Diva Diaries (34 page)
Authors: Janine A. Morris
75
Gold Digger
D
akota didn't know where she found the courage, or really why she even wanted him to, but she had just told Tony that she wanted him to move in with her. She was getting tired of being alone. This pregnancy had made her even more emotional, and every night lying in the bed by herself felt twice as lonely. After spending Valentine's night alone last night, she didn't know if she could take it anymore. Before she could do things to remind herself she wasn't lonely, like invite someone else over or make a nice, cold drink and kick back and watch some television or read a book. She was able to spend Dakota time, but now that she couldn't call anybody over and she couldn't drink, she felt like she was having too much Dakota time. Besides, she was having a babyâshe wanted somebody there to tend to her, and take care of her. She didn't want to have a depressing pregnancy. Every woman wants the father of her child around during these months; it was most of the fun of pregnancy.
akota didn't know where she found the courage, or really why she even wanted him to, but she had just told Tony that she wanted him to move in with her. She was getting tired of being alone. This pregnancy had made her even more emotional, and every night lying in the bed by herself felt twice as lonely. After spending Valentine's night alone last night, she didn't know if she could take it anymore. Before she could do things to remind herself she wasn't lonely, like invite someone else over or make a nice, cold drink and kick back and watch some television or read a book. She was able to spend Dakota time, but now that she couldn't call anybody over and she couldn't drink, she felt like she was having too much Dakota time. Besides, she was having a babyâshe wanted somebody there to tend to her, and take care of her. She didn't want to have a depressing pregnancy. Every woman wants the father of her child around during these months; it was most of the fun of pregnancy.
He was staying over this night, but this was the first time in a while, and she felt like expressing her true feelings. Tony didn't seem to be responding very positively to Dakota's suggestion.
“Why do you think I should move in?” he asked.
“Because I need you here with me and you're not around.”
“Dakota, what do you need me for? You're only five monthsâyou can still do things for yourself.”
“I need you emotionally,” she replied.
“Babe, I can't move in with you. I'm not ready for all of that.”
“Then I can move in with you, at least through the pregnancy,” she suggested.
“D, I'm not ready for that, either.”
She didn't know if it was the hormones, but she started to get angry. “Why not, Tony? Why can't I get the same respect you give Jonelle? Why do I have to be here by myself all the time? When you gonna do something to shut
me
up and make
me
happy?”
me
up and make
me
happy?”
“Dakota, you're bugging me right now ... first of all, this baby isn't going to change our level of commitment. Second, stop worrying about what I do with Jonelle. You're not her and we have had this talk a million timesâI'm not having it anymore.”
“What are you saying? Jonelle is more important than me?” Dakota asked.
“I'm not saying anything. Dakota, I care about you, I'm going to be here for you and our child. I promise you that, but I can't promise you much more than that. As for Jonelle, I told you she was down with me for yearsâI just can't make y'all equal overnight.”
“Yes, day one has to be before you had potential, before you were a prospect, that's day one. That bitch knew you were going pro when she met youâthat doesn't count.”
“Dakota, you need to stop. You're really emotional right now, and I don't want to fight with you.”
He turned over in the bed on his side as if he was getting ready to go to sleep. Dakota wasn't done.
“I'm not fighting with youâI just don't understand why I get so little. At least I am independentâyou don't have to take care of me. I do Dakota; Jonelle just lies around at home mooching off of you.”
“Don't worry about all of thatâme and you do our thing and me and Jonelle do ours.”
“Fine, Tony. I'm not going to just take what you give me.”
“What's that mean?” he asked.
“You are going to have to start to consider my feelings or this isn't going to be pretty.”
“Are you threatening me?”
“It's not a threat,” she assured him.
“All I know, Dakota, is if you ever take me to court for child support, I'm done with you.”
“Why would I have to?”
“I'm just saying that we aren't a committed couple or something ...” he answered.
She interrupted, “Don't flatter yourselfâI'm not hung up on you being my man like that.”
“Well, then, why you stressing what I do with Jonelle, and talking about her being with me because I'm pro? It feels like that's why you're trying to be with me.”
Dakota sat up in the bed mighty fast. “Nigga, you ain't proâyou don't play ball no more. Your weak-ass football career is over.”
He sat up slightly as well. She was pissed and now he was pissed. “I may not be pro no more, but I ain't over, and I ain't that weak because you have been sweating to be with me ...” he said, clearly trying to say words that hurt.
