wailing while The Paula sipped on Fairy Juice, smiling inanely and The Randy simply shook his head in despair. This was a train wreck, but the audience loved it. I watched in disgust as The Corrine clapped wildly and pawed Ethan. He sat in stony silence and ignored her advances.

"Soon, baby," I promised the beautiful man who I couldn't have. "I will save you soon," I whispered.

"They're next. Martha and Jane are next," Susu screamed in relief. "Please God, let them be better than this shit that's making my eardrums bleed."

"Hell," Huhu chimed in. "If they get the lyrics right, that's a sure win."

I felt like I'd heard them sing before…it wasn't good, but it wasn't as bad as what we'd heard thus far.

"And now," the Fairy emcee shouted over the crowd, "we bring you the Vampyres, Martha and Jane. They will be doing a Prince medley for your listening pleasure."

The crowd went silent. Several Fairies booed and hissed. Fuck. This did not bode well for Martha and Jane keeping their heads. The lights went down and they came on the stage. I gasped and covered my eyes. They were wearing purple lingerie trimmed in purple sequins and feathers. Their pendulous boobs had pasties over them and their hoohoos were covered with barely there G-strings. It was vomit-inducing. But the crowning jewel were the knee-high stockings with brown orthopedic shoes. Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck. I opened my eyes and waited for the bloodbath to begin.