Disclosures - SF4 (29 page)

Ryan looked at her like she was daft. "Because I lied to you!"

"Ryan," Jamie soothed. "Did you intentionally lie to me?"

"Of course not," she muttered, acknowledging that she would never do such a thing about an important issue. "It…I…I’m just mad at myself for doing something stupid like that. I just wasn’t in my right mind at the time."

Now Jamie was puzzled. She distinctly remembered that Ryan told her this encounter took place in the store, right before school started last year. She also remembered that the woman didn’t touch Ryan sexually, so she could not understand the comment about not being in her right mind. "Were you drunk?"

"Drunk?" Once again, Ryan gave her a puzzled stare. "It was the middle of the afternoon, Jamie, and I haven’t been drunk in years."

"Were you doing drugs?" They had never discussed drug use, but Jamie was nearly certain that Ryan would not abuse her body or her mind with untested substances.

Now Ryan’s puzzlement grew. "Drugs? I’ve never done drugs in my life!"

"For God’s sake, Ryan, then will you tell me what in the hell you’re talking about? I’m out of guesses!"

Ryan rubbed at her face with her hands, realizing that she was being unresponsive, but not really wanting to talk about this issue right now. "I’m sorry, Honey," she said softly, as she patted the seat next to her. "Come sit by me and I’ll explain."

Jamie did as she was asked, placing her hand on the top of Ryan’s spine when the taller woman leaned over to brace her forearms atop her knees. "It was right before school started," she said softly, providing facts that Jamie already knew. "I hadn’t…been with anybody since the…accident."

Jamie nearly asked what accident Ryan was referring to, but she quickly realized she was talking about being gay-bashed. Remembering that the attack occurred just after the AIDS Ride, Jamie murmured, "That was a long time, Baby."

"I know," Ryan conceded. "It happened around the third week of June, and I didn’t feel like having anyone touch me for at least six weeks. I couldn’t work, of course, and I kinda lost my normal support network since I didn’t see my friends at work or at the clubs. It’s hard to explain, Jamie, but I didn’t feel like myself for a very long time. It wasn’t just the pain or the discomfort—I felt like those guys took something very important from me."

Thinking of what an attack like that would do to her, Jamie posited, "Did they take your sense of safety and security?"

Ryan shook her head. "No, they took my confidence. I didn’t feel confident about myself, or my abilities. I started to doubt that I’d ever feel sexual again." She closed her eyes and shook her head harder, her long dark hair cascading down her shoulders as she did so. "I had absolutely no interest in seeing any of my buddies, and meeting someone new was actually terrifying for me. I just spent a lot of time reading and sitting at the park—I had totally turned inward."

"What snapped you out of it?" Jamie asked, recalling the supremely confident woman she'd met in late August.

Ryan laughed ruefully, as she admitted, "Being with that woman in the shop, to be honest. I didn’t have time to think, or worry, or be afraid that she’d want to talk about it."

It became clear to Jamie why her partner did not take solace with any of her regular "buddies". They were obviously worried about her, and would have naturally wanted to see how she was doing—something that Ryan apparently hadn't been able to handle. "Then you should be glad that you had that encounter with her," Jamie soothed, running her hand up and down Ryan’s back.

"I guess I am," she admitted. "I’m just mad at myself for having unsafe sex. I didn’t even stop to think about it, to tell you the truth. I’d spent years counseling kids to avoid the situations where they feel out of control, and the first time I’m in the same situation, I gave in immediately."

"Honey, don’t be so hard on yourself," Jamie soothed. "Do you remember what you were thinking?"

Ryan nodded. "I needed the intimacy," she said softly. "I needed to touch someone in the most intimate way I could. I needed to taste another living being to remind myself that I was alive. I didn’t just want to give her a sexual release, I needed to fill myself up with her taste—even though I didn’t know her. The mere fact that she was alive made
me
feel more alive." She flopped back against the cushion and gazed at Jamie with a pathetically fragile look on her face. "Does that make any sense?"

