Don't Ask Alice (2 page)

T
he next few weeks were great. Some mornings I called for Alice at her dad's place, and other mornings I picked her up from her mum's place. At first it seemed a bit weird, but soon it just seemed normal, and it was hard to remember a time when her family had all lived together in one house.

The whole class was getting really excited because our Confirmation was coming up. We did
hardly any real work. Most days we went to the church and practised hymns, and stupid stuff like getting in and out of our seats, and walking to the altar in neat lines. At first it was really hard, and people kept ending up in the wrong places, and our teacher, Miss O'Herlihy, kept saying stuff like, ‘What are we going to do when the bishop is here?' and ‘You're going to make a holy show of me!' After a while though, it got so easy we could do it in our sleep, and it was really boring, but as Alice said, anything was better than maths.

At lunchtimes, we mostly talked about what we were going to wear for our Confirmation. Melissa told anyone who would listen that she was going to Arnott's in Dublin to buy a designer dress and matching high-heeled shoes. Grace was actually flying to London to buy an outfit, but that didn't seem as bad because she didn't keep going on and on about it.

I didn't say much during these conversations. I never, ever have cool clothes. If it was up to
Mum, she'd knit me a Confirmation dress, or weave it from twigs and leaves or something. Whenever I mentioned Confirmation clothes to Mum she just said,

‘Stop fussing – it's ages away. And Confirmation is a religious occasion – it isn't just about the clothes you know.'

I knew it wasn't just about the clothes, but it might as well be. If I had to wear something totally gross, Melissa would probably laugh out loud when she saw me, and the whole day would be ruined.

So one Saturday, I got up really early and did loads of jobs before Mum and Dad got up. Then I brought them their breakfast in bed. (I even made porridge to get Mum in a good mood.)

My little sister Rosie was already in Mum and Dad's bed, all curled up like a baby. Dad laughed when he saw me coming into their room with the cups and bowls rattling on the tray.

‘What's all this about, Megan?' he said. ‘I suppose you want something.'

I nodded. No point pretending – Mum and Dad could always see through me anyway.

I took a deep breath.

‘Please, please, please can we go and buy me Confirmation clothes today? Everyone else has theirs already, and if I don't get something soon everyone's going to think I'm a total loser.'

Mum sat up in bed so I was able to get a good look at her nightie, which was all faded and about a hundred years old.

‘Don't be so dramatic, Megan,' she said, ‘And I've told you before, anyone who judges you by your clothes doesn't deserve to be your friend.'

I sighed.

‘OK,' I said, ‘Forget the loser thing. But
please
, Mum, will you take me in to town today to buy new clothes?'

Mum thought for a minute.

‘Actually,' she said, ‘I was thinking of tidying out the garden shed today. I thought you might help me. You could––'

Dad interrupted her.

‘Go on, Sheila. Put the poor girl out of her misery. I'll take Rosie to the park, and you two can go shopping.'

As soon as he said this, Rosie popped up her head and said,

‘Yay! We're going to the park,' and everyone laughed – especially me.

An hour later we were in town, and after I'd managed to steer Mum away from the charity shops and the horrible shops that sold grey, hairy, tweedy stuff for grannies, we did OK.

I ended up with really cool white trousers, a blue and white stripy top, and a loose white shirt to wear over it.

On the way back to the car, I was so happy I felt like singing. The impossible had just happened – I was actually going to look normal on my Confirmation day.

Then I had a totally scary thought.

What was Mum going to wear for my big day?

I had to know, but at the same time, I
reeeeally didn't want to know.

This could be a complete disaster.

How would anyone even notice my cool new clothes if Mum was there beside me looking like a weirdo from the dark ages?

‘Er, Mum,' I said, ‘Are you getting something new to wear for my Confirmation?'

She tossed her crazy hair back from her face, and laughed like I'd just told the funniest joke in the world.

‘What a thought!' she said. ‘Sure, haven't I a wardrobe full of clothes at home?'

It was true, she did have a wardrobe full of clothes at home. A wardrobe full of ancient, ugly and totally embarrassing clothes. A wardrobe full of clothes that looked like they belonged in a museum.

While I was still getting over the shock of Mum wearing her old clothes to my Confirmation, she continued,

‘Actually, if I work really hard I could finish the jumper I've been knitting for myself. That
would be nice, wouldn't it?'

