Desired and Dominated (7 page)

I thought it was hard to leave Sofia whenever I spent the holidays at her parents’ house; giving her a chaste kiss on the cheek and saying goodbye. The softness of her skin against my lips, the delicate scent of her intoxicating me as I lingered for a moment longer than I should have. The look in her eyes as I pulled away; bereft and wanting. That agony was a drop in the ocean compared to the way I felt when I left her in Italy. Ever since I got back from Verona; ever since I walked out of that room in L’Arena; ever since I walked away from
her.
..life has seemed so bland and colorless and one dimensional.

For eight years, it has been there, simmering in the background, tainting whatever small connections I have made with the subs I’ve trained. But now that I’ve tasted her; felt her writhing beneath me; seen her laid bare for me, vulnerable and desperate for my touch – she’s all I can think about. I’ve tried to suppress it with work, but everything just feels empty and lackluster.

It’s been two weeks since I got back, but it feels like forever. Simon and Jess stayed behind for a few weeks, Brandon and Lily are off on their honeymoon, and I’m right back where I started, except now, I know what I’m missing out on. It’s a brutal form of torture, but I derive a twisted pleasure from it. At least now when I lie awake at night tormenting myself with visions of Sofia, they are memories rather than fantasies. It’s a small consolation, but I need to cling to something. My world feels like it’s out of sync, and for a man like me, it’s so far out of my comfort zone. I detest not being in control of every aspect of my life.

I’m just about to head out to Andromeda for the first time since I got back, when my phone beeps. It’s a message from Sofia. I know I should ignore it and continue with my plans for the evening, but even as I think it, I’m opening her message.

Sofia: We need to talk.

Me: There’s nothing to say.

Sofia: Bullshit, and you know it.

Me: Why now?

Sofia: Because I haven’t been able to think about anything else for 2 weeks. If not for you, then for me. Please. I need to get this off my chest.

There’s something so wrong with me. Just the mention of her chest has me sporting a semi.

Me: Give me 5 mins. I’ll call you.

I put in a quick call to the club to cancel the demonstration I had planned for this evening – flogging for pleasure over pain. I was looking forward to working off some of this frustration, but I can’t ignore her need to move on. If talking about it is the only way, then I guess I need to suck it up and tell her once and for all that it was a mistake, no matter how good it felt.

I hear the foreign dial tone, and a part of me is upset, knowing that she is so far away from where I am. When she answers, the sound of her sweet, sultry voice causes a physical pain inside of me.

“Hi, Nate. Thanks for calling.”

“What is it that you feel needs to be said?”

“I…I’m angry with you for what you did in Verona.”

I take a deep breath, my heart heavy from her revelation. “You have every right to be. I’m sorry. It was a mistake, I should never have taken advantage of you like that. It was wrong of me.”

“I’m not angry because of what we did. That was amazing. It was everything I’ve ever wanted. I’m angry because you left without asking me how I felt about it. You made the decision, disregarding anything I might have to say on the matter.”

“Sofia…”

“No. You didn’t want to talk. I do. So you get to listen.” She fucking slays me from half the world away.

“Okay. I apologize. By all means, continue.”

I can hear her breathing, slightly labored, with a small waver of nerves.

“You didn’t take advantage of me that night. I’m not a child. I knew what I wanted, and I pursued you. You may have initiated that first kiss, but don’t kid yourself that I didn’t want it. I came after you; I’m the one that stripped; I’m the one that offered myself to you willingly and without expectation. You threw that back in my face.” There’s a pause, but I know that I need to let her finish. “You…hurt me, Nate. You made me question myself, and why you don’t want me; you confirmed what I already knew – that I’m not good enough for you.”

“Stop right there. That never has, and never will be true. I’m the one that’s not good enough.”

She swears under her breath before continuing. “Shouldn’t that be
my
decision to make? Why do you get to take that choice away from me? What gives you the right?”

“I only want what’s best for you.”

“So why did you kiss me then? Why did you touch me, caress me, and push me over the edge into the most amazing orgasm of my life? Why did you thrust your dick into my mouth and fuck it hard?”

