Falling Forward (8 page)

There was a young but raspy voice on the other end. Sounded like someone who had one too many cigarettes.
Hey, this is me. You know who I am. If you don’t, why are you still here? Just messin’. You know what to do at the beep. Later gator.
BEEP.

I was silent for a moment. “Hello?” I didn’t know what else to say. “I’m not sure… well, if I have the right number. This is Olivia Garvin, and I… I wanted to find out whose number this was. I found it scribbled in Richard’s car, and… well… sorry for the trouble.” I hung up.

Sorry for the trouble
? Who says that? I was furious with myself for not being more confident. I may be many things, but a wuss is definitely not one of them. And I just sounded like a Grade-A, bona fied
wuss
. I considered calling back, but that would be psychotic. I put my phone back in my purse and sulked.

A minute or so later, my phone rang. The caller ID was the same number I had just called. I answered it immediately.

“Hello?” I said, insecurely, once again.

“Mrs. Garvin?” said the raspy young female voice on the other end, further verifying the worst possible outcome I could possibly imagine. My heart sunk, yet again. But I had to play this out.

“Yes, this is Olivia Garvin. Who is this?”

The young voice paused. I could hear her breathe. “How did you get my number?” She sounded more puzzled than scared. That was reassuring in a strange way.

“I found it in Richard’s car. Among other things.” I began to feel my confidence rushing back into me, just in time. I knew I only had one shot at this conversation, and I was going to try and get the truth. “So this is… Kimberly, right?”

Kimberly didn’t hesitate. She took a deep breath and let it all out. “Richard is such an asshole! I fucking HATE him. I feel so sorry for you, I should have never gotten involved with him. And I am so sorry I ruined your marriage. I know it sounds weird, but I never meant to hurt you. Mrs. Garvin, you’ve always been, well, a hero to me.”

“Kim, tell me what happened. I know it’s going to be hard to believe, but I’m on your side.” I really wasn’t, but I needed to work the situation to get the truth out of this conniving bitch. I needed to determine if I was going to give Richard a chance, or put this thing to bed for good. I got up and walked over to a quiet area. “Kim, what did he do to you?”

“A black eye and three broken ribs is what that fucker did to me! And he wasn’t even man enough to do it himself. Hired some asshole. You should see him – I beat the piss out of him,” said Kimberly proudly.

I began to paint a picture of this woman’s psyche. She was small and a little heavy, probably packing more of a punch than I could have imagined. But I needed more. “I heard. Listen, I’m so sorry. I had no idea any of this was going on. Caught me totally by surprise. Are you OK?”

“Yeah, it was a couple weeks ago, but I’m getting better.” Kim paused for a moment. “You know, I thought you would be mad as hell at me. I’ve been wanting to talk to you for months.”

“Well, I am angry, but not necessarily at you. It takes two to Tango, and he was married. Happily, or so I thought. This is mostly Richard’s fault. I left him when I finally heard what happened. We’re getting divorced. I can’t be with a man like that.” I hoped I sounded convincing.

“Good. You need to stay away from him before he has someone beat you up too.”

You naïve little bitch, I thought. She tried to extort money from Richard, which was basically the same as extorting money from me. If Richard hired someone to shut her down so I wouldn’t find out about them, why would he go after me? I was the one he was trying to protect. I wanted to know more. “Kimberly, did he tell you why he did this? You know, why he sent somebody after you?”

“No, it was just out of nowhere. I have no idea. Random. He is completely crazy!”

I knew she was lying. I took a chance at making her angry, hoping she’d slip and say something stupid. “I heard you were asking him for money to keep your relationship with him a secret from me. And he didn’t want to see you anymore, and you got angry. He was afraid of what you were going to do. Is that the truth, Kimberly?”

Her voice got more raspy and loud, and her speech became fast and confident. “No. No. I told him I didn’t want to see HIM anymore. He is such a fat fucking liar. The only money he paid me was my salary for working. That’s all bullshit. Did Richard tell you he was paying me off to shut up?”

“Yes, he did. He also told me he promised you a trip to Hawaii that you were supposed to be on right now.”

She was silent for a moment. “Look, I don’t know what you want. I am not with Richard anymore. And I never will be again. I can promise you that. I hope his ass rots in hell for what he did to me. I’m sorry things didn’t work out for you two. But think about it this way – maybe I did you a favor. I made you see what an asshole Richard really is.”

