Falling Forward (15 page)
Authors: Olivia Black
I finally got up to use the bathroom. I looked at myself in the mirror, and I was a disheveled mess. I attempted to fix my hair, but gave up. I took another look, and decided the
freshly fucked look
was sort of becoming. I walked back to the bedroom. Kalani was sitting on the edge of the bed, waiting for me with open arms.
I could have died. He pulled me back on to the bed and I put my head on his chest. I could hear his heart beating. We both drifted off in the most peaceful sleep I had in years.
Morning came as the sunrise peeked through Kalani’s bedroom window. We were still in the same position, my head nestled into his muscular chest. I didn’t want to get up, but I was still in my panties with no bra, covered partially with a small blanket. I wasn’t sure if Kalani had a roommate. I slid off Kalani, careful not to awaken him. I saw a pile of folded laundry sitting on a chair. I grabbed one of his button down shirts and a pair of gym shorts.
I found a couple of photographs on his wall. One looked to be a young Kalani at some surf competition holding a trophy that looked bigger than he was. The other was a rather large woman standing with a young Kalani and what looked like it might be Keanna. Maybe that was mom. I wondered if I would ever get to meet her.
I watched Kalani sleeping. He looked completely peaceful. I watched his beautiful chest rise as he took a breath. His closed eyes moved as if he were having a dream.
I knew I shouldn’t have come here. I knew I was now as wrong as Richard was. But I didn’t care.
I wasn’t sure how Kalani would feel when he awoke. Would he feel regret? Anger? Or would he be as sad as I, knowing this affair would soon end, as I went back to my world, and he to his? He coughed, and then started to stir. I got back in bed and cuddled up next to him.
“Hey, you’re still here. I thought it was just a dream,” said Kalani in his morning voice. He cleared his throat. “But I’m glad you were real.”
I leaned over and kissed his cheek. “Me too. Do you remember what you were dreaming about?” Kalani closed his eyes, then stretched.
“Yeah, it was a song. Some song, guitar, I think I remember the melody. Don’t know where it was coming from – it was like your dream. But I don’t get as much detail as you do in your crazy dreams. It was weird.”
Kalani sat up. “Hang out a minute – I need to brush my teeth. I think I have an extra toothbrush.” Kalani walked to the bathroom, and brought back a toothbrush. I thanked him. I heard someone else shuffling in the kitchen. “Kalani!” The loud male voice yelled. “Heading to work, man. You need anything?” Kalani quickly closed his bedroom door.
“No, buddy,” said Kalani through the crack of the door, as he looked back at me covering myself with my hands. “Mahalo. Have a good one. See you tonight.” The front door opened, then closed. “That’s my roommate. No worries, he’s cool. He’s a police officer. Keeps things cool around here.”
I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth, and Kalani followed. “You want some breakfast?” asked Kalani. “Sure, as long as it’s not fish soup,” I snidely replied, before spitting out the toothpaste and rinsing. Kalani laughed. He walked up to me and brushed the hair from my eyes. I put my arms around his waist again. Kalani kissed me on the lips. We quickly ended up in the bedroom again. This time, it was my turn to take control.
I gently pulled Kalani’s shorts off. He was ready to go. I pushed him on to his bed. I climbed on top. I began kissing his lips. I couldn’t believe how much I loved his mouth. I worked my way down to his shirtless chest. Now that I could actually see him and his amazingly buff chest, I got even hotter. I had seen men with this kind of physique at a few bachelorette parties, but I had never had the opportunity to explore one for myself.
I ran my tongue over his hard brown nipples, biting lightly, teasing him. I worked my way down his chest, one ab at a time. Kalani was mostly silent, but let out a soft moan as I reached his navel area. I looked Kalani in the eye as I raised my head. I knew what he wanted. I smiled as I began to take his manliness into my mouth, a little at a time, making small circles with my tongue.
I didn’t have a lot of experience with blow jobs. Richard would watch some soft porn in the bedroom hoping I would learn a few things. I was paying attention. I pulled out all the tricks. Kalani’s rock hard body quickly became even more stiff. “I’m gonna come…” he warned me. I stopped. I climbed on top of him and put him inside me. He finished almost immediately. I felt like a dirty whore. And I loved every minute of it.
