Fashionably Dead in Diapers (11 page)

"He's your uncle," Ethan informed me.

"Who's my uncle?" I asked.

"God is your uncle."

"I'm outta here," I said as I made a run for the door.

"Show her," The Kev bellowed so loudly I stopped and glanced back at the whackos.

Ethan shrugged and produced an evil looking set of fangs. I was too shocked to run. He was hotter than heck and made the blond dude from
True Blood
look like a weenie.

"Oh my God," I gasped. "That's amazing! I can't believe you could find a dentist that would file your teeth like that." They really did look like fangs. "I know you're into the whole Vampyre thingie, but I think you're gonna regret doing that some day."

I shook my head and wondered what he had paid to get that done. As amusing and harmless as these two dudes seemed, I needed to leave. However, I was kind of curious how else they had mutilated themselves. "Can you guys do anything else?"

"She doesn't understand," Ethan said in utter disbelief.

The Kev sighed heavily and looked up at the ceiling for a long moment. All of a sudden the room shook and the most gorgeous set of silver wings exploded from his back. Ethan raised his hands and flung them. A mist of golden glitter flew from his fingertips and a gentle breeze began to flow through the room. His eyes went from a beautiful gold color to a sparkling green, which made my lady bits jump to attention. Did I have Stockholm syndrome? Why I was attracted to my kidnapper? Was I still drunk?

Because none of what I was seeing was even remotely possible.

Something clicked in my head and I sat down on the couch with a thud. This was insane, but I was fairly sure they were telling the truth…or at least part of the truth. How was this possible? I wanted to believe they were deranged magicians, but the logical—
or drunk
—part of my brain rejected that theory.

"I'm dreaming," I mumbled. "This has to be a bad dream or a screwed up drug trip."

"It's the truth," The Kev said "And there's not much time for us to convince you."

"Why?" I demanded.

"Do you really not know?" he asked gravely.

My stomach clenched and a shiver skittered up my spine. Something was off and I needed desperately to remember. "I'm still not really buying the
I'm a Vampyre
and
I'm a Fairy
crap, but I know I'm here for a reason. I just can't remember," I whispered. "I think it's important, but I can't remember."

"Should we tell her?" Ethan asked as he squatted down in front of me and watched me intently.

His gaze made me uncomfortably hot. He was entirely too handsome for his own good.

"No," the Kev said. "She has to remember or she won't believe it. We have a little time. Let her be, Ethan."

Ethan's head whipped to The Kev in fury. I cringed a little at his ire. "We don't have any more fucking time," he hissed.

"What did I tell you about the potty language?" I yelled and slapped my hands over my ears. "You will not speak that way in front of me or I really will leave. I can put up with sharp canines and goofy wings, but I will not tolerate filthy language."

"This is bad," The Kev said. He watched me like a person watches a bad car wreck. He couldn't look away.

"What?" I demanded. "What's the problem here?"

"You normally have a mouth like a sailor," The Kev said, as he backed away just in case I launched myself at him.

"Nope, I refuse to believe that poop. I am a nice girl. I'm still not convinced my name is Astrid, but I'll answer to it until I can remember what my real name is. Also…" I eyed the hotter than sin Ethan. "You need to stay away from me. I find you redonkulously appealing and I'm pretty sure I'm already married with kids. I do not cheat."

"Um, okay," Ethan said as he choked back what I thought might be laughter. "I will respect that."

"Am I?" I demanded.

"Are you what?" he asked as his eyes sparkled even greener, which made me have to slam my legs shut and sit on my hands so I didn't reach out to him.

I rolled my eyes and then closed them tight so I could block him and his sexy face out. "Am I married with children?"

"Not exactly," he hedged.

"How does that make sense?" I asked with my eyes still sealed shut.

"You have someone in your life and you do have a child," he said cautiously.

"Horse caca, I would never have a child out of wedlock. I'm not that kind of girl."

The Kev ran from the room. It sounded like he was choking on his own spit. Ethan bit down on his own lip so hard he drew blood. My stomach rumbled and I turned away in disgust. I was not a Vampyre or a Demon. I did not want to suck the blood from his mouth and I did not want to strip him and lick every inch of his hot bod. Nope. I did not. At all. Ever. Not even a little bit. No way—no how.

Buttholes
…yes I did. I wanted it so bad it physically hurt.

"Enough," I sputtered to myself more than my kooky captors as I stood. "We need to find the baby we're after and get out of here."

Wait. What? My knees buckled and I dropped like a sack of potatoes to the floor. My gut clenched in excruciating pain and my head pounded. I remembered. We had come here to save someone's baby. He was a beautiful child and he was in danger. Ethan froze and The Kev came barreling back into the room.

"You remember?" The Kev asked.

"Some." I nodded. "We are here to save a child. He's in danger and he's important to a lot of people," I said slowly.

"Who is he important to?" Ethan demanded as The Kev gave him a look.

"I don't know," I whispered and wanted to cry. "Can you tell me?"

"No," The Kev said harshly. "You have to remember on your own or none of this will work. It will fall apart and the child will be doomed."

"Pressure much?" I snapped. "What's with all the doomed junk? You're making it sound like the world could end."

Both men just stared at me and said nothing. My stomach dropped to my toes and I wanted to puke. A small part of my brain explained to me that Vampyres couldn't hurl, but I was still not ready to accept that I was an undead creature of the night…not to mention a flesh-eating Demon. Poopitycrap. Could my life get any more screwed up?

Yes. The answer was yes.