That was the last straw. I was pissed. I had to bite my tongue and swiftly walk to an even less crowded area. “Who do you think you are teaching ME a lesson? How dare you insinuate that you’ve done ME a favor by destroying my marriage! I’m sorry your paycheck is gone, and you didn’t get to go to Hawaii. You and Richard deserve each other.”

I heard her begin to sob. Maybe that was too strong. I immediately regretted saying that. Maybe I should have kept the line of communication open.

“I’m fucking pregnant,” she cried. “And yeah, it’s his.” She hung up.

“Jesus Christ…” I said in shock, as the phone fell out of my hand and smashed on the ground. I slumped to the ground next to it.

I’m not sure why those words hit me so hard. Probably because there was a possibility that Richard knew about the pregnancy and decided he now wanted to have children, well after it was biologically feasible for me to have a child without risking a later life birth defect. Maybe it was because her pregnancy made their affair seem so much more real. Vivid pictures of my husband making love to Kimberly flooded my mind. I couldn’t handle it.

I got up and started walking. Down through the lobby and out on to the beach. I don’t remember where I walked or how far. I was in a daze.

An hour or two later, it may have been longer; I managed to regain my senses and headed back to the hotel. I still hadn’t put any sunblock on, and my arms and chest were beginning to hurt. I went back to my room to lie down. Fortunately, the cleaning lady was in my room, because I didn’t have my card key. I walked in and thanked her for cleaning my room. She asked if she should come back later. I told her I didn’t mind.

Sleep quickly took me away from my disgruntled reality once again.

EIGHT
: 20 QUESTIONS

I woke up at about four-thirty. I was still groggy when I recalled I had a dinner reservation at six. I rubbed my eyes and tried to sit up, but plopped back down on the bed. I stared at the plain white ceiling, feeling weak and uninspired. It was time to shake this off. Olivia Garvin was dead, remember? And there was no reason to mourn.

I looked down at my hand, spotting my ring again. I picked it out myself. It was the most beautiful ring I had ever seen – a two-carat emerald-cut stone set on an unassuming yellow gold band with a couple of smaller diamonds on either side. My matching wedding band used to slide around the bottom, so I had my jeweler attach them permanently. That ring was the only piece of jewelry I wore, besides a pair of occasional earrings on special events. I struggled to slide it off. It had been more than fourteen years since I had taken it off. After a little soap and cold water, I managed to remove it. I looked at my finger and saw a tanless ring on the indentation of where my ring used to live. I rubbed it a bit in a feign effort to make the indentation disappear.

It’s difficult to explain, but my finger felt naked – like something was missing. I placed the ring in my purse, then went to sit on the bed. The missing-something feeling really bothered me – not because of its symbolism, but because I felt like I had physically lost something. I thought about that irony for a moment. Oddly, that strange process made me feel better.

I thought about cancelling dinner. Maybe I wasn’t ready to dine with another man. Maybe I should spend a little more time finding myself before I drag someone else into my baggage. I looked for Kalani’s card, and remembered that Michelle had it and probably took it with her. I thought about calling Michelle for the number, but she was probably still in the air somewhere.

I figured I could go downstairs at six and just tell Kalani I wasn’t up to it. I could fake being sick, although most doctors have a hard time doing that, and I don’t like liars. But I was hungry. I hadn’t eaten yet today. And it would be nice to talk with someone. I guess I convinced myself to go.

I needed a shower badly. I turned the water on, and was surprised how good the pressure was in the hotel. I took my bikini off and stepped in the hot water. I just stood there for a moment, pretending to wash away all the negative thoughts and depression from the past several days. I wanted to wash my conversation with Kim down the drain too. I watched below as whatever was left of Olivia Garvin metaphorically floated down the drain. I waved goodbye to her. I wished it was really that easy.

I finished my shower and stepped on to the bath mat. I wiped the dripping water from my hair and face, and then the condensation from the mirror. I looked at my hair. I hadn’t worn it down too much. It was always either short and tightly slicked back, or longer and pulled back into a pony tail. But tonight, I was going to wear it down. As I brushed it, I was surprised at how long my hair had become. I couldn’t remember the last time I had a haircut. For the first time I could recall, I realized that maybe I had spent too much time tending to Dr. Garvin’s work and Mrs. Garvin’s domestic duties, and not enough time on Olivia.

I wondered if that was part of the underlying problem that led to the demise of Richard and I. Maybe I should have gussied myself up a little more often.
Gussied
was my mother’s word. Ostensibly, that didn’t matter now. If Richard had a problem with the way I looked, he should have told me. The new Olivia won’t make those mistakes. From now on, it’s Olivia first, and the world second. I had already given 41 years to the world. Years 42 and forward were going to give something back to me.

