Desperately Seeking Heaven (22 page)

Jimmy was partial to his creature comforts. I couldn’t imagine him slumming it.

‘No I definitely picked the long straw when I was delivered into the very capable hands of a single, gorgeous, extremely eligible young woman.’

I smiled, running my tongue across my lips, basking in Jimmy’s flattery.

‘Of course, I don’t think there was anything random about my placement with you.’

‘You don’t?’ I asked, looking at him warily.

‘No, why do you?’ he asked directly, catching me unawares. I shrugged, keeping quiet as he went on. ‘There’s obviously a reason why I was foisted upon you and not into the care of a bunch of students or an old tramp.’

‘And, um, what do you think that reason might be?’

‘Unfinished business, I suppose.’

‘Yeah, that business with Donna. I suppose now it’s all been cleared up you’ll be moved over.’ It tore at my heart even to think about it. ‘Maybe they’re just waiting for the article to appear in the magazine first.’

Jimmy laughed.

‘I was wrong about that.’

‘Sorry?’

‘Thinking that was the reason for me being stuck here. I mean, I’m glad I got the opportunity to sort all that out, but that wasn’t the reason I hadn’t moved over.’

‘It wasn’t?’

‘No. And I don’t know why it didn’t occur to me before. I mean it’s been staring us in the face from the very first moment we met.’

‘It has?’ I said, my voice squeaky.

‘Yes, I think we both know that you and I were due to meet in real life and because of what happened,’ he shrugged, laughing, ‘my unexpected demise and all that, it never came to anything. This is a second chance, I suppose. An opportunity to tie up some ends, find some resolution.’

‘And do you think you’ve done that now?’

‘Well, not as extensively as I would have liked to, obviously, but at least I got to meet you at last, to spend some time with you.’ He smiled, his dark eyes looking up at me from beneath long lashes. ‘That’s what all this has been about. Finding you. We were meant to be together, you and me, you know that?’ He reached out for my hand, our fingers interlocking.

Hearing the words from Jimmy’s lips sent short sharp stabbing pains around my body, my breath quickening until I thought my heart might burst. My hands felt clammy as I gripped onto the side of the boat. I couldn’t bring myself to meet Jimmy’s gaze.

‘Funny you should say that,’ I said examining the bottom slats of the boat, trying to keep my tone light, ‘because Lexie said exactly the same thing.’

‘Really? She’s a bright girl, your sister. A pain in the arse at times, but a very bright girl.’

The look we exchanged, our shared ripple of laughter broke the sizzling tension as he squeezed my hand tighter.

‘I know. She showed me that clip on YouTube, the interview you gave to Margot.’

Jimmy nodded. ‘We filmed that the week before I died. It was the first time I’d spoken publicly about my personal life.’

‘It was really touching.’

‘I meant every word of it.’ There was a sincerity underlining his words, as his gaze, fixed firmly upon my eyes, burrowed deep into my soul. ‘I’d been waiting a lifetime to meet you, Alice, and, on borrowed time, on my way out the back door, I finally managed to do it. I guess my timing wasn’t brilliant.’

Tears swelled in my eyes and the fine hairs on my arms stood on end at the realisation of the painful futility of our situation. There would be no happy ending written in the stars for us. Where Jimmy was going, it was a single one-way trip only. And my name wasn’t even on the passenger ticket. Certainly not for this particular departure.

I examined my fingernails, pushing back my cuticles with my thumb.

‘Who knows, it might not have worked out for us. I guess we’ll never know for sure.’

Jimmy raised an eyebrow, giving a wry smile.

‘I know,’ he said, sadly. ‘There’s not many things I’m certain about these days, but I know this much. We would have been very happy together, Alice. Forever and ever and all that.’ He shrugged, smiling, but I couldn’t help noticing the pain flickering in his deep grey eyes. ‘We clicked from the start, you and me, just as we would have done if we’d been lucky enough to meet in real life when I could have actually done something about it.’ He took a deep breath before exhaling slowly. ‘Alice Fletcher,’ he said, leaning over and picking up my hand, ‘I love you. With all my heart. And I want you to know that I always will. I can go to my resting place, wherever and whenever that might be, knowing that this here,’ he tapped his chest, ‘is filled with my love for you.’

My heart soared as a surge of red-hot emotion ran riot through my body, filling every aching pore.