I gasped.

Surely she was joking?

She
had
to be joking.

Mum had been knitting this jumper for about two years. It was a huge, shapeless thing, made out of odd scraps of wool left over from other ugly knitting projects. It was a disgusting mixture of orange, red, pink, brown, purple and gross, slimy green. It was as if all the horrible jumpers Mum made me wear when I was small had come back to haunt me. If Mum finished this jumper and wore it to my Confirmation, I might as well just give up forever. I might as well go to the ceremony with the word ‘loser' tattooed in capital letters right across my forehead.

I stopped walking.

‘I know your jumper is going to be beautiful,' I lied, ‘But why don't we go and buy you something new. You deserve it.'

Mum smiled.

‘Thanks love, but if I'm getting something new for myself, I'd prefer a new juice extractor, or maybe a nice new pair of gardening gloves. Still though, it's very kind of you to suggest it. You're a very thoughtful girl, Megan.'

Then, right in the middle of the street, she turned and hugged me. I wriggled free as soon as I could. It was bad enough being seen in town with my mum. If anyone saw her hugging me, my life was over.

Mum didn't even notice how embarrassed I was. She just walked on, muttering to herself.

‘Now, if I work hard, I can finish the left sleeve tonight. I can join in some of that lovely yellow wool from that cardigan I made for Rosie last year, and maybe some of the brown too.'

I felt like throwing myself onto the footpath and crying my eyes out.

I was doomed.

It would take a miracle to get my mum into some decent clothes.

A few days later, the miracle happened.

Dad came home from work waving an envelope over his head. He actually skipped into the kitchen. I'd have been embarrassed if I wasn't laughing so much.

‘I won a prize in the office raffle,' he said. ‘It's the first time I've won in twenty years.'

Mum ran over and tried to grab the envelope from him. (She loves getting stuff for nothing.)

‘What is it, Donal?' she said. ‘What did you win? Is it the voucher for the pellet stove? Or the gardening weekend? I'd just love to go on a gardening weekend.'

Dad shook his head.

‘Sorry, love. It isn't any of those. It's a voucher for a clothes shop.'

He opened the envelope and read,

‘O'Donnell's on Catherine Street. Two hundred and fifty euro. Not bad, eh?'

Mum sighed. ‘Two hundred and fifty euro on clothes. That's an obscene amount. I wouldn't spend that in twenty years.'

She was right. Most of the clothes Mum wore cost fifty cent in the charity shop bargain bin. When she got married she borrowed her wedding dress from a friend of her granny's. Why couldn't she be more like Alice's mum, Veronica, who could spend two hundred and fifty euro on clothes in her coffee break?

I leaned over Dad's shoulder and looked at the voucher. I didn't dare to touch it – it was much too precious for that.

‘Look,' I said to Mum, ‘You have to spend it within three months. So you might as well … buy something new for my Confirmation.'

Mum sighed.

‘But what about my jumper? I only have half a sleeve left to knit, and I have some really nice colours I want to add in. There's a gorgeous purple I want to use.'

Dad saw the look of horror on my face. He winked at me, and patted Mum's arm.

‘You know what the church is like on Confirmation day, Sheila. It's always crowded,
and it'll be far too warm for you to wear your jumper. Why don't you save it for Christmas? Meg is right. Use the voucher and buy something new.'

Mum nodded slowly.

‘I suppose you're right. And it would be a sin to waste your prize.'

I raced over and hugged Dad until he begged for mercy.

So next day, Mum, Rosie and I went to O'Donnell's to buy the new outfit. The lady in there was really nice, and helped us pick out a lovely pale green dress and jacket. When Mum came out of the changing room, Rosie stared at her, and rubbed the dress and said,

‘You look pretty, Mummy!'

Mum gave a kind of shy smile, and for once in her life she really did look pretty.

The only bad moment was when the lady said that once Mum's hair was blow-dried she'd look perfect, and that we all had bad hair days, didn't
we? Mum went as red as the hem of her almost finished jumper. I knew why. The lady was trying to be kind, but how could she know that Mum's hair was always like this – all scraggy and wiry like the scourer we use for washing really dirty pots? How could she know that Mum hadn't had her hair blow-dried since she was about fifteen?

The lady looked at Mum's red face, and realised her mistake. She leaned over and pulled a beautiful floaty scarf from a display. She swirled it around Mum's neck.

