Falling Forward (13 page)

Kalani shook his head and stared at the ocean. I got close to his ear and whispered. “It definitely doesn’t get more weird than writing an obituary on a napkin in a crowded restaurant. I think you owe me,” I recalled.

Kalani sighed. “Alright, OK. I am warning you – this is really bizarre. So I’m at this dinner at some fancy hall in Hollywood. I think it was the Chinese Theatre. I could see Hollywood Boulevard between the buildings. Anyway, I don’t know who I was with. But there were stars all over the place. I was sitting across from Angelina Jolie and Sandra Bullock. Bruce Willis kept telling me dirty jokes. I thought it was so cool to be hanging out with all these people! I got up and excused myself, and walked across the rest of the narrow room looking for the bathroom. I think I had been there before because I knew exactly where to go. This is where it gets weird. You sure you want me to continue?” he asked. I nodded.

“Okay, so I walk in the rest room, and there are four or five different types of urinals. Some were steel, some were porcelain, one looked like a tin trowel. They were all really close together. So as I’m fumbling with getting this long coat out of the way so I can do my business. Bon Jovi comes in and stands uncomfortably close to me and does his thing. I say something like, ‘Hey, what’s up, Bon Jovi.’ He nods at me. I’m like, ‘Dude, you probably shouldn’t be in here. Didn’t you hear the story?’ Bon Jovi looks at me and says, ‘Yeah, I know. But there’s Girl Scout Cookies, so we’re cool.’ I turned around and saw an oversized urinal, standing all alone, filled with Girl Scout Cookies. I knew there was some superstition that if rockers went to the bathroom here, their careers would end. But the Girl Scout Cookies somehow repelled that juju. Then I woke up.”

My jaw must have dropped off my face and on the ground. Then I laughed hysterically. I laughed so hard that it physically hurt. I actually keeled over. As I was convulsing in laughter, a little pee leaked out. I didn’t care. I hadn’t laughed like that since college. Kalani laughed at me laughing. I must have laughed for a good two or three minutes. It wasn’t even all that funny, but the shock of his summary somehow shook me from my senses. Maybe that little bit of oddness was all I needed to snap me out of my funk. Eventually, I began to compose myself.

“Kalani, I’m so sorry. I don’t know why I’m laughing. I really don’t. But I needed that so desperately bad. Thank you so much for sharing that story.” Kalani chuckled. “I’m just glad I didn’t freak you out. That’s the only dream I could ever remember. But now, missy, it’s your turn. You’ve got to tell me one of your dreams.”

I laughed again. “There is no way I can top that one,” I replied. “But let me think a moment…” I desperately wanted to oblige. I thought hard as I stared off at the coastline. I remembered most of my dreams, but I had never shared any of them with anyone. No one had ever asked. As I perused my memories, I found myself wanting to recall one of my more special ones. I was hoping to stumble upon something as obscure as Kalani’s dream, but nothing immediately came to mind. And then I remembered this one strange dream I had when I was a little girl.

“Okay, I have one, I have one. So I remember walking into a house. It was a large white house, neatly kept, surrounded by beautiful old trees with a wrap-around porch and a white railing. There were two white rocking chairs and a small table between them. I remember a pitcher filled with iced tea. I walked up the front steps and knocked on the old wooden screen door. No one answered. I pulled the door open and walked inside. The house was surprisingly huge, and I was worried about getting lost if I went any further. I turned around to leave, but then I heard music. I called out ‘Hello…’ but no one answered. The music seemed to be coming from the right. I walked into a large living room with straw furniture and all these pictures on the wall. I couldn’t tell what the pictures were, they seemed blurry. Stuff in dreams always seems to be blurry. There were two doors leading out of the room, one which looked like it went into a kitchen, and another that I couldn’t quite tell. The music seemed to be coming out of the second room. I walked towards it slowly and tried to peek inside. For some reason, the room was too bright. I couldn’t see anything but bright light. The sound moved towards the back of the house. Across the living room, there was another screen door that led to a back porch. I walked outside and I remember seeing the ocean. Large teal waves splashing against the sand. The water was so beautifully clear I could see colorful fish swimming as far as I could see. The music was coming from the left, and I saw a man sitting in another rocking chair. He was behind a white pole, and he was very dark, silhouetted by the sun. He knew I was there. He began to sing something, but I couldn’t understand the words. But the song was beautiful. I leaned against the other side of the pole, careful not to interrupt him, because I didn’t want the song to end. The song finished. The man put the guitar down, and got up and stretched. He turned towards me, but that’s when I woke up. I still recall parts of the song. Sometimes I’ll hum them when I’m not thinking about it.”

