Family (13 page)

Always watched for the next month or two as Loretta became more haggard, stayed in her room and regular sent for more medicine to take. She began wearing longer, fuller skirts. Loretta was gonna have that baby! Always, Lord help her, smiled sometime as she looked off into space. Always didn’t worry bout the control this baby of Loretta’s would have over the plantation, because all would know it wasn’t Master Doak’s, so the baby just might have nothin but a mama, if Loretta didn’t kill it when it was born. Cause it was sure steady comin! Probly gonna be strong with all that nourishin medicine Always had started sendin in to Miz Loretta.

Passin, with the time, was the way of life as it was usta bein in this south. Things was more scarce, but Always had a good cache of things and Jason was no fool and had been lookin ahead to these times hisself. They was holdin on for everybody, that cripple and that slave.

The roads was full now of slaves goin one way, and crippled and maimed soldiers, and some runaway soldiers too, goin another way, mostly in the nights. Always kept little packages, the little she could give away freely, ready for the slaves when they came knockin on the windows of her shack. Word gets round and they had done heard bout her. God is good. She helped and she asked questions in return. She learned one side was winnin on one day, and the next day the other side was winnin. Facts, the slaves didn’t really know all the time, but they was sure the South was losin cause of the things happinin on their old homes.

Always tried to describe her children to the runaways, but they didn’t know bout them either, tho some of them sounded like they might. Then, how could they tell her which way to where the grown children might be now, when they, themselves, had criss-crossed by night the huge land? But she kept helpin and nobody bothered her, cause Loretta mighta been the only one to do it and she was so caught up in her own troubles, she didn’t pay much tention to Always cept to curse her for not givin her medicine that would work!

When the day came for the baby to come and Loretta couldn’t hold back no more, she sent for Always, then sent her slavewoman away. She looked haggard and resigned, like she had just given up. A little, worn thing layin and pullin the sheets one minute, her hair the next minute.

Always stood at the foot of the bed, lookin down at Loretta. “Miz Loretta, mam, I blive you fixin to have a visitor.”

Loretta looked up with knowing malice. “And my elbows never did get any darker.” Her face worked with the pain that struck her.

Always started to get busy. “Well, I reckon we just get ready for it.”

Loretta gasped from the pain. “Hold on.” She grabbed Always’s hand that was foldin back the covers. “We must talk first. I have to talk to you.”

“Yes mam.” Always was smiling inside, but her face was serious. “You want me to send your helpmaid back?”

“No, no.” Loretta drew her lacy sleeve cross her damp brow. “No, I want only you here! I want … I want you to do something for me.”
The pain threw her head back. Always waited. “I’m … I’m havin a baby.” She looked through the pain. “But you already knew that.”

“Yes mam.”

“I cannot … I must not … keep this baby.”

“Oh, Miz Loretta, you be so lucky, so blessed … able … to keep your baby. I wish I coulda kept mine. I wish I coulda kept my mama … her mama too.”

Loretta opened her eyes wide to Always. She was tryin not to scream out hatred names to Always … cause she needed her just then. But she did say, “You are an evil woman, Always.”

“No mam, not evil. Just a slave. Witout a brain, nor a soul.”

They waited in silence a minute. The past filling both their minds. But, here now, was the present, and something had changed. Then the pain hit Loretta again.

“Mam, what does you want me to do, Miz Loretta, you needs help.”

Loretta fell back against the pillows. “I must not keep this baby. I don’t know … what it will be … what it will look like.”

“Look like you and the daddy, Miz Loretta. Like you and the daddy.”

Loretta looked at Always, this time with hate mixed with pleadin, if you can magine that. “I helped your brother to be free.”

“You helped our brother to be free, or dead, mam, but you didn’t help him for me. And you never helped me, no way. Mam.”

Loretta raised herself. “But he is free! I heard from him, a long time … ago.”

Now, Loretta sure said the right thing. This filled Always’s heart with joy, to know her brother was alive. Now, all was left was to know where. She would take her money and go to him. Even … even leave the land that blonged to her. Then her heart filled with pain. He had never come back for her. Or sent anyone to her with a message, a nothin. No … she couldn’t go. But … “Where is he then, Miz Loretta?”