‘Here,' she said, ‘Let's throw this in as a little extra – a present from us. It finishes off the outfit just perfectly.'

Mum smiled at her, and went to change back into her dungarees.

A few minutes later, she handed over the voucher, and I dragged her home before she could change her mind.

That night, for the first time ever, I dreamed that I came from a normal family.

T
he morning of my Confirmation was lovely and sunny, so we walked to the church. I don't like walking all that much, but at least it meant that horrible Melissa wouldn't get to see our old, battered car.

I felt really good in my new clothes. I couldn't remember the last time I'd had all new clothes in one go.

Mum's dress made her look kind of young and mysterious, and she had let me tie up her hair with one of my nice clips, so she didn't look like a jungle-monster any more. Dad had his best suit on, and Rosie looked cute in a pretty pink dress that used to belong to our cousin in Cork. So we all strolled along, and I felt really happy with my maybe-not-so-crazy-after-all-family.

When we got to the churchyard, Alice raced over and hugged me. I hugged her back. I was so, so glad that she was there, making her Confirmation with me, instead of making it in Dublin with a big load of strangers.

‘Megan,' she screeched, like she hadn't seen me just the day before. ‘Happy Confirmation day. You look fab. I love that shirt. And your Mum looks double-fab.'

Rosie came over with her thumb in her mouth.

‘What ‘bout me?' she asked.

Alice picked her up and swung her around in the air.

‘You look fabbest of all,' she said, and Rosie put her arms around Alice and gave her one of her special hugs.

Just then Melissa walked past. She had a long, slow look at me and my family, and I could see that it made her really crazy that she couldn't find anything to mock.

I thought Melissa looked totally disgusting. Her super-fancy dress from Dublin was too sparkly and glittery, and she wasn't able to walk properly in her high heels. Her hair was piled up on top of her head in a complicated heap of curls and swirls that looked a bit stupid. (And I couldn't help hoping that a sudden gust of wind would come and mess it all up.)

Melissa's big sister was wearing an ugly long black dress, with huge safety pins stuck all around the sleeves. Her black lipstick made her look like someone who'd escaped from a vampire movie.

Melissa's parents looked all stiff and starchy, like they were going to dinner with the president
or something.

I could have mocked Melissa and her family, but I didn't. I felt too happy.

Soon Miss O'Herlihy came along, and rushed us into the church, and into our seats.

I knew Mum was right – Confirmation isn't about the clothes, but I was so happy not to be a freak for once, I said an extra prayer of thanks in my head.

After the ceremony, we all went across to our school for a little party. Alice, Grace, Louise and I sat on a windowsill, and drank bottles of orange and ate biscuits, and checked out what everyone was wearing.

When it was time to leave, my family had to go and visit loads of boring relations. I'd have preferred a big party with one of those huge, bouncy slide-things, but unfortunately Mum had only got a new dress, not that personality transplant I'd been dreaming of.

Later that evening we went out for dinner
with Alice's family. Alice's mum, Veronica, and my mum wouldn't exactly be friends, but we had bullied them into the idea of a joint Confirmation dinner. Alice's mum agreed because otherwise it would have just been her, Alice's dad, Peter, Alice and her brother Jamie, and that might have been a bit embarrassing. I still don't know why my mum agreed. She'd have preferred a bean curry and brown rice at home.

Anyway, I didn't care, the restaurant was booked, and Mum couldn't back out, even if she wanted to.

We had a really nice time at the restaurant. Alice and I sat next to each other and chatted about our day. Jamie, who used to be really bold, was very good and he and Rosie coloured in about a hundred pictures together.

Dad and Peter talked about soccer, just like they always did.

Mum and Veronica tried really hard. Mum hardly mentioned the environment at all, and Veronica only mentioned shoes twice and
handbags three times.

At the end of the evening we all stood out in the street and said goodbye to each other. Veronica even gave Peter a kiss on the cheek before she left with Alice and Jamie.

I gave a little sigh of happiness. Now everything was OK. I was sure of it. Alice's parents were still separated, but at least they were being sensible about it. Now, I decided, Alice would be able to accept that her parents' relationship was over forever. Now she could put all of her plotting and scheming behind her. Now we could concentrate on enjoying our last few months in sixth class.

I should have known better.