Kalani looked at me and paused. “Wow. That is quite a dream, Liv. Sounds like you have movies in your head! That’s awesome. Can you hum the song for me? Or any of it that you can remember?”

I blushed and giggled. “No, I can’t sing. At all. Richard and I did karaoke on a cruise ship once, and he told me I sounded like an old broken mower. I hated to agree with him, but he’s probably right. I vowed to never sing again.”

Kalani put his strong hands on my shoulders and gently turned me towards him. “Listen, everyone can sing. You just have to find the right song. And then you have to make it yours. It cracks me up at karaoke, when these people try to copy a singer note for note. Don’t be that singer – just be you. Make it your own. It always turns out better that way.” I smiled and looked away. There was no way I was going to sing for Kalani, even as cute as he was.

“Maybe later. I might need a few glasses of wine before I get that comfortable,” I said sarcastically. “Probably much more than I had last night.”

We took another look around from this gorgeous vista. A large crowd of New Yorkers came up to join us. Their loud and boisterous conversations kind of ruined it for us. They reminded me of a family of chest-thumping gorillas.

We descended the mountain, this time avoiding the large staircase and taking the bypass. There were so many beautiful views on the way down. I took a lot of pictures of Kalani. We got to the bottom, and there was a shaved ice truck. I was still a little gun shy from the last shaved ice I got, but Kalani gave me a no plastic guarantee. The lemon-lime was wonderful. His favorite was mango. Kalani ate two as we sat on the bench and watched tourists endeavor on their adventure.

We sat there for a few hours while we finished our game of 20 Questions. Rebound or not, I wasn’t letting this wonderful man slip away without at least getting to know him.

TEN
: REASONS

Thankfully, the water was warm. It was about 84 degrees, according to the chalkboard at the end of the parking lot. I was still amazed at the clearest teal water I have ever seen. There are some beautiful beaches in the Bahamas and in Jamaica, but this water was clearest I had ever seen. I thought for sure, especially after seeing that polluted canal, that there must have been an area that wasn’t so clean. Apparently, that’s somewhere off the tourist grid.

I laid down on the long white board and paddled out a good fifty feet or so. Kalani paddled out next to me. He found a spot and told me to turn around. I managed to swing my board around and face the beach without looking too foolish. “Okay, now get on your knees,” he yelled. I admit I was a little wobbly, but I managed to straddle the board like a dog without falling over. I was pretty proud of myself. Kalani looked back and saw a small wave forming. “Okay, good. Now, try to slowly stand up.” I slowly pushed myself up, still wobbly, and managed to actually stand on the surfboard. “Great! Great!” he shouted. “Now bend your knees and ride it in!”

As soon as the small wave hit the back of my board, I became one with the ocean. I quickly learned this surfing stuff is nowhere as easy as it looks. I tried the same routine six, seven, eight more times with similar results. I finally laid on the board and let the waves push me to the shore. That was it for today. I was exhausted. Kalani surfed in smugly in behind me.

“What’s the matter? You were almost there, Liv! Try it one more time. I promise you’ll get it.” I laughed. “You’re trying to kill me again, aren’t you? Sorry, only one obituary per customer.” Kalani snickered. “Alright, it’s about lunchtime anyway,” he said. We grabbed our boards and carried them to Kalani’s van.

He strapped the boards to the roof with some kind of strange contraption. I watched his shirtless physique as he was strapping the boards on. I noticed he didn’t have a six-pack – his was more like an eight-pack. This guy was buff. Not too big, like the steroid-laced monsters Richard would work out with, but a natural, plain old physically fit good looking body. I then remembered that Richard swore the steroids he took had in fact resulted in his penis shrinking. I don’t know why that thought popped into my mind at that moment. I realized I couldn’t remember the last time I had sex. Apparently, I was ready for some loving. How could you not be with a man like Kalani? Here I was, with the best looking and most popular guy in Hawaii, and he was avoiding me in that way because he thought I was on the rebound. I knew I was well past rebound. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that ball had stopped bouncing years ago. I daydreamed for a moment. Michelle used to joke about some women who were not able to walk normally due to friction burns from a long and amorous night. I giggled thinking that could be me – someday.

