Elusive Love (21 page)

If I’d thought he was tense before, I was wrong. His body turned to stone before me, his arms still locked around me.

“Ethan?” I asked softly. When he didn’t speak, I said his name again, “Ethan?”

Nothing.

“I’m so sorry.”

Dread filled me as I took him in. His eyes were pointed upward at the ceiling, refusing to look at me.

“Ethan? Please forgive me. I’m so sorry. Don’t hate me.”

That seemed to pull him from his trance. “Hate you? I don’t hate you.”

“But you’re angry,” I said. “You’re like stone right now.”

He took a deep breath and pulled me closer. “It’s not because I hate you.”

“Then, what is it?” I asked.

“It’s taking everything in me not to take you back to my bedroom right now and strip you naked.”

My stomach churned with a sudden warmth that told me we were in a dangerous situation. His words alone had me yearning for something more. I couldn’t though.

Joey and I might be separated, but we were still married. I knew he was still trying to convince me to stay with him, but there was no doubt in my mind that I would resist his pleas.

So, where did that leave me? In the arms of a man I wanted, a man I wanted so desperately in this moment that I felt that I might combust, but I wasn’t sure I could have him.

“I want you, but I don’t want to cheat.” I sighed. “I don’t even know if it would be considered cheating. I’m sure Joey would think so.”

“Don’t bring him into this moment,” Ethan said. He released me and took a step back. “Fuck. Why did you have to say his name?”

“I’m sorry.” It seemed I’d kept saying that over and over.

“It’s not your fault.” He rubbed his eyes with one hand, as if trying to get rid of a headache. “None of this is your fault.”

He reached out and pulled me to him, fiercely hugging me. I couldn’t think of anything to say, so I wrapped my arms around his waist and hugged him back. We stood like that for what seemed like hours, so wrapped up in each other that it felt as if we were the only two people in the world.

“I want you so bad that it physically hurts,” he said as he rested his chin on my head.

“I’m sorry. I don’t mean to make things harder for you.”

I started to pull away, but he wouldn’t release me.

“Just being near you makes things harder. This”—he squeezed me—“is like a reprieve. I can touch you, feel your body against mine, and that’s more than I could have ever expected.”

He kissed the top of my head, and then he finally released me. I took a step back, trying to find my bearings.

“I love you,” he said suddenly, so suddenly that I wasn’t sure I’d heard him right.

“What?” I whispered.

“I love you.” He looked as if saying the words were causing him actual pain. “I shouldn’t say that to you, I know that, but I can’t
not
say it either. I’m too far into this with you. I need you to understand that I’m not going anywhere, Caley. I’m going to wait right here until you’re ready to move on with your life. When you do, it’s going to be with me. I’m going to teach you what life is really supposed to be like. I’m going to show you what it’s like to be loved.”

Tears filled my eyes as I stared at this man, who was pouring his heart out to me. He was so young, barely older than I was when I had fallen in love with Joey, but this was different. The emotions playing on his face, his tone…everything was different. I knew without a doubt that Ethan meant what he was saying.

I stepped forward and reached up to cup his jaw. “Thank you, Ethan. Thank you so much.”

This time, I wasn’t the one to initiate the kiss. Instead, he lowered his head and searched out my lips with his. The kiss was gentle at first but grew in intensity to a point where I couldn’t breathe. His lips crushed against mine, making me dizzy with need.

I bit down on his bottom lip, and he sucked in a breath, his grip on me tightening. His tongue darted between my lips, tasting me, as I clung to his shoulders.

Ethan pulled away. “You have to make me stop.”

“I can’t,” I whispered before pulling him back to me and kissing him again.

“If we don’t, there’s no going back.” He pulled away. He put his fingers under my chin and forced me to look up at him. “Can you live with that?”

“I…I don’t know,” I said.

“If you can’t live with it, then I need you to go. I won’t let your guilt turn something perfect into something you’ll regret.”

“No matter how much guilt I might feel, I wouldn’t ever regret it,” I told him.

He shook his head. “There should be no guilt in your heart at all.”

He ran his fingers over my trembling lips. I closed my eyes, my heart and my mind at war with each other.

“Don’t leave me, please. Don’t walk out that door and take this moment away from us. The guilt you feel is for a man who has never loved you, not the way I do. Don’t let him destroy this like he has destroyed everything else in your life.”

“I’m scared,” I told him, as if he didn’t already know that.

He could clearly see the way my body was trembling.

“Don’t be.” He reached down and grabbed my hand. “Come with me. Let me show you what love is supposed to be like.”

Caley hesitated for a moment, but then she finally started moving. I pulled her along, wondering if I was crazy for doing this. It could end badly for both of us.

Was I really willing to take that chance? What if I lost her because I couldn’t wait a few more weeks or maybe a few more months at most?

I pushed that thought aside. No, I wouldn’t lose her. Caley was already mine whether she realized it or not. I loved her, and now, she knew. She didn’t have to be afraid of facing the world on her own or being alone after settling everything with Joey.

She was mine, and I was about to mark her as mine.

We walked into my bedroom, and I closed the door behind us. I could feel her body trembling as I brushed against her.

“Don’t be afraid,” I whispered as I rested my hands on her shoulders and rubbed gently.

“How can I not be?” she whispered back.

“Because you’re with me,” I told her. “You never have to be afraid when I’m near.”