I perked up a bit when I began to think about my limitless future, and the fun I could have doing whatever I wanted to do for a change. Sure, I’d have to rearrange my work schedule, but I could certainly make arrangements to phase another physician in. And I wasn’t quite sure what I wanted to do yet, but that’s the easy part. I was sure I could figure something out. I thought about the endless possibilities of where to live and where I’d work. Maybe I’d start my own practice and hire a couple physician’s assistants. That would free me up quite a bit. For the first time in my life, I felt like I was finally free.

I was never a prissy girl, so I wasn’t entirely sure how to do my hair. Michelle would usually help me with things like that, especially when we had some sort of wedding or social outing. She was a cosmetics expert. As a matter of fact, after her second divorce, she had her breasts enlarged. Dr. Dillon took fatty tissue from her rear-end and transplanted that to her breasts so there wouldn’t be any rejection issues. I have to admit, they looked fantastic. Natural. Real. Huge. I finally opted for the straight down hair look. I laughed when I thought I slightly resembled Gwyneth Paltrow. People had told me that before, but this was the first time I had actually seen the similarity. I giggled when I thought I could now describe my own break up with Richard as a
conscious uncoupling
.

I began to feel better and more energized. I thought about going for a run before dinner, but that didn’t make sense. I had just showered, and it would be silly to do it again.

The bright yellow dress in the closet appeared to be calling me. I’m sure that Michelle positioned it purposefully so I couldn’t possibly miss it. It was a very sexy dress, cut low in the front, definitely accentuating my bust line. It flowed unevenly around my knees. Fortunately, I have decent legs. I would never normally wear something like this. But this was the new me, and I was a million miles from anywhere I had ever been. Plus, I was soon going to be single. So what the heck, I thought. Michelle picked out a matching necklace and left it lying on the dresser. I put it on. I did look kind of cute, I suppose. My new sexy brown sandals would finish it off. 

Luckily, I had pretty good skin. The unintentional tan I received during my zombie walk earlier in the day gave my face a nice natural blush. I put on a little lipstick and finished getting dressed.

I stood in front of the mirror and wondered if this new Olivia was worthy of another relationship. I thought about it, and rather than perform another useless self-evaluation, for the first time ever, I entertained taking a selfie. I always hated the way Michelle’s teenaged niece and her girlfriends always pursed their lips in that awkward non-flattering position in every selfie you see on Instagram, looking like they’ve recently recovered from some botched lip fill treatment. I tried the pursing, but I resembled someone who just suffered a debilitating stroke. Or worse, I looked like a duck.

As I looked for my phone to actually take the picture, I realized I had left whatever was left of my phone and other things by the pool. “Shit,” I said aloud. I vaguely remembered dropping it. I hoped it was all still there. I got on the elevator and rushed down to the pool deck. Most of the chairs were empty, and my belongings were gone. There was nothing left and the pool area was quiet, other than a few children still splashing around in the pool unsupervised. I went to the front desk to inquire if someone had hopefully collected them and turned them in. There was a long line of people waiting to check in. I looked at my watch and it was just before 6. I had hoped I could squeeze through and see if my things were there. I looked for someone who might be able to help. Everyone appeared to be busy.

Someone approached me from behind. “Dr. Liv?” said the confident male voice. I turned to face him. “Wow, you look stunning!,” he said. “You look like some movie star, I can’t place who.” I was going to say Gwyneth, but I abstained. “So, are you and Michelle ready for dinner?”

I looked at Kalani and smiled. He had a Hawaiian shirt on. I hated Richard’s Hawaiian shirts, but Kalani’s wasn’t bad. It was much more subtle than any of Richard’s. It was a silky, short sleeved shirt, sort of an off white color, with silhouetted flowers. He had long khaki dress pants on. And sandals. No socks, thank goodness. Richard used to wear socks with his sandals.

“Well, um, I guess she didn’t tell you. Michelle had to leave,” I mustered. I wasn’t sure how much I should tell him. “Family emergency. It’s a, uh, medical thing. So it would just be us, you and me, if that’s still alright. I mean, we can rain check if you’d like…”

“No worries, no worries. That’s perfect. Is Michelle OK?”

“Michelle is fine. It’s her father. Broken hip. He’s gone through this before. But since there’s no one else, she has to tend to him.” I wondered why my sentences seemed so short and non-conversational. I think I was actually nervous. “Hey, I know we have reservations, but would you mind if we hung out here for a moment? I left some stuff at the pool earlier, and I need to see if it’s still here. My phone…”

“No problem, Liv. Is it okay if I called you Liv? Like Liv Tyler?”