‘I love you too, Jimmy Mack,’ I admitted, as the tears that had been pricking at my eyes ran freely down my cheeks. ‘But this is so unfair! We’ve only just found each other and now we’ll be torn apart. Why, Jimmy? It just doesn’t make sense.’

‘I don’t know,’ he said, his shoulders slumping in defeat. ‘I don’t have the answer to that one. But we can’t afford to think like that, Alice. We have to be grateful that we finally found each other, even if it is a bit late. The thought of leaving you behind breaks my heart. I don’t want to lose you, Alice, not now I’ve only just found you, but however much it saddens me you still have your whole life left to live here, without me. This is how it has to be.’

I looked into his eyes, seeing the emotion brimming within.

‘What I do know is that you’ll always have my heart,’ he said, thumping his chest with his fist. ‘Some people go a whole lifetime never meeting that someone special. I nearly missed out on it myself so I know how lucky I am. I just hope you’ll hang onto a small part of my heart as well.’

‘Oh God, I will, I will!’ I cried, the tears now giving way to huge gulping sobs. ‘But I don’t know how I’ll ever survive without you.’

‘You have to, Alice. There is no alternative.’ The steeliness of his voice made my heart turn cold. ‘This is what we’ve been handed and we just have to get on with it. Make the most of the time we do have together, make every second count.’

He got up on his haunches and leant over towards me, his lips finding mine. The boat rocked precariously and I laughed away my tears as he steadied himself on the side. His kiss was tender, sensual and urgent all at the same time, the pent-up tension held in my arms and legs melting away in an instant under his gentle caress. Locked together in an embrace we fell backwards onto the hard wooden slats of the boat, oblivious to anything or anyone, lost in the delicious exploration of each other’s bodies.

As all my inhibitions were diving overboard and I was ready to sink into the depths of blissful oblivion, from nowhere a tremendous crash juddered our little boat causing us to list dramatically. I fell over to one side and grabbed the edge, water splashing up the side of the boat spraying my face, my heart thumping as I looked to Jimmy for reassurance.

‘What on earth are you doing, you stupid woman?’

I looked up, peering over the side of the boat, to see a tall man in a striped blazer, a straw boater and an irate expression hanging onto the pole of his vessel as if he might catapult himself over and join me on mine.

‘I’m sorry,’ I spluttered, crawling on to my knees and waving my arms from side to side in an attempt to regain some balance. ‘I was, um, just enjoying the sunshine, such a lovely day isn’t it? I didn’t realise I was drifting, I must have nodded off,’ I said woefully, noticing we were a long way from where we’d moored. I adjusted my clothing, hoping he wouldn’t notice the pink flush of desire that had covered my arms and neck.

Jimmy reached for the paddle, laughing, and attempted to manoeuvre us out of the way of the other boat.

‘There is such a thing as river etiquette you know,’ the man said huffily. He pushed his pole against our boat and veered away from us. ‘We’d all like to lounge around without giving a care or thought to anyone else on the river, but there are rules to obey, you know?’

‘Plonker,’ said Jimmy, dipping his oar deep in the river and flicking it in the direction of the man, drenching him from head to toe.

‘Good grief, what was that?’ He looked at me accusingly.

‘A fish,’ I said, excitedly. ‘This big it was.’ I held my hands out wide by way of explanation. ‘A trout, I think,’ conjuring up the first fish that came to mind.

‘Don’t be ridiculous,’ said the man, wiping himself down. ‘There aren’t any trout in this stretch of water.’

‘A big brown fish then. Like a trout. But not a trout, obviously. Sorry. I’m very sorry,’ I grovelled, trying to ignore the small crowd of amused onlookers who’d gathered by the riverbank. I re-acquainted myself with the pole and hung onto it for dear life, beckoning Jimmy with a desperate wide-eyed look to help me.

‘Let me,’ he said, laughing, coming to my rescue and taking the pole out of my hands, ‘let’s get you out of here before you get yourself into any more trouble.’ He steered us towards the mooring. ‘Come on, I need to get you home so we can finish what we started here before we were so rudely interrupted.’

He winked at me and my stomach went into freefall.

Chapter Twenty-Four

‘Are you okay, Alice? You seem a bit distracted, that’s all. We could always do this some other time, if you’d prefer?’

