Emily's Passion (6 page)

“Don’t touch me! Please, don’t touch me!” I cried out.

“Emily, tell me what I did,” he shouted at
me. “What did I do to turn you off so fast?”

I turned my back to him pulling my shirt tightly around my chest as if I were trying to hide. He stood behind me placing his hands on my shoulders and begged, “Talk to me, baby. Please, talk to me. I can’t fix what I don’t know is wrong.”

“Oh Alan, you can’t fix this. No one can fix this! You would do better if you just decided to forget this entire attraction thing,” I told him.

“I don’t accept that, Emily. Tell me what is wrong and at least give me a chance to try,” he pleaded.

Alan stayed on his feet looking at me for an explanation while I sat down on the rock he had previously sat on. I cleared my throat and began, “Seven years ago, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I went through surgery and all treatments only to have it come back a year and a half later in the other breast. I elected to have a double mastectomy without reconstructive surgery. I have no breasts, Alan, only scars across my chest. Only one man in my life has ever seen or felt my scars. And you are asking for us to have an intimate relationship while I open myself up to ridicule and painful humiliation.”

Alan started to reach for me but I thrust my arm out to stop him.
“No, Alan, you can talk to me from over there.”

“Okay,” he added as he stepped back. “I am sorry you went through all of that but I am extremely grateful you are alive to tell the tale. I am also hurt and angry that you think so little of me to think I would ridicule you or cause you any humiliation. You are
a survivor and a damn sexy one. You are a Warrior, Emily. You fought and you won. That only adds to how much I want you right now. I cannot imagine being turned off by your scars. Hell, I’ve got scars from my time in the Marines. My body is not young and buff anymore but I’m sure as hell not going to hide it away from others.”

I looked down at my hands as he spoke to me when suddenly he was on his knees in front of me.

“Look at me, little girl. Now!” he demanded. “You are sexy. The way you flirt, carry yourself, and damn, your eyes are so huge a man could get lost in them. You are beautiful. God Emily, you. are. so. fucking. beautiful. So what if you have scars instead of breasts. They don’t define you. They represent the strength that is inside that determined spirit of yours. And quite frankly, I find that incredibly arousing.”

Once again I looked at my hands as if to hide. Alan had had enough!

“Stop!” he shouted. “Hold your eyes and head up! Never look down or away for anyone. There is no shame in being proud of who you are and what you have been through. The only shame comes if we allow others who belittle, lie, or gossip about us to win. Karma is a lady who is always aware of the injustices of life and her payback is a Bitch, Emily. Don’t ever bow down to anyone because you think you are less than what you truly are. Don’t bow down to anyone who thinks they are better than you.”

I allowed him to take me into his arms and hold me. His arms felt so secure and warm; I didn’t want to let him go. I let him hold me for several minutes and then sat back to ask, “Where do we go from here?”

“You have to decide that. I can’t do it for you. I know what I want but this is your decision. I think instead of that picnic this evening, I should let you have the rest of the day to think about what you want and come to terms with it. Then tonight after dinner we’ll talk. Whatever you want is how things will be. I won’t fight you on it.”

“I think that sounds like a good idea,” I answered. “I need some time alone to think it all through. Can we skip dinner and just meet at eight?”

“That would be fine with me only let’s make it seven thirty. Do you want to meet in your cabin or in mine?” he asked.

“Let’s meet in your room. I’ll come over and we can talk,” I suggested.

We rode back to the cabins where he dropped me off at my door. We both agreed to meet again at seven thirty. I shuffled into my cabin and fell down on the bed. My emotions were being dragged in every direction. Tears began falling from my eyes. I cried tears for the memory of Doug and how much I missed his guidance and support. I cried for the man staying in the last cabin. How had he become so important to me in such a short amount of time?

