Divinely Living (Surviving Series) (6 page)

Rather than repulse me as the mention of my ass usually did, a faint spark of arousal ignited within my stomach. A spark I intended to cut before it spread further.

“I don’t do anal and you know why,” I replied without hesitation, although the hint of disappointment I felt when I spoke the words confused me.

“When we make love the main focus is pleasure, not pain. I can’t help but want my cock to claim every piece of you as its own. Your perfect, pert arse included.”

Curiosity pricked at me. “You sound as though you’re talking from experience.”

His lips skimmed across my shoulder. “I’ve never made love to a woman before you but yes I’ve indulged in anal sex before.”

“With Darcy?” The question left my lips before I could stop it.

Jonah’s body tensed against my back and fell silent before answering. “Yes, I fucked her up the arse once or twice.”

Jealousy flowed through me with powerful force. “And did you enjoy it with her?”

Sighing heavily, his hair tickled my shoulder as his head fell against it. “Ava, do we really need to go there?”

“Yes, yes we do.” As much as thoughts of Jonah up her pretty ass filled my stomach with burning bile, a part of me needed to know.

My back suddenly fell cold as Jonah rolled to my side and faced me. His piercing blue eyes burned through me, the depths of sincerity almost intimidating. “Why do you need to know about worthless, meaningless sex I shared with someone I once classed as nothing more than a friend? The thought of you sharing your sexual past with me makes me feel homicidal. The last thing I want to hear is how another man pleasured you and made you come.”

He had a point. Did I really want to torture myself with the truth? Seeing Darcy with Jonah, a woman who aesthetically matched his own beauty in ways I was incapable of achieving, had reinforced what my insecure side had always believed. Jonah Jacobson was way out of my lowly league and I needed his reassurance that I was good enough more than I realised. So hell yeah I wanted to know.

“You looked so good together,” I said in a flat but truthful tone. “Sex between the two of you must have been equally as good.”

As if he could read my twisted thoughts, Jonah cursed beneath his breath. “Christ Ava, when the hell are you going to stop looking at yourself as not worthy? I’m the one who has never been worthy sweetheart.”

“I never said I wasn’t nor was that what I meant,” I lied. “But come on, two people as hot as you and she had to be hot between the sheets also.”

His jaw clenched and his eyes narrowed. “Sex with Darcy was dull and empty, usually occurring when I was either intoxicated or too exhausted to object. She instigated it, I ended it then I left.”

“But you fucked her up the ass. That’s a deeply intimate act involving a shit load of trust. She wouldn’t have allowed you to if she didn’t care for you on some level.”

“I don’t give a shit whether she cared about me or not. I didn’t care for her and she knew it. I didn’t want or need her trust because I didn’t care.”

Arching a brow in question, he ran a warm hand down my arm, over my hips and round to my behind. I shivered under his touch as he slipped a single finger between the cheeks of my ass.

“Do you trust me, Ava?” he said in a low voice. “In a physical sense I mean. Do you trust me to take care of you and only push you as far as your boundaries will allow you to go?”

I nodded without thinking about or questioning his statement. Emotionally the distrust was still there hanging over me like a persistent dark cloud that would not fuck the hell off. Physically, I had complete trust that he would never take more than I was willing to give freely.

The finger placed between the soft partings of flesh began to lightly rub against the small opening making my body quiver in nervous anticipation. My mind spun in a whirlwind of mixed emotions as he continued the stroking sensation that should have had me screaming in sheer terror, but didn’t. I found my back arching in response to his touch, my heart thumping painfully as a slow burn infused within my core. I moaned softly as he pressed gently against my back entrance, the tip of his finger barely penetrating the area that had been so viciously defiled against my will. Shudders of pleasure tore across my skin as Jonah’s tongue traced the curve of my spine from the nape of my neck to my lower back before pressing a firm kiss on each cheek of my ass. “You have the most delicious rear, Ava.”

“Jonah,” I whispered. “This is dangerous territory for me.”