Another pain had torn through Loretta’s body and she burst into a sweat at its leavin. “Always … I want my child. Now. It’s my only child I will ever have. But I can’t keep it.” She bit her
lip, started cryin. “I … want you … to keep it … for me. Raise it, my baby.”

Always turned her head sidewise and looked down at Loretta. “You want ME to help you?”

“Yes, yes! I neeed help. But I need … I want you, to keep my baby. Let it … be yours.”

“But what I’m gonna tell it? What it gonna call me?”

“Mother … mama … mammy. Anything. I want you to raise it, as your child.”

“Well … you best let me help you get ready now. I will think on it.” Always knew she would keep her son’s child.

Loretta drew her pain-filled body up. “You will do as I tell you. You are MY slave. You do as I tell you to.”

Always had moved to the room door to go get things, to prepare things. “I don’t have to do nothin but die, Miz Loretta.” She smiled. “I hear tell the war is bout over. Colored folks say the North is winnin. White folks say the South is winnin. I don’t know right what to blive, but I do know things is changin. They right in front of my
eyes. Folks is changin. White folks runnin. Grab-bin their things and slaves and runnin. Don’t sound like no winnin things to me. So … I don’t have to do nothin no more but die.” She left the room.

Loretta sat up and screamed, “Always!”

Always stood outside the door and looked up to the same God I was askin mercy for her from … and thanked Him. She thanked Him. God must get mighty tired of us.

Well, the baby was a girl A tiny, tired, wrinkled, little girl. Tiny cause of all those corsets her mama had worn to keep from showin her. Tiny cause her mama tried to starve her. Yellow from her daddy, Sephus. She fell into Always’s arms like she was glad to get there. Always named her Apple, from the Bible, she thought. The apple that Eve had bitten from. Loretta said she didn’t want that name. Always said she had to name the child somethin she wanted cause it was hers. Little Apple moved on out to the chicken house that was Always’s home, and became Always’s daughter-child and Always knew she now had a baby wasn’t nobody gonna sell from her. Over time, Apple
grew plump and pretty, full of easy laughter. Everybody seem to love her. Even Poon didn’t worry too much bout how and where she came from. She was a smart, quick child. Taught to work, early, she was weedin the garden and other small chores with Always. Sometimes Loretta had her in the main house, lovin her from a distance, I reckon, wantin her close. The two women didn’t never fall out bout the child, cause Always knew what it was like to lose your child, and she was easier with Loretta. Course now, she practicly ran what was left of that plantation, with Jason in the lead, of course.

So the time passed. Many things happened. But who, not I, can tell them all? It was a long time, a hard time, a confusing time, and it was a lotta kind of time, but seldom a good time, except for hearing bout the freedom comin closer, for slaves.

One warm day, Loretta sittin on the porch of the main house, Always settin on the steps, peeling peaches and potatoes brought out from the cache. Apple playin round the steps. Everyone, includin Mistress worked now, so many slaves had run. Such a hollerin came from the road, which suddenly
seemed full of strangers and stragglers, slaves, white men, young and old, poor and usta be wealthy, all moving in sort of frenzied actions. A white man on a horse galloped up to the porch and tole Miz Loretta the war was over! Was won! By the North! Said, “Watch everything you got! They’ll steal it all now, for sure! Keep your gun by you! These nigras is aiming to have a white woman! But war won or not, we’ll still kill em ifn they don’t do right! We still white, and they still nigras!”

Loretta just looked at Always and turned red. The man had galloped off before she could even answer. When the man had rode off, Loretta’s hands was still on the pot of peaches. Her eyes were fastened hard on Always. Her face held a regretful, serious look, and somethin else, like hate that Always had got freedom, and a fear of what Always would do … and when.

Always rose slowly. Trying to feel the feelin of freedom. Her mind screamed “I’m FREE! I’m free! I’m free!” She looked at little Apple. “We is all free!” She put the potatoes aside and started
down the steps, slowly, thoughts whirling so fast in her head. She wanted to go tell everybody! Just everybody in the world. Then, she sat down again, slowly, hands stilled, lookin into the air behind the rider. There was no smile, no more free laughter from her. On the inside tho, was the explosion. Comin slow and huge, the size of the world that was bein blown apart, it felt like. Realization crept slowly, and silently into every piece of her body that had been a slave for all its life. She thought of her money, and the money she would take from the pot blongin to the Butlers, her rapist, her children’s father. Not all of it, just some of what she thought she had comin, had earned. She thought of her son, Doak Jr. He had always been free, but now he really was free, of all but her. She looked at Apple, she looked at the road that went everywhere in the free world, then she turned slowly and looked at Loretta.