That sounded a little goofy, but I nodded and smiled. Michelle was the only person other than my mother that had ever called me Liv. I never really liked it. But when he said it, it sounded so different – so natural. “Liv is great.” Then I said it. I followed up his genuine sweetness with a really poor effort at being funny. “Can I call you Kal?” Boy was that stupid. I felt like a complete idiot.

“Um, no,” he said, laughing. “No, I don’t think
Kal
is going to do it for me. I mean, I guess I could think about it for a while. Maybe it might grow on me.” He paused momentarily. “No, definitely not.” He laughed again. “Come over here, I think I might be able to hook you up.” He shook his head and laughed again. “Kal. Maybe? I don’t know.”

We walked across the lobby to a door that led to an office. Kalani knocked on the door quietly, then opened it. He motioned for me to hang on a second and walked inside, closing the door behind him. There was a loud noise inside that sounded like someone shouting. A good shouting, I hoped. I waited and looked around and the entire lobby seemed to be staring at me. I looked down to see if I had smeared something on my dress. It was incredibly bright. Nope, nothing smeared. I looked away for a moment, trying to avoid looking awkward, but my stare returned to the painted yellow door. Less than a minute later, Kalani walked out of the office with a clear plastic bag of stuff. He reached in and pulled my phone out.

“Uh oh, this isn’t good.” He handed me my broken phone. “The screen is smashed. Sometimes these things still work, even with a smashed screen. But yours doesn’t look that lucky.”

That was kind of how my life was going since my 42nd birthday. My whole life had been smashed and ruined. I wasn’t surprised. “Well, that’s my fault. I dropped it earlier. I’m just glad to get it back.”

Kalani looked at me with a concerned gaze. “Hmmm. Does this look like everything?” asked Kalani.

I looked through the bag and found my purse, my cover up, Michelle’s Kindle, and my towel. I was amazed to find nothing was missing. Even my cash was still there. “Wow, that actually looks like everything. Thank you so much. I can’t believe it was all still there.”

“Good people here. Hawaiian people are basically very happy people. Good souls. Well, most of them, anyway. I can’t vouch for the tourists, but you know how that goes. I think Queen Liliuokalani is looking after you.”

A very dark skinned older island man, slightly balding, in his late 50s, wearing a grey suit, emerged from the office and closed the door behind him. He shook hands with Kalani, then hugged him. They obviously knew each other. “Who is this young lady? Maybe this is… the future Mrs. Kalani?” I blushed.

“No, no,” laughed Kalani. “This is my friend, Dr. Liv. Liv, this is Mr. Caldwell. He’s the
alaka’i
around here.”

He smiled and offered his hand. “It is very nice to meet you, Dr. Liv. If you need anything at all during your stay, please don’t hesitate to ask for me.” He reached in his pocket and handed me his card. “You’ve got quite a surf instructor here. Ask him – he’s got a wall full of trophies and awards. But he’ll never admit that. Too modest” He slapped Kalani on the shoulder. I think Kalani blushed, but it was hard to tell through his dark skin. “Hey, you two enjoy your night. Very nice to make your acquaintance, Dr. Liv. Mahalo.” He smiled as he turned and walked towards the front desk.

“You ready Liv?” asked Kalani.

Alright, I’ll admit it. Now I was in love with the name
Liv
. Maybe it was just the way
he
said it. Or maybe it was just him. I guess I might as well kill the name
Olivia
too. Technically, that’s a double homicide – my persona and now my first name. I was now guiltier than Richard. I smiled like a deranged killer.

“Yep, ready. Where are we going?” I asked.

“
That
, my friend, is a secret. But we have to run or we’ll miss it.” Kalani escorted me to his white van. I was a little nervous at first, remembering his driving skills the first time we met. He opened the passenger door for me. That was a surprise. I didn’t think men did that anymore, mostly because most women didn’t
want
men to open doors for them. I didn’t really care either way about the gesture, but it was nice to be thought of in a polite manner. He gently closed the door. It was an older van, probably circa 1990s. Its dark blue seats probably hid any dirt that was about to cling to my bright yellow dress. I wanted to brush off the seat before I sat down, but I didn’t want to be rude. The van had a distinct odor of fish. It wasn’t offensive; it was more nautical, like a fresh catch. There were several papers and brochures scattered across the top of the dashboard. A large plastic toolbox sat in the space between the two bucket seats. Kalani closed my door, walked around, and climbed in.