Existing (24 page)

She narrows her eyes suspiciously at me.
“And what makes you think that we don’t already have plans to go the park ourselves?”

I grin at her. “
Judging by the way you’re dressed, I was figuring that you’d be trekking to Antarctica or something.”

“Funny,” she sighs. “Seriously, what are you doing here?”

“Like I said, we’re going to the park and I wondered if you wanted to join us.”

“Really?” she asks, not sounded convinced at all.

I nod. “It was just a random thought, that’s all. I was walking past your street and you popped into my head,” I say, trying to explain.

“I don’t believe you,”
she says with her hands on her hips.

I shrug at her. “I don’t really care if you believe me or not.
So...are you coming the park with us or not?”

She looks down at Ava
, who quickly nods while still staring at Seb.

“Fine,”
she says, dragging Ava out of the house. “Do you have a ball?”

I point to my backpack and nod. “
I’ve got loads of stuff to keep us busy.”

“Great,”
she huffs, “can’t wait.”

I chuckle at her sarcasm and
walk down her drive. “Come on then, girls.”

They catch
up to us, walking a few steps behind as we head out onto the beach road. When their house has disappeared out of view, I hear Ava asking Rose if she can walk with Sebastian. Seb stops and blinks up at me. I can’t tell if he wants to or not, but I want to walk with Rose so he’s going to have to lump it. “You’ll walk with Ava, won’t you, Seb?” I ask.

Sebastian
nods his head like a little puppy and grins at Ava as she runs up next to him. I stand still and wait for Rose to catch up with me and then fall into step beside her.

“They’re cute,
” I say.

“H
mm?”

“Come on
, Rose, spit it out,” I say. I can tell she’s annoyed with me because she hasn’t stopped frowning at me the whole time.

“What?”

“Whatever it is that you want to say.”

“Okay,” she says, “
how did you know where I live?”

I can’t help but laugh.
“Are you worried I’m stalking you?”

She shakes her head. “No, just curious, I guess.”

“It’s a secret,” I tell her. “But I’m definitely not stalking you.”

She frowns at me, but I can tell she’s trying not to smile. “You’re still annoying,
” she tells me.

I nudge her shoulder with my arm.
“You’re still an idiot.”

It’s only a five minute walk to the park from my h
ouse, and after we’ve been politely talking the whole way, I hear him breathe in deeply. I hold my own breath because I know what’s coming.

He pushes open the small gate that leads to the swings and the slides
, gesturing for me to sit on a wooden bench with him. We sit and watch Ava and Sebastian as they tear around the playground, laughing and playing as they whiz past the other children.

I sit still, waiting for his questions about the bruises on my face
, but they don’t come. It can only be twenty minutes later when Sebastian and Ava skid to a stop at our feet. Cabe was in the middle of telling me what other subjects he takes at school and ruffles Seb’s hair with his hand.

“
S’up squirt?” Cabe asks Sebastian.

“Can we go and play soccer now please?”
he asks.

Cabe shrugs and stands up. “Course we can
play football, if the girls think they’re ready for us.”

“
It’s soccer,” groans Sebastian.

Up until this moment
, I hadn’t realized that Seb wasn’t English. If Cabe is telling people he’s from England and this is his brother, then why do they have different accents?

I take Cabe’s hand as he pulls me to standing. “We’re more than ready for you,” I say
, looking into his eyes that suddenly seem to only be a few centimeters away from mine.

Everything
goes quiet. The noise coming from the children on the swings suddenly stops. Ava and Sebastian disappear. Even the wind seems to have stopped. All that I can hear is his quick breathing and my own, which is moving around my lungs so quickly my chest can’t seem to keep up with it.

“Are you
, Rose?” he whispers.

I swallow. “Am I what
, Cabe?”

He grins and moves even closer toward me. Our noses are almost touching. I watch his eyes move down to my lips and I swear my knees almost give up on me. “Are you ready for me?”

I stare at his pale pink lips before looking back up to his murky grey eyes and smile. Before I can answer, I feel a tugging on the bottom of my coat.