"Perfect," Jamie whispered, pulling Ryan against her chest and running her fingers through her hair again, inadvertently feeling the small knot of scar tissue that would always mark her head. "Please don’t be angry with yourself, Ryan. You did the best you could at the time."

"But I put myself, and you, at risk, Honey," she started to protest, but Jamie silenced her by placing two fingers upon her lips.

"You didn’t put me at risk, Ryan. You had yourself thoroughly checked out before we made love. And while I understand that it’s risky to have oral sex without a barrier, you weren’t harmed, so give up the guilt, Baby."

Ryan nodded, much relieved that Jamie did not think less of her for being so cavalier with her health. "Thanks for understanding, Jamie. I just want you to know that being with that woman like that was really rare for me. I might not have known some of the women I was with very well, but they were usually friends of friends or people that I knew at least a little. I had very little anonymous sex."

"It doesn’t matter, Ryan," Jamie assured her. "The past is past and you can’t change it now. All that matters is that we’re together now…and that we will be for the rest of our lives."

Ryan offered a small smile, once again feeling her equilibrium return. "That’s an undeniable truth," she whispered, placing a tender kiss upon her partner’s lips.

"Are you sure that you want to do this?" Ryan cast yet another puzzled glance at her partner, searching her eyes for any sign of hesitancy.

"Why is it so surprising that I’d want to go to church with you and help watch Caitlin?" Jamie asked, finally tiring of Ryan’s persistent questioning.

The taller woman gave one of her adorably incongruous adolescent shrugs and looked slightly embarrassed at being caught in an insecure moment. "I guess I assume that you’d want to go to your grandfather’s church, Honey. You’ve been going there your whole life, and I know you really enjoy it."

Jamie approached her partner and fluffed her dark bangs, smiling at their current propensity to land in her blue eyes. "You’ve been going to St. Philip’s since you were born, Ryan. Switching to my church would be a big change for you, too, so don’t act like you wouldn’t have to sacrifice to go with me."

"But it’s your grandfather’s parish," Ryan whined, unwilling to let go of her concern.

"I know that, Love," Jamie agreed. "But your whole extended family goes to St. Philip’s, and I think that’s really nice. I love my grandfather dearly, but I’m not really a part of the parish—I’ve been going alone since I could drive, and I’ve always missed the sense of family that makes communal worship so appealing. Besides," she insisted, wrapping Ryan in a hug, "Your aunt really wants Caitlin to start attending church, and since Tommy and Annie won’t go, I’d like to help her out."

"Have I ever told you that you’re too generous for your own good?" Ryan murmured, holding Jamie close and taking in her calming scent.

"I don’t believe you have," she replied, nuzzling her head into Ryan’s neck. "Why don’t you prepare a list of all of my wonderful attributes, and you can recite them to me when I get back from playing golf." She lifted her head to reveal her impish grin, and Ryan planted soft kisses on every inch that was revealed as Jamie turned her head from side to side to insure full coverage. "We’d better scoot, Babe. Your Aunt Maeve doesn’t seem like the kind of woman who would appreciate our being late."

"Not when she’s got the Hibernians waiting on her," Ryan agreed, referring to the Catholic social club for women of Irish descent. Maeve was the current chairwoman of one of the committees, and her group was sponsoring the bake sale after Mass, leaving Caitlin without a minder until Jamie and Ryan stepped up to offer to watch her.

After a joint shower— which, remarkably, did not devolve into sex--and a quick breakfast, they stood in front of the closet and tried to decide what to wear. Brendan had dropped in during breakfast and decided to accompany the pair, and he agreed to go fetch the baby from Maeve while they got dressed. Jamie decided to wear a moderately casual yellow linen dress, but Ryan was in a quandary. Brendan had on a long-sleeved light blue oxford cloth shirt and a pair of chinos, and she didn't want to look underdressed in comparison with her companions, but she refused to wear a skirt. She finally decided to wear a pair of slim-fitting slacks in a white cotton duck, with a sleeveless v-neck cardigan in a black cotton knit to top the slacks. Stylish black loafers finished off the surprisingly casual outfit.

