Falling Forward (18 page)

“Sure.” I got up and opened the door. “Keanna, Kalani wants to speak with you.” Keanna walked in.

Kalani warmly smiled from ear to ear when his baby sister walked in. “Hey, Kiki! It’s so good to see you.” Keanna teared up as she sat next to Kalani on his bed.

Kalani’s face became stern. “No, baby, don’t cry. You promised you wouldn’t cry. You knew this was coming. Things are exactly how they’re supposed to be.” He brushed Keanna’s long brown hair back from her eyes. “Kiki, I need to ask you a favor. Can you do me a favor?” Keanna composed herself and took a deep breath. “Remember that box I told you about?”

Keanna smiled, and then stood up. She bent over and looked underneath Kalani’s hospital bed. She pulled out a small wooden box and handed it to Kalani. He smiled ear to ear.

“That’s my girl. I was hoping you’d bring it. Thank you, Keanna! You’re the best. Can you give us a moment, baby?” Keanna smiled at Kalani and gave him a hug, then left the room.

Kalani handed me a beautiful hand-carved koa wood box with a rose on the lid. I ran my hand over its smooth finish. “This is beautiful! Did you make this, Kalani?”

He smiled. “Made it for you. Been working on it since you left. Go ahead and open it.” Kalani smiled. His eyes looked so tired.

I opened the lid. In the box, there was an envelope with what felt like a letter. “Don’t open the letter yet, wait until later.” Underneath the letter, there was Kalani’s obituary, written just like mine, on a House Without a Key cocktail napkin. I read it out loud:

Kaleo, Kalani. Championship surfer. Swallowed by a monster wave called cancer. Survived by his mother and his sister. Beginning worry-free life with no commitments. Mahalo.

Kalani laughed. “Yours was better, right? I wrote mine right after me and the wife broke up. That was the day I found out I had cancer. I never looked back. Not once.”

“Does she know? About your illness?” I asked.

“Well, she probably heard by now. I think it’s finally out there,” Kalani replied.

There was a key under the napkin. I picked it up and asked Kalani what it was for.

“There’s a storage place off Kapiolani. Don’t tell mom – she doesn’t know about it. I want you to have what’s in there. Sell it, give it away, whatever you want. There is one thing in there you might want to keep. You’ll know it when you see it.”

“Kalani, I wanted you to know, I love you. I love your spirit. I love your mind. I love how you’ve changed me. I can’t ever thank you enough for all you’ve done.”

“I love you too, Liv. I’ve loved you since the first time I saw you. And I want you to know, if things were different, I would have married you in a heartbeat.”

There it was. It itched me as it rolled out of my eye and down my cheek. It finally landed on my lips. I tasted it; it was salty. My first tear. Kalani saw it. I reached over and hugged Kalani so hard. I wished I had more time with him.

“Listen, Kalani, you don’t have much time before you fall asleep again. I’m going to send Keanna and your mother in here now. They deserve some time with you. I love you, Kalani. I’ll be looking for you on the other side, wherever that is. Thank you. Thank you for everything. Thank you for you.”

I kissed him on the forehead, then kissed him softly on his lips. I took the box, and opened the door for Kalani’s mother. I watched as she closed the door. He stared at me smiling. I knew that was the last time I’d ever talk to Kalani. I went to the waiting room and read his letter.

Dear Life Saver,

Love shakes families. Love shatters friendships. Love moves buildings from their foundations. Love can destroy homes, towns, continents, and entire civilizations. Love kills.

Then love heals. Love defeats evil. Love rebuilds families, relationships, cities, and worlds. Love creates life.

So who is it this love, and what’s she all about? She is as wild as a tireless toddler. She is ornery like a feisty adolescent. She is sometimes uncontrollable like a deranged psychotic demon. She is as quick and as twisted as an unmedicated bipolar manic depressive. Yet she can be kind and gentle, warm and generous. She may hang around for an hour, or settle in for life. She’s indecisive, yet targeted. She is predictable and erratic. She is who she is, and you’ll never understand her.

Love is painfully thin with distinct lines in her face, but her gut is an inevitable chasm you and everyone you know will helplessly fall into at some point in your life. Very few people escape. Love has got bright green eyes that in a single momentary glance can captivate any red blooded person and make you believe whatever she says. She has wild red hair that flows like a perfect fire. Her voice is sometimes soft and sultry, yet at times as raspy as a cigarette smoker and as loud as a carnival barker.