“God, am I a whore?”
I shouted at the ceiling and then began to sob out of control. Alan had brought me back to the edge of living again. He had made me feel and want once again. At sixty-two years old I should be through with all the romance and sexual shit. However, he brought them out in me by simply being in the same room with me. His touch ignited fires in me that I thought were long dead. His lips, dear God, his lips made me melt into a small puddle at his feet. That voice could launch ships and made me want to do whatever he asked. I rolled over, buried my face in the comforter and sobbed uncontrollably.

Finally, I cried because I was indecisive and insecure about what I wanted. When had I let myself become such a whining woman? I was stronger than this. My mind was strong and I knew what I wanted out of life.

Sitting up, I wiped the tears from my face determined to shake off my confusion. One by one, I went back over everything that Alan had recited to me today. He made perfect sense to me when he made me see the truth behind his attraction to me. In my mind, I weighed the pros and cons of continuing to see him. One side far outweighed the other but how was I going to handle the information? Deep inside my heart I knew what I had to do and it would be one of the hardest things I had ever done.

I looked at the clock on the bedside table. It was three-thirty giving me four hours before I met with him. All my sappy crying had worn me out; I needed a nap. Setting the alarm for two hours would give me another two hours to shower and dress. Hopefully, I would be clear headed and ready to give him my decision. As my head hit the pillow, I wondered how Alan would react to my choice. Before I could even form an opinion, I fell asleep.

Chapter Eight

It didn’t take any time at all for me to fall into a deep sleep. I began to dream I was walking along the beach on the edge of the ocean. It was a beautiful sunny day and I felt happy for the first time in a very long time. Off in the distance a figure was walking towards me. I couldn’t make out who it was but I felt no fear as I hurried towards the person. The closer I got I could tell it was a man. My heart raced and tears filled my eyes when I realized it was Doug. Running as fast as I could in the sand, I threw myself into his arms laughing and sobbing at the same time.

Doug grabbed me in his arms and spun me around in the air holding me tight against his body.

“Oh Douglas, you feel so good. Please stay here with me and don’t go back,” I begged.

Doug set me on my feet in the sand with a
huge radiant smile on his face. He brushed my cheek with his fingers as if to comfort me. “My love, you know I can’t do that. I have to go but I came to talk to you seriously about your future. I want you to listen to me and do as I say, Emily,” he demanded. “You are stubborn and refuse to do what is best for you. You are holding on to the past and if you don’t let go, it will make you a miserable old woman.”

I looked into his eyes and saw how at peace he was now. His face showed such love but it was different somehow. Yes, he still loved me dearly, I thought, but there was a love for something so much greater than what we originally had. Part of me was hurt and scared but another part knew it was what should be.

Taking his fingers from my face, he placed his hands on my shoulders looking me in the eyes and pleaded, “Emily, it is time to let go of me. You have an opportunity facing you that will enable you to grow stronger and love deeper. But you can’t do it, baby, if you are still clinging to my memories. I don’t want you to wall your heart up away from everyone. That is not the kind of love we had. You will realize which choice is the right choice to make. I won’t be with you anymore and I want to know that you are not alone.”

I felt my eyes stinging with tears as I watched his face and body dissolve into thin air pleading for him not to go. The next thing I was aware of was a deep voice behind me saying, “Well, little girl, what’s it going to be?” I turned around to find myself staring up into amazing blue-gray eyes while Alan was stroking my arms. Looking down at me, he sternly voiced his concern, “I won’t be a rebound, Emily!”

“Rebound?” I questioned. “I’m too old to start playing games now, Sir!”

He drew me against his chest and whispered into my ear, “Then know this! What we start tonight won’t be a onetime affair. You’re in it until I decide differently!” A shudder ran through my body as his lips caressed my neck.

A loud buzzing woke me from my dream. My heart was pounding and sweat was pouring down my neck onto my chest as I slapped the alarm off. I immediately sat up, trying desperately to catch my breath. It was so real; I could still feel Alan’s lips and breath against my neck. I felt as if I had been running a marathon.

