Desired and Dominated (12 page)

“Sof, if I thought it could be different, trust me, I would be doing everything in my power to keep you by my side. I’ve waited so long…to touch you, to taste you, to give you everything I have.”

“Then why do I feel like you’re throwing me away, casting me aside because it’s too difficult.”

I grab her face in my hands, wiping the tears that mar her beautiful cheeks with my thumbs. “Please don’t think that. If it was only difficult for me, I would fight until my dying breath to be with you, but it’s not. I can’t be the reason that you and Simon don’t talk to each other.”

“He’ll come around. He’s a pigheaded asshole sometimes, but he’ll come around.”

“I broke his trust. I was his best friend, and I broke his trust. He loves you more than life itself. I understand where he’s coming from, and yeah, maybe he’ll come around, but it’ll never be the same, as long as you’re with me. I can’t shoulder that burden. You have a family that I would kill for, and I can’t come between you. I can’t do that to you. I care too much.”

She turns her face, pulling away from me, standing to put some distance between us. “That’s bullshit! You don’t care
enough
. If I was worth it, you wouldn’t let Simon or anyone else stand in the way.”

I can’t breathe.

“You’re not hearing me. This isn’t about me, or the way I feel. It’s about you and what’s best for you. Your family, your brother – you need them, and I would never forgive myself if I took that away from you; if you had to give them up to be with me.”

I try to comfort her, to hold her, but she pushes me away. “DON’T! You can’t have it all, Nate. You don’t get to touch me and kiss me, and discard me. Don’t fool yourself that this is about me; about protecting me. It’s about you. You thought you wanted me, and now that you realize you don’t, that reality isn’t as good as the fantasy, you want out. Fine. I’m out. Don’t speak to me, don’t look at me, and don’t come to my parents’ house. I don’t want to see you ever again.”

I try to stop her from walking out, “Please, Sofia. That’s not true. Let me explain,” but as soon as my hand find hers, she whips round and slaps me in the face.

“FUCK YOU! I thought you were different. I thought I meant something to you.”

“You do. You mean everything to me.”

She slaps me again. “Don’t you
dare
say that to me. I know you, Nate. Better than you know yourself. You want to be in control of everything? Fine. Enjoy controlling all of the NOTHING and NO ONE in your life.”

She slams the door behind her, and the walls start closing in on me. I can’t speak. I can’t feel. It’s too painful. Knowing that she hates me, that she thinks I don’t care enough – will haunt me for the rest of my life.

I need to respect her wishes. She doesn’t want to see me again, and I need to find a way to come to terms with that.

I will never see Sofia again…never hear her laugh…never see her smile…never watch her come apart under my touch.

I did the right thing for her. She needs her family, more than she needs me. I couldn’t be the man she needed me to be. I could have given up the lifestyle for her, but how long would it have lasted? Eventually I would have dragged her down with me, because I’m weak when it comes to her; I’m selfish. I want all of her, in every way possible. Her pleasure, her pain; her trust, her obedience; her love, and her submission. If Simon couldn’t accept us as a ‘normal’ couple, he never would have forgiven me for making her my submissive. It would have changed her irrevocably, and I love her too much to do that to her.

Hell, is this moment, this feeling. Nothing but darkness, and despair.

It’s been five weeks since Sofia walked out of my apartment and out of my life, and it’s still as raw and painful as it was then.

Simon still won’t speak to me. Now I’m the asshole who not only had the audacity to try to date his sister, but I’m also the bastard who broke her heart. I can’t win either way. Brandon told me that they’re talking to each other again, that she gave him a hard time for a while there, but now they’re slowly beginning to rebuild their relationship. It’s what I was hoping for, but hearing it didn’t seem like much of a consolation in the face of losing her. Strange I know – I broke up with her so she could fix her relationship with her brother, but I never could have anticipated the hole that has been left inside of me.

I’m going to meet Brandon for lunch today, to try and take my mind off of everything. I haven’t set foot inside Andromeda for months, but I’m scheduled to do a master class on punishment tomorrow night, and I can’t muster any enthusiasm for it. I figured if I actually go out and interact with a friend then it might get me out of the funk I’ve been in. At least a little. I’ve been avoiding everyone lately. Brandon is so happy with Lily, Si won’t speak to me, and I really just couldn’t be bothered hanging out with anyone else and being completely fake. I’m tired of being fake with everyone, all the fucking time.

I can’t tell people I’m a Master Dominant. I can’t tell anyone at Andromeda that I’ve been in love with the same girl for over eight years and would have tried to give up the lifestyle to be with her. They wouldn’t understand. I can’t tell the bands I work with, how badly I wish I had everything that I strive to get them on a daily basis. I feel like I’m so busy being what everyone else wants me to be, that I don’t really know who I am anymore. I’m lost in my own web of deceit.

Brandon arrives with a grin on his face and a slap on the back, dragging me from my self-pity.

“How the fuck are you? I haven’t seen you since the horror that was dinner.”

“Hey, man. Things are…fine.”

“Wow. Don’t give up the day job to become an actor. You suck at it. How are you really?”

We’re seated straight away. It always helps when you’re eating with the restaurant owner. I swear he owns half of Manhattan! We order some food and drinks, and then the inquisition begins.

