Dust to Dust: A Broken Fairy Tale (13 page)

My mouth drops open as I gasp, “Jessica! What are you talking about?”

“Oh please, like I wasn’t spying on you and Holden the whole time? Do you even know me at all?” she says dismissively.

I stand up and wrap my arm over her shoulder, glad to have a friend like Jess. Loyal, fierce, unafraid, inappropriately nosey, and of course one who has impeccable timing. “Alright then, let’s go inside and pretend the last thirty minutes didn’t happen.” I tap my finger on her chest. “And that includes my kiss with Holden.”

She smiles suggestively at me. “Okay…for now, but I want all the deets later.”

I laugh. “I love you, Jess.”

“I love you, too, you little slut.”

“C
amryn, please get the door. I’ve got my hands full in here,” my mom calls from the kitchen. My parents are still displaced because of Hurricane Sandy, but have finally moved out of my apartment in the city, and are now renting a house at the shore so they can be close now that renovations are going on at their house and the restaurant. To say that the rebuilding in Mantoloking is slow is an understatement. It still looks like a war zone there. It is Christmas Eve, and there is still no word on when residents will be allowed to move back permanently. Dave thinks it will be soon, but he has said that for weeks now. Once again, my parents opened their home to the families of Mantoloking to celebrate with us.

I open the door to see Jess and Dave carrying so many gifts that I can’t even see Charlotte standing behind them.

“Merry Christmas, you little hussy!” Jess never cares who is around. She is always entirely inappropriate at all times and I love her for it.

I smile, a real smile, happy to have Jess here for another holiday, helping to keep my sadness buried away. Marcus and I are now officially divorced as of last week, and the last of his things have been taken from the apartment. After Thanksgiving, with the finality of our relationship done, Marcus and I are actually able to interact more kindly, or to put it more directly, he started kissing my ass. He knows what a dick move it was to serve me the papers on Thanksgiving, and he knows how much our divorce hurts me. I try to focus on making the girls feel comfortable being around the two of us when we are all forced to be together. I want them to think that this really is the best for them. I know if they think we hate each other, they will feel hurt themselves.

In one of his many attempts to smooth things over between us, Marcus insisted I have the girls Christmas Eve, and he will come and take them to the city for Christmas Day. Christmas Eve has always been my favorite…well, until Marcus dropped his bomb last year, but it is also the day Holden came back. I have decided to hold on to my happy memories tonight and not the shitty ones. You can say I am trying to turn over a new leaf and
really
be positive rather than pretend to be. And tonight, I
really
am happy. I am going to be together with all of my family and friends, all of those I love.

A burst of cold wind shoots through the door, reminding me that it was a crisp thirty-two degrees outside. “Merry Christmas to you!” I chose a more appropriate greeting than my friend and swing Charlotte into my arms, giving her a big, cheerful kiss. “Sophie and Ellie are over by the Christmas tree. They’ve been waiting for you, and may have a candy cane for you too.”

Charlotte is out of my arms and running to the tree in an instant as Jess and Dave trudge their way behind, trying not to drop any of their gifts. I begin to shut the door behind them, when a familiar voice calls to me. “Happy Anniversary!”

I look down the porch to see Holden and give him a confused expression. He is quickly up on the porch next to me with bags of presents. Tonight he looks like the sexiest, most drool-worthy man I have ever seen. His dark brown hair is perfectly mussed and it makes me wonder if he actually styles it that way or if he just wakes up and goes with it. He is wearing a dark, long wool trench coat that shows the top of a V-neck sweater over a white buttoned-down shirt. His green eyes sparkle when he leans in and kisses my cheek.

“It’s the anniversary of us reuniting as BFFs.” He looks up and my gaze follows his to the mistletoe above our heads.
Thank God for holiday traditions.
His eyes now smolder and a sly grin slides across his perfectly plump lips. He slowly runs his tongue across his lips and I can only hope I’m not outwardly drooling because that move is definitely drool-worthy. “Merry Christmas,” he whispers, leaning down and gently, softly brushes his lips across mine, letting a groan escape from his throat.

