Desperately Seeking Heaven (13 page)

‘Jimmy?’ I yawned, padding through to the living room. He had to be home by now, sitting on the sofa, sipping tea from a mug, looking apologetic.

‘Morning,’ said Lexie, lazily opening one eye, shuffling herself up one end of the sofa to make room for me. Admittedly, she was wrapped beneath the duvet, but I was pretty certain she wasn’t hiding Jimmy under there too.

‘Oh no,’ I sighed, ‘is Jimmy not back?’

‘If he’s got any sense, he’ll still be tucked up in a bed somewhere.’ She sat up, stretching out her little legs, reminding me of a good-natured pixie. ‘God, it’s early. Fancy a brew?’

‘Oh Lexie, where the hell is he?’

‘Well, hopefully not there!’

I glared at her, biting on my lip to stop the tears escaping from my eyes.

‘Nah, don’t worry,’ she went on, ‘he definitely had a few brownie points under his belt. Him being a much-loved entertainer and all that. He’ll be on his way up the upwards escalator, rest assured.’

I sighed, sniffing morosely.

‘But I didn’t think he’d be taken so quickly after seeing Donna. I thought we’d have a couple of days’ grace. He can’t just go like this without saying goodbye. It’s not right.’

She dropped her head to the side, pulling a sad face. ‘Let me get you that cup of tea. You look as though you need one.’

I rested my head in my hands and wept quietly. Lexie was right. I knew Jimmy would have to leave at some point, but I wasn’t ready for it like this, so suddenly. Pain clenched a tight knot in my stomach.

‘Tea,’ offered Lexie, a few moments later, handing me a mug. ‘Oh, look at you,’ she said, noticing my reddened puffy eyes, ‘if you’re that worried why don’t you try giving him a call.’

Gawd, she was testing my patience.

‘Top of the range mobile phones aren’t standard issue for newly recruited ghosts, you know.’

‘No, but you can summon him, can’t you? By the power of thought. Or something.’ She waved her hands in the air with a flourish. Who did she think I was all of a sudden? Samantha from
Bewitched
? ‘I thought you had this special thing going on?’

‘I think it’s a one-way arrangement,’ I sighed. ‘It’s Jimmy who can do the magic stuff, not me.’

‘Shame,’ Lexie sighed, sounding wholly uninterested as she dunked a Rich Tea biscuit in her tea and delved into the Sunday papers.

If Jimmy had gone for good, how would my life ever be the same again?

There would be no one waiting for me when I came home of a night.

No one to laugh with over re-runs of
Friends
.

No one to make a cup of tea for me in the mornings or to put a delicious meal on the table of an evening.

No one to care for me.

And I would miss Jimmy for simply being Jimmy. His huge wide smile, those deep grey inquisitive eyes, his warm nut-brown laugh that echoed out over the flat.

It was almost too awful to contemplate.

Instead, I stared into my empty mug, trying not to think about it, the silence and emptiness of the flat oppressive.

‘Jimmy!’ I screamed, inwardly. Why was he doing this to me?

Moments later, a cool rush of air swept around the flat as his familiar dulcet tones sounded in my ear.

‘Blimey, why all the long faces? Has someone died?’

‘Jimmy!’ I leapt up off the sofa. ‘Oh my God! Where have you been? I’ve been worried sick.’

‘Thank the Lord for that,’ said Lexie resignedly, as she picked up her clothes and wandered out towards the bathroom. ‘The spooky wanderer returns, does he? Do us a favour, Jimmy, next time you want to go walkabout, could you let the boss know? She’s been in a dreadful state all night.’

‘Ah, tea!’ Jimmy, seemingly oblivious to my distress, spotted our empty mugs sitting on the table. ‘I’ll just grab myself one if you don’t mind, it’s been a long night.’

How dare he, was my first thought, as I grabbed him by the lapels. His warm familiar masculine scent reassured me and angered me at the same time. Who did he think he was, waltzing in like a paying guest without any regard to my feelings?

‘Where the bloody hell have you been?’ All the worry that had been festering inside over the last few hours erupted in a frenzy of pummelling on Jimmy’s chest. ‘Why didn’t you tell me you wouldn’t be coming home?’

Bemused, his eyes scanned my face, before looking down and noticing my attempts to do his ghostly form some serious damage. Clearly, I was having no impact whatsoever.