“I can get ten times better than youâyou have got the wrong one.”
“They don't come ten times better than me.”
“Get the hell out,” she said.
“What? You kicking me out?”
“Yup, get the hell out.”
She had stood up beside the bed and put her hand on her hip.
“I know you never been kicked out beforeâyou probably not used to messing with women with their own shit.”
“One of my women owns your building.”
“Well, go stay with one of them tonight,” she said.
Tony had gotten out of the bed and started to get dressed. They were both still mumbling shit to each other until he was putting his Timberlands on. He walked to the door and out of it, and Dakota closed the door very loudly behind him.
76
Broken Vows
J
ordan finally woke up one day and realized she had come to terms with the fact that life was different. Omar had moved into his own place out in Queens and he had picked up pretty much all of his things one day when she was at work. She stopped wearing her wedding ring, and she removed his name from her bank account.
ordan finally woke up one day and realized she had come to terms with the fact that life was different. Omar had moved into his own place out in Queens and he had picked up pretty much all of his things one day when she was at work. She stopped wearing her wedding ring, and she removed his name from her bank account.
She felt like they were getting divorced, even though they hadn't gotten to that stage yet. She knew that was only a matter of time, but she wasn't mentally ready for that and neither was he, she assumed, because he hadn't brought it up yet.
Things were going great with Jordan and Jayon, but the mourning for her marriage made it hard to enjoy their relationship one hundred percent. Jayon was understanding, thoughâhe tried to make it as easy as he could. He never complained when she would vent about what Omar had done, he let her express her pain, and not once did he say he was tired of hearing it. Even though Jayon had become her lover, he was still her friend first and that made things so much easier.
Jason spent a lot of weekends with Omar, and those were the weekends she used to get caught up on work she didn't get to during the week since she had to be home earlier to be with Jason. There were times that she thought Omar did this to force her to be home, and be with Jason. She knew Omar wasn't that selfless, though; this wasn't about Jason's welfare. If it was, he wouldn't be breaking up his family structure. With those spare weekends, she also spent time on herself. She went shopping, she went to the spa, and she and Jayon went away a couple of times, and those were the weekends that she healed herself.
Jason, like most kids, would tell her things that Omar said from time to time. Stuff like he wanted Jason to come live with him, or he wished he was at home with him and Mommy. She didn't know what to take for face value, so she tried never to read into it. She also was very careful what she said around Jason or what Jayon said around him, because she was sure Jason would run and tell Omar as well. It also seemed like Jason was starting to question Jayon's constant presence. He always knew Jayon to be Mommy's best friend and colleague, and he wasn't used to seeing him too often except for special occasions. Now he was around all the time, and Jason asked one day why Mr. Jay was over a lot. Jordan told him, because he is making sure that she was OK while Daddy is away. It was a downplay of the truth.
She was almost hundred percent adjusted to her new life. It was strange the nights that she slept in her bed alone, and she still cried a lot. This wasn't the life she would have chosen for herself. She wanted a successful marriage just as badly as she wanted a successful career. She just didn't have what it took to manage both well. It hurt her that she failed at her marriage, but it hurt more that she had an unsupportive husband who would leave her the way he did. Jayon helped that aspect of things. Some people thought it was too soon for her to be intimate with somebody else, but that was what she needed. To have no intimacy would just make it harder. Besides, that was a display of her strengthâshe had to bounce back. She couldn't let Omar take everything away from her that easily.
Jordan was an attorneyâfiling their divorce papers would be simple, but for some reason it was the hardest thing for her to do. She was fine with the separation and going their separate ways, but the divorce part felt so final. She had always said she would never get a divorce. Her parents didn't, even when they were separated, and they were separated for many years. They never got divorced, and after many years they moved back in together and spent their older years together, still married. It was her thing, but she knew that she and Omar couldn't live like this forever. She didn't know where things would go with her and Jayon but she was sure that being technically married would be a hindrance to any serious plans.
She knew it was probably necessaryâshe just wasn't in a rush. Jayon hadn't mentioned it much and neither did Omar. She wasn't going to be the one to bring it up. She just didn't want Jayon to think she wasn't ready to move on. He had expressed to her that he would like to get married and have some kids, and he always thought she would be the perfect wife for him. Jordan knew that Jayon would be an ideal man to spend the rest of her years with as well; she just wasn't ready to take any major steps. She didn't know what Omar was doing in his love life or why he hadn't brought it up, but she also wasn't ready to serve him with divorce papers and she wasn't sure if she ever would be.