We cuddled for a short while. Kalani’s belly was rumbling. We finally put some clothes on and made it back into the kitchen for breakfast. Kalani smiled at me as he brushed behind me in the tight little kitchen. I thought about my dream kitchen for a moment. But somehow, it paled in comparison to this humble little place with its white nicked sink and its warped wooden floors. This house felt like a home.
For the first time, I realized my house was more of a museum. Turns out all the things I thought pleased me were merely pacifiers. I needed to be loved. And loved a lot. Ostensibly, that’s what I’ve been missing all along. I hadn’t even loved myself.
At this point in my life, nothing else really mattered. I could have spent the rest of my days in that kitchen with that man.
Technically, Kalani was probably right. I was completely on rebound. I can tell you without hesitation that getting fucked by a man who’s ten times hotter than your soon to be ex-husband is the perfect therapy for any scorned woman. I would write that prescription for any woman who was in a similar situation.
Kalani and I spent the rest of the day together, mostly on the rocking chairs on his back porch. We talked a little, napped for a bit, and largely enjoyed listening to the waves crash upon the rocky shore. He seemed to be feeling better. His face was a little pale, but he was otherwise normal. Apparently, that fish soup is a miracle remedy.
Later that afternoon, Kalani went inside for a moment, and came out a with a guitar. Holy shit, I thought, and he’s a musician too. I joked to myself that I was getting wet once again. I wanted to sit on his lap and fuck him again, but I wanted more to see where this guitar thing was going to go.
He began to strum a few chords. I smiled as he played, hoping he wouldn’t stop. I had some guitar lessons as a child, and thought his style was a little strange. Kalani told me a story about German and Spanish settlers bringing guitars to the island and teaching his ancestors how to play. But when they left, they never taught anyone how to tune a guitar. So Hawaiians figured out their own tuning procedure, and it evolved into something called “Slack Key Guitar.” He was easily able to play some interesting chord arrangements I would have never considered. Kalani played a song he had been working on. He seemed to get stuck at a certain point several times. In my head, I heard a segue.
I didn’t want to intrude, but I thought I might be able to help him overcome his frustration. I got up and asked Kalani if I could see his guitar for a moment. I sat back down and tried to play a few chords, but I couldn’t figure out the unconventional tuning. Kalani laughed. Eventually, I found the chord I was looking for.
“How about this, where your song gets stuck, what if you tried this?” I played the three chords I heard in my head. Kalani’s eyes perked up. He came over and took the guitar from me, his eyes never leaving mine. He sat back down and played his song up to the point where he was sticking, and played my three chords, and segued into another part that seemed to sound like it was meant to be. Kalani grinned. He put his guitar down and came over to me and gave me a huge warm hug. “Live Saver – and
song
saver too,” exclaimed Kalani.
He began to hum a few tones as he figured out this composition. His masculine voice seemed to have a wonderfully wide range, always in tune with the music. And he could sing, too! Was there anything this man couldn’t do? Magic tricks? Dance? Act? Juggle? There were so many layers to peel away.
I remembered that I should be careful not to set myself up for another fall. He had already told me he wasn’t ready for a relationship. I knew I had to respect that. But I wasn’t, either. If nothing else, I was hoping I could keep this
friend with benefits
for many years to come.
Just after sunset, we walked along a small beach not too far from Kalani’s. Hand in hand, like two barefoot lovers. We circled back and put a towel down. The waves were dangerously close to approaching our towel, but we didn’t care.
We sat down for a moment, but the passion took us both. Kalani ran his fingers through my windswept hair, then rested his hand behind my head as he laid me down once again. His hands explored my body. This time, I let Kalani drive. I had surpassed my lifetime orgasm record for a twenty-four hour period.
It was Saturday morning, and my flight was at 11:45 in the morning. I hated to leave, but reality was calling. I wanted to stay a week or two longer, but I knew I had to go home at some point and settle all the shit with Richard. I wanted it over sooner than later. I hoped I wouldn’t have to see Richard at all through the divorce process. It should be pretty simple since we don’t have kids. I decided money wasn’t worth the grief, so I wouldn’t fight him for the house. He could have it if he wanted it. It didn’t matter to me. I had some savings in my name only, and a little bit of an inheritance from my parents locked up in an IRA. I’d be fine.