I leaned forward and tenderly kissed the back of her neck. I wanted her to know how much she was loved. I needed her to understand that.

She sighed, and her body slowly started to relax as I kissed a path up her neck to her ear. I turned her so that she was facing me. Her eyes were wide, frightened. I kissed both of her eyelids and then her nose as I moved her backward to my bed.

When the back of her legs hit the bed, I gently pushed her down until she lay flat on top of my sheets. I kissed her, soft at first. Then, finally caving to my need, I kissed her harder. My hands found her hair, and I ran my fingers through the silky strands. She sighed against my lips, her body going slack beneath me. Finally, she was relaxed.

I stood and pulled my shirt over my head, tossing it aside. Her eyes widened as she stared at my naked chest.

“Don’t stare like you’ve never seen it. I saw you watching me earlier when I was mowing,” I teased.

Her face heated, but she didn’t respond. I fought a grin at the sight of her blushing. In some ways, she was still so innocent. Silently, she watched as I pulled her shoes off and dropped them next to the bed.

When I reached for the button on her jeans, she tensed up again.

“Hey, it’s okay,” I assured her as I undid the button and then the zipper.

“Ethan, I’ve never…” She trailed off.

I raised an eyebrow. “You have a child. Don’t tell me you’ve never had sex.”

She shook her head. “Of course I have. It’s just…I’ve never been naked in front of anyone, except for
him.
”

“I assumed as much,” I said. When she raised an eyebrow, I went on to explain, “Well, you’ve been with him since high school, and you’ve never hit me as the type who sleeps around.”

“I’m not,” she said, as if she felt the need to defend herself.

“Shh, I know.” I slowly pulled her jeans off and let them fall to the floor. I felt my dick harden as I laid my eyes on her black satin panties. They were simple but sexy as fuck.

I reached up and took her hands in mine, pulling her up until she was sitting on the bed. I grabbed the bottom of her shirt and lifted it up and over her head, discarding it into the growing pile of clothing at my feet. She instantly tried to cover herself with her hands and arms, blocking as much of her chest and stomach as she could.

“Please don’t be shy,” I told her. “It’s only the two of us here.”

Tears filled her eyes. “I’m sorry. I’m ruining this for you.”

I shook my head. “Not at all. I know we have to take our time. I’m willing to go as slow as you need me to.”

“I’m afraid you’ll look at me and turn away.” A tear slipped down her cheek.

“What are you talking about?” I asked.

“My stomach. It’s not flat, and I have stretch marks from Amelia.” Another tear slid down her cheek. “My boobs aren’t perky anymore. Pregnancy took that, too.”

I was stunned into silence as I watched her cry. She made sure to shield every inch of herself that she possibly could. For the first time, I realized just how broken the girl in front of me was.

“Hey,” I said as I knelt down in front of her so that I could look her right in the eyes, “you’re beautiful, Caley, inside and out.”

“Right.” She hiccupped.

I reached forward and tugged her arms away from her body. The look of horror on her face broke my heart.

“Lie back,” I instructed.

She shook her head, her arms straining against my grip. “No, don’t make me. Please.”

“Caley, lean back,” I said, using a tone that left no room for argument.

Reluctantly, she obliged. Once she was lying on her back, I drank her in. God, she was beautiful, and she had absolutely no idea. In that moment, I hated Joey more than I ever had. He’d belittled her until she saw absolutely nothing in herself.

My eyes gazed over her body, stopping at her midsection. Small white lines went across her stomach and sides. They were there but barely noticeable.

“Is this what you’ve been worried about?” I ran my finger over one of them.

She shivered. “Yes.”

I leaned forward and placed a kiss on her stomach. She jerked, shocked at my action.

“This is beautiful, Caley. These marks…they mean something. You brought a child into this world. To me, that’s far more important than flawless skin or a completely flat stomach. You’re perfect the way you are. I just wish you’d realize that.”

“I’m sorry,” she whispered, barely loud enough for me to hear.

I sat up, so I could look at her. “No need to apologize. I’m going to keep telling you how beautiful you are. Every single day, I’m going to say those words to you. One day, you’re going to look at yourself and realize just how perfect you are. And when that day comes, I’m going to be right there with you. You’re mine, Caley, and I’m going to give you the world.”

I lowered my head and deeply kissed her, eliciting a moan from her. I lowered my body until it rested on top of hers. The feel of her naked skin against mine sent my need into overdrive. I had to have this woman, or I might explode.

I kissed a trail from her lips down to her neck and to the top of her bra. Her breathing grew heavier with each kiss. Unable to hold back any longer, I unsnapped her bra, thanking my lucky stars that it clasped in the front, and I tossed it away from us. My mouth was on her nipple before she could even process the fact that her bra was gone.

I cupped both of her breasts in my hands as I sucked on her nipple. Her body bucked underneath me, showing me just how much she was enjoying what I was doing. I released her nipple before kissing a trail down her stomach, making sure to kiss every little mark within my path.

Carefully, I pulled her underwear down. She kicked them aside without a second thought.

I stared down at her, fully naked and wanting, on my bed. So many times, I’d imagined this moment. My imagination hadn’t done her justice, not at all.

I ran my hand down her chest and stomach to the place I desired the most. My fingers found her entrance and slid inside without hesitation. She gasped as my thumb found her nub, and I pressed against it. I withdrew my fingers before plunging them deep inside her again.