Diva Diaries (21 page)
Authors: Janine A. Morris
40
Done in the Dark, Comes to Light
T
revor was waiting at Red Lobster on Queens Boulevard, and Chrasey was trying to find a way to escape from home. She had already put the kids to bed and Keith was downstairs watching television.
revor was waiting at Red Lobster on Queens Boulevard, and Chrasey was trying to find a way to escape from home. She had already put the kids to bed and Keith was downstairs watching television.
She knew if she walked by and said nothing that she would give Keith an excuse to misbehave. She tried to always keep a certain image for Keith because any time Chrasey went out or did one thing that Keith didn't like, he would do something twice as bad, like stay out twice as late. Although Chrasey cared less about Keith's activities, she still hated wondering what he was up to when he was out for hours at a time.
Chrasey had been living on the edge with Trevor for about six months. Other than a guilty conscience from time to time, she was enjoying her Trevor extravaganza just fine. They had been to the movies twice, and out to dinner at least six times. They had been on more romantic dates in the past six months than she and Keith had been on in three years. They went to a comedy club, a boat ride around New York, and enjoyed a few romantic nights at the motel. Chrasey had begun to really like her secret life. There were times it depressed her, because she was ashamed of her actions. However, she knew she deserved the type of treatment she was getting from Trevor, and if she couldn't get it from Keith because he didn't want to do it, she had to do what she had to do.
As Chrasey's relationship with Trevor became more intense, she had grown more afraid of the consequences of Keith finding out. Then she would realize just how little attention Keith paid her or what she was doing, and she realized he wouldn't find out and he probably wouldn't care if he did.
Even when she was being careless, and knew she could get caught, she felt justified and deep down wanted him to know. A piece of her felt like if he ever did find out, and he realized that his behavior pushed her to that point, he would feel guilty and try to win her back. She never really analyzed what would happen if he didn't react that way.
She had spent so much time firmly believing that he was cheating, she never bothered to realize she had no proof whatsoever. Although she had strong suspicions, suspicions were no justification for infidelity in her marriage. Her vows said for better or worse, but yet when things got bad she was the first one sleeping around. Here she was tearing down Keith for being so unaffectionate and just plain rude over the past months, but who was she to point fingers when she was cheating? Although her time spent with Trevor often had no sexual activity, it had still become quite a romantic relationship. They had only slept together about six or seven times, but Chrasey knew that was more than enough.
Since Keith's drastic change toward Chrasey, he had never given a heartfelt explanation. He was always short or just denied that he noticed a change. Chrasey was certain about her conclusion, but she had not yet found proof that he was cheating on her. Although there was no other logical explanation for his behavior, she had no real usable clues or concrete evidence, just signs and suspicionsâdefinitely not enough. To make matters worse, over the past month or two, with her sneaking around with Trevor so much, Keith had become quite the family man, staying home with the kids, cooking, picking up where Chrasey was leaving off while she was creeping. All this time she was too confused to sit back and analyze the situation. She had fallen for Trevor, or at least for his attentions. Trevor made her feel like a woman again. He courted her, he gave her compliments and really listened to her when she talked. She could have a bad day at work, and Trevor would really listen and even give his advice. When it came to Keith, if she ever attempted to talk to him, if he wasn't asking her to tell him later, he would just nod his head and it would be very obvious he wasn't listening to a word she said. Any woman in her situation would have fallen for Trevor. She was just a mother at home, but Trevor made her feel like more.
The thing was, she never stopped to put things in perspective. If she had, she would have realized the risk that she was taking, that she was risking her whole family situation for a younger man who had nothing to offer her but some of his time and good sex. Not to mention that if she allowed herself to focus more on her marriage, maybe she could have received those things at home. The last attempt she made was when she suggested a trip for the two of them. She took care of travel arrangements, child-care plans and everything, and all Keith said was, “I can't take time off work right now.” Chrasey pleaded for a few moments, but Keith made it obvious that her idea was not exciting to him at all; in fact, it was the last thing he wanted to do, to go away with his wife. Keith felt no need to even pretend they were happy. He never even tried to pretend they were like the Cosby family. He was there for the kids, but he wanted out or he wanted a different wife. At least that's what Chrasey felt every time she was with him.
Chrasey had blamed Keith long enough, but now she really had to face the music. Here she was, sitting on Dakota's couch hysterically crying because Keith had found out about Trevor and didn't take it too well. He had walked in the bedroom with the downstairs cordless phone in his hand, and as Chrasey hastily got off the phone, her guilty look made it even more obvious. He had picked up the phone to make a call and instead overheard Chrasey talking to Trevor. She didn't know how much or what he heard, but she knew he heard something from the look on his face. As he entered the room and dropped the phone on the bed, he simply said, “I'll get out of the way so you can have your boyfriend over.”
She started making excuses and defending herself; she tried to make him think he was interpreting whatever he heard wrong. “He is just a friend of mine from work. We talk and hang out sometimes but that's it.”
All the while, he just continued to gather some things and pack a little bag. Chrasey felt the pain of what they mean when they say silence is the strongest response you can give. He said nothing more, other than “I will see you guys soon” as he kissed his little ones before exiting the house.