77
Heart to Heart
I
t was long overdue, and Chrasey was at her breaking point. When Keith moved back in, it was under the pretense that they would be working on their marriage. For some reason it didn't feel like they were doing anything of the sort. Things felt worse than they were before he left.
t was long overdue, and Chrasey was at her breaking point. When Keith moved back in, it was under the pretense that they would be working on their marriage. For some reason it didn't feel like they were doing anything of the sort. Things felt worse than they were before he left.
The phone call from Lourdes, the flowers from Trevorâtheir infidelities were the constant center of attention in their house. Even the silence between them reminded them of everything that was wrong. Thankfully, their kids were young enough to be unaware of what was going on around them. In a few more years, though, if they didn't fix this, they would notice the lack of love and affection between her and their father. They would hear her crying at night, they would wonder where Daddy was the nights he came home late, they would hear and understand their arguments, and they would feel the effects of having unloving parents. She didn't want to do that to them. Having your parents together isn't everythingâit's worse to witness the pain they put each other through. She knew that she and Keith had options, but affecting their children wasn't one of them. He could go live with Lourdes and his bastard daughter before she would tolerate that.
So, they were heading out to Fresh Meadows, where he proposed. They were supposed to be having a talk about everything, and trying to make a plan on how to make things better. While they were driving, Keith had his station on CD 101.9. Keith loved his jazz, and listening to it with him lit her up inside. It made her remember the days they would go out to jazz clubs and she would go over to see him and he would have a dinner cooked for them and his jazz playing. That was when she was falling deeper and deeper in love with Keith. He wasn't like most menâhe was mature and classy. He wasn't a man of the streets; he was a family man who preferred to stay home than run the streets. She loved the things that made him happyâhe was a rare kind of man and she was proud that he chose her.
They were a few exits away from the park, and she reached in the backseat to get her purse and noticed a small, colorful thing on the floor. She looked at it a little closerâit was obviously a child's toy. She picked it up with her purse and held it in her hand in the front seat. It made noise, and Keith looked to see what she had in her hand. When he saw it, he looked at her to see her facial expression. She just looked back at him.
“I had to take them to the doctor,” he said in a scared but honest tone.
“When was this?” she asked very calmly.
“Yesterday.”
She just put her head down and shook it. He said nothing. She looked back up and started to stare out the window.
“Sorry I didn't tell you,” he said.
“That's the thing, KeithâI don't even expect you to.”
“What's that mean?”
“It's like you're leading a double life.”
“Chrase, I know this is all my fault, but there are certain things that I have to do. It's not about her, it's about the baby.”
“You don't have to explain that to me. You don't have to play family man, you don't have to go to the doctor with them as long as she gets seen,” she said.
“She didn't have a way,” he explained.
“Let her find a wayâyou're not her husband.”
He just fell silent.
Their talk was already ruined. They were a few minutes from the park, and Chrasey already wanted to go back home. When they got to the park, Keith put the car in drive and sat back. They didn't say anything for a couple of minutes. Then Keith finally spoke.
“Listen, Chrasey, a lot has gone wrong in our marriage the last couple of years, and I take the blame for my part. I know what I did will be an issue for us for the rest of our livesâI am only hoping that we can love each other enough to get through it.”
She took a few seconds to reply. “Keith, I want us to get through it, too. I didn't marry you and have two kids with you for us not to end up together. What you did was more than cause an issueâyou broke our trust, and you brought another child into this world. I will never be able to erase the pain from that. I take the blame for my part, too. Maybe I should have tried harder to fix things, maybe I didn't do enough at home. Who knows? I just know that unless we rebuild our trust and communication, we don't stand a chance.”
“I am willing to do my part, and if you are willing to be understanding about my situation, I am willing to be understanding about yours.”
It sounded good, but in the back of Chrasey's mind she wondered how long it would last. He had apologized before, he had said he would change before; still, they were sitting in the car at the park where they got engaged, trying to get some of their positive energy back. She prayed more than anything that they had what it took. She wanted to believe that Keith wasn't still dealing with or sleeping with Lourdes. She prayed that he was really willing to understandâeven more, she prayed that she could understand. Why would God bless her when she had anger and hate toward an innocent baby, she wondered. She was ashamed to admit it, but she hated her for being born just as much as she hated Lourdes for being a whore and lying down with her husband.
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