“Rose!” says
Ava, tugging even harder. “Come on, Rose, let’s go play soccer.”

I look up at Cabe
, who has turned around to pick up his backpack, and realize I never gave him an answer. In a way I’m grateful for Ava and her interruption. How am I supposed to tell him that I like him more than any boy I have ever met before, but I can’t go there with him?

I remove another layer of clothing and catch Cabe grinning at me. “I didn’t think I’d be asked to run around like a headless chicken today,” I huff as I wander back toward them. “I thought it was going to be a simple kick in the park.”

Cabe laughs. “This is what a simple kick in the park is like.”

“No way,” I say, shaking my head. “This is a real workout.”

“I thought you were fit,” he teases.

I roll my eyes and kick the ball as hard as I can so it rolls far away, giving me a chance to have a rest while they fetch it.

“So, how come you’re looking after your brother today?”
I ask.

He stops and puts his hand on his hips. His jeans hang low on his hips and every time he reaches up or tries to catch a ball from flying over his head
after Seb kicks it too hard, I catch a glimpse of his washboard abs. He sucks in a breath.

“I’m looking after him because I
want
to. Not because I
have
to. I’m not a free babysitter.” I recoil at the venom of his words. “Sorry,” he says, “that came out wrong.”

I stare at him
, stunned into silence.

“Look, I know there’s something not quite right at home, and
the fact that you won’t tell me confirms that even more,” he continues.

So this is why he’s aske
d me to come to the park with him today. It’s not because he likes me. It’s because he’s nosy and wants to get in my business. I ignore him and storm over toward our coats and hats and everything else that we’ve dumped on the ground to make goal posts.

“What are you doing
, Rose?” Cabe asks.

“We’re leaving.”

“Why?”

“I’m cold,” I say.

Cabe shakes his head and walks over to me. “You’re not cold. Your face is red.”

I shake my head. “
Ava!” I call.

“Speaking of your face,” he says
, not so casually, “what happened to it this time?”

I look over him to see
Ava running circles around Sebastian and click my tongue. Cabe stands there looking at me, waiting for an answer. “The shower leaks,” I say quickly. “I got out of the shower and slipped onto the bathtub.”

He narrows his eyes. “What about your back?”

I shake my head and pick Ava’s clothes up. “It’s none of your business, Cabe. Drop it.”

I make to walk past him
, but he grabs the arm that Hallie grabbed yesterday morning. I wince and try to pull my arm away. He glares into my eyes and pushes my sleeve up. I watch his eyes widen as they take in the red finger prints on my wrist.

His eyes flash up to mine. “Rose,” he begins.

“Don’t, Cabe,” I interrupt. “Please don’t.” I snatch my arm away and roll my sleeve back down.

“I’m asking because I care
, Rose.”

I shake my head. “I never asked you to care.”

“Who is it?” he asks. “Who is hurting you like this? Is it your Dad?”

I shake my head. “It’s nothing. Just forget it.”

“I can’t,” he whispers. “I can’t forget that someone is hurting you, Rose. It’s abuse. It’s illegal, and most of all, I hate the thought of you going through this and not being able to tell anyone.”

“I don’t need t
o tell anyone, because there’s
nothing
to tell.”

“That’s complete and utter bollocks,” he spits. “I’ve seen the black eyes, the scratches to your back, more black eyes
, and now there are actual fingerprints on your arm.”

I shrug. “I’m clumsy. I’ve already told you that.”

“The fingerprints?” he asks.

“I was falling down and someone grabbed me to stop me from falling.”

“Don’t do this, Rose,” he sighs. “Please.”

I blink at him. “Do what?”

“Don’t push me away.”

“I’m not. I’m annoyed with you for draggin
g me out here so you can be nosy.” I walk away from him feeling confused and vulnerable.

“Number four, North Laurel Street,” he calls to me.

I frown at him over my shoulder as I reach Ava and hold out her coat.

“What are we doing?”
she asks, looking upset.

“We’re going,” I say, “I’m cold.”