After Thanksgiving, Holden respected my need for space. He knows I’m not ready for anything serious, but he is also always there, either helping me get the girls to school or to one of their extracurricular activities. We’ve spent the past few weekends together when Marcus has the girls, snuggling and watching movies and eating takeout on the couch. He’s never once made any advances towards me, although I know how I affect him when I feel his desire pressed against me while we lay on the couch talking, or watching movies. I try to tell myself he doesn’t affect me the same way, but the truth is he does. The more time we spend together, the more I miss him. I’ve realized how much a part of me he has always been. But I can’t let myself think this way because I can’t let myself feel the way I did about him. Anytime I feel a wall coming down, I remember how easy it was for him to leave me all those years ago when I needed him most. How easy it was for him to completely shut me out of his life and never look back. I know he was young, immature, and broken, like me. I know he thought two people like us could destroy each other. He didn’t know why I was broken, only that I was, and that was too much for him.

But now, with the delicate, loving way he is kissing me, none of that matters. The freezing cold doesn’t matter, prying eyes don’t matter. Only his body pressed against mine and the sweet taste of peppermint from his lips matter. I put my hands on his face, surprising myself, and deepen the kiss. He sucks in a deep breath in response and nibbles on my bottom lip. “I wish I had my hands free right now,” he says through our kiss.

I pull back, sure I am blushing, having no idea what came over me. His eyes are filled with desire and confusion over my uncharacteristically eager response to his kiss. I take some of the bags from him, giving a shy smile, hoping he won’t read too much into the kiss. It’s been so long since I’ve been kissed like that, and I got a little carried away. “Merry Christmas, Holden. Come inside, it’s freezing out here.” I try to deflect.

He puts his hand low on my waist with his now free hand, turning me back towards him. “I’m not cold at all. I like this spot. I like it
a lot
,” he whispers again and looks back up at the mistletoe as if he is asking it for permission.

I slap him playfully. “Holden, it’s a tradition. I
had
to kiss you.”

He rolls his eyes, not pushing me any further. I love him for that.
Did I just say love him? Ugh!

“Well then, you’re not answering the door for anyone else tonight if that is what will happen.”

I laugh, leading him over to the tree to put the presents down, trying to change the subject and make the tingling down below that is now driving me crazy subside. “You didn’t have to bring all of these presents. Who are they for?” I ask, trying to peek in the bag I am holding for a gift with my name on it.

Holden is going to be sleeping at my parents’ with us tonight at the insistence of my mom. My family is the closest thing to family he has, and my parents would not accept no for an answer from him. It makes me happy to know he’ll be here with me and the girls tonight and wake up to experience their magical faces tomorrow. I know it is something he will truly appreciate and love. There are times I wonder what it would have been like if we had gotten married, had kids of our own. But the second I let myself have the thought, I push it back to the back of my psyche where it belongs.

“They’re for the girls, your parents…you.” He winks and puts down his bags.

“Uncle Holden! Merry Christmas, Uncle Holden!” Ellie and Sophie are quickly in his arms, kissing him all over his perfect face. He is laughing and twirling the girls around like they are little princesses. If I thought he looked sexy on the doorstep, he is absolutely irresistible right now. His strong jawline accents his perfect lips, and his dimples show just how happy he is with my girls. It makes me happy to just watch them. I can’t hide the stupid smile that is plastered on my face as I watch them all together. I really am happy for the first time that I can remember.

Holden’s gaze meets mine and his giddy smile turns serious. There is something in his eyes that is screaming to me, but I’m not sure what it is…I’m not really sure I want to know. Instead of worrying about it, and reading too much into anything, I decide to listen to my heart and walk over to the three of them and wrap them up in a big hug.
Tonight, I’m going to do what makes me happy. No walls tonight.