I checked out of my hotel, and Kalani picked me up in the white van at about 8. We had breakfast at a small restaurant at the airport overlooking an outside garden.
“So, you’re going to be gone for a while,” said Kalani sadly. “I wish you could stay.”
“Not too long. I’ve got to bury Olivia. Take care of the loose ends. But I’ll definitely be back, sooner than later.” I ran my fingers through his dark and wavy hair. “I might come back for good. We’ll see how things go. You might be stuck with me.”
Kalani smiled. “You would love it here. Well, maybe not Oahu. I was thinking about moving to Molokai, or maybe Maui. A little less busy. You should come back soon. I’d like to spend some more time with you. Show you around some of the other islands.”
I don’t know what I was hoping for, but I hated the fact that he was so non-committal. By now, I expected it. Fortunately, for my ego, I didn’t feel at all like he was blowing me off. “That’s sweet,” I said. “I’ll be back as soon as I can. I’ve got a bunch of patients who need me. I can’t really be away from them for too long. Honestly, I’m not sure how much longer I want to be an oncologist. It’s interesting from a science perspective, but incredibly depressing from the people side. So much bad news. So much death. So many people who don’t want to find a cure. It’s depressing.”
“That’s why they need a Life Saver!” he said as pontificated, playfully raising his hands in the air.
I laughed. “Listen, Kalani, about the other night…” He stopped me. “No worries. I didn’t get in to anything I wasn’t completely willing to do. Richard is a foolish man, letting you go. You are the entire package! Some man is going to sweep you off your feet and realize how incredible you are. Man, if I were in a different place…” Kalani stopped.
“Where are you, Kalani?” I couldn’t understand his hesitation. We clicked so perfectly, on so many levels. I needed to know why I wasn’t good enough. “Can you tell me what is it that’s causing your hesitation? Is it something about me? Am I too old? Are you intimidated because I’m a doctor? Is it because I’m not Hawaiian?”
Kalani grabbed my hand again. I absolutely loved when he did that. It was so comforting, so reassuring. I didn’t need to hear anything else. But he continued. “No, Liv, it’s nothing like that. It’s just… I know in my heart I can’t commit right now. I can tell you that every part of my mind and my body is telling me I’m a fool to let you leave, but it’s the way it has to be right now. Someday you will understand.”
I wanted to understand now, but I figured I’d dig a little more when I came back. After all, I had my own demons to deal with. I kissed him on the cheek and thanked him for everything. I told him I had an amazing time. I told him I think he had saved my life. He hugged me stronger than anyone had ever hugged me before. I could have stayed in that embrace forever. But it was time to go. We both knew I had to finish off my past before I could begin my future.
Kalani reached around to his back pocket. “Oh, I forgot. I’ve got something for you.” He pulled out a small jewelry box and handed it to me. “Sorry, I didn’t have time to wrap it. Victoria made this.”
I smiled. I wondered what she had done with my old rings. I opened the box, and inside there was a gorgeous heart-shaped pendant with my diamonds attractively mounted on the front, suspended on a thin gold chain. “Look on the back,” Kalani said. On the back of the pendant, there was a hand written etching. It said “TAKE IT BACK.”
Take it back. Take it all back. The restaurants, the songs, the people, places, things… everything I ever shared with Richard was now going to be all mine. I loved it. I loved that Kalani taught me how important it was to relinquish all attachments to everything that had anything to do with a failed relationship. To this day, that was the most important lesson of my entire life. I thanked Kalani, hugged him, and kissed him on the lips. I turned away and walked through security. I couldn’t look back. I feared I might never leave.
As I sat waiting for my plane to get ready, I thought about how healing this trip was. I was amazed at all the things I learned about myself. How my self-esteem had gone from subterranean to the mountaintops. I felt beautiful again. I felt alive for the first time in years.
I finally boarded my plane. I looked back, hoping Kalani would be standing somewhere where I could see him. But I didn’t. I was sad. I found out later Kalani sat in the parking lot for hours after I left. It was nice to know he didn’t want me to leave.