Dust to Dust: A Broken Fairy Tale (14 page)

“If you keep doing that, I won’t be able to keep us in the friend zone, babe.” His voice is low and husky, seeping with desire.

Holden hasn’t called me babe in years…decades. Hearing him use that word with me makes my walls come down with him even further. I decide to call his bluff, wondering if he is feeling the same need for affection that I am. I open up his hand and gently kiss the inside of his palm this time. I know he is smiling even though I can’t see him. I can feel his desire for me pressed into my back, making me wish we could sneak away from all the guests and fulfill the completely inappropriate thoughts that have completely taken over.

“Camryn, girls, come out here please,” my mom calls from the living room, breaking our intimate moment. I can’t believe I am actually letting myself feel something for Holden again. It’s always been there—I know it has. I’ve just never let myself acknowledge the hold he still has on my heart.

“I’m going to pick all this mess up, then I’ll be out there. I...um…” Holden adjusts himself, letting me know exactly
why
he is not coming with me right now. “I need a minute.”

I smile confidently back at him, feeling pretty smug about the fact that I can still have that effect on him. I shrug my shoulders innocently and kiss his cheek. Holden grabs onto my waist and lets out a frustrated growl, eyeing me like I am his prey. I can’t help but look up at him and smile a real smile. “Don’t be too long.” I wink friskily before grabbing the girls and seeing what my mom wants.

I lead the girls, who are now covered in frosting from head to toe, out to the living room to see what other surprise my dad has waiting for us. Tonight has been a night full of surprises, and I hoped there will be more to come…especially with Holden. The first thing I notice is there is a large crowd gathered by the piano, once again singing painfully out of tune. I can only see the backs of everyone as they raise their glasses high in the air to the beat of the songs. The smile that has been on my face all day only deepens at the sight of it all.
This really is the best Christmas ever.

The girls run ahead of me, squeezing their way to the seat where my dad is playing the piano, surely thinking he is Billy Joel and singing proudly to “O Christmas Tree,” clearly having had a few cocktails under his belt as well. Before I can make out all of the faces surrounding them, a familiar voice that has haunted my dreams was in my ear.

“Camryn. Can we talk?”

It is Jake Waters.

My parents hadn’t told me the Waters would be here. In fact, they promised they weren’t going to be here. My mom was especially pleased since she never likes it when Mary Waters is around. She didn’t want Mrs. Waters ruining her Christmas probably almost as much as I didn’t want Jake to. Her foul attitude always winds up ruining the night. I can do nothing but stare blankly ahead, noticing Mrs. Waters sneering at my dad and Mr. Waters, who has now joined my dad at the piano.

I don’t answer Jake. I just bolt for the front door and run out into the freezing night. My eyes instantly begin to water either from the shock of the cold or the fear that is pulsing through my veins.
Fuck, fuck, fuck! Pull yourself together, Cam. You can do this.

I bend over with my hands on my bare knees and I know he is behind me. I hold my breath, not sure what to do or say. I need to show him I’m strong, not the bumbling, scared fool he saw at Cutter Lane before the storm.

“Camryn, please just hear me out. I know what I did was wrong. I am so sorry I hurt you. I am—”

“Shut the fuck up, Jake. Just shut up.” I am breathless. The fear and pent-up anger is threatening to overtake me, but I won’t let it. This is my moment to say all the things that I’ve wanted to. I need to say all the things that I have laid on my bed night after night wishing I would have said all those years ago.

He ignores my plea and continues in a hushed voice, “I went to therapy…still go to therapy. I never hurt anyone else. I never meant to hurt you. I had no choice.”

Now the pent-up anger overtakes my calm with his ridiculous confession. “How dare you tell me
you
had no choice?!”

I stand up and am now aggressively up in his face, knowing there is no way he’ll physically hurt me with his family and all these guests just feet away. Perhaps the alcohol is giving me strength, maybe it is something else, but I have waited too long to get this out. “
I
-HAD-NO-CHOICE! I have lived in fear for years. You broke me. You took everything from me.” I push him hard in the chest, not able to hold back my rage. “I never told anyone, just like you said. I never told so you wouldn’t hurt me. So you wouldn’t hurt my family. But what you did hurt me, and hurt my family. You being around makes no difference because the pain I feel because of you is a part of me. So unless you’re here to finish me off, then just go away. There is nothing you can do or say to me that will change how I feel about you or to change what happened!”