I wobbled into the bathroom and threw cold water onto my face. The dream had totally knocked me to my knees since I had finally stopped having dreams of Doug a few months ago. And Alan, oh my God, I could still feel his lips on me. His voice was commanding in that dream
and I wanted to hear more of it. I wanted him to take control of me emotionally and physically. There, I admitted it to myself finally! Doug had given his blessing even if it was just a dream. I knew it wasn’t real but in my mind I had finally let go of my memories of him. Never would I stop loving him but now it would no longer prevent me from loving again or feel guilty about desiring someone else.

I showered, dried my hair, and went to my closet to decide what to wear. Tonight would be strictly casual so my attire should match. I chose my jeans, a tank top with my chambray shirt over it, and flip flops. My reflection looked sloppy as I stationed myself in front of the mirror. At least I was comfortable. As nervous as I was, I could use every little bit of help available. My key was laying on the table so I grabbed it as I trotted out the door. It was seven-thirty; time to face my fears. The door closed behind me as I turned to walk to his cabin. My heart was in my throat as I lifted each step of my feet one by one pounding harder with each footfall I landed. When I reached the front door, I almost turned around to go back. Defeat wasn’t the answer! Only facing my fears would quiet my lack of emotional control.

I knocked on the door and waited breathless. I didn’t have to wait long because Alan was right there smiling down at me. He was wearing tight jeans with a black Sturgis t-shirt tucked into the waist. For once, he wasn’t wearing his biker boots but was barefooted. He winked at me as he caught me staring at his body and I blushed. When I strolled into his cabin the first thing I noticed was the many bouquets of flowers scattered around the room. Realizing they were roses with daisies, my eyes began to tear up as I beamed at him with a big smile.

“You remembered how much I love daisies,” I remarked.

Alan shrugged his shoulders and declared, “I wanted to make things as romantic as possible in this old cabin. I did a lot of thinking this afternoon after I dropped you off. I tried so hard to be gentle with you while encouraging you but when you kept lowering your eyes in defeat, it flew all over me. That is not the fighter I know you are. I also know I drove you too much but I just wanted you to open up to me.”

I went over and breathed in the fragrance of the roses. They smelled so good. “They are beautiful, Alan. Thank you for going to so much trouble. It’s really very sweet,” I grinned thanking him. My eyes moved to the table by the back door which remained open allowing a gentle breeze to blow into the room. The table was set with a table cloth, candles, a dinner for two, and a bottle of wine. Alan stood with his hands in his pockets as I crossed over to look closer at the table.

“You arranged all of this today?” I asked.

“Yes, after I left you at your cabin, I decided to make the evening special regardless of what your decision was. I called the restaurant, talked with the maître d’, and arranged for a quiet dinner. I ordered the house special for the evening which was pot roast brazed in a burgundy wine sauce, with new potatoes, baby carrots, and a small loaf of homemade bread. Dessert would be apple pie with ice cream and caramel sauce. They set up the table for me when they brought the food and wine. I hoped we would have a calm discussion but there is the sparkling wine to loosen the tension if it is needed. I had no idea how the evening would turn out but I prepared for the worst. And even if I ended up losing you tonight that didn’t mean I couldn’t make it special for you. I am afraid of losing you from my life but I will keep my word. I will not fight whatever your decision is,” he told me. 

I stroked my hand up his arm to reassure him of my feelings.

“Are you hungry? Here, sit,” he pointed to the chair as he dragged it out for me. “I thought we might as well enjoy a good meal and wine while we have our discussion.”

I sat and looked at the roast with the potatoes, carrots, and bread thinking I was going to end up throwing it all up with my nerves. There was so much food I would never be able to get it all down. He poured a glass of wine handing it to me and I quickly had the glass almost empty. Alan refilled it for me as I was gloriously already feeling that welcome buzz!

We were both picking at our food, not really tasting anything but the wine
, which was flowing freely. I finally leaned back against my chair and put my fork down.

