Emotional Intelligence 2.0 (15 page)
Read Emotional Intelligence 2.0 Online
Authors: Travis Bradberry,Jean Greaves,Patrick Lencioni
Since we see ourselves through our own rose-colored glasses, chances are we’re seeing only part of the picture. If you had the opportunity, would you be willing to see yourself through the eyes of those who know you best? Looking outward and seeking this feedback are key to social awareness, because this gives us the chance to see how others view us—to see the whole picture.
Taking advantage of this opportunity requires
courage and strength
to invite your fans, as well as your critics, to get down to the nitty-gritty and honestly share their perceptions of you. What if they’re wrong? What if they’re harsh? What if they’re right?
courage and strength
to invite your fans, as well as your critics, to get down to the nitty-gritty and honestly share their perceptions of you. What if they’re wrong? What if they’re harsh? What if they’re right?
Regardless of the answers, their perceptions matter because others’ opinions of you influence you and your life. For example, if people think you are passive in meetings when you simply need time to think before speaking, their perceptions begin to shape what opportunities are offered to you. Soon your boss is passing you over for chairing a committee because you are perceived as passive instead of thoughtful.
The best method for seeing how others perceive you is simple and powerful. For matters of EQ, you can send a 360-degree survey that asks you and other people questions about your self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, and relationship management skills. The result is a complete picture of your own and others’ perceptions. Believe it or not, what others say about you is usually more accurate than what you think about yourself. Nonetheless, whatever these perceptions are, becoming aware is important so you know how they will shape you.
Muster some of that strength and gather other people to help you out in understanding yourself a bit more through their eyes. Other than becoming a fly on the wall or videotaping yourself, this is what it takes to see yourself in action through the eyes of others.
Once you’ve mastered reading the cues and emotions of other people, you’re ready to read an entire room. It may sound daunting, but it’s what you’ve already learned about social awareness—just on a larger scale.
Emotions are contagious, meaning they spread from one or two people until there’s a palpable and collective mood that you will feel at some level.
Essentially, there are two ways to pick up the mood of an entire room. First, you can rely solely on your gut instincts. Emotions are contagious, meaning they spread from one or two people until there’s a palpable and collective mood that you will feel at some level. For example, imagine walking into a room of 125 entrepreneurs who are networking and sharing their ideas. It’s pretty likely that there would be excitement and positive energy there, and it wouldn’t take long to become aware of it. You’d hear their voice levels and tones, and see the focused and interested posture and body language. Now imagine walking into a room of 125 people waiting to be chosen for jury duty. The room is quiet; people are trying to distract themselves with reading material, music, and anything else to pass the time. Even though it’s our civic duty to attend, hardly anyone wants to be there. The two moods are like night and day.
Here’s how you can catch the mood of the room. When you enter the room, scan it and notice whether you feel and see energy or quiet, subdued calm. Take notice of how people are arranging themselves—alone or in groups. Are they talking and moving their hands? Are some more animated than others? What is your gut telling you about them?
Another way to read the mood of the room is to bring along a more experienced guide, much like you would on an African safari. Your guide should be a socially aware expert willing to show you the ropes when it comes to tapping into your instincts and picking up the room’s mood. Shadow your guide and listen to what he feels and sees. Ask what he senses and what clues gave the mood away. Eventually, you should be the one to take the lead. Size up the room and share and compare your thoughts with your guide. Through this exercise, you will soon pick up on observations like your guide does, in time doing so on your own.
Human nature and behavior may not be that far from what happens on the open African savannah. The sooner you can hone your ability to spot safety, concern, or shifts in moods in group settings, the more skilled you will be in maneuvering through the social wilds of your life.
8
RELATIONSHIP MANAGEMENT STRATEGIES
M
ost people have a spring in their step and put their best foot forward when they are in a new relationship (work or otherwise), but they stumble and lose their footing trying to maintain relationships over the long term. Reality soon sets in that the honeymoon phase is officially over.
ost people have a spring in their step and put their best foot forward when they are in a new relationship (work or otherwise), but they stumble and lose their footing trying to maintain relationships over the long term. Reality soon sets in that the honeymoon phase is officially over.
The truth is, all relationships take work, even the great ones that seem effortless. We’ve all heard this, but do we really
get
it?
get
it?
Working on a relationship takes time, effort, and know-how. The know-how is emotional intelligence. If you want a relationship that has staying power and grows over time, and in which your needs and the other person’s needs are satisfied, the final EQ skill—relationship management—is just what the doctor ordered.
Thankfully, these relationship management skills can be learned, and they tap into the three other EQ skills that you’re familiar with—self-awareness, self-management, and social awareness. You use your self-awareness skills to notice your feelings and judge if your needs are being satisfied. You use your self-management skills to express your feelings and act accordingly to benefit the connection. Finally, you use your social awareness skills to better understand the other person’s needs and feelings.
In the end, no man is an island; relationships are an essential and fulfilling part of life. Since you are half of any relationship, you have half of the responsibility of deepening these connections. The following 17 strategies will help you work on what’s critical to making relationships work.