She resides in your heart, no matter how physically impossible that may be according to any neurologist. If you’ve ever fallen in or out of love, you’ve felt that sympathetic metaphysical connection directly in the left side of your chest. And you know those tugs are more than just your imagination.

Writers write about her. Singers sing about her. Lovers breathe through her. Psychiatrists help you get over her, and double-dip as they help you learn how to get into her again. No matter how hard you think you are, you cannot ignore her. She is innately omnipresent. She is vehemently omnivorous. And she is voraciously omnipotent.

Love’s reach expands well beyond human subjects. You’ll fall for pets. You’ll fall for power. You’ll fall for situations, friends, locations, hobbies, pastimes, food, smartphones and even clothing. You’ll routinely fall for material possessions and inanimate objects. She knows no limits and has no boundaries.

Sometimes what you love will love you back; and other times, it won’t. You often cannot help who or what she makes you love, as you cannot control who or what she’ll make love you. And that’s where things get tricky. There is no apparent balance. Some people give and receive more, others choose not to give or receive.

Love has a plan for you. She may shake you to your foundation in a torrential storm, and then leave you warm and content with a subtle breeze. She may leave you laughing painfully and then drowning in a puddle of your own tears. Or she may seem to ignore you altogether, but know that she always has something up her sleeves.

I didn’t know love until I met Liv. Love cheated me out of time. But I was glad to know her even for the short time I did. Liv’s love completed me. I am absolved.

-Kalani Kaleo

I got up and ran back to his hospital room, but it was too late. He had fallen back asleep, probably for the last time. His mother and his sister didn’t understand. I thought it would be better if I didn’t explain it. We all sat by his bedside the rest of the night. We all drifted into sleep.

Morning came, and I looked at the monitor. It had been silenced. I stood up to touch Kalani’s hand. It was cold. He had quietly passed away in his sleep. His eyes were closed. His mouth was pursed in a way that it looked like he was smiling. I cried again. I wiped the tears from my eyes, and kissed Kalani’s forehead.

Mom and Keanna stirred. They saw my tears and knew. I hugged them both, and left the room with my box.

I walked outside the hospital. The strong Hawaiian morning sun fell upon my face. I found a bench underneath a blooming plumeria tree. I loved the smell of its tiny pink flowers that were scattered all over the bench. I brushed a few out of the way and sat down.

A warm breeze brushed the hair from my eyes. I was fairly confident that it was probably a malfunction of my overloaded mind, but I could feel Kalani’s presence. It’s difficult to explain, but I could feel a subtle touch on my arms, spreading to my neck, and all over my face. Somehow, I felt like he was right there, sitting right beside me. I smiled.

I suspected he would always be with me in my new journey.

SIXTEEN: NEW BEGINNINGS

Michelle and I were sitting on a wooden porch sipping iced tea overlooking a Big Island mountain in the distance. Michelle was in the middle of another one of her long-winded stories about one of her co-workers, catching me up on all the gossip. I had left the practice shortly after Kalani died. I returned to Hawaii and bought a small farm on the Big Island two months later.

Two good-sized hens quickly appeared from around the house as if they were running for their lives. I heard giggling in the distance. A skinny, dark-haired and dark-skinned boy of about three years old came running around the corner behind the hens, laughing his head off.

“Kalani!” said the unmistakable raspy female voice from inside the house. “Stop chasing those hens! They won’t lay eggs if they’re scared.” Keanna chased little Kalani and grabbed him under his tiny arms and swung him in the air in a circle. His giggles were contagious.

Mrs. Kaleo walked out of the screen door holding a single cupcake with a candle in it. She looked angry. “Look, I couldn’t find forty-five candles,” she said facetiously. Kalani hopped up the steps on to the porch.

“Happy birfday, mommy!” he said as he plopped himself in my lap.

“Well, thank you very much, Kalani,” I replied. Everyone chimed in and sang the birthday song. Mrs. Kaleo even joined in the cacophony.

“Make a wish, mommy!” said the tiny little voice. I smiled at him.