“Hey, Holden, sweetheart, I didn’t hear you come in.” My mom walks over to us, pulling Ellie out of Holden’s arms. “Girls, let Holden at least get his jacket off.” I notice my always perfect and put together mom is deathly pale and sweating profusely.

“Mom, are you alright?” I ask, looking to Holden—not sure if I am overreacting, or if my mom really does look like death warmed over. Her usually perfectly coiffed hair is a mess, and her mascara is smeared. Something is not right. Holden looks as concerned as me.

“Mrs. D, I’m good. The girls can help me find a place to put my jacket. Go with Cam.” He politely kisses her cheek and takes Ellie back in his arms as Sophie hangs off his back.

“I’m fine. Really, sweetheart. The stove makes the kitchen sweltering is all.” The doorbell rings, interrupting our conversation. “Will you get that for me? I’ll just go freshen up.” My mom is gone in an instant.

The night has been going perfectly, with family and friends coming and going through the night, all feeling more optimistic and excited for the New Year than they were only a month ago. It seems that everyone from Mantoloking has been here at one time or another tonight. There are so many people here, that I don’t think I even have had a chance to see everyone. Holden and I spend most of the night mingling with the guests and playing with the girls. Everyone is being so amazing with Sophie and Ellie, knowing that they are now part of a broken home and this is their first Christmas without their daddy. Throughout the night, Holden has been sweetly rubbing my back while we chatted with our friends, or brings me wine when he noticed my glass was empty. He is being simply perfect tonight.

I turn the corner with my hands full of plates I was helping my mom clear from our guests, to see Holden, all six foot four of perfection, sitting at the kids’ table with five girls surrounding him as if he is Prince Charming. I have to admit, that right now, he fits the part. Our eyes meet, and I try to look away, not wanting him to know the thoughts that are invading my mind. He kisses Ellie on the top of her head and blows kisses to all the girls, leaving them to decorate cookies on their own.

“Hey you,” he says, coming up next to me and leaning casually against the cabinets. I am thankful he isn’t picking on me after catching me ogling him. Instead, he takes my shoulders and pulls me so that I am leaning my body against his.
This is nice.
He begins gently rubbing my shoulders while we watch the girls laugh and sing Christmas carols together. I lean my head back against his chest, exhausted from the day. “I think you accomplished your goal of making this the best Christmas ever. Good thing since Thanksgiving was such a bust.”

He is right: this is the perfect night, and the girls need this as much as I do after the disaster that Thanksgiving became. My dad dressed as Santa and surprised all of the kids by bringing a truckload of presents for them all to open, while everyone sat by the fire and sang Christmas carols and sipped on eggnog. It is like something out of a freaking movie.

“I think you’re right. It’s been pretty fan-fucking-tastic if I do say so myself.” I think the eggnog and wine is getting to me and I begin to giggle.

Holden stops massaging my shoulders and pulls me closer, wrapping his arms tightly around me and takes a deep breath. “I’ve been waiting all night to have you in my arms. It’s been the best Christmas of my life, Cam. Thank you.” He kisses the top of my head, making my whole body shiver from his gentle touch.

I place my hands over his and gently stroke them. “You made it special, Holden. The way you are with the girls…it’s…it’s special. They love you.”
I love you.

His grasp tightens and I feel his heart pounding through his chest, seemingly matching mine. Without thinking, I lift his hands to my lips and softly kiss them. They smell of frosting and cookies and feel rough against my lips, like a man who uses his hands in ways that make my insides melt. I momentarily let my guard down and imagine what those hands feel like when they are touching me. He lets out a soft groan as I kiss each knuckle, making both our hearts race with anticipation. I can only imagine what is going on in Holden’s head right now when I linger on each knuckle, breathing in his sweet scent. I am happy here like this with him, happier than I ever thought I could be with Holden again. I am feeling things that I haven’t allowed myself to feel in a long time. I am feeling things that only Holden can make me feel with a simple touch.