"She can be told part of her history. It might jog her memory, but
nothing
of the present—including who we are to her. She must find that herself," The Kev stated and then left the room again.

Ethan pinched the bridge of his perfect nose and sat down in a chair across the room from me. I wanted to beg him to sit next to me, but I figured my husband might not like that. I was kind of quite sure that I was married to a human man. Why would I have done that if I was a Demon /Vampyre? Maybe because humans had yummy blood?
Gross.
What was wrong with me? I did not drink blood and I was not a Demon/Vampyre.

"Alright, Pretty Boy, spit it out."

"You're going to find most of it very hard to swallow," he said with a raised eyebrow that was so sexy I shut my eyes again.

"Harder than your fangs and The Kev's wings?"

"Much."

"Awesome." I grinned and moaned. "Tell me my story."

"You asked for it, Astrid," he said as he sat forward and steepled his long fingers beneath his chin.

"You are correct, Ethan. I did. Now talk."

***

An hour later I was speechless. This felt alien to me, but I had no words. I was back to thinking I was on heavy drugs, completely drunk or caught in a massive nightmare that felt like real life. I pressed on my temples to ward off what felt like a migraine coming on.

"Have you been smoking crack?" I asked Ethan weakly. "Because it sounded more like a drug trip instead of background info."

"No—no crack." His smile was grim and his body was tense.

"Let me get this straight. Satan and God are brothers, and also my uncles. Mother Nature who likes to pole dance, can't cook, and has a deadly temper is my grandmother. I am something called a True Immortal which means I can only be killed with the Sword of Death, but I don't have to worry about it because it's being guarded by Mr. Rogers. The same Mr. Rogers I watched on TV as a child. The one who changed into his tennis shoes and cardigan and sang about being my freakin' neighbor."

I knew my voice was getting thin and shrill, but this was simply too much.

"And now you're telling me he plays poker in Hell with Satan and Hemingway and most of them cheat?" I yelled.

"Um…yes."

I got up and began pacing the room. Immediately I felt calmer. Movement—movement let me think more clearly. "My cousins are the Seven Deadly Sins and my job in this world is Compassion? This is very hard to believe—very hard."

"I suppose it does sound a little odd," Ethan admitted generously.

"Odd?" I shouted. "You think that pile of bull poopy you just fed me sounds odd? I am supposed to believe I'm a Vampyre/ Demon with insane powers? I have immortal relatives who put the
D
in dysfunctional? I can pop bad guys? Literally pop them? That is freakin' gross. I am a pacifist…I think…but you're telling me I'm a cold-blooded killing machine. I'm having a teeny-weeny identity crisis at the moment. Yet the worst thing is, even though I know I'm married, I want to jump you so bad I can barely see straight. This is a problem. I am not a skank and I will not indulge in extramarital affairs, even if my hoohoo wants to."

"I think your husband would understand under the circumstances," Ethan said as he watched me like a predator watches prey.

"You have some nerve, Mr. No-Morals. Just because my va-jay-jay is on fire does not mean I will cheat on my husband, whoever he is. And why in the heck didn't he come with me—or is he too wimpy to go on a deadly mission?"

Ethan refused to comment, which made me think my husband was a wimp. None of this was making any sense, but in a totally farked up way, it was making a sorry butt load of sense. I needed to push my all-consuming attraction for the
Vampyre
to the far recesses of my horny brain and get some more information.

"Was I ever human? Not that I'm buying all this malarkey yet, but I'm curious," I said slowly.

"Yes," he answered with a hopeful look in his eyes.

"How old am I?"

"You're thirty."

"How old are you?"

He paused and grimaced. "I'm five hundred and twenty-two."

Well, that was just ridiculous. I was attracted to a dude who was alive during the Civil War? "Look Ethan, I am beginning to believe some of this, but you have to agree it's a lot to take in."

He nodded and stayed silent.

"Where are my fangs?" I asked as I poked around in my mouth.

"Are you hungry?" he asked.

"I don't know," I lied as my stomach rumbled loudly.

"Come here." His voice was soft and commanding. I wanted nothing more than to throw myself at him and sink my teeth into the smooth sexy skin of his neck. Not happening.

"No," I whispered. "I can't."

"Why not?" His eyes had gone green again and his fangs had dropped, sending my lady parts into a tailspin.

"It's just a really bad idea," I choked out as I felt something sharp in my mouth. "Oh my God. I have fangs."

"You do," he agreed as he approached me.

"Back off," I warned as I moved toward the door.

He froze and a look of anguish passed across his face. I didn't want to hurt him. I was so confused it made me shake.

"The Kev," he yelled harshly. "Get in here. Astrid needs to feed."

The Kev appeared looking concerned. "What about you?" he asked Ethan.

"I can wait," he said tersely and left the room.

"Sorry," I mumbled as I dropped back down on the couch. "He's a little intense."

"That he is." The Kev grinned and sat down next to me.

He was almost as pretty as Ethan, but I had no desire to ride him until he was blind. What in the heck was happening to me? My stomach rumbled loudly and I winced in embarrassment. "Um…what do we do here?" I asked.

"I will give you my wrist. You will bite down and drink," he answered as logically as if I'd asked him about the weather.

"Will it hurt you?"

"No, my little krumecaca. It will not hurt me at all."

"I remember that," I gasped and took his large hand in mine and winced slightly at the pain in my head. "I remember that name."

"Do you remember anything else?"

"No," I whispered dejectedly. "Not yet."

"You will. I promise you will."

He put his wrist gently to my mouth and I glanced at him timidly. "Are you sure this won't hurt? Will you stop me if I take too much?"