Fashionably Dead in Diapers (10 page)

"It's beautiful," I said.

"Looks are very deceiving," The Kev said ominously. "Say your name."

"What?" I slapped my hands on my hips and gave him the eyeball.

"Name. Say it," he insisted. The Kev had stayed in his Fairy form. It was getting easier to look at him, but I did kind of miss David Hasselhoff. His beauty still gave me a slight headache, but I could make eye contact for short periods of time.

"My name is Astrid," I snapped.

"Your mate?"

I rolled my eyes. "My mate is Ethan. You are The Kev and a giant pain in my ass. We are going to Xanthia to get my son and two insane Vampyres back. I get to meet the skankass—The Corrine—who had sex with my man three hundred years ago. I plan to kill her so she doesn't come after Gemma, who is the True Queen of Xanthia. I will also take enormous pleasure in killing any fucking Fairy who tries to stop me from getting my son. Happy?"

"No, but short of holding Sammy in my arms, nothing will make me happy," he said. "Drink this."

The Kev produced two vials of an iridescent green liquid out of thin air and handed one to me and one to Ethan. I sniffed it and recoiled in disgust.

"Number one, we're Vamps. We can't really drink anything but blood without yacking it back up, and number two, this smells like ass," I informed an amused The Kev.

"You can drink it and I would highly suggest you do. It will make it possible for you to make eye contact with Fairies, which will confuse them as to what you are. It could buy us the time we need to get Sammy and the idiots back. Drink it."

Ethan didn't look any happier than I did about swallowing green stuff that smelled like a baboon butt, but he did it and I followed.

"Sweet baby Jesus in combat boots, that was fucking rank." I gagged and prayed I wouldn't throw it back up.

"What in the Hell was that?" Ethan asked hoarsely as he tried to keep it down.

"You really don't want to know," The Kev said as he took a rope and stake out of the pack he carried. He quickly pushed the stake into the ground and attached the rope in a knot so tight I was certain it would be there for eternity.

"What are you doing?" I asked as I bit down on my lip and sucked back some of my own blood to get the foul taste out of my mouth. My brain was whirling with guesses as to what we had just imbibed. Butt juice was at the top of my list, followed by a rancid prune juice mixed with formaldehyde.

"We will hold the rope as we cross. The weather will change drastically and the winds will be strong. The rope will secure us and we'll be able to stay together."

"Why can't we just fly or transport over?" I asked.

"Because that would be too easy," Ethan said, still coughing from the green shit we drank. "Nothing the Fairies do is simple. You will walk between The Kev and me. Hold tight to the rope and we'll be fine."

"Ready?" The Kev asked, looking more unsure than I'd ever seen him look. Ethan wasn't much better. My stomach churned from the green crap and everyone's fear for my existence. I knew I wasn't going to die, but a little voice in the back of my brain kept telling me there were far worse things than death.

"I'm ready," I said as I planted a big one on my mate and grabbed the rope. "Is Xanthia on the other side of the bridge?"

"No. We have a half day's journey once we reach the other side," The Kev said as he secured his pack and stared off into the horizon. "There's a cottage I know of that's safe. We will spend the night there and approach Xanthia in the morning. I have allies who will meet up with us tomorrow."

"You have allies on the Dark side?" Ethan asked as his eyes narrowed.

The Kev shrugged and grinned. "Just remember—looks are very deceiving. Let's go."

"I've been to Hell and back. How much worse can this be?" I wondered aloud as I grabbed the rope.

"You have no idea," I heard The Kev mutter under his breath.

The wind whipped up violently and I grasped the rope tighter in my hands. I closed my eyes and said a quick prayer to my relatives that I wouldn't be blown off the bridge. I had the most important mission of my life and no wind was going to stop me. However, the flock of frightened birds flying at my head might have a shot.

"Astrid, duck!" Ethan shouted as the flying menaces dive-bombed us.

I shifted and dropped, but I was a second too late. Colored feathers blinded me and the world went black.

***

What the heck
? Was I blind or had someone super-glued my eyes shut? Why would someone do that? My body ached like I'd been in a fight with a freakin' brick wall and my head was pounding like a motherhumper. Where was I? Wait…who was I? Shoot, this was bad. I know I'm a girl and I think I have brown hair. Oh my goodness, was I in an accident? Do I have amnesia? Why are my eyes stuck shut?

"Is she awake?" a worried male voice asked.

"No, not yet," another answered. "But at least she's alive."

"Alive as a dead person can be." The first one chuckled and the second one joined him.

"She's definitely hard to kill."

"Thank God for that."

"Do you need blood?"

"No, I can wait until she wakes up."

Um…what kind of conversation was that? What does someone need blood for? Some kind of sicko ritual? Was I going to be sacrificed? God, I had to stop drinking hard liquor. Thankfully, I heard them leave the room. Where was I? And who were they?

Think. Think. Think.

I'm hard to kill…they called me a dead person…and they wanted my blood. Buttholes, these kidnappers were definitely going to kill me.

Clearly they'd already tried, but I must have fought back—good for me. Why in the poop were they happy I was difficult to kill? Were they sadists?

Crapcrapcrappycrap. This was bad.

I'd stay as quiet as a mouse and wait the murdering jerks out. They seemed hesitant to finish the job while I was passed out. That was psychotic. Surely they'd have to use the facilities or go get some food…then I'd escape. Yep, I'd escape or I could kill them and then escape.

Whoa, where the heck did that come from? I can't kill anyone. That was wrong and illegal and would make me no better than the horrible men who'd kidnapped me and tried to murder me. Plus, I seemed to be severely hung over.