Jamie watched her get dressed, eyeing her appreciatively. She thought her partner’s attire was far too casual for church, but she was not going to say a word. Ryan looked absolutely luscious, and if she was comfortable in her outfit, it was perfectly all right with Jamie. She went over to a small jewelry box that she had brought from Berkeley and pulled out a string of pearls and placed them around Ryan's neck. As she hooked the clasp, she stood on her tiptoes and placed a kiss on her neck. "Perfect," she said appreciatively as she turned her partner around and looked her up and down. She would have chosen gold accessories for this outfit, but Ryan still wore the sapphire diamonds, and the pearls seemed to work better with the platinum setting.
That's a good idea for her birthday,
Jamie thought
. A platinum necklace in the same design as the settings for the earrings.

"I truly love the way you look in that dress," Ryan said as she held her lover at arm’s length to study her. "The color brings out all of the different highlights in your hair. I don't know how I'm going to be able to think of anything but you today."

"You think you have problems? I get to think of just how little there is between me and your breasts all day. And I didn't get to munch on them yesterday, you little devil."

"Hey! I didn’t force you to fall asleep on me…" Ryan began, but stopped at Jamie’s expression of challenge, and smiled when she realized that she had indeed forced her partner into a near-stupor. "Well, okay, maybe I did. I have definitely gotta plan better," she muttered, putting on a mock glower.

They had to borrow Conor's truck in order to take Caitlin and her car seat with them, and the whole endeavor took much longer than either woman would have guessed. Even though they spent a lot of time with Caitlin, they didn’t often take her to a place where she would have to keep relatively quiet. This constraint forced them to tote books, toys, stuffed animals and a baggie full of Cheerios along with the usual diapers, change of clothes, and bottles of breast milk and water.

Caitlin looked quite adorable today, as was her norm. She was wearing a bright yellow dress with an embroidered duck stitched on a little white pique inset on the front that matched the little ducks marching around the cuffs of her white socks. She also had a white pique hat, but Ryan knew it would never rest on her head, given that it was currently being shaken violently by her little pink hand. Tiny black slippers covered her feet, and Ryan also assumed these would not remain in place for long. She recalled how Conor had described her antics as a child in church and thought wryly,
It's payback time
.

The O'Flahertys had been members of St. Phillip Parish since Brendan was born. Martin and Fionnuala had actually met at Old St. Patrick's near downtown, but when they bought their little house in Noe Valley, they quickly became visible members of the community. All four children had attended the grammar school, and each one had been a standout in some pursuit. They had all participated in the various athletic teams that the school sponsored, and Rory had been a member of the band. Fionnuala had been very involved in the parish, and Martin had kept up his involvement as much as possible after her death. He and Brendan still attended Mass every Sunday, but Conor and Rory had become Christmas and Easter Catholics. Ryan was somewhere in the middle; she had been quite devout as a child, and had been a member of the children's choir and an acolyte until she was in high school. But after she came out as a lesbian and began to study the church’s position on homosexuality and the ordination of women, she did not like what she found. Her cousin Michael’s illness had also been an influence in her disenchantment, as she considered it unconscionable to prohibit the use of condoms, even by married couples. Still, even though she was feeling quite alienated, she had been sincere in her wish to spend more time in communal worship, and she was grateful that Jamie was so willing to try to acclimate to the Catholic Mass.

The 9:30 Mass was designed with families in mind. A large number of children were present for the service and no one seemed to mind all of the screaming babies. Ryan had not been in the church since Christmas, and she had probably not been to the family Mass since she sang in the choir. She was pleased to see that they had made some rather significant changes since she was last there. The piano began to play the opening hymn, and she was delighted to see that the lectors were relatively young children. They were probably in seventh or eighth grade, and they looked adorable processing into the church in front of the priest, with the first young woman holding the Bible over her head for all to see.