Elusive Love
Authors: K. A. Robinson
Copyright © 2015 by K.A. Robinson
All rights reserved.
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Editor and Interior Designer: Jovana Shirley, Unforeseen Editing,
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No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system without the written permission of the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.
This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.
If I had known how Ethan would change my life so drastically, I never would’ve said a word to him.
I would have treated him the way I’d treated every other guy my friend Andrea dated—with polite coolness. After all, the guys rarely stuck around for long. Once Andrea was finished with one, she would send him on his way, confused and thoroughly fucked. It was just how she was.
Instead, I’d spoken to Ethan. Every day, he’d joined Andrea, Delilah, and me at our lunch table, and we’d joked with each other. He was a sophomore, two years younger than the rest of us, but he’d fit in with our little group.
Over the three months that Andrea had kept him around, I had grown to consider him a friend. When she’d broken his heart two weeks before we graduated from high school, he’d stopped coming around.
Ethan and I would smile at each other in the halls whenever we passed, but that was it. With graduation coming up, I hadn’t tried to keep our friendship intact. I hadn’t seen the point. After graduation, there was little to no chance that we would see each other again.
On top of that, my boyfriend, Joey, hadn’t been a fan of me hanging out with guy friends. He wouldn’t be rude about it, but he wouldn’t hide the fact that it made him uncomfortable. I’d liked Ethan, but attempting to stay in contact with him wouldn’t have been worth a fight with Joey.
So, for the next few years, I’d forgotten about Ethan. With the exception of a friend request that I’d sent to him on Facebook, one that he’d approved, I’d had no contact with him at all.
Until one night.
Drunk and browsing through my News Feed, I had seen his name. On a whim, I’d messaged him. It was a decision that changed everything for me. One simple message set off a chain reaction that changed every single aspect of my future.
In high school, I was the shy girl who talked to almost no one. I had a group of six or seven friends who I stuck with, content with their company. I was free to be myself around them. While I was quiet inside the walls of our school, I would be a completely different person away from it. With my friends, I’d laugh loudly, spout more sarcasm than I’d thought possible, and act like a complete goofball. I was normal around them—well, as normal as I could be.
While I was content with my friends, something was missing, something I longed for—a boyfriend. Every single teenage girl could relate to the feeling of longing when she stared at the boys walking around her in the hallways of her high school. I’d watch the girls in my classes cling to their boyfriends. Some of them would go past clinging, as they displayed their, uh…affection for everyone to see. I’d pretend not to see them, but I did. I was a professional at keeping a blank face, but inside, I was jealous of those girls.
When I reached my junior year with not even a single boyfriend under my belt, I started to wonder if maybe something was wrong with me. I knew my shyness didn’t help, but surely, that wasn’t the only reason no guy had paid attention to me, past the point of friendship.
Every morning, I’d study myself in the bathroom mirror, noting every imperfection I could see. My boobs were too small, there was a little pudge around my waist, my nose was too big, my brown hair was too plain, my green eyes were too dull, and my lips were too big.
It didn’t take long for me to sink into a depression. I had memorized every imperfection I could see, searing them into my brain.
When I walked through the halls of my high school, I was sure that every single student was noticing the same imperfections. They were taking note of them and laughing manically about me behind my back. By the time that idea had planted itself inside my head, I hated myself.
Then, something changed a few months into my junior year. A senior, Joey Sanders, spoke to me in class one afternoon. No one spoke to me, besides my friends. I was so startled that I answered him, an action my normally shy disposition would have prevented. He seemed as surprised as I was that I could actually speak. He quickly got over his shock, throwing me a smile that blinded me, a smile that showed a dimple in each of his cheeks.
For the next few weeks, Joey would speak to me in class every single day. Starved for attention, it didn’t take me long to find myself crushing on him. He was certainly crush-worthy. He kept his dark brown hair cut short. His eyes were a warm chocolate brown that lit up every time he smiled. He was tall, too, which was a serious plus since I was a little over five foot seven inches.
Until he’d spoken to me, I had barely noticed him. Afterward, all I could do was obsess over him. I’d watch him in the one class we had together. I’d search for him during lunch. I’d learned what classes he was taking and who his friends were. I was slightly obsessed, and I knew it, but I didn’t care.
If Joey thought my questions were too probing or that I glanced over at him too often, he didn’t comment. Instead, he’d continue to talk with me, laughing at my jokes. Warmth would fill my chest whenever he was around.
Less than two months after he’d spoken his first words to me, we were together. My self-esteem skyrocketed because someone like Joey wanted me. I walked around with a bounce in my step, my heart light.
I was in love with the idea of love itself, not that I realized that then. I’d thought I was in love with Joey. I was too young to know that love was rarely instant, that it took time to truly love someone. Honestly, if I had known, I wouldn’t have cared. I had been too happy to let reality take hold.
When Joey graduated that spring, I worried that things would fall apart between us. He laughed when I told him my fears and assured me that he wasn’t going anywhere. He kept his word, finding a construction job close by. He moved into his own apartment, only a few miles away from where I lived with my parents.
Every night, after I’d come home from school and he’d finished with work, he would come to my house. He would have dinner with my family, spend his evenings with us, and even sleep on our couch every once in a while. With the exception of not having him around me at school, hardly anything between us had changed.
Our feelings grew stronger with every passing day. Even though we found ourselves arguing sometimes, it didn’t hinder how I felt about him.
After one particularly bad fight that had ended with him storming out of my house and tearing down my driveway, the cold reality that he could leave me finally registered with me. It knocked me over with the force of a ton of bricks. If he left me, I’d have no one. No other man had ever shown any interest in me, and I realized I’d be all alone again. I’d go back to being an unwanted freak.
The next day, I begged for his forgiveness. I spent hours groveling before he finally accepted my apology. I hated that I was the one apologizing since he was the one who had started the argument the evening before, but I ignored that little voice in my head, too relieved that I wasn’t going to lose him.