As he walked out the door, tears ran down her face. She managed to leave him with the words, “I just needed someone there for me.”
Keith got in his car, threw his bag in the backseat, and drove off. As he pulled out into the street, he didn't even look backâthere was not an ounce of emotion on his face. Chrasey went back in the house and called Trevor back to tell him what happened.
“Aw, damn. I am so sorry if I caused any trouble. Is there anything I can do right now?”
“No, TrevâI just need to handle this on my own. You have done enough.”
That's when she headed to Dakota's.
41
In Retrospect
I
t had been almost a month since Omar found out about the incident with her and Jayon. Jordan was working on an important case with her new client she'd retained at the end of the year, so she had been real busy at the office for a couple of weeks. This didn't make the situation better between her and Omar. He had said verbally that he was cool and believed Jordan, but his actions said something different. When she came home at night, he would barely talk to her and hardly ever wanted to have sex anymore. Most nights he would eat his dinner in the living room alone, and if she tried to join him he would just watch the TV like she wasn't even there.
t had been almost a month since Omar found out about the incident with her and Jayon. Jordan was working on an important case with her new client she'd retained at the end of the year, so she had been real busy at the office for a couple of weeks. This didn't make the situation better between her and Omar. He had said verbally that he was cool and believed Jordan, but his actions said something different. When she came home at night, he would barely talk to her and hardly ever wanted to have sex anymore. Most nights he would eat his dinner in the living room alone, and if she tried to join him he would just watch the TV like she wasn't even there.
“It's starting to take a toll on me,” Jordan told Chrasey and Dakota on a three-way call. “I am in bad moods all the time and I am depressed many nights, eating dinner by myself. It's like I can't get to Omarâhe is in a totally different place and doesn't care how much it bothers me.”
“Have you tried to have a sit-down talk with him?” Chrasey asked.
“I tried everything and he won't give in. I even suggested counseling. I have popped up home in a trench coat with nothing underneath, candlelight dinners, arrived at his restaurant at closing time with a sexy chef's outfit on ...”
“Look at you, you freak. I taught you well,” Dakota interrupted.
“Shut up, girl ... well, not
that
well, because it isn't working. It may have been cool for the moment between us, but as soon as those moments were over, so was the happiness. We have been going through the motions and it is just making me miserable at home,” Jordan said.
that
well, because it isn't working. It may have been cool for the moment between us, but as soon as those moments were over, so was the happiness. We have been going through the motions and it is just making me miserable at home,” Jordan said.
“You may just have to give it time, J. You always want things to be perfect in your life at all times. That's unrealistic. Marriages have problems ...” Chrasey said. “Hell, I just got caught cheating ... life can be a trip sometimes.”
“Yeah, I know. It's just that it's getting to the point where my only happiness is at work where I can try to ignore and forget how bad things are at home,” Jordan said.
“Who you think you fooling?” Dakota asked. “You're at work so much because that's where Mister Jayon is.”
“Don't even go there. Not now, when that is what all this drama is about,” Jordan responded.
“Please, just like back in collegeâyou're running to Jayon to be your strength to get through it,” Dakota said.
Jordan couldn't deny that Dakota had a point. Jayon would come into her office and talk to her about everything, just like in college. He would let her get all of her complaints off her chest. He would never knock Omar; in fact, he would even defend Omar, trying to help Jordan see things from his point of view. Not that it helped, but even when Jordan would understand and go home and try to explain to Omar that she did, Omar still behaved the same way.
“I know y'all are going to have jokes ... but I will admit Jayon does make my days brighter,” Jordan admitted.
“I'm sure he does,” Chrasey teased.
“No, I mean it. Not in that way. He brings me my favorite ice cream to the office, he accompanies me to places so I won't feel alone ... he fills my void to make the situation less painful,” Jordan said.
“That could be because he feels somewhat responsible for your drama, or Jayon's smooth ass is trying to take advantage of the situation to snatch up Omar's wife,” Dakota said, laughing.
“No, I know better than that. This is just Jayon's nature. Y'all know he has always tried to be that kind of friend to me. Regardless of what else is in the picture, even when he has a girlfriend or he is with a slew of girls and enjoying his single life, Jayon always tended to our friendship ... Friendship! Instigators,” Jordan said.
“I know Jay isn't a conniving guy,” Chrasey said.
“Besides, he is not desperate like that. He isn't the type to plot to steal someone's woman,” Jordan said, truly believing that in her heart.
“Yeah, but he is still a man, Jordanâhe ain't above that shit,” Dakota said.
Jordan heard Dakota's point, but to Jordan, Jayon's actions during this time were out of concern and nothing more. She and Jayon would talk about girls he was seeing, the ones he did like and the ones he didn't. He had really been on the scene since his engagement was off. He gave her advice about what to do at home to work things out with Omar. Jordan knew that Omar knew he was only a small part of the problem; to Jordan, the bigger issue was Omar feeling neglected overall and Jayon understood that. He tried to explain to Jordan how men are. “It wasn't his self-esteem, it was his pride. Every man wants to be king of his castle,” Jayon told her. No matter what they discussed, Jayon would never say one negative thing about Omar. It's like he knew that was crossing the line, Omar was still Jordan's husband, and regardless of how stupid he was acting, she loved him.
