Elusive Love (4 page)

No idea, but I have a whole hour to myself. I’m probably just going to drive around with the windows down and the radio turned up.

That sounds like a good way to spend an hour. Want some company?

What do you mean?

Well, if you don’t mind someone riding shotgun, I was going to suggest that you come pick me up. I’m about ten minutes away from our old high school. I have no idea where you live now, so I don’t know how close I am to you.

My eyes widened as I read his message. I wanted to pick him up, but I knew it would be a bad idea.

What if someone I knew saw me picking him up? What if Joey found out somehow?
He would be furious. No,
furious
wasn’t a strong enough word for how angry he would be.

I messaged back.

What’s your address?

When Ethan responded, I smiled. He lived within fifteen minutes of my place.

I’ll pick you up in fifteen.

Apparently, I was throwing caution to the wind. Picking him up would either be really good for me or catastrophic if it ended with Joey learning the truth. Either way, I wasn’t going to back out now. It seemed I was taking all kinds of risks today.

Caley Sanders, the daredevil.

It had a nice ring to it.

When I pulled up outside a small white house, I saw Ethan sitting on his porch, smoking a cigarette. He stood and stomped it out before walking over to where my car was parked. He opened the door and climbed inside with a wide grin. I took a moment to look him over, surprised at just how much he’d changed since the last time I laid eyes on him. The photos I’d glanced at online didn’t do him justice. He was far more attractive than I’d remembered.

“You know, I never expected that you’d actually show up when I suggested you come pick me up,” Ethan said in greeting.

I checked to make sure there was no traffic before pulling back onto the road. “Honestly, I thought it was a bad idea when you suggested it.”

Ethan laughed. “Then, why did you come get me?”

I kept my eyes on the road, debating on what to say. “I guess I was just lonely.”

He was quiet for a moment before speaking again, “You were so lonely that you came to pick up a guy you hadn’t seen since you graduated from high school years ago?”

“I guess I was,” I mumbled as I made a right turn onto a less traveled road. I didn’t want to push my luck by driving right through the main part of town. I might be a fool for deciding to see Ethan in person, but I wasn’t a complete moron.

“Turn right up here,” Ethan said suddenly.

I curiously glanced over at him before turning as he had instructed. “Why am I going this way? I’m not even sure if this is a road or not. It might just be someone’s driveway.”

“It’s a road, I promise. I used to go fishing at a pond up through here. A pull-off spot is coming up. Pull over there.”

“Why?” I asked cautiously.

“Because I think you need someone to vent to, and it’s kind of hard to have that kind of conversation while you’re driving. I’d rather you get it all out of your system at once instead of trying to focus on both the road and what you’re saying.”

I pursed my lips but didn’t respond. Ethan had a point about my need to vent, so when I saw the pull-over spot, I turned the wheel, leaving the blacktop. Once I was off the road, I put my car in park and shut it off.

We were completely surrounded by trees, no trace of human life anywhere near us. The sun was starting to sink below the horizon. I suddenly felt uneasy about being so totally alone with Ethan. It wasn’t just the fact that I hadn’t seen him in so long, but it also felt wrong to be alone with a man who wasn’t my husband.

“So, do you want to vent or not?” Ethan asked. “Or we can just sit here in silence until you’re ready to go home. I’m good with either option.”

I looked over at him. “A man who is willing to talk about emotions and stuff? You’re full of surprises.”

He shrugged. “I call bullshit on that whole men-don’t-talk-about-feelings crap.”

“I couldn’t tell you the last time Joey actually sat down and listened when I tried to talk to him about my feelings,” I said.

“Then, he’s a fool. No marriage—hell, no relationship can last without communication,” Ethan said.

“I wish he would realize that. The only communication we have is during our daily fights. Let me just say, there’s not a lot of good communication going on during those.”

Ethan frowned. “Why don’t you start at the beginning and tell me what’s been going on between the two of you? I know you’ve been with him for a long time. You were with him back when we first met. You seemed so happy with him then.”

“I was happy,” I said sadly. “I was in love—or at least, I was in love with the idea of love. Until Joey, no guy had paid me a bit of attention. I’d thought something was wrong with me, and then Joey came along. He spoke to me and paid attention to what I had to say. He told me how pretty I was and made sure that we always spent time together. He made me feel important, like I was worth someone’s attention.”

“I never realized what a low opinion you had of yourself,” Ethan said.

I stared at him, shocked by his words. “What is that supposed to mean?”

“You needed Joey’s attention to feel validated. You’re a pretty girl, Caley, and you’re one of the smartest girls I’ve ever met. You shouldn’t feel the way you do about yourself.”

“I hate myself,” I told him, surprised that I was being so honest. “I hate the way I look, and I hate the way things have turned out in my life. I wish I could be smarter, prettier, and just overall better.”

“Low self-esteem is something a lot of girls have. I’ve never understood why,” he said, like it was a fact, no condescension in his tone.