He looks down at the icy sidewalk with tears in his eyes.
How dare he act this way!
“I came back to show you how sorry I am. The night changed me forever, too, you know. I left my family after that day, Camryn. I left my life behind so you could move on with yours. I tried to make things right for you.” He grabs me by the shoulders and turns me to face him. “It’s because of them that any of this happened.”

I didn’t realize until now that I am crying, and having his hands on me again, touching me again, sends me into a frenzy. His onetime handsome face is gaunt and pale, strained with anxiety. His once evil eyes look pained and it pisses me off!

“Get the hell off me!” I scream.

Before I know what is happening, Jake is flying to the ground in front of me. Blood is instantly pouring from his nose and Holden is now on top of him, holding him to the ground with his fist cocked and ready to pummel him again. “I knew it was you! What the fuck did you
do
to her, you piece of shit? What did you
do
to her?” His anger is terrifying. Holden looks as if he is going to kill Jake right here, and a part of me hopes he does.

Before Holden can unleash his fist again, Dave is pulling Holden off Jake as the entire party watches the four of us from the door and surrounding windows.

“Get off of my son, you bastard piece of trash!” Mary Waters pushes through the crowd with an enraged look on her face. She turns to me in disgust. “And you—you’re nothing but a little slut. Just like your mother!”

“Mary! Stop this.” John Waters is now at her side, looking back and forth between his evil son and horrid wife.

Jake shockingly looks over to me and my parents, who are now at my side, looking as bewildered as the crowd of people. I am sure this whole scene is something that is shocking to everyone and anyone who knows us considering my dad’s relationship with John Waters.

Jake reaches his hand up in my direction, blood dripping uncontrollably from his nose over his clothes. “I’m sorry. It’s my fault and I’m sorry.” He turns and heads out to the street without another word to his parents or the guests.

“Bobby, Nora, I am so sorry. I…I don’t know what happened, but I’m sorry if this ruined your Christmas.” John Waters grabs his wife’s arm, who is still glaring at me as if this scene is my fault, and follows his son to the car.

Once the guests silently shuffle back inside, I instantly think of my girls. I pray that someone was smart enough to keep them away from the fiasco that erupted out here. I search the crowd and am relieved that there is no sign of them anywhere. I look down the steps and my heart stops when I see Holden. He is fuming in a way I didn’t think was ever possible for him. Holden never loses his cool and tonight he erupted with rage, and I have to say I’m glad he did. He is now standing at the bottom of the steps with Dave still trying in vain to calm him down. Holden’s broad chest heaves up and down as he paces back and forth across the sidewalk, mumbling something I can’t hear. There is a pain in his eyes that I have never seen before. Not even when his parents died.

Our eyes meet, lock, and my heart melts. His love for me is written all over his face and I can’t help but feel the same for him right now. Holden is like my knight in shining armor after doing to Jake what I’ve always hoped to myself. It is as if he is the only thing right now that is going to keep me from collapsing. Everything I have tried so hard to hide is threatening to be exposed, and all I can think about is running into Holden’s protective arms.

“Where are the girls?” My voice is barely audible as I ask anyone who is listening, my eyes still not leaving Holden’s.

“They’ve been inside with Jess the entire time, sweetheart. She was luckily upstairs with the three girls, getting them ready for bed, when everyone heard Holden yelling,” my mom answers with compassion in her eyes. She’s not going to ask me what the fight was about; that’s not her style. She would rather not know, but she will support me all the same. My mom wipes her hand across her brow and I notice her sweaty hairline and the ashen color of her skin.

“Are you all right, Mom?” I ask, my concern thankfully taking a different focus.

My mom kisses my cheek, dismissing my worry. “Only worried about you, dear. Are
you
all right?” She sweetly brushes my hair away from my face like she has as long as I can remember.