His hot breath skittered across my skin as he spoke. “Tell me to stop and I will. Tell me not to stop and I won’t.” His finger pressed harder, nudging the tip deeper still. “I’ll fuck you anyway you want me to sweetheart, but fucking your arse, fucking away the memories that make you afraid to say yes, that would be the ultimate confirmation of your trust in me Ava. You can’t possibly fathom how much I need that right now.”

I tensed as his finger delved further into the tightness. He felt foreign, uncomfortable but shamefully erotic; in ways I never thought I would be able to experience. Fear fringed the pleasure, a fear embedded far into my damaged soul. A chill seeped through my tired bones and dread oozed into my stomach as he continued to apply pressure in attempt to gain entry. My throat tightened and chest burned as my lungs became depleted of air. The first signs of anxiety rose within me as memories of Alex, and that night and the aftermath, swept like paralysis through me. “No more, Jonah,” I panted as breathing became more difficult. “I can’t go there. Not even with you.”

“Shit, Ava, I’m sorry.” Concern weighed heavy in Jonah’s husky Irish voice. Instantly his finger was removed and strong arms were pulling me into his heated torso. Shakes rippled through me as ice cold remembrance threatened to pull me under. Although it had been some time since my last anxiety attack, a side effect of my rape that plagued my existence ever since, the first signs were unmistakable. The last time one had struck, the only cure had been Jonah. I needed him to provide that same solace, and remedy now, before the memories grabbed hold and dragged me down into that dark, desolate place I never wanted to be taken to again.

Rolling to my side, I threw my arms around the neck of the man who could keep me from the darkness and clung on. My lips found his with force, my tongue delving into his mouth with unrelenting need. He groaned loudly as I wrapped my leg around his waist and pulled him closer, his now hard cock hot against the lips of my sex. I whimpered as the head brushed against the soreness of the slick flesh surrounding my clit as he gripped my ass and sought closer contact.

“Fuck it away, Jonah, God, just fuck me please,” I begged against his lips. Every nerve ending I possessed screamed for his attention, pleaded to be touched and fucked by the only medication I had ever found that could erase the memory of Alex and the torment that came when I remembered.

A firm hand slipped between my open thighs and two fingers slipped inside the wetness of my sex with ease. “Christ, you’re always so ready for me,” Jonah hissed through clenched teeth, his eyes closing tightly as he gently slid both fingers in and out of my sex in a slow, tantalising rhythm. “Fuck, Ava,” his voice was almost a croak, “You’re full of me, and I can feel my come mixed with yours clinging to my fingers.”

Urgency pricked at me, the pending anxiety attack showing no signs of relenting any time soon. “I don’t have time for seduction and sweet talk,” I urged while placing a hand around his bulging cock. Moaning deeply as I slipped my hand up his shaft, tugging on his foreskin, he flexed his hips while in my hold. He felt heavy, hot and hard as rock in my palm, primed and ready to fuck. I shuddered with desire, the need to lose myself in the way only he was able to make me, rocketed my libido to that pivotal point where the race to seek sanctuary became the main focus. Guiding his cock towards my greedy opening, I sunk my teeth into his bottom lip and revelled in the growl he gave in return. “Now Jonah.”

With a roll of his hips, his hardness tore through the lingering soreness from the previous night and morning’s arduous sex session and claimed me with one hard thrust. His mouth clashed with mine, our tongues mimicking the motion of our bodies as they slid against each other. The dull throb within my breasts was partially soothed as his hand found one of them and squeezed hard. Moaning loudly, I matched his rhythm as we rocked against each other, the sweet tang of pain with each push as he filled me to full capacity edging me closer to release. The scent of sweat and hard sex hung dense in the air as he fucked me to the point I needed and sought. As his thrusts intensified, all thoughts of anything but the man fucking me closer to orgasm disappeared and the almost shield of numbness to all sensations and feelings other than Jonah inside me, slid easily into place. I opened my thighs wider, allowing him deeper penetration as the slow burn of ecstasy began to smoulder within my groin. A hand fisted my hair, holding my head in place as he groaned into my mouth before kissing me with bruising force. “You always feel so damn good,” he whispered across my swollen lips, his hand leaving my hair and banding around my small waist, clutching me closer. “You always make me come so hard.”

