Fallen Angel (The List #3) (7 page)

Devon. I won’t be able to compete now but I can
still attend and co-ordinate.

Once 24/7 was sorted, I logged onto both of my
laptops and submerged myself seamlessly into the hacker’s world of code. It’s
always been one of my favourite places to be, surrounded by the ones and zeros.
A home from home.

Job complete, I took a slow walk downstairs and
ventured as far as the pool before Jack called me back to the house. He needed
to leave. I took a shower downstairs as best I could, then Jack changed all the
dressing and left shortly afterwards.

I felt better being back on my feet, albeit a
half-assed attempt at it. It’s only been a few days but being immobile is so
far out of my comfort zone. Looking out over the fields triggered a call to Paul,
a lad from a local farm. He and his mate Matt, who lives at another farm
nearby, do odd jobs for me when I need spare hands. I arranged for them to
bring a tractor to cut back the fields and hedges to make it more presentable.
It’s a job I usually enjoy doing myself but it makes sense to get the lads to
sort it next week, otherwise it’ll be overgrown by the time I can get around to
it.

My finance guy sent a message, giving me the
nod that all went through smoothly.

8:12pm

Well, I got everything done today and I’ve just
been rewarded in the most unpredictable way. Beth is on her way over and not
just to visit, she’s going to stay the night too. Apparently, although Willow’s
not been back long, they came to a mutual agreement that they’d both stay out
tonight.

You’re getting attached Jax.
No, that’s wrong. I’m
already attached. It’s pointless denying it any more so I’m not even going to
pretend otherwise.

Beth arrives shortly afterwards and we settle
down on the sofa. She brought snacks and a movie. When the opening title lights
up the large plasma screen hanging on the chimney breast, she can’t wipe the
grin off her face even though she doesn’t look at me. It’s
Gladiator.

“Have you seen it?”

Taking a handful of sweet popcorn from the bucket
on the table, she pops some in her mouth.

“Yes but not for a while so I’d say it’s
another excellent choice, Beth.”

Her last movie choice was
Pineapple Express
and it was a great night. Admittedly, that was mostly down to snacking on her sweet
pussy, not popcorn.

“Glad you think so, it’s become a favourite of
mine lately.”

Unfortunately, I’ve no choice but to sit
upright on my large sofa, somewhat limiting me. Beth can’t seem to get
comfortable and fidgets every five minutes readjusting her position. Halfway
through the movie, she tucks her feet up underneath her. I put a small cushion
on my lap and gesture for her to lie down.

Once she’s laying with her head on my lap, I
have perfect access to brush her soft long hair back off her shoulders and
stroke her smooth neck. I smooth my hand up and down her spine hypnotically.
It’s not even sexual—it could easily become sexual in a heartbeat—but I marvel
at how satisfying it is to simply be in her company.

To feel her beneath my touch. Having her near
me makes me breathe easy, knowing she’s safe—even though she’s not mine. I drag
my fingers along her thigh, up over the curve of her hip, appreciating the dips
and peaks of her beautiful body at every angle.

“Mmm… Stop. You’re distracting me from
Russell.”

I curl my hand around her hip and let it come
to rest on her slender waist, gliding my fingers to rest just beneath the
waistband of her skinny bootcut trousers where her blouse is tucked in.

“Here’s me thinking I was the only gladiator in
your life.”

I see her cheeks rise so I know she’s smiling
but she doesn’t respond. She takes my hand and instead of holding it, she moves
it back behind her, indicating for me to ignore her request to stop.

For the rest of the movie she doesn’t fidget
once. Content under my caress, where she belongs. I stare at the screen trying
to pay attention but my head’s elsewhere. The resounding acknowledgement being
that this—Beth and I, relaxing in my home—feels right, it’s what I want. I
can’t explain it but with Bethany I’m able to switch off from everything else.
She makes it okay to block out the world and focus on the moment.

I’ve spent my entire life distracting myself with
surpassing my goals, that I’ve ignorantly sacrificed the journey. Just like how
Beth summarised her last relationship, saying she was so determined to achieve
her ‘happily ever after’ that she didn’t realise all the sacrifices she’d made
along with way.

I’ve never wanted, and therefore never deserved,
to be in a loving relationship with somebody. I wrote that idea off from the
get go and have never looked back... Until now, with my sweet B.

Being so adamant that relationships equal
complications, means I’ve never considered the possibility of finding somebody who
is the exception to the rule.

But I didn’t find her did I? She found me.
Without even knowing it, she crept effortlessly under my skin from day one and
she’s been a part of me ever since.

Reflecting back, I can still see the pain in
her eyes when she was working her magic, patching me up. It’s gut wrenching to
know I was responsible for it. The worst moment by far being when she stood
between my knees, cleaning the blood off my face; I watched as her eyes first
glazed over as though she was daydreaming, like her mind wasn’t in the room any
more. Then she cried painfully silent tears, her chin quivered whilst she
pursed her pouty lips together, fighting it back, regaining her composure. Each
tear that fell was like a punch to my heart;
Selfish bastard. Heartless
prick. Let her go. You did this.

As strong and true as those accusations were,
the compelling urge to have her in my life is even stronger.