‘Hey, hey, hey.’ He gently removed my hands from his chest, holding my wrists down by my sides. ‘I went to catch up with a few people, that was all.’ He wiped the tears from my cheeks with the backs of his thumbs, pushing the hair out of my eyes. ‘It was a last-minute thing. When you got back last night, I saw you with that guy,’ he waved a hand in the air, ‘um, the flash one with…’

‘You mean Damon?’

‘Yep, that’s him. I reckoned you wouldn’t want me around cramping your style so I decided to make myself scarce.’

‘Oh, Jimmy, you wouldn’t have been cramping my style! We went for a drink, that’s all. We bumped into them when we came out of the club. Damon and I used to work together and Lexie got chatting to his friend Phil.’ I could hear myself gabbling, explaining, apologising. For what though, I didn’t quite understand. But then it came to me. I didn’t want Jimmy thinking Damon was anything other than a friend.

‘That’s not a hint of jealousy I detect from the ghostly quarter, is it?’ Lexie’s voice wafted from down the hallway.

‘Don’t be silly,’ I said, jumping to Jimmy’s defence as I rolled my eyes at my sister’s silly comment. Pure unadulterated relief filtered through my veins at being with him again. ‘Don’t worry, she’ll be going home soon. You should have told me though, Jimmy. I was worried. I thought you’d gone for good, that I’d never see you again.’

‘Sorry.’ He glanced at the floor looking contrite and then turned his gaze on my face. ‘You’re right, I should have told you. It was rude of me disappearing like that. I suppose it’s only natural you’re going to have your own life to lead.’ And if I hadn’t known better, I might have been inclined to agree with Lexie’s earlier assertion.

Now the tears ran freely down my face, my shoulders juddering with relief. He delved in his pockets and pulled out a hankie, and made a half-hearted attempt at mopping me up before giving it up as a bad job and handing the crisp white cloth over to me. I nodded my thanks and blew my nose noisily which seemed to make him laugh. I sniffed, feeling ridiculously happy and desperately despondent at the same time.

Jimmy had come home this time, but he could quite easily have just disappeared, literally without a trace. And where would that have left me? I’d invested so much time and energy into helping him find his rightful place in the universe that I should have been overjoyed at the thought of him moving on. Only now, looking up into those deep grey eyes, his charcoal hair falling over his face, I felt an overwhelming sense of sadness that I’d be losing him from life very soon.

Imperceptibly he’d made himself irreplaceable in my life and I didn’t know how I’d ever manage without him.

He took my hands in his, holding me at arm’s length, looking imploringly into my eyes.

‘Let’s make a pact, Alice. When I do finally have to go,’ he said, as if reading my mind, ‘I promise that I’ll come and say a proper goodbye before I leave. How about that?’

My stomach churned under the intensity of his gaze.

‘That sounds good.’ Our hands interlocked, he squeezed my fingers. I’d have been content to stay like that gazing up into his eyes the entire day, but the shuffling noises behind me distracted my attention.

‘Well, I’ll leave you to it, then. Now that normal service has been resumed.’ Lexie appeared from the bathroom, clutching her overnight bag in her hands, looking tired and uncharacteristically vulnerable without any make-up on.

‘Oh Lexie!’ I ran over to her, throwing my arms around her neck. The events of the last twenty-four hours, twenty-four days or however long it had been since Jimmy had bulldozed into my life, had left me feeling strangely wobbly and tearful. My sister, my dear lovable and infuriating sister. What would I have done without her?

‘Thanks so much for everything, you know, last night and all that. For being so understanding. I couldn’t have done it without you.’

‘Hey, anytime, you know that.’ she said. ‘I’m only sorry we didn’t get a better result from Donna Diamond. Still, we’ll catch up with her yet. Don’t you worry about it.’

‘Thanks, darling,’ I said, giving her a big kiss. With Lexie and Jimmy on my team then everything would be all right, I felt certain.

‘Yeah, thanks, Lexie,’ said Jimmy, wafting past her and whispering in her ear. ‘I’ll see you soon.’

‘Ugh… that pesky ghost!’ she yelped, flapping her hand around the back of her neck and leaping up and down on the spot. ‘Would you not do that? Tell him, Alice. It’s seriously freaky.’

‘Behave yourself,’ I laughed, nudging him in the ribs with my elbow, as we watched Lexie dance down the hallway.

Chapter Fourteen

After breakfast we decided to head for the great outdoors. The atmosphere in the flat was becoming oppressive and besides, the sun had been filtering through the picture windows beckoning us outside, the forecast for the rest of the day bright sunshine.

Brickhill Country Park was only ten minutes away and a haven for wildlife, dog-walkers, young families and courting couples.