“It already came true,” I told him as I kissed him on his thick brown hair. He smiled back. I loved when he smiled. It warmed my entire heart. He had his daddy’s smile. And he smiled all the time.

I finished my cupcake and wiped the frosting off my lips. Then I turned to Michelle.

“Hey, want to see his room?” She got up immediately.

“That’s why I’m here!” We walked inside my new house.

There were pictures of little Kalani’s father all over the walls. A beautiful large wall mural of Kalani and I on stage, in my yellow dress at House Without A Key, was on the far right wall.

Around the bend and down the hallway towards the left was a white door with a green sign that read “Kalani Blvd.” I pushed the door open.

Little Kalani’s room was huge. His tiny little bed sat towards the middle of the back wall. It was a custom-made bed that looked like the bed of a pick-up truck. Little Kalani saw something like it in a furniture store and kept drifting towards it. I hired a handyman and he built it from the picture.

There were surfboards suspended from the ceiling. Michelle looked up and saw they were autographed by famous surfers.

In the corner, there was a gorgeous wood guitar.

Pictures of little Kalani’s father from his childhood were arranged in a rectangular pattern underneath five large wood letters that read “Daddy.”

Michelle stopped to flip through a photo album sitting on Kalani’s dresser. “Wow. This room is amazing. It’s almost like he knew you were pregnant.”

I smiled. “He seemed to know everything about me. Even things I didn’t know about myself.”

On the opposing wall, a collage of articles from surf magazines adorned the wall.

“Apparently, little Kalani’s father was a surfing legend. It’s… it’s just beautiful,” Michelle said, welling up with tears. She turned towards me and put her hand on my shoulder. “Baby, it has to be hard for you to be in here.” I hugged Michelle.

“Nope. Absolutely not. This… this is my happy place. I knew Kalani would always be with me, somehow. To me, this is the happiest place in the world.”

I remembered there was one more thing I wanted to show Michelle. I walked back into the kitchen and opened my laptop. I opened an internet browser and went to YouTube. I typed in Kalani’s Song. A bunch of results showed up, but there was one that was special. I clicked on it. Michelle looked at me puzzled as the video buffered. I smiled. The video began to play. “He wrote this a few weeks before he died.”

This is for Liv. My Life Saver.

The guitar kicked in. The video showed the back of a silhouetted Kalani sitting on a porch facing the ocean. The camera was behind him.

Monday, morning, …wake up and find you’re in a new world.

Love hides in places – places we can’t always see

Unexpected surprises – little things in store - for you and me

Long way from home – carrying a -- suitcase full of bad memories

Some lives need to pass away – before a new one can open its eyes and see

Thank you --  for changing my world, (making me see what I couldn’t see)

Thank you -- for saving me  (from myself, and things that shouldn’t be)

(bridge)

Your smiling face, erases any misery

The sound of your voice is, pretty as any symphony

The smell of your hair, smells like a floral masterpiece

And the touch of your skin, ooh, sends shivers all over me

Thank you -- for changing my world, (making me see what I couldn’t see)

Thank you, thank you so much -- for saving me (from myself, and things that shouldn’t be)

Thank you, thank you girl – for just being you (thank you for finding me)

Thank you is all I can say – from the bottom of my heart (our hearts beat in harmony)

(end)

Michelle teared up. She was speechless. That was a rarity. She made me play it again four or five times. With all the men she had been through, not one of them had ever written her a song. Michelle thought that was the sweetest thing in the entire world. She wiped the tears from her eyes. I handed her a tissue. I hoped I hadn’t just ended her marriage to Joe. I thought I’d text Joe and give him a heads up before she got home.

Mrs. Kaleo called us for dinner. We all gathered around my huge new dining room table. I had always wanted one, but Richard hated eating at home. I had the builder create a huge room around my ornate wood table. A large crystal chandelier hung directly over the center of the table. Mrs. Kaleo cooked up her specialty, barbeque ribs. She also made mashed potatoes and fresh green beans. For what she lacked in personality, she made up for in her culinary skills.

I lifted little Kalani up in his booster seat. He was the only one of us who could make Mrs. Kaleo smile. “Eat up big, little man, so you can be big like your father was. And win surf contests where you will make a lot of money.”

Little Kalani smiled.