‘Oh, I’m sorry, Damon,’ I said, dragging my attention back from where it had flitted out of the window. I looked across the table of the very exclusive restaurant he’d brought me to, his face now a picture of concern. A quick coffee and a bite to eat in the local café was what I’d been expecting, but this felt far too much like a date for my liking and that was the last thing I wanted. I didn’t want to be here, alone with Damon. I wanted to be back at my flat with Jimmy.

I’d barely touched my food and had felt listless and detached all evening. It wasn’t Damon’s fault that I was such terrible company.

‘I’ve been a bit preoccupied lately,’ I offered by way of explanation for my unscintillating company. ‘Family problems, you know how it is.’

Damon nodded sympathetically.

He must have thought I had the most dysfunctional family since the Munsters, the number of times I’d brought them and their myriad of problems up these last few weeks.

‘But your business, I’ve jotted down a few ideas here for some systems you might want to consider implementing. If you like I can come in for a day or two to your office and we can make a start on setting up your accounts and admin procedures, if you think that might help.’

‘That would be great. But I would hate to impose while you have so many other things on your plate.’ He picked up my hastily scribbled notes, running his finger down the page. ‘I’m sure this will give me plenty to work on for the time being.’

He smiled, putting the papers to one side and I couldn’t help feeling guilty that it must have been perfectly apparent my heart wasn’t in this whole thing.

The trouble was, since that gloriously special day I’d spent with Jimmy on the river I hadn’t been able to think of anything else, replaying every single moment over and over in my mind. It had been a bittersweet day with lots of outpourings of emotions, some tears from us both, but mostly a great deal of laughter. But it had brought home to me just how much Jimmy had come to mean to me and how much I would inevitably have to lose.

Being here with Damon in the sophisticated surroundings of the exclusive country club with its sweeping lawns and classical statues only reinforced everything I would never be able to share with Jimmy.

Jimmy and I could never be a proper couple. We’d never be able to go out together to a swanky restaurant like this. Nor would I be able to introduce him to my friends and family. We wouldn’t be able to go on holiday together. Or buy a house or get engaged or have a huge over-the-top wedding with too many guests or make lots of beautiful babies together.

It was all futile fantasy and yet my every waking moment was spent tormenting myself with what-might-have-beens and what-could-have-beens, Jimmy’s words playing on a loop in my head.

‘We have no future together, darling. All we have is the here and now for as long as it may last. But you can’t put your life on hold for me. Take it from me, I should know, you need to live for the moment as you never know what might be round the corner.’

But that was impossible. All the time Jimmy was around he had to be the most important priority in my life. After all, I was the only person he had in this strange halfway world he inhabited. But more than that I loved him. With all my heart. I was trapped by the situation just as much as Jimmy was.

How I wished I could open up to Damon and tell him exactly what was going on in my life and the size of the insurmountable problem I’d been landed with. He was a strategist, one of life’s big thinkers. If anyone could come up with a solution to my problem it would be Damon. But I simply couldn’t. I couldn’t talk to anyone other than Lexie about my situation and that left me living in that same twilight world as Jimmy.

I looked across at Damon feeling a painful mix of regret and disappointment. He was such a lovely guy; he didn’t deserve to be landed with a mixed-up girl like me who kept company with the strangest of folk.

‘I’m really sorry, Damon, but I should go now.’ I felt the tears rush to my eyes and I turned away blinking them back. I shouldn’t have been sitting here with Damon when I could have been at home with Jimmy spending what precious time we had left together. God knows it was probably only going to be a matter of weeks or days as it was. Claustrophobia threatened to overwhelm me as my throat tightened and I struggled to find my breath. I needed to get out of here, away from the bewilderment in Damon’s eyes and back to Jimmy where I belonged. I stood up and made a dash for the main entrance.

‘Hey, it’s okay, Alice, I’ll take you home,’ Damon said kindly.

‘No, there’s no need, I can make my own way. I’ll grab a taxi or something. It’s all right. You stay, finish your meal.’

Panic washed over me, an overwhelming urgency filling every pore of my body telling me I needed to get back home as quickly as possible.

‘It’s OK,’ said Damon, a voice of reason in an increasingly suffocating atmosphere. He stood up, settled the bill and ushered me outside towards the car.