“Well, I guess there is no ignoring why we are really here even though the atmosphere is amazing and beautiful,” I smiled at him. “I had a dream about Doug this afternoon
.”

Alan’s face fell and he closed his eyes for a brief moment trying to catch his breath. “Here it comes,” he whispered.

Even though I heard him, I continued, “I was on a beach and he was walking towards me. He was different; at peace with himself and the world.”

“Fuck! This isn’t how I planned tonight. Maybe we should stop, say good night, and leave it at that,” he offered.

Alan’s face was upset and disappointment clouded his eyes. I wondered why my dream would cause this reaction in him but I just continued to tell him the details. “He came to talk to me about letting go of the past and old memories. He told me he didn’t want me being alone for the rest of my life,” I told him as I got out of my chair. I sidled over to the door looking out at the night sky. “He gave me his blessing, Alan, to move on with my life.”

Alan listened to me intently at the same time his mouth curved into a smile.

“His face slowly faded in front of me and the next thing I heard was your voice behind me saying, “Well, little girl, what’s it going to be?” I narrated.

Alan got up from the table walking behind me placing his hands on my shoulders. “What is your decision? I can’t deal with being a rebound, baby.”

I slowly turned around and asked him, “What did you just say?”

Alan repeated, “I won’t be your rebound,” and then added, “If we start this tonight it won’t be just a one night thing, Emily
. It will be until we both decide it’s over and not before.”

I stood there blinking into his eyes shocked. “Oh Alan, I can’t believe this! You conveyed almost those exact same words to me in my dream!”

He arched an eyebrow and rubbed his thumb softly over my bottom lip. His eyes twinkled with mischief as he turned my body back to face the open door. Bending his head down close to my ear he whispered “Close your eyes, little girl!” 

“Alan, I thought you wanted my answer?” I argued.

“I already have your answer, baby. Now, close your eyes and give me control for a little while,” he demanded.

I closed my eyes as he ran his hands up and down my arms. His light touch thrilled my senses. I listened as his voice calmed me and his breathing became faster. “My eyes are closed as
well, little girl. I am going to use my fingers to touch and see your face, your body, and peer into your soul,” he teased. “You just tensed up on me, Emily! You need to trust me and let go of everything that is holding you back from me. I won’t do anything you don’t want me to do. I won’t go anywhere you don’t want me to go.”

A shiver ran through my upper body and Alan chuckled. “That’s right; feel me seeing into your soul
. Let my voice take you where you need to go and let my lips caress and taste you.”

A small moan escaped my throat as I fought to hold it back. I heard a deeper, gruffer moan reply to mine as he traced his lips over the nape of my neck while he brushed my hair to the side.

“Have I told you how much I love your hair? It’s long and feels like silk. The silver catches the light just right as if giving you a glow. I can’t wait to see it splayed across my chest.”                                                   

As he continued to lick and kiss the back of my neck, his hands and arms slowly came around to the front of my shirt slipping the shoulders down my arms. “Mmm, let me do this, baby
. Let me see your beautiful face and body. You know by now I would never hurt you. You’ve got to know you have me totally wrapped up in you!”

He slid my shirt off my arms past my hands and let it fall to the floor. His fingers trailed over my bare shoulders and arms all the while his lips nibbled my ear lobes.

I was leaning back against him breathing heavily as he ravaged my neck and shoulders. My moaning became more frequent and louder encouraging him to go further. He drew his fingers tracing over my forehead down to my eyes, nose, cheeks, and mouth.

“Your face is beautiful when I touch you…more so than when I just look at you. You shiver and moan when I touch every beautiful part of you. And my God, Emily, I can smell your desire for me
. Fuck, you smell so good! I bet you are wet, baby. I can’t wait to taste you,” he teased.

My knees almost gave out on me as Alan held me closer, wrapping his arms around my waist. “Have I made you hot?” he whispered by my ear. “Just so you know
, I am burning for you right now. Can you feel how hard I am for you?” pressing his rigid cock into my ass and grinding against it.