Loretta spoke first, “Well, them’s the words you been waiting for all your life, tho we been good to you, all of us, from the day you was born.”

Always answered, “Them’s the words.”

Loretta spit the words, “I reckon you be flyin off now, to find your brother, Sun, or your sister, Peach.”

Always answered softly, “Maybe they come find me. Ain’t goin off nowhere notime soon.” Her eyes looked in the direction of the colored church shack.

Loretta narrowed her eyes, “You mean … you gonna stay here … to work? There ain’t gonna be no pay. You know I could tell Soon where you gonna be if you go. I’ll … I’ll keep Apple so you don’t have to worry none bout her.”

Always thought, “So Loretta did, had known, bout the war bein lost and had thought all this out.” She was fairly jumpin for joy inside her soul, but her body did not move, she still held the pot in her lap. She looked down at it, as if it were somethin with feelins, gently moved it from her lap to the step. She said out loud, softly, because this freedom thing was movin out like water, through her mind and body, “You don have to worry none bout me, Miz Loretta, I’ll find out what to do.”

Loretta watched her move the pot from her lap,
her eyes glinted lightly, “Well, if you gon stay on here, you will work, and I can’t pay you.”

Always slowly stood up, again, shook her skirt. “You ain’t been payin me.”

“Things’r different now. You won’t blong to us … for us to take care you no more.”

Loretta finally got through Always’s full, free mind. She looked at Loretta. “You never did take care a me. All us slaves took care you’ll. And we never did blong to you, you just kep us, by whippin and killins.”

Loretta spoke right back. “I knew no matter what we did for you, you would hate me.”

Always waved her hand. “Miz Loretta, I don’t think nough of you to hate you. I’s too tired.”

Loretta pushed on. “And Apple stays with me til she grown and decide for herself.”

Always sighed. “We already decided for Apple. She mine. Don’t everbody know it? And all my babies, but one, went to buy most all this land. That bout make this land mine, and Apple mine. She my real grandchile … so she mine, Miz Loretta.”

Loretta gasped. “My daughter! A grandchile of yours?!”

Always looked up and smiled shortly. “Yes’m. And your niece too. Wouldn’t your daddy be proud? Won’t Doak Jr. be proud? When I tell em …”

Loretta spoke with hate. “You a conivin, low bred, lyin bitch.”

Always looked away. “I sho didn’t carry you into your bed with Sephus. I didn’t carry your daddy to bed with my mama. I didn’t make these things … you’ll did.”

Loretta spoke softly now. “You waited for somethin like this.”

Always spoke softly too. “That’s all you’ll let slaves do. Work, wait and maybe hope.” She started down the steps slowly, old and tired for all her young years.

Again sharply, Loretta spoke. “Where you going, Missy? Ifn you gonna stay, you best finish preparin that food! Let’s get them potatoes peeled fore you go off. We got to have dinner even so!”

Always stopped on the last step. “I don’t have to peel those potatoes … no more.”

Loretta twisted her lips. “You got to peel them, do you want to eat!”

Always smiled a hard smile, “I ain’t got to do nothin, Loretta, but die.”

Loretta stood, peaches goin everywhere, quietly she said, “You still call me Miz Loretta, I don’t care what has come. You sit down there and finish peeling those potatoes, then you will cook them, then you will clean up after we eat.”

Always jumped down the last step. “No mam, I’m through today. I through this week. Through til I’m rested. I’m goin over to the colored church you never lowed me to go to. I’m goin to see is we really free. Then I’m goin to tell the others bout this freedom.” She looked at the road fillin with people, slaves and all. She listened to the air, which was a lite with the buzzin sound of freedom spoken, over and over.

Loretta answered, “Then you will not eat. Come here, Apple.”

Always answered, “I will eat, Loretta.” She moved back up the step, held out her hand to Loretta. “You see this here hand? This hand helped the ground to grow the food that you goin to eat.
With these hands, I have fed you. Yes, I will eat. And Apple will come with me, cause she is colored and she need to know if she free too!”