The reality of the situation was that Omar had felt like he was at the bottom of Jordan's priorities. She worked too much, she found time for her friends and her son, but when it came to Omar, he got what was left. Jordan didn't agree with that but that was what was bothering him. It was never directly said, but it was always insinuated. Omar felt like she thought she was better than him because she had a Juri's Doctorate and a more “prestigious” career. He would always make sarcastic comments about her degrees, her being so smart, or just her successful career. It was rare when he mentioned any of those things without a hint of sarcasm in his voice.
Jordan knew that it didn't help that she was around other men who had also earned the same accolades, accolades that he had not. All the celebrities and big-shot people she dealt with day to day never sat well with him. She always thought he took it better than she would, though; she would have had a fit if he were working with Janet Jackson or Oprah every day. So she could understand her working around all these rich, successful, famous, and handsome men was intimidating to him. Especially because he knew he could never give her what they could. What he never understood was they could never give her what he could. However, he allowed a wedge to come between them, which allowed her to see more than she would have been too blind to see otherwise.
One night, Jordan had a business dinner with Morris Chestnut and his agent. It was common knowledge that ever since Jordan was in college she'd loved Morris Chestnut. She knew when she told Omar, deep down he was probably a little uncomfortable and jealous. However, Omar was never one to admit jealousy of no manâhe found other ways and words to express his disapproval. With these situations, though, it was business, and he knew she always kept business separate from personal things. It's all about the check. For some reason, though, on that particular night, when he saw her leaving in her black suit with the pink pinstripes, he almost lost his mind. Her hair was laid just right, makeup looking like it had been professionally done, and her breasts were peeking out of her pink shirt just enough to get the imagination running. As she walked through the bedroom, he said, “What are you wearing?”
“A suit,” she replied.
“You look like you're going on a date, not to a business dinner.”
“Just want to make sure he knows I'm the type he can bring home to Mama, too,” she said playfully, before noticing that he really wasn't in a playful mood.
Once she noticed it, she immediately went over to him in the bed, moving slightly on top of him, and said, “Baby, pleaseâif you're worried he is my fantasy man, just remember he is only the dream. I'm coming back home to you.”
Hands down, she thought she had said the line of the year. Until he said, “Oh, I apologize for ruining that dream for you,” and rose from the bed, forcing her to get off of him.
She didn't mean it that way, but it was just the way he took thingsâfor the worst. It was just Omar's perception of his role in her life. He felt like a disappointment in her world of glitz and glamour. Like she was out in the world happy, and living the life, but then had to come home to reality, just Omar. It was almost like he felt out of place in her life. That really crushed Jordan's heart, but she didn't know what to do. She had no idea how to prove to him that he meant more than anybody or anything in her career. After his comment, he had sat on the edge of the bed watching the television screen intensely as if he hoped he could forget she was still in the bedroom.
“Do you want me to just quit my career and stay home? Would that prove to you what my priorities are?” she asked him.
“No, Jordan, and I am watching TV. I don't want to talk about it.”
Of course he would say no. What man wants to be telling his woman to stay home and be barefoot and pregnant? Besides, whether he wanted to admit it or not, he got to enjoy the benefits of her career more than she did half the time. She was able to refresh his wardrobe every season from all the hot designers she knew and artists who had their own clothing lines. He never had to stress over how much money his restaurant was making, because he knew her income could cover all the bills. Without her income they couldn't afford to live in their nice house with four bedrooms, two bathrooms, a family room, a living room, a pool and Jacuzzi, and his custom-made kitchen any chef would die to have. He could complain all he wanted, but if Jordan didn't do what she did for a living, he would have had more stress on him. You can never make these Negroes happy.
It wasn't just the money with her careerâit was the life that she wanted for herself. She worked hard at this careerâshe'd made it on her own, and she wanted to make her parents proud. Besides, she always said she wanted to be self-sufficient for her and her children in case her husband was to wild out one day and walk out, she would be independently solvent. She could pay all her bills, plus some, without Omar's help. That made Jordan feel secure, and that's how she liked it. The problem was if she started to put her career second and be a better wife, that could change very quickly.
Damn, what's a girl to do
? Jordan thought to herself before she was snapped out of her train of thought.
Damn, what's a girl to do
? Jordan thought to herself before she was snapped out of her train of thought.
“Well, not to downplay your issues, girl, but we all have issues so you're not alone. I'm half lesbian now, had a fight as a grown-ass woman, and lost my man in the process,” Dakota said.
“Bitch, that wasn't your man,” Chrasey interrupted humorously.
They all laughed. As sensitive as Dakota was about that, she was able to laugh along.
“Shut up. You about to lose yours, too ...” Dakota stabbed back.
“I know, we all about to be single whores ... we may need to call Lexia back here and the four of us get this popping ...” Chrasey replied.
“For real, Dakota. You kicked her out. She may be able to teach us a thing or two,” Jordan added.
They all laughed.
The three of them always had the power to laugh at their pain together. On the inside they were hurting, but together they were healed.
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