“What the hell happened, Nate? You told me you loved her. You finally tell Simon, and then you walk away. I don’t get it. Why didn’t you fight for her? What changed?”

So much for forgetting my troubles for a few hours.

“She did. She changed. After dinner, everything changed. She didn’t look at me the same way, she was always sad. Simon kept rejecting her calls, and I just couldn’t be the reason for that. I let her go
because
I love her. That will never change.”

“Look, I know he can be an insufferable asshole at times, but he would have come around eventually. For her, he would have. You? He might have cut your balls off, but he would’ve gotten there in the end.”

“No he wouldn’t. I get it. She’s amazing and beautiful and it’s impossible not to love her with a real intensity and a need to protect her. Whether you love her, or you’re in love with her, it’s the same. She inspires that in people. Look how you reacted when you first found out. You were ready to smear me across the wall of your building. Simon feels that tenfold, and I can’t hold that against him. He wants the best for her, and I’m not it.”

He scrubs his hand over his jaw before downing the Scotch in front of him. “Fucking hell. I was expecting a laid back lunch, some laughs and some sports talk. This is some heavy shit you’re laying on me right now.”

“I know. I’m sorry. I’m just really fucking fed up with my life at the moment.”

“Can I ask you a question? And I want an honest answer.”

“Go for it.”

“Why do you believe that you’re not what’s best for Sofia. Simon’s reaction aside. If she loves you and you love her, why wouldn’t you be good for her?”

“It’s complicated.”

“So un-fucking-complicate it for me. Whatever it is, it’s obviously eating away at you, so tell me.”

He’s right. I feel like I’m going to drown if I don’t just level with one person in my life. One person that can know who I am – all of me.

“I’m a Dominant.”

“Yeah. So? I already suspected that.”

I’m floored by his reaction. “What?”

“Come on, Nate. The way you are with women, it’s not a giant leap to connect the dots. You cover it well, but I’ve known you for a long fucking time. What I don’t understand is, why this is a problem?”

“Go say that to Si and see if he thinks it’s a problem.” Why is he so okay with this? I’ve never told anyone because I was concerned that they would judge me, that they wouldn’t understand, and here I sit with one of my closest friends, and he’s acting like I just told him the most normal thing in the world. It’s a huge weight off my shoulders.

“You know I would do anything for him, but you can’t live your life based on his opinion. If it’s what Sofia wants, what you both want, then it’s none of his business. He doesn’t exactly have a fantastic track record in the way he’s treated women. He’s made choices that I don’t agree with, but it’s his life. You make choices that I wouldn’t, but I don’t need to live your life. I do what I want with Lily, and it’s no one’s business but ours. Our relationship, physical and emotional, is only between us. I don’t give a flying fuck what anyone else thinks, and neither should you.”

“That’s just it though. I don’t know if it’s what she wanted. I never told her.”

“What the fuck?”

“We only saw each other a few times before I ended things. I never slept with her. I never told her, because I didn’t want to risk losing her. I lost her anyway in the end, so I guess I’ll never know.”

“I’m sorry man. I just assumed…when I saw you two together at dinner. She seems…I don’t know what the right terminology is…submissive, to you. You seem like a good match for each other, and Sofia craves structure. She needs it in her life.”

“The way you speak about her, you mentioned it before…did something happen to her that I don’t know about?”

“I can’t answer that, Nate. It’s not my place. Just know that she’s been through a lot, she came out the other side, and that I think you could have been good for her.”

“Maybe. I don’t know. I guess I’ll never know.”

Brandon’s phone starts to ring. “Speak of the devil himself.”

It’s Simon. “Take it. I’ll grab the waiter and get the check.”

As he holds the phone to his ear, the color drains from his face.

“We’re on our way now. What hospital?”

Shit.

He ends the call and immediately dials Lily, arranging to pick her up in a few minutes. “I’ll explain when I get there. Just be ready. I’m coming for you now.”

He shoves his phone in his pocket. Agitation and fear, clear on his face.

“What’s wrong?”

“It’s Jess. She’s in the hospital. It’s bad. I need to go.”

“I’ll come with you.”

His face drops, his expression grave as he replies. “I don’t think that’s a good idea right now. He’s a mess. Jess is…the baby…it’s bad. Really bad. I think it would be too much for him. I’ll keep you posted.”

He stands from the table and reaches for his wallet.

“Don’t even think about it. I got this. You go. Look after him, he’s like a brother to me, you both are.”

He gives me a hug. Not something we do often, but I think we both need it.

“Tell him I’m here, and that I care. If he needs anything at all, just let me know.”

“I will.”

He leaves in a hurry and I’m left alone, terrified for my friend and the loss that he’s facing. If I was a praying man, I would be on my knees, begging for Jess to pull through this. It kills me that I can’t go and be there for him, and for Jess, but I won’t be selfish. I won’t add to his problems.

She has to be okay.

He needs her to be okay.

Fuck. Sofia. What will this do to her? They’ve become so close. Losing Jess would be devastating to her. It would destroy her to see Simon broken by such a loss.

All I want to do is go to her. To comfort her, to tell her it will be okay.

I want to reassure myself that
she’s
safe and healthy.

What kind of man does that make me?