How does this always happen to me? Wait…has this ever happened to me? I don't even know who "me" is.

Poop on a stick, I need to think…name. What's my name? Why don't I know my name?

"She's moving," the one with a voice like silk said. He had an exceptionally sexy voice for a serial killer. "Astrid? Can you hear me?"

Astrid? My name is Astrid? That doesn't sound right at all. Maybe they kidnapped the wrong girl. If I could just move my lips and open my dang eyes, I could tell them and then I could go home to, um…wherever I lived.

Hmmm…I wonder if they'll tell me where they abducted me from. Is that a weird question to ask? Probably. I suppose I could just find a policeman and ask him to take my fingerprints to figure out my identity.

Slowly I opened one eye and shut it immediately. Who knew serial killers were so freakin' hot? This was so unfair. The best looking man and the second best looking man I'd ever seen were staring at me. Did they want me to be conscious for my death?

"Astrid, I saw you," the sexiest one said with amusement in his voice.

These dudes were pure evil. What was this? Be nice to the victim before you axe murder her? Awesome. It would figure I wanted to have intercourse with the instrument of my death. Well, not both of them, only the one who smelled so good and was invading my personal space…
Balls
.

If I was going to die I was not going to go quietly. Summoning what little strength I had I sat up and scooted away from the killers.

"Stay back," I hissed as I crawled towards what I hoped was a door. My vision was still a little fuzzy.

"Astrid, come back here, baby," the stupidly pretty one said.

"Are you crazy?" I yelled. "If you think I'm gonna make it easy for you to kill me and then bathe yourself in my blood, you've got another thing coming, buster."

"Oh shit," I heard the sexy one say as I banged my head on a table.

Who in the heck puts a dangitydangdang table where a door is supposed to be?

"What's wrong with her?" Mr. Sexy Voice asked.

"Well," the other dorko said, "it seems that she might have lost her memory."

"Ya think?" I shouted as I rubbed the knot that was forming on my forehead from my unfortunate interaction with the table. "You two just stay where you are and no one will get hurt. I have rabies and I'll bite you." That probably wasn't the smartest thing I could have said, considering my eyes were still half shut and I'd just crashed into a table, but it was the only thing I could think of.

They both stared at me with wide eyes and open mouths…maybe the rabies thing worked.

"Astrid, calm down," the big pretty one who I didn't want to suck face with said carefully. "We're not going to hurt you. We're your friends."

"Right," I snapped. "Friends don't want to kill friends, Mister Big Dude. I heard you talking, so that
nice
poop isn't going to fly."

"Oh my God," the one I would have dated if he wasn’t a murdering turd knocker said. "Astrid, you need…"

"Okay, here's the deal. I am at least ninety seven and a half percent sure my name is not Astrid. Clearly you've kidnapped the wrong girl. So if you'll just back off and let me leave, I won't go to the police. Deal?"

They were speechless. I didn't take that as a good sign.

"Oh, and if you could tell me where I live that would be helpful."

Still speechless.

I stared at them and realized my great surprise, I wasn't afraid of them. What was wrong with me? Did I have no self-preservation instincts at all? It was difficult to take my eyes off of the one who smelled like Heaven. His jeans hugged his rear end like a glove and the long sleeve t-shirt made my mouth water. I had to assume the bump on my head had rattled my brain because I'd clearly lost it. Only someone with a death wish would be eyeing her captor like he was a steak.

"This is a clusterfuck," my would-be killer boyfriend muttered as he ran his hands through his hair in frustration.

"There is no need for potty language," I snapped. "You might want to kill me and that's fine…actually, it's not fine because you have the wrong girl, but I will not tolerate a filthy mouth. Do you understand?"

"We have a little problem here," the big guy said as he paled considerably.

"Ya think?" Pretty Boy ground out. "What do we do about this?"

The big one shook his head and dropped down on the couch in defeat. "I have no clue. None whatsoever."

Chapter 9

Honesty is always the best policy. However, honesty is not always appreciated. When answering your child's most difficult questions, make sure you only answer the question that was asked. More information is oftentimes not helpful and occasionally leads to hospitalization of the parent. ‘Nuff said.

I was no longer scared of my kidnappers at all. With every fiber of my being I knew they meant me no harm. I actually felt sorry for them. They were insane and pathetic.

"Let me get this straight," I said as I tried desperately to stifle my laughter. "You think you're a Vampyre and you think you're a Fairy?"

"Yes," the one who called himself Ethan said. "And you're half Vampyre and half Demon."

"Riiiight." I nodded and tried to gauge how far away the door was. These dudes were either on drugs or they'd escaped from the loony bin. "I get how you'd want to be a Vampyre with
Twilight
and
True Blood
and all, but you…" I pointed at the big guy who called himself The Kev. "I would have never guessed that you were gay. Not that I have any problem with anyone's sexuality, but you just do not register on my gaydar at all."

"I'm not gay," he said. "I'm a Fairy."

"How's that different than gay?" I asked, completely confused.

"I have wings and can do magic," The Kev explained.

"And I can shoot laser beams from my fingertips," I shot back sarcastically.

"Actually, you can," Ethan mumbled.

I snorted and rolled my eyes. "This has been really fun and extremely informative in a bizarrely alarming way, but I have to go. So if you guys wouldn't mind telling me where you abducted me from I'll just be on my way."

"What would you suggest we do next?" Ethan asked The Kev as his jaw worked in frustration. Dang, that was hot. "Explaining doesn't seem to be working."

"Show her?" The Kev suggested.

"Guys." I put my hands up. "This is getting embarrassing…for you. Maybe you should just cut your losses and let me go. I swear to God that I won't tell anyone."