We can imagine a few readers thinking, “Oh brother, I have to be open and curious with people at work? Can I just work on my projects and what I was hired to do, minus the touchy-feely stuff?” Actually, establishing, building, and maintaining relationships are all part of your job—even if you work with just one other person. Maintaining relationships may not be on your job description and may not have even been discussed, but for you to be successful, being open and curious is absolutely, unequivocally part of your job.
Let’s explore what “open” means in terms of relationship management. Being open means sharing information about yourself with others. You can use your self-management skills to choose how open you are and what you share, but know that there’s a benefit to opening up that may help you with your choices: when people know about you, there’s less room for them to misinterpret you. For example, if you are particularly sensitive about showing up five minutes early to meetings, and get annoyed when people stroll in at the very beginning of the meeting or even a little late, some people might interpret you as being uptight and rigid. If you shared with these same people that you were in the Marines for the first years of your career, your coworkers would understand and maybe even appreciate your sense of timing and courtesy. Who knows, your punctuality might even rub off!
Being an open book on your end isn’t the whole story with managing a relationship—you also need to be interested in the other person’s story as well. In other words, you need to be curious. The more you show interest in and learn about the other person, the better shot you have at meeting his or her needs and not misinterpreting them.
When you ask questions, draw from your social awareness skills to choose an appropriate setting and time. Be inquisitive in your tone—similar to how Santa Claus asks a child what he’d like for Christmas. The opposite tone is judgmental—think of someone who’s ever asked you a question like, “Why on earth did you buy a motorcycle?” or “You majored in philosophy? What did you plan to do with THAT?”
When you ask questions and this person opens up, you will not only learn information that will help you manage the relationship, but the other person will also appreciate the interest shown in him or her. If you are beginning a new relationship, in an established one, or even if you’re in a rough patch, take a few minutes out of your day to identify a few relationships that need some attention, and make time to be open and curious with these people.
Whether it’s putting your two cents in when others are talking to you or shying away from a disagreement, your natural communication style shapes your relationships. Now you have the opportunity to use your self-awareness, self-management, and social awareness skills to shape your natural style.
At the top of a page in a journal, describe what your natural style is. You can call it whatever you would like. Think about how your friends, family, and colleagues experience your style. Is it direct, indirect, comfortable, serious, entertaining, discreet, controlled, chatty, intense, curious, cool, intrusive? You name it because you’ve likely heard about it more than once.
On the left side of the paper, jot down the upsides of your natural style. These are the things people appreciate about how you interact with them. On the right side, list the downsides or things that have created confusion, weird reactions, or trouble.
Once your list is complete, choose three upsides that you can use more to improve your communication. Next, choose three downsides, and think about ways you can either eliminate, downplay, or improve them. Be honest with yourself about what you will or won’t do. If you need help figuring out what will give you the biggest results, just ask your friends, coworkers, and family for their suggestions. Making your plan public will also build in accountability that can help you make a lasting improvement in your relationships.
We all rely on stoplights to safely direct us through intersections dozens of times each week. When the stoplights aren’t working, and the lights either blink to proceed with caution or are out altogether, the intersection transforms into an every-man-for-himself situation. People are confused; and when it’s their turn to cross, they gingerly look all ways before moving ahead. With functioning stoplights, we have confidence in the system because it’s clear what we do—stop on red, and go on green. It’s the same for signals that we send to the people in our relationships.
Feelings express truth, and they have a way of rising to the surface through our reactions and body language, despite the words we choose. Telling your staff in a muted voice and frowning face that they did a great job on the product launch doesn’t match up; the words and the body language are mixed. People trust what they see over what they hear.
Even if you’re a good self-manager, your emotions rise to the surface. You experience many emotions every day, and your brain can’t sort through every single one. When you talk with someone, you may be saying one thing that’s on your mind as your body reacts to an emotion you experienced minutes ago.
You confuse and frustrate others when you say one thing and your body or tone say another. Over time, this confusion will cause communication issues that will affect your relationships. To resolve the mixed signal issue, use your self-awareness skills to identify your emotions, and use your self-management skills to decide which feelings to express and how to express them.
People trust what they see over what they hear.
Sometimes it might not be appropriate to match your signals. Let’s say you become angry in a meeting and can’t really show your emotion at that moment. Just put your anger on the back burner for the moment, but don’t disregard the feeling forever. Choose a time when you can express your anger: when it doesn’t work against you but instead produces the most positive results. If your emotion is strong enough and you can’t put off expressing it, your best bet is to explain what’s happening (i.e., “If I seem distracted, it’s because I can’t stop worrying about a phone call that went awry this morning”).
For the next month, pay close attention to matching your tone and body language to what you are really trying to say. Take mental note of those moments when you tell someone that you are feeling fine, but your body, tone, or demeanor is sending drastically different signals. When you catch yourself sending a mixed signal, readjust to match it or explain it.
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