“I’m not,” she says, sounding desperate. “I don’t want to go. I want to stay!”

“Sorry,” I say
through gritted teeth. “We’ll come again another time.”

She huffs. “Can I at least go and say goodbye to Cabe
, please?”

I nod and take a step back. I watch her run up to him and hold her hands out wide at the side of her. Cabe smiles and leans down
, and to my utter surprise he picks her up and swings her around. I hear her laughing as he twirls her in the air before planting her down on her feet. I turn to Sebastian and smile feebly.

“It was nice meeting you,” I say.

He nods and kicks the grass. “Do you really have to go?”

“Yup,” I say.

“She’s alright for a girl,” he says with a roll of his eyes.

I smile and ruffle his hair under my hand like I do with
Ava. “Yeah, she is.”

Cabe comes walking toward
us with Ava chatting easily at his side. “That was my address by the way.”

I wrap
Ava’s scarf around her neck. “What?”

“Number four, North Laurel Street,” he says again.
“My address, Rose.”

“Why would I need your address?”

He shrugs. “You just might need it.”

I shake my head. “I doubt it.”

He leans in close to me and whispers, “You might need to escape one day.”

I moved around school in a daze today. I can’t stop thinking about my meeting with Charlotte’s Mom later and how
I hope she can help me. Thankfully, I’ve managed to avoid Cabe all day. I’m not sure why, but he wasn’t in my Anatomy class and we didn’t have any other classes together. I’m glad I haven’t had to speak to him because I’m still really annoyed with him about Saturday. I know he was saying those things because he cares, but I don’t want him to get involved. He can’t know. No one can know.

Ava
hasn’t noticed we’re walking a different way home or she’s chosen not to ask questions. I drag her over the concrete and up the drive to Charlotte’s house. Before I knock on the door, it opens wide in front of us. Ava and I blink in surprise.

Gina smiles at me and then frowns when she notices
Ava at my side.

“It’s my
half-sister, Ava,” I explain. “I had to pick her up from school.”

Gina nods and moves aside so we can enter.
Ava squeezes my hand gently as we follow Gina into the bare living room with pale walls.

“Would
you like some milk and cookies?” asks Gina. Ava starts to frown at the old-fashioned offer of a treat but remembers her manners.

“Yes
, please.”

I crouch down in front of
Ava when Gina leaves the room. “I just need to see this lady for a few minutes, Ava. I won’t be long. Can you just stay here and watch television or something?”

She nods.

Gina comes back in and switches the television on to a kid’s program. Ava immediately crosses her legs and becomes engrossed in some show where the boys and girls are investigating a light-house.

“Come on through
, Rose,” she says, wandering back into the kitchen.

I smile at
Ava and walk into the familiar room with wooden wall panels.

“So,” Gina says
, sitting down and lighting two incense sticks that lean on a glass tray on the table in front of me. “Just so we’re clear, you’re not to tell Charlotte about any of this. I can help you, but I need you to help me too.”

I can feel my hands trembling so I
fold them onto my lap and try to concentrate on Gina’s eyes. “Okay.”

She waves away the smoke that’s wafting up to her nose and stares at something at the side of me.

“Do you know who this ghost is?”

I shake my head.

“Have you seen any ghost other than this one?” she asks.

“No,” I say in a whisper.

Gina closes her eyes and nods. “I know who your ghost is, Roisin. I used to be best friends with her when I was little.”

I can feel my face creasing into a frown. Why would someone that Gina used to know haunt me?

“Her name is Nola,” she tells me.

I feel my eyes instantly widen in my sockets. “Nola?” I
ask in disbelief. “My Mother?”

Gina nods. “I used to live next door to her when I was younger.”

“You used to live in Utah?”

“Yes.”

A thousand questions rush into my mind. If this woman knows my Mother, she might be able to tell me things about her. No one has ever sat down and told me what my Mother was like. “Why has my Mother been haunting me? Why can’t I see her face?”

Gina opens her eyes slowly and looks at me. “I will tell you as much as I can about the Nola I used to know
, but it’s only the Nola now that can tell you why she’s with you.”