Walking hand in hand with him along the pathway that led to the boating lake, I had to keep reminding myself that outside of our little fragilely constructed bubble, none of this was real. To the man pushing his young son along on his toy motorbike I was a single woman taking a Sunday-morning stroll alone. To the teenage couple gently teasing each other, I was probably a figure of pity and ridicule. To the guy loitering behind the dustbins, I was fair game.

‘All right, love?’ he asked, a sneer moulding his face.

‘She’s out of your league, mate,’ called Jimmy, putting a protective arm around my shoulder as we sauntered past. I laughed, confusing the guy with my reaction as he shook his head dismissively. If I’d been alone, I’d have felt vulnerable and frightened and would probably have turned back onto the main path, but with Jimmy beside me I’d felt protected, a feeling I relished and something I realised had been sorely missing from my life. Someone to lean on.

Maybe, in the absence of a real-live man in my life, I needed something else. A dog, perhaps, I thought smiling, as a scruffy-haired mutt scampered past. Whatever it was, the hole that I hadn’t even known existed in my life had been given a temporary fix by Jimmy’s special brand of spiritual healing. The trouble was I knew it was only a for-the-moment arrangement.

‘To be honest, Jimmy, it was all a bit of a disaster last night. We did our best, but we had to pounce on Donna in the loos. It wasn’t the most conducive atmosphere to getting her on our side. And when she heard what we had to say it only made matters much worse.’

‘I bet.’

‘She’s very pretty, isn’t she? Much prettier than she seems on telly and in the mags. Up close you can definitely see the natural beauty beneath all the glitz.’ It wouldn’t have surprised me if Jimmy had slept with her after all. Any red-blooded male would have their head turned by someone as desirable as Donna.

Jimmy scrunched up his nose as though he’d just caught a whiff of something unsavoury.

‘You think? She’s not my type, that’s for sure.’

‘Oh really? And what’s your type then, Jimmy?’ The outdoors air made me bold.

He stopped and spun me round to face him.

‘Someone like you,’ he said looking at me intently. ‘Yeah, I suppose you’d do, with your funny ideas and quirky ways.’

‘Thanks a bunch,’ I said, laughing away the compliment, but my body couldn’t ignore the implication. My stomach scrambled and I felt the back of my throat tighten.

‘She was very cool and collected,’ I said, linking my arm through his. ‘She wasn’t about to admit she’d made the whole thing up, but I could tell by her eyes she was lying.’

‘You weren’t prepared to take my word for that, then?’

‘Yes, but…’ I blushed, knowing he had me sussed. I’d wanted to believe him more than anything, but it was difficult when all the national papers were telling a very different story.

‘Hey, don’t worry about it. I’d have been the same,’ he admitted. ‘The trouble is the rest of the population will be thinking the same as you.’ He paused to pick up a stone, and flicked it with his wrist into the water. It skimmed along the surface, and we watched the ripples spreading outwards. ‘It’s not the way I want to be remembered, though.’

‘I know,’ I said, slipping my arm through his again. I hated seeing him so hurt and downcast. As if being dead wasn’t enough, he had all this other rubbish to contend with too. ‘We’ll go and see Donna again. Perhaps now she’s had a chance to think about it, she’ll realise what she’s done, how wrong it is and change her mind and tell the truth.’

‘You reckon? I doubt it somehow,’ he said, his brow furrowing. ‘There’d be more chance of me coming back from the dead!’

‘Stop it!’ I hated him talking like that, reminding me that he didn’t belong here.

‘You know,’ he said then paused, bending down to pick up another pebble, throwing it with more venom this time. It plopped with a thud deep into the water. ‘I went to see my parents last night.’

‘Oh really?’ So that’s where he’d been then.

‘Yeah. Mum’s in a bad way. This whole baby thing has really shaken her up. She was just coming to terms with the fact that I’m not around any more and now this. She’s horrified. She doesn’t want to believe it and yet… she doesn’t know what to believe.’

His voice trailed away as we wandered down to the water’s edge and watched as a mother duck and her ducklings followed behind two small girls trailing bread into the water.

‘What can I do? It’s so frustrating. She thinks her first grandchild will be coming into the world and she’s wondering what part she’ll play in that child’s life. I need her to know the truth, to tell her not to worry, but I can’t.’ He sighed, a ghostly sigh, heavy with regret. ‘You know, I had a good go at telling her, but obviously she wasn’t hearing me. I even thought about trying out one of my few ghostly tricks, but decided against it. I didn’t want to worry her any more than she is already.’