“I’ll be okay. I just think I need a minute,” I state solemnly.

“Alright, show’s over. Let’s get back inside and out of this cold.” My dad urges the lingering guests inside and leads my mom back inside and out of the cold.

Holden stands where he is and shakes his head, letting Dave know he is okay. I can’t help myself anymore. I run over to him and throw myself into his arms, wanting nothing more than to feel the safety that he always provides. Without hesitation, he lifts me up so that I am securely engulfed by him. Guilt is threatening to tear me apart as I think of the look in Holden’s eyes. His pain is palpable, and it is all my fault. He knew me before Jake’s attack.
I still couldn’t say the word, not even to myself.
Holden knows how happy I was growing up. I was innocent, naive, and loved with my whole body and soul, not just my heart. After the attack, I was withdrawn, subdued, and most of all guarded. A part of me thought that what happened to me, happened because of who I was…of how I acted. It was too painful to
feel
anymore after Jake broke me. I am sure Holden now is beginning to realize why I have changed so drastically over the years.

“I’m so sorry, Holden. I should have told you everything. I was just too scared and confused at first. As I got older, I just…I just wanted to forget that it ever even happened.”

He doesn’t answer. He closes his eyes for a moment, and then takes my face in his hands, gently wiping away the tears that are helplessly falling from my eyes. “You don’t have to be scared anymore.” With those soothing words, he presses his lips to mine with intense desperation. I twist my fingers through his soft hair as he grips at the sides of my waist, making my dress come up slightly and letting a cold rush of air sweep up between my legs, reminding me that we are not alone. There are very likely people still watching us from the window and I can only imagine the gossip that is swirling around the room from the events of the night.

I pull back and rest my head against his chest, closing my eyes at the comfort he provides for me. I’m not sure what this kiss means for us, and I’m not sure that I’m even ready to find out. Tonight has been filled with too much emotion for me to make any definite decisions.

“We need to go inside, but I promise, Holden. I will tell you everything…tonight. I need to tell you everything. I need you to know the truth. I need someone to know the truth. I am so tired of constantly living in fear of people knowing the truth. I’m tired of going through life numb, too afraid to
feel
anything because of him
.
”

Holden rubs my back while he quietly takes in my words. He is always so careful, every word premeditated. I know tonight some of his worst fears for me have been realized. I can feel his heart begin to pick up pace the longer we stand here in each other’s arms. It seems as if it is going to burst out of his chest, right here onto the frozen sidewalk. I look up at him, wanting to make sure he is going to be okay when our eyes meet and I see something in them that I’m not sure I’m ready to see. It’s a look that I have seen in his eyes before, long ago. It is a look of love. He takes my face in his hands again, bending down so that we are eye to eye. “Cam.” He is breathless as he presses his forehead to mine, seemingly searching for his words. He lets his hands drift to my waist, gripping the back of my dress. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you. I’ll always regret leaving you. But you’ve got to let me in. Let me take care of you. Fuck, Cam, let me
love
you!”

I am stunned. I know he was having feelings for me again; he has said as much to me. But love? Love is something I don’t know if I’m ready for. I know I love him, but can I love him the way he deserves? Marcus left me because I couldn’t love him enough and now my girls are paying the price.

“I’m scared, Holden. It’s not just me anymore. I have the girls to think about.” I run my fingers through his hair, unable to break our embrace, and he continues holding onto me as if I am going to disappear.

His grip tightens on my waist. “I love those girls and you know it. I love them as if they are my own. Nothing will ever change that.” His eyes are fiercely on fire. I can feel the truth in his words and can only smile.

I’ve let myself be controlled by fear of being hurt for too long. I lean up on my toes, not worrying about who is watching from the window above, and give him a soft kiss on his mouth, hoping to show him that I do want to let him in. I’m just not sure how anymore.

“I’ll need you to be patient. I’m not the same as I was,” I whisper, shocking myself that I am actually agreeing to try to move to the next step with Holden. My heart is thumping in my chest with anticipation.

He laughs, probably from shock, and smiles widely through our kiss, not breaking his lips from mine to speak. “I can do slow.”