I feel myself gulp and nod. “Okay.”

She rests her arms, palms turned out onto the table. “Place your hands in mine. I can only communicate for you if I’m touching you.”

“Is she here now?” I ask as I do what I’ve been told
.

“Yes.”

I look around but can’t see her.

“Don’t worry,” she says, “
she’s saving all of her strength so she can talk.”

I feel a warmth surge into my fingers and up my arms. I gasp and my instant reaction is to pull
my hands away but Gina grips me tight. “Hold on, child.”

I grit my teeth and lower my head as the burning continues up my body and into my chest.

“There,” says Gina, leaning back in her chair with a smile. “Nola, you have the floor.”

My eyes dart around the room but I can’t see her.

“Roisin,” I hear someone say in a musical voice. “Can you hear me?”

I nod with wide eyes.

“It’s Mom,” the ghost says gently. I feel tears wobble in my eyes.

“Mom?”
I repeat. “Is that really you?”

“Yes,” she says. “Roisin
, I’m so proud of you, so unbelievably proud. You have grown up into a beautiful young woman.”

I swallow to try and dislodge the lump that has formed in my thr
oat and smile. “Mom,” I stammer, “why are you here?”

I glance at Gina
, who is sitting with her head slumped forward. I wiggle my fingers but she grips my hands even tighter and shakes her head.

“I don’t have much time
, Roisin. I’m so sorry, but I’ve never done this before.”

I nod as a tear drops heavily down my cheek.

“I used to keep a diary. I need you to find it for me. I hid it in the bed. Your Father changed the mattress, but the frame is still the same.”

“Diary?”
I whisper. “You want me to find your diary?”

“Yes,” she says, “we need to be quick
, Roisin. Put your hand under the bed and you will feel where the fabric is loose. I hid my diary in there. It will give you the answers to some of your questions.”

“Questions?”

“I can’t explain, darling. I have to go.”

“No!” I rush. “Mom, please don’t go.”

“I’m so sorry, Roisin. I wish I could tell you more, but I can’t. I’m sorry if I’ve ever scared you, and I’m sorry for all the things you’ve been through in your life because I’ve stayed here with you. I love you.”

“Mom!”
I sob. “Don’t go. Please.”

The heat drains from my arms and
leaves my fingers tingling. “I love you,” I sob, as I fold my arms and rest my head on them. I cry and feel my whole body shaking for what feels like an hour before Gina places her hand on my back.

“She’s never done it before
, Rose. It takes a lot of their energy to do that. Don’t be surprised if you don’t see her for a few weeks. “

I sniff and look up at Gina
, who has lit a cigarette.

“Why has
she been haunting me all this time?”

Gina inhales deeply and flicks some ash over the top of the in
cense sticks. “She obviously has something she needed you to know and by the sounds of it, it’s in her diary.”

I wipe my face with my sleeve and pull my purse out. “Thank you
, Gina,” I say.

She waves her hand. “I don’t want your money
, Rose. It was a pleasure to help you. Your Mother is very worried about something and clearly has unfinished business. This is why she hasn’t yet passed to the other side.”

“I don’t know what it could be
.”

“What do you know about her death?”
she asks, looking at me carefully.

I shake my head. “Not much. She was depressed after having me and she committed suicide.” I break
down at that point and sob uncontrollably until Gina tells me it wasn’t my fault, and that I have to go because Charlotte is due back soon.

I stand from my seat and wipe my face. “I’m sorry I’ve cried. Can I come back another day and ask you some things about my Mom?”

Gina hesitates. “Sure, but just remember our deal.”

I nod. “I won’t mention a word of it to Charlotte.”

“Your Mother wants you to find that diary, Rose. Are you going to look for it?”

I nod
, trying to figure out how I’m going to be able to look under my Father’s and Hallie’s bed. “Sure. I need to help her, right?”

“Yes,” she nods, “I think so.”

I walk back into the living room and smile at Ava, who doesn’t look to have moved in the last forty minutes since I left her.