I began to contrive my master plan. I was determined to figure out how to make Kalani my non-rebound boyfriend. Even if it wasn’t long term, I assured myself it would be psychologically therapeutic.

Kalani finished up, and he ran around and opened the door for me. It sure didn’t seem like he was avoiding me. To the inexperienced me, I believed beyond any reasonable doubt that Kalani was sending me all the signals. We chatted as we drove to that little town Michelle and I wanted to visit. He pulled into the parking lot of the same restaurant we wanted to see. It was if Kalani was in my mind again. I was silently freaking out. Maybe Michelle told him about that restaurant, but how could she have? Who knows.

As far in tune as Kalani was, Richard was the polar opposite. I can’t recall him ever opening any door for me. In his defense, I’ve never really been the type of girl who would have expected that kind of treatment. Maybe I opened my own door too quickly and never gave him the opportunity. I have to admit, it was nice to be thought of. Thinking back, I don’t think Richard ever considered me in
any
manner. I felt stupid and used once again, and that got me angry. Kalani pulled out the chair for me to sit at the adorable outside table. “Liv, what’s the matter?” asked Kalani. “You look like you’re mad at the world. Was it something I said?”

How could he read me like this? Now it was getting a little scary. I was beginning to believe Kalani was inside my mind. I never believed in ESP or any kind of silly witchcraft, but this was bordering on supernatural. If anyone has an unreadable poker face, it’s definitely me. You have to have a poker face when you’re telling patients, who you know are about to die, that there is hope. How could Kalani have known that I was upset about something? I managed a smile. “No, I’m fine. This is terrific. Nice. Things couldn’t be any more perfect. Thank you, Kalani.” But he knew. He knew exactly what I was thinking. I swear he could physically feel my pain. He stared right into my eyes for a moment, then he looked down.

The waitress asked for our drink order. “Know what? Give me a Bud, and the lady will have a… Chardonnay?” I wasn’t really a Chardonnay fan, but it was kind of sweet that he wanted to order for me. At least it wasn’t a Mai Tai. Richard would always order Chardonnay, and I never corrected him either. Maybe I was supposed to like Chardonnay. The waitress looked at me to verify that’s what I wanted. I didn’t want to embarrass Kalani, but I didn’t want to waste a perfectly good glass of Chardonnay either. “Know what? I’ll take a Pinot Grigio if you have one. House is fine.” I felt I needed to lighten up the mood, just in case. Richard used to get angry whenever I changed any of his decisions. “Shoot, I don’t even care if it’s from a box.” I looked at Kalani with an apologetic smile. His confidence didn’t seem to waver.

“You know, I was married once. A bunch of years ago. Younger girl. A lot younger. Sometimes I felt like she was more like my kid than my wife. She followed me around like a puppy. She did everything I wanted to do. Never seemed to have an opinion. What you did right there, that was hot. I’m impressed.”

Someone pinch me. This has to be a freakin’ dream! I was relieved that he wasn’t married. I was worried that I still was. I never bothered to ask that question the other day during our game of 20 questions primarily because I didn’t want to know, but I am so glad he brought it up. I may have met the man of my dreams, but I may have missed my opportunity with unfortunate timing. But he was still here. And he opened the door for me and pulled out my chair. And he was spending all this time with me. Me alone. He had to be slightly interested. I wanted to know so much more about this man. He unknowingly opened the door. “Tell me about her,” I pried.

“Well, she was 19, I was 25. She was the prettiest thing I had ever seen – well until then.” I smiled. Kalani continued. “We met her at some surf contest. She was always there, at every contest. I thought she was with the sponsors, but it turns out she was just a groupie. One thing led to another, and the next thing you know, there was this big wedding. It seemed to snowball – got bigger and bigger. It was out of control. I remember driving to the wedding thinking I didn’t really want to do this. I wasn’t really in love with her. I never was. But my family and her family had spent a lot of money, and like a thousand people were going to be there, so how can you back out of that? So we went through with it. I forced smiles for the pictures and for my guests. I couldn’t help thinking I had just made a horrible mistake.”

The waitress brought our drinks. Kalani quickly took a huge sip, then made a face. Not as bad as the Mai Tai face, but a face nonetheless. He stared out at the street. He seemed sad. “We stuck it out for a couple of years. She totally freaked out when I asked for a divorce. She ended up taking everything. I didn’t care. I had my freedom.”

