Don't Ask Alice (6 page)

T
wenty minutes later, Mum was up in the attic humming ancient songs as she rummaged through boxes of old junk. Before long, she called me,

‘Come, on up, Megan. You can help me. This is so much fun.'

I thought doing really hard maths homework would be more fun than helping Mum, but I decided not to say this.

‘Sorry, Mum,' I called. ‘I'd love to, but I promised Alice I'd call for her.'

Mum didn't even answer, so I took the
opportunity to escape.

I ran over to Alice's place. Alice laughed when I told her the good news that Mum and Dad were going away.

‘You lucky thing,' she said. ‘A whole weekend without your mum and dad bossing you around. I'm jealous already.'

Then she thought for a minute.

‘Who's going to mind you though? Who does your mother trust to fill you up with organic porridge, and to keep you away from evil things like television and mobile phones?'

I laughed.

‘That's the really great news. My Aunt Linda is coming to mind us. She's really cool – well, I suppose not really,
really
cool, but she's a lot cooler than Mum, that's for sure. She'll promise Mum loads of stuff, but as soon as we're on our own, she'll act like a normal person. It's going to be so—'

Alice put up a hand to stop me. She had that funny look on her face again.

‘I think I remember your Aunt Linda from when she visited before.'

I nodded.

‘Yeah. She comes down about once a year. She never stays long though. After a day or two she starts to get restless and wants to go home. She—'

Alice stopped me again.

‘She's kind of pretty, isn't she?'

Linda's my aunt. I'd never really thought about whether she was pretty before.

‘I don't really know,' I said. ‘She doesn't look much like my mum, and that's a good thing, I suppose. She has nice, shiny, black, curly hair. And she wears cool clothes. Well, cool for an aunt anyway.'

Why was Alice grinning so much?

And why was she suddenly so interested in my Aunt Linda?

By now Alice was looking like she'd just won the lottery.

‘Linda never got married, did she?' she asked.

Suddenly everything became clear.

‘No way!' I said. ‘No
way
are you going to involve my aunt in one of your crazy plans.'

Alice ignored me.

‘She's not married though, is she?'

I shook my head.

‘Not last time I asked.'

‘And does she have a boyfriend?'

I was fairly certain that Linda didn't have a boyfriend. I'd heard Mum and Dad talking about that very subject just a few weeks earlier. This was crazy though. Alice was getting carried away as usual.

Alice shook my shoulder.

‘Come on, Meg. Tell me. Does Linda have a boyfriend?'

‘Not that I know of,' I said quietly.

Alice gave a big happy shout.

‘That's settled then. We'll arrange a little romance between Dad and Linda, make sure Mum gets to hear of it, and before we know it, Mum will be begging Dad to let her move back
in. Simple.'

I walked away from her and looked out the window. Alice's old swings were swaying in the breeze. We used to spend hours on those swings, chatting about stupid things. I thought about how easy things were when her parents were together, and all Alice and I had to do all day long was hang out, and do fun stuff.

At Easter, when Alice and her mum moved back to Limerick, I thought everything was going to be OK again.

Suddenly I felt really selfish – I had got what I wanted. My best friend was back, and I never really stopped to think that she was still upset that her parents didn't live together any more. I thought that since they lived near to each other, everything was fine. How totally stupid was that?

Alice came over and stood next to me. She spoke quietly.

‘Linda will only be here for a few days. It's a perfect opportunity, and we can't let it pass us
by. Please help me, Meg. Just this one more time.'

I put my head down. As far as I could see I had two choices – I could agree to help Alice right now, or I could let her spend the next week persuading me, and then agree. Whatever happened, I knew I'd end up in the middle of another crazy Alice plan, sooner or later.

Suddenly I felt tired of it all. I was in sixth class. This was supposed to be a fun year, the best year of primary school, maybe the best of my whole life – and I'd already spent half of it running around helping Alice with stupid plans that never worked properly anyway.

Alice left my side and went to sit on her bed. After a minute, I turned around to look at her. Her face was so sad, it made me want to cry. What kind of a friend was I if I only liked her when she was happy?

I went and stood beside her.

‘No crazy stuff this time, OK?'

She jumped up and hugged me.

‘I promise,' she said. ‘No crazy stuff at all. It'll be a crazy-free zone. Thanks, Meg. You're the best friend I could ever have.'

I tried to smile, but I couldn't.

The rest of that week was very strange. Mum kept arriving down from the attic carrying bundles of revolting brightly-coloured clothes. She'd toss them onto the kitchen table with big happy sighs.

‘Aaaaah,' she'd say. ‘Everything was so simple and bright and happy in those days.'

Mostly I ignored her, or sometimes when it got too much I pretended to vomit. Mum never seemed to mind. It was as if she'd already vanished from us and gone back to her past, where I didn't even exist yet.

One day, when Dad got home from work Mum waved a big heap of denim in front of his face. He took it from her, and held it up. I giggled. It was the old denim dungarees he'd had on in the photograph.