“Ready
, titch?” I say, hoping I don’t sound depressed.

Ava
turns slowly and nods at me.

“Thank you
, Gina,” I say as we walk toward the door. 

“You’re welcome
, Rose. See you soon.”

I open the door and fasten
Ava’s coat up when I feel the early evening winds whip around my face. “Say goodbye to Gina.”

Ava
turns and waves her little hand. “Thank you for my cookies and milk, Gina. Bye.”

Gina smiles warmly and waves to us as w
e make our way down her front path.

“Who was that lady?”
Ava asks, as I close the small, white picket gate at the end of the path.

“It’s my friend
’s Mommy.”

“Why did we have to come here?”

I grasp her hand when her warm fingers grab onto mine. “Because we’re trying to organize a surprise birthday party for my friend.”

“That’s nice. Can I have a surprise party for my birthday?”

I smile, despite the cold, hard lump I can feel in my chest. “It wouldn’t be a surprise if I told you about it though, would it?”

“Guess not.”

We walk quickly the rest of the way home. The temperature seems to have dropped, making the end of my nose tingle. My mind is whirling with thoughts of my Mother and what just happened. I have no idea what could be in this diary, and I’m still reeling from the knowledge that the ghost is my Mother. Just knowing it’s her feels like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I no longer feel scared. I no longer feel like I have to hide it all the time.

I’m exhausted. I’m more tire
d now than I was after my forty-one hour labor with Roisin. Every ounce of energy or whatever it is that I use to exist in this way has been drained from me. I’m annoyed that I didn’t have much time, but I’m so happy that I got to hear her voice properly. Usually the sounds I hear are muffled. They don’t seem to penetrate into my world as easily as they used to. Her voice was beautiful, magical, and enticing all at the same time. She’s so brave and courageous that I’m in awe of her at this moment. I’m not sure I could have handled that when I was her age.

I
managed to make it back to the house, but it was over an hour after Roisin and Ava. At times, it felt like I was dragging my legs behind me but I made it. I collapsed in the hallway at the bottom of the stairs and have stayed here for the last two hours. I’ve caught fleeting glances of Roisin as she’s moved through the house, cleaning up and cooking dinner for Ava and herself. She’s like a Mother with the things she has to do and it pains me to see her being forced to grow up well before her time.

I know I need to go back to Gina and thank her properly
, but I’m not sure when I will have the energy to do that. It doesn’t matter anyway because I now know that Gina will be waiting for me.

I hear Roisin telling
Ava that she has to go upstairs to check for something, and then she’s running past me and up the stairs. I shuffle onto my feet but collapse almost immediately. I sigh and lean my head back against the wall, listening to her moving around their bedroom. I hear the wheels of the bed being moved and a thump on the floor, which makes me think she’s kneeling down. The front door opens and a few leaves blow in with the breeze, followed by Hallie. Oh God, Roisin is upstairs.

“Shit,” I mumble.

I grit my teeth and start to crawl up the stairs. I can feel Hallie standing behind me, listening to the movements she can hear around the house. Ava starts to sing in the kitchen to herself, but Hallie ignores her and heads up the stairs.

“No!” I cry. I drag myself up the stairs behind her
, ignoring the fact that I feel like I’m dying all over again.

Hallie is walking sl
owly but it’s not slow enough. She’s getting away from me. She’s closing in on Roisin.

“Roisin,” I call. “Get out!”

Hallie reaches the top of the stairs and I use everything I have to push myself up the remaining ones. I don’t think I breathe normally anyway, but something has stopped working inside of me. I can’t move my arms or my legs. I crumple to the ground and have to watch as Hallie creeps toward her bedroom. I watch her stand still for a few seconds before she pushes the door open. I close my eyes and brace myself for what I’m no doubt about to see.

“Oh
, hi Hallie,” says Roisin cheerily. I see her step out of their bedroom quickly and blow a quick sigh of relief as she walks toward me.

Hallie quickly looks into her bedroom with her hands on her hips.
“What were you doing in my room?”