In one swift movement he fell onto his broad back so I was straddling him. Pushing himself into a sitting position, the overwhelming feeling of fullness as we sat nose to nose, connected in the most intimate way a man and woman could be, the pain of being filled to my limit made me gasp loudly. “Hush,” he whispered across my lips, fisting my hair in both hands and setting his azure irises firmly on me. “I know it hurts to take all of me baby but I need you to. Feel me, Ava, feel all of me. I love you so much, bear the pain and let me love you.”

“God, Jonah,” I breathed as I gazed into the insanely handsome face of the person who could rip my soul to shreds with the fewest of words.

Rubbing his nose against mine before kissing the tip, his hands withdrew from my long locks, an arm supporting my spine, the other pinning me onto his cock by the waist. Slowly he began to move, bucking upwards into me, his cock using the wetness of my sex to enter and withdraw in fluid slides. Placing both my hands on his shoulders, I pushed up on my knees and descended his full length until he was balls-deep, within me. Repeating the motion over and over, my core tightened and every muscle within my groin clenched down hard as I moved closer to orgasm. Sensing I was close, Jonah arched my back, angling me to his preferred position as my sex widened to give him deeper access. I screamed his name as his fingers found my hardened clit and massaged, pushing me over the edge and crashing to release.

“Jesus,” he hissed as my juices ran freely, drenching his cock in come and offering him an easier, slicker passage. Gripping my hips fiercely, he locked me down; the swell of his cock signalling his own release was imminent. I pulled him close, his pants of pleasure flowing across the skin of my throat as he fought to reach orgasm. His back muscles tensed beneath my hands, his body stilling in rigidity as the orgasm tore through him. Unable to move, the flood of semen spilled into me with brutal force, overflowing from my sex in vast amounts. His head fell to my shoulder, the sweat beading his forehead mingling with my own as he attempted to control his harsh breathing. My fingers tangled through his damp hair as I pressed a kiss to his temple and said with such conviction it shocked me. “I love you Jacobson.” And I knew without a hint of doubt, I meant every one of those three little words.

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A torrent of scorching hot water reigned down on me, as I stood motionless under the shower. Usually after sex with Jonah my mind was clear, my demeanour relaxed and my soul fully sated. This time felt different. Despite the soreness between my thighs and ache in my muscles and feeling as satisfied after love making with Jonah as I had from day one, something was wrong, I could feel it. Doubt still stabbed at me. Confusion still ate away at me. The pain of discovering his deceit still clung to my heart, placing a barrier between the two of us that I had no idea was there until now. I loved him, craved him and wanted him. That much still remained. But that small voice in my head that constantly doubted his intentions and questioned his motives began to heighten in volume instilling unease and distrust.

He may have answered partial questions and offered basic answers to my probing, but the biggest question of all still remained. What the fuck did Benjamin Jacobson want with my money and why the hell did he feel the need to have Jonah do his bidding? Jonah’s reluctance to tell me why only reinforced what I had begun to suspect. The truth would probably be more than I could handle, more than I could take. And in his warped sense of protection towards me, Jonah’s failure to relieve the doubt by confessing all was achieving the opposite. The more he clammed up, the more I
surmised and that was only heading for disaster. I knew me, knew how I handled situations that were difficult for me to process, self preservation kicked in, and those closest to me paid the price. My natural instinct was to shut down, close myself off from the world and sink into a place of dark numbness that I always thought sheltered me and offered me comfort. Events of the last few months told me that instead of helping; they served as nothing more than a temporary delay tactic, which, when I eventually had to deal with the issue, the impact proved to be worse than if I had just dealt with things head on. Burying my head in the sand simply didn’t work for me anymore. Pretending that being alone, relying on no one and remaining emotionally detached was no longer the way I wanted to live. Jonah had not only awakened my sexual needs but also invigorated my soul, opening me wide to pain and suffering as well as love and human warmth. After living a life filled with empty, deprived hurt, barely surviving the traumas of my past, he had injected a new way of living that seemed almost divine at times. Divinely living compared to barely surviving was beyond what I could have imagined and now I had tasted it, held it in my hands, I couldn’t allow myself to regress into old ways and cave to old ingrained habits.