Freedom
. That’s what I had been feeling since I got off that airplane. I didn’t realize it until that moment. I felt like a huge ball and chain had been cut from my ankle. I could walk lighter and faster. I had a renewed sense of, well,
life
. And writing my own obituary made me feel even more liberated. I had no idea what to say to make Kalani feel better. He always seemed so happy in the few days I had known him, so this other side was difficult to digest.

“Kalani, you know what? I’m taking
you
out to dinner tonight. And I won’t take no for an answer. We’re going out to celebrate freedom. To celebrate life. So, besides that crazy shrimp stand, what’s your favorite restaurant?”

“OK, it’s a date,” he said as he appeared to perk up a bit. “How about, I don’t know, the Cheesecake Factory? At about 8?”

My heart sank once again. I took a long sip of my Pinot Noir as I boarded my emotional rollercoaster. The Cheesecake Factory was Richard’s favorite haunt. We would always go there for every birthday, anniversary, or any sort of celebration. To me, the Cheesecake Factory would always be Richard’s restaurant. I didn’t know if I could handle that, but at the same time, I didn’t want to disappoint Kalani. I made a cringed pucker face.

“Uh oh, something tells me that’s a bad idea. We can go somewhere else…” I stopped him. “No. Cheesecake Factory will be great.” I smiled, unconvincingly. “That was, well,
his
place.”

“Listen, Liv. The world goes on. The past is the past. I learned you need to leave it there. It’s hard to pretend it didn’t happen, and you don’t have to. You and your ex probably had a long history together. You shared a lot of experiences. But you can’t let those experiences bring you down. That will drive you crazy. What you need to do is take it back. Make those memories and experiences all yours. Take the Cheesecake Factory back.
Take it all back
.”

Take it back
. Seems like a power trip, not really my thing, but it could help deal with this. I could make the restaurants and even the songs we shared, and the artists we liked, the movies we watched, the places we visited – all mine again. He didn’t deserve to cast that permanent dark cloud over the rest of my life. I could take them all back. How empowering that could be. I had never thought of that. It was brilliant. “Take it all back. I love it, Kalani! The Cheesecake Factory, it’s now all mine.” I stood up and flailed my arms and reached for the most sinister voice I could conjure. “It’s all mine! Thank you, Kalani!” I pulled him out of his chair and gave him a warm embrace. He smiled and returned it. I loved feeling his warm buff body against mine. I secretly wanted more. But like everything else I tried to hide, I failed. Either I was a bit too obvious, or he was amazingly intuitive. He was on to me. Kalani knew where my heart was headed.

“You know, I like you Liv. I really like you a lot. You’re an amazing person. You’re smart, beautiful, kind, considerate… any man would be lucky to have you. But with you rebounding and all, and me… well, I have to warn you, I’m not ready to be in a relationship right now. I can’t. I just can’t.”

Kalani sat down and took another swig of his Bud. I stood there looking at him. I didn’t understand. I suppose I wasn’t really ready for a relationship either. After all, I was still technically married. But it was difficult to hear those words from his lips. I felt like, in a way, I was being rejected. I didn’t understand why he voluntarily wanted to spend all this time with me. There were definitely mixed signals. I had no idea what to say.

“Hey, it’s all good,” I told him as I sat down. “We don’t have to go to dinner. But I’d like to stay for lunch, if that’s alright. Or I can grab a cab back to the hotel…”

Kalani cut me off. He grabbed my hand across the table. “Liv...” He shook his head. “I was afraid I’d screw that up. Don’t misunderstand me. It’s definitely not you, it’s me.” I began to pull away, but he pulled me back. “I know that sounds so cliché, but it’s true. I’ve got a lot going on right now, and… well, it’s just a bad time for me. But I still would love to go to dinner and hang out with you. If that’s still alright. I know you’re going through some stuff right now, and I’m so sorry to be so confusing, but that’s just me. I know you’re hurting, and you don’t need any more hurt right now,” he said. At least the hand grab was reassuring. Kalani continued. “Liv, I know this sounds weird, but in my heart, I have to believe there was a reason we met. I think there is a reason for everything.” I looked into his eyes. He looked sad. “I think I know what it is. Maybe you just really needed new luggage. But honestly, that was a really shitty way to get it.” I laughed nervously.

The waitress came by, and we ordered lunch. This was a perfect opportunity to change the conversation. I had a feeling surfing would lighten Kalani up. Knowing nothing about surfing, I threw out a few dumb questions. Kalani happily obliged.