What happened that night has planted a seed of
doubt in my mind for the first time and I know that it’s solely down to Beth’s
influence, the affect she has on me. Is there a way that I can have Beth in my
life, existing side by side with my other world? Do I have to let her go or is
there another way? I already went over and over this in my mind last night—so I
already have my answers.

I told her that I wanted to try and open up
more to her because I know she wholeheartedly trusts me, as I do her. She
deserves so much more. So the very least I can do is to be better to her, for
her. No matter how long we are a ‘
we’
, I owe her to push my own
boundaries and get out of this crippling comfort zone.

The credits are rolling on the screen. I’m
still stroking my fingers lazily up and down her back, hypnotising us both into
utter relaxation. Now is as good a time as any to start as I mean to progress.

“Beth, you know yesterday you said that we can
pick up where we left off?” She nods and I carry on stroking her back. “I don’t
think we can.”

I feel her back muscles stiffen beneath her
blouse and she slowly turns her head to face me.

“Go on.”

“
When so much happens in such quick
succession,
over
a short space of time,
it seems to blend into one and
you forget where one emotion ends and a new one begins.
When I came to 24/7
last week, I told you that you make me want to try and find the words, to open
up and talk to you. I stand by what I said. I know I don’t make it easy, that
I’m closed off from emotions and I don’t talk about my feelings—”

“Jax, you’re wrong. You may think you’re that
way but I disagree. In the time I’ve known you, I’ve learned that words aren’t
always necessary. Well, not with us anyway. The only time it’s confusing is
when we make it that way.” She clears her throat before continuing. “Remember
that night in the kitchen when you spoke about mixed messages? Telling me that
my body contradicted what I’d tell you, feeding you mixed messages. Lately,
call it Karma if you like, but I find our roles have reversed and being on the
receiving end of that is confusing as hell.”

“What, I’m confusing you?”

Beth sits up and swivels to face me.

“Yes. You’ve never been one to shy away from
your attitude towards relationships and getting close to people. I know you
prefer to keep people at arm’s length but it doesn’t feel like that applies to
me anymore. That might just be wishful thinking though.”

I run my thumb over the softness of her bottom
lip as she speaks my mind for me.

“No. I think you may be right.”

“Well, I was thinking last night about what you
said yesterday. You told me that you can’t offer me any more than friendship
but what you fail to realise is that whether or not you like it, you already give
me so much more than that.”

“Beth, I know what you’re saying but that
doesn’t mean we can be anything more than friends in the end.”

“And that’s where I always hit a brick wall
Jax.” Beth tucks her knees underneath her and picks up the cushion from my lap,
cuddling it as she speaks. “I’m overwhelmed by all the craziness sometimes—but
eventually I’m always able to strip that away, leaving just you and me and I
don’t understand why you have to stamp a big fat end date on us. Before now,
I’ve stopped myself from speaking about it in case you thought I was getting
clingy, too afraid that I’d push you away. Remember, I didn’t want to be
that
girl. But now, I feel like whatever this is between us, deserves
recognition.”

She takes hold of my hand and looks at me so I
know she’s not withdrawing and she continues.

“So now it’s my turn to tell you… You say that
we’re friends and we can never be more but your body tells me I’m already more to
you than that.” An uneasy feeling is building up inside, sensing I’m losing
control of the conversation. I was planning on pushing myself outside my
comfort zone but it seems my insightful Little Miss Contradiction would prefer
to drag me out instead. “Our physical attraction is obvious but—”

Her momentum falters as I hear the whisper of emotion
creeping into her words.

“But what?”

Knotting our fingers together, she stares at
our hands.

“—but
this
, what we’ve found, it’s more
than that. When our eyes lock—” She looks up at me again. “—they say so much
more than either of us ever manage to articulate. Without saying it, we both
already know how much we care about each other. So why are we overcomplicating
this?”

“Of course I care about you. This was never
meant to get complicated, remember? It was supposed to be a simple ‘no strings’
arrangement. Maybe I shouldn’t have invited you to stay, because then perhaps
we wouldn’t have gotten so close. Or maybe, it was inevitable. That’s how it
seems sometimes—between us—like it’s already been mapped out somehow.”

Beth smiles and I can tell by her face, that
she knows exactly what I mean.

“Jax, all I want right now is for you to remove
the imaginary barrier you’ve clamped down on us. You stripped away the barrier
I put up at the start, didn’t you? Remember, you said it was ‘psychological’
when I was worried I was so inexperienced that you’d completely annihilate me.”
She smiles, shaking her head at the memory. God, that seems like an age ago
now. “Well, we
soon overcame that, which was stopping us from being together, so why can’t we
do that with yours?”

Hearing
her take the reins in this conversation is evidence enough as to how far we’ve
come. Plus she hasn’t hesitated or got flustered once. She’s confident and
determined. I brush her loose hair behind her ears and take hold of her beautiful
face.

“We can.”

“
What
?”

“I said
we—”

My ‘can’ gets
efficiently swallowed by her incredible mouth. We kiss at a slow and meaningful
pace. Christ, I will never tire of her mouth on me. She tastes of the fresh
orange juice that she’s been sipping this evening. As much as this girl turns
me on, I don’t feel the urge to run my hands and mouth all over her body—okay
so
now
I do—but this kiss tells me everything I need to know and
reassures me that whatever the fuck just happened, is the right decision.