‘Look, Donal,' Mum said. ‘Remember these? You can wear them to the festival at the weekend.'

Dad went pale.

‘I don't think so, Sheila. They're … well, they're ancient history aren't they? I like to think I've moved on a bit since then.'

Mum hugged him.

‘Go on. Try them on, please, for me.'

Dad looked very uncomfortable as he went out in to the hall. Seconds later he shuffled back into the room. Even Mum had to laugh. Dad looked so pathetic it was hard to believe. He looked like someone in a very, very bad fancy dress outfit. Rosie even looked a bit scared. She went over and half-hid behind Mum's legs.

‘Daddy's a loser,' she said.

Dad made a face at Mum.

‘Happy?' he said. ‘Even my own daughter thinks I look ridiculous.'

Mum put her hand over her mouth and tried to stop laughing.

‘OK, so maybe you shouldn't wear these. I'll look in the attic for something else.'

Dad shook his head.

‘Actually, Sheila, you won't. I'm wearing my normal jeans or I'm not going. OK?'

Mum was quiet for a minute, and then she nodded.

‘I suppose so. Now I wonder if I can find your old sandals?'

‘
Sheila
.'

Now Dad sounded really cross.

Mum backed down.

‘OK, no more old stuff I promise. Now get changed again. The lentil stew is almost ready.'

After dinner Mum put away all the crazy clothes, and went back to work on ‘
The List
'.

This was her list of instructions for Linda. All stupid stuff like:

Dad leaned over her shoulder and started to read.

‘Linda's your sister.' he said. ‘Don't you trust her to mind the girls properly?'

Mum looked all stressed.

‘I do trust her – sort of. I'd just like to think that she's doing things my way, that's all.'

Dad went back to his paper.

‘Whatever,' he said.

I smiled to myself. Poor Mum. Linda had only minded Rosie and me once before, for an afternoon, and in that time she managed to break almost every one of Mum's stupid rules. Mum could write all the lists she liked, I knew Linda would ignore every single word. We were going to have so much fun – I knew it already.

Now all I had to worry about was Alice and her crazy plan.

L
inda arrived on Friday afternoon. She was a bit late, so Mum and Dad had to leave almost immediately. Mum stood in the hall and hugged Rosie and me like hugs were going out of fashion.

‘Oh my precious little babies,' she said, ‘I am going to miss you so, so much.'

Dad grinned at me over Mum's shoulder.

‘If we don't get moving, Sheila,' he said, ‘It'll be too late to pitch the tent and we'll have to
book in to a hotel.'

Mum let go of Rosie and me like we were on fire.

‘No way. No hotels for us. We're camping, just like we did the last time.'

She backed out the door.

‘Bye girls. Love you both. Be good. Bye Linda. I left a list of instructions on the kitchen table. I'll phone you tomorrow to see how you're getting on. Bye girls. Love you lots. Do what Linda tells you. Don't forget…'

By now Mum was in the car and Dad was driving away. Soon they were out of sight, and if Mum was still giving instructions, it didn't matter because we couldn't hear them anymore.

Linda took Rosie by the hand and the three of us went into the kitchen. Linda picked up ‘
The List
' and read it carefully. Then she stuck it onto the fridge, with the writing turned in.

‘I'm in charge now,' she said.

She reached into her handbag,

‘Anyone feel like a Mars Bar?'

Rosie and I ran and grabbed the chocolate. This was going to be so, so good. This was going to be like Christmas – only better.

Pity there was just one small problem.

A few minutes later, the problem rang the doorbell.

I let Alice in and brought her in to the kitchen. Linda gave her a bar of chocolate too. I wondered if she'd have been quite so nice if she'd known exactly what Alice had planned for her.

While Linda played with Rosie, Alice and I went to my room.

Alice threw herself on to my bed.

‘I've learned a lot from the thing with Miss O'Herlihy,' she said.

‘Like what?' I said. ‘Like not meddling in your father's love life?'

She shook her head.

‘No. Not that actually. This time we're going to take things more slowly. We'll let Dad and Linda meet tonight, just for a minute, just long enough for them to kind of wonder about each
other, and then tomorrow we'll get down to the serious stuff.'

I sighed.

‘So how are we going to get them to meet tonight?'

‘Duh. That's easy. I just stay here until Dad calls me for tea.'

‘But he won't come over here. He'll phone you, like he always does.'

Alice smiled.

‘He can phone, but it won't do him a whole lot of good.'

I didn't bother asking what she meant by that – I knew I'd find out sooner or later.

After about twenty minutes, Alice's phone rang. It played a really cool tune, and a whole row of lights began flashing up and down the side of the phone. For about the millionth time I wished that Mum and Dad would escape from the Dark Ages and let me have a phone.

Alice grinned at me, and picked up her phone.

‘It's Dad. I'll put him on speaker,' she said, as
she pressed a button.

‘Hello?' she said.

‘Alice, it's time for you to come home for tea.'

Peter's voice was as clear as if he was standing next to us.

‘Hello?' said Alice again, slightly louder this time.