I shrugged. “I’ve always felt this way. Joey dulled the hate for a while, but now that things are so horrid between us, it’s come back tenfold.”

“What happened to you guys?” he asked.

“Life,” I told him. “We grew up. Neither of us are the same people we were when we were in high school. We are two totally different people. If I say blue, he says orange. If I want one kind of food, he wants another. We fight over everything, and it breaks my heart. At first, it was just over little things, but then the little things turned into bigger things. Now, we’re at the point where everything is just one big battle.”

“I can’t help but ask, if you two fight so much, why did you have a child together?”

“Things improved for a while. We go through cycles. We bicker for a few months, and then we wage all-out war against each other for a few months. Then, we get along for a while before it starts all over again.

“When I found out I was pregnant with Amelia, we were in a good place. By the time I had her, it was war again. She settled us for a few months, but now, we’re right back to despising each other. The only time we don’t fight is when I’m drinking. He’s too busy helping me get drunk to disagree with me.”

“Wait, why does he help you get drunk?” Ethan asked, stupefied.

“Because he gets laid when I’m drunk. It’s the only time I want to touch him,” I said bluntly.

“Oh, wow,” he mumbled.

I chuckled. “God, I can’t believe I’m telling you all of this. I don’t even know you anymore.”

Ethan grinned, and for some strange reason, I felt my heart flutter in my chest.

“You’ve never really known me, Caley. We were friends before, but we weren’t best friends or even super close.”

“Then, why in the world am I sitting in a car with you in the middle of nowhere, telling you all my marital problems?”

“I just have that kind of face?” he joked.

“Maybe,” I said. I paused for a moment. “I trust you, Ethan. I don’t know why, but I do. I’ve needed someone like you, a friend—or maybe
confidant
is a better word—for a really long time. I’ve felt so alone.”

He reached over and grasped my arm, surprising me. “I can be whatever you need me to be. I’m here for you.”

“Thanks,” I whispered. “That means a lot.”

He released my arm and smiled over at me. “I never realized how much I missed talking with you until you messaged me the other night. We used to get along really well back when I was with Andrea. I hated how you started ignoring me after she’d broken up with me.”

“I didn’t ignore you!” I said, my words sounding harsher than I had intended. “We were getting ready to graduate and leave our high school friends behind. I knew I would probably never see you again, so I didn’t try to hang on to a doomed friendship. Plus, Joey hated when I spoke to the few male friends I had. I didn’t want to start an argument with him.”

“So, he was a controlling dick even back then?” Ethan said.

“Yeah, I guess he was. He just wasn’t so harsh about it when I was still in high school. He certainly doesn’t try to hide his controlling side now though.”

“What do you mean?”

I chewed on my lip for a moment. I knew that Joey’s words would sound twice as harsh coming from me. “He likes order in everything but especially with me. For example, I gained weight while I was pregnant with Amelia. He decided I needed to lose it, so he tossed out all the junk food in our house and put me on a diet.”

Ethan’s eyes widened in disbelief. “You’re joking.”

“I’m not, but I wish I were. It’s not only me that he likes to control. Our house has to be spotless at all times, or there will be hell to pay.”

“Yeah, he really is a dick,” Ethan muttered. “And regarding the weight issue, you look fine to me. I definitely wouldn’t consider you fat. At least now I understand where some of your self-esteem issues come from.”

“Huh?” I asked.

“You seem to think so little of yourself. You might have felt that way before him, but I’m sure he has made it ten times worse by telling you that you need to lose weight. Come on, Caley. You just had a kid. Sure, some women bounce right back, but most end up with a little weight leftover. My sister was a twig before she got pregnant. It took her a year or two to get back to where she was. It’s not a big deal.”

“Tell him that,” I said bitterly.

“Oh, I would if you’d let me. I’ve never met him, but from what little you’ve told me, he sounds like a jackass. It’s no wonder you’re so unhappy.”

Fear zipped through my body as I venomously shook my head. “
No.
You can never tell him anything if you two were to ever meet. Please, Ethan, promise me that whatever I tell you will stay between us.”

“Calm down. I won’t say anything to him—ever. I wouldn’t do that to you, not when you’ve put your trust in me like this.”

I relaxed a bit at his words. “Thank you. If he ever found out I had talked to you about all of this…I have no idea what he would do, but I do know it wouldn’t be good.”

He shook his head. “I don’t understand why you take this abuse, Caley. You’re so much better than this.”

“I made a vow to stay with him, for better or for worse. I have a child with him, a child who did not ask to be brought into this kind of life, and she will not suffer for my mistakes.”

“Did you ever think that staying with him might cause more harm than good?” Ethan asked.

“Of course it won’t. She’ll be raised in a home with both of her parents. She’ll know she’s loved.”

“She’ll grow up in a home surrounded by fighting and tension. If things are as bad as you say, there’s no way that she won’t notice it when she’s older. Both of you can love her from separate homes. It might even be better for her that way.”

I shook my head. “When she’s older, I’ll make sure the fighting stops.”

“How can you possibly make that happen?”