Peter's reply was louder too.

‘It's Dad. I said it's time to come home for tea.'

‘Hello?' said Alice for the third time. ‘Who is this? You'll have to speak up.'

‘I said – Come. Home. For. Tea.' This time it sounded as if Peter was standing right next to me and shouting in my ear.

Alice grinned at me.

‘I'm sorry, whoever you are,' she said. ‘You keep breaking up on me. Why don't you try calling back later?'

‘Alice, if you don't––' began her dad, but Alice clicked off her phone.

‘Oops,' she said. ‘He seems to have got cut
off.'

Then she gave a big fake sigh.

‘Mobile phones these days. They're so unreliable.'

I had to laugh, but I was thinking that I would never, ever be brave enough to do what Alice had just done. (Anyway, if Mum has her way, I'll never get the chance, as I won't ever have a phone.)

Three minutes later, Alice's little brother Jamie was at the front door.

‘Dad says come home for tea,' he said. ‘And if you ever again do that stupid trick of pretending not to hear him on the phone, he's going to take it from you and keep it for six months.'

I giggled until Alice made me stop by glaring at me.

I was glad her dad hadn't called over to pick her up, but not for long.

‘Don't worry,' Alice whispered as she left. ‘I have a plan B. See you after tea, and I'll tell you all about it.'

Half an hour later she was back. She dragged me into the garage, and opened the fuse box.

‘Lucky this is the same as the one in my house,' she said. ‘That makes things a bit easier.'

I was starting to feel scared.

‘What exactly are you doing? I don't think Mum and Dad will be too happy if you blow up the house.'

She made a face at me.

‘I'm not totally stupid you know.'

Then she reached up and flicked a switch marked
Lights
.

‘All I've done is switch off the lights. Will Linda know how to fix them do you think?'

I shook my head.

‘Linda is totally useless at stuff like that. Mum always teases her that she has to call an electrician to change a plug.'

Alice gave a happy smile.

‘That's what I hoped. So later on, when it gets dark, Dad will have to come and save the day. Linda will be so impressed that she'll be dying to
see him again tomorrow.'

I wasn't so sure about that, but as Alice's plans go, this one seemed harmless enough, so I said nothing and we went back into the house to wait for it to get dark.

Some time later, Linda, Rosie, Alice and I were lying on the floor in the family room watching our second hour of television. I was full from the yummy Chinese takeaway we'd had for tea, and the three bags of crisps and the litre bottle of lemonade that we'd finished between us.

Alice nudged me. I repeated the line she'd made me practise earlier.

‘It's getting a bit dark, isn't it?'

Linda ignored me. She was busy feeding Rosie even more crisps.

Five minutes later, Alice tried.

‘It's getting a bit dark. Will I put the light on, Linda?'

This time Linda paid attention.

‘Sure. Thanks, Alice.'

Alice got up and made a big production of flicking the switch.

‘Doesn't seem to be working,' she said.

Now Linda sat up.

‘Probably just the bulb.'

Alice ran into the kitchen and loudly flicked the lights.

‘No, they're all broken.'

Now Linda stood up.

‘Oh well,' she said. ‘It's too late to get the lights fixed tonight. It'll be fun sitting here by candlelight. Where does your mum keep the candles, Megan?'

Alice poked me hard in the ribs.

‘Er, em, we don't have any candles,' I said. ‘Mum em… she…'

Alice dived in.

‘Megan's mum thinks candles are a fire hazard. She doesn't allow them in the house.'

Linda made a face.

‘That
does
sound like Sheila. But what will we do, Megan? I don't fancy a whole night in the
dark. Do you know the name of your electrician? Do you think he'd come out at night?'

Alice grinned at her.

‘You don't need an electrician. I'll get my dad. He's brilliant at stuff like this.'

‘Are you sure?' asked Linda. ‘I wouldn't like to bother him.'

Alice nodded.

‘Sure I'm sure. He's very kind-hearted. He'd love to help.'

Minutes later Peter was at the door. It took him about three seconds to figure out that the fuse switch had tripped. He flicked it back, and the house lit up instantly. Linda clapped her hands like Peter had just performed a magic trick.

Peter looked puzzled.

‘That really shouldn't happen,' he said. ‘But call me if the lights go out again.'

Linda smiled at him.

‘Thank you so, so much. I don't know what we'd have done without you.'

Peter smiled back at her.

‘Don't mention it,' he said.

Then he went back home, whistling as he went.

‘What a nice, helpful man,' Linda said as she closed the front door.

Alice smiled as she whispered in my ear.

‘Did you hear that? She said he was nice. And did you hear Dad whistling? He only whistles when he's really happy. I think they like each other. We're halfway there. I'm looking forward to tomorrow already.'

I wanted to know what she had planned, but at the same time, I didn't want to know. It didn't matter anyway, as it didn't look like she was going to tell me.

Alice went towards the door.

‘Time I went home,' she said. ‘Get a good night's sleep, Meg. You're going to need it. Tomorrow is going to be a very busy day.'