“Stop talking. I can’t take it anymore. You want to know the truth?”

“YES!”

“Walking away from you was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I’ve
never
wanted a woman so badly in all my life. You were everything I ever fantasized and so much more. It took all of my strength not to make love to you.”

“But I never asked you to stop. I wanted you to do it. I still do.”

“You don’t know what you’re saying. I can’t.”

“I know exactly what I’m saying. I’m fully aware of who and what you are. I want you, every part of you.”

“We’re just going to go round in circles. We can’t be together for a lot of reasons, one of which is your brother. He would never understand. You’re his sister - his
little
sister. He knows me better than you do, and he knows that I’m not boyfriend material. I’m not the guy a woman takes home to meet the family. I love your parents like they were my own, and I would hate to see the disappointment on their faces if we got together. They love me as their son’s best friend, not as a potential partner for their daughter.”

“Fuck what any of them think. This is my life! This has nothing to do with any of them. This is about what
we
want.”

“And I’ve already told you. This can’t happen. I don’t
want
this.”

“Oh…well…you’re right then. There’s nothing left to say. I have my answer. You really don’t want me. Goodbye, Nate.” I can hear the unshed tears, thick in her voice.

“Sofia, wait. That’s not what I…”

The line goes dead.

I’m such a fucking idiot. I’m an educated man, but when I’m around her, or talking to her, I become an imbecile. I can’t string a coherent thought together without making things worse.

FUCK!

I’m left with no resolution to this situation. I can’t go to the club now, I’m too amped up to exercise control, and I can’t stomach the idea of touching another woman when I am consumed with thoughts of Sofia.

I don’t know how, but I need to fix this.

I’ve picked up the phone so many times over the past month, I’ve almost hit the call button, I’ve typed out messages and emails and talked myself out of pressing send, more times than I can count. I can never find the right words to explain. I’m not great with vocalizing how I feel. I’m great at demanding and commanding a woman to do what I want, but when it comes to me…I’m all about keeping it inside.

Sofia has an effect on me, something I can’t explain or rationalize.

I know that this is for the best.

Right after my conversation with her last month, Jess broke up with Simon, and left New York without so much as a word to anyone. He’s been a complete mess ever since. I’ve tried to be there for him when I can. Mostly, he just wanted a wing man to party harder, drink more, and forget about her. None of that has worked, but I’ve done anything he asked of me, supporting him until he’s ready to face the reality of what’s going on. Truth be told, it’s been good to have him around. It’s selfish, I know, but it’s helped me forget for a few hours here and there. Focusing on him lets me
stop
focusing on myself, and my problems.

Brandon called me today and told me that he knows where Jess is, and that he thinks it’s time to tell Si before he’s too far gone. He said something about having to bail him out of jail, and I’m sure he mentioned the office at Cube being trashed, but it all became insignificant the moment he told me that Sofia is in town and is planning to be there when Si finds out about Jess. He asked me to be there too, but I didn’t think it would be helpful to have an atmosphere between her and I, when the focus should be on Simon. I told him I had a meeting I couldn’t reschedule and that I would check in with them all tomorrow and do anything I can to help. I feel like a dick after everything he’s done for me, but I just couldn’t sit in a room with her right now without acting on it.

I try to distract myself the best way I know how, and decide that a trip to Andromeda is in order, but she invades my thoughts the entire day.

By the time I reach the door of the club, she is
all
I can think about. I walk through the bar, across the dance floor and upstairs to my room. Nothing piques my interest – nothing and no one. I could have my choice of women in here, ready and willing to submit, but it holds no appeal to me right now. Not when I know she’s in the city; when she’s within my reach.

I’m out the door and back into a cab before I’ve even formulated a plan.

“Where to?” The taxi driver turns and stares at me.

“Good question.” I give him Brandon’s address and decide that no matter what, I’m going to be there for my friend, but as I pull up in front his building, I see Sofia in the lobby.

She looks breath-taking.

I throw money at the driver and quickly make my way to the entrance to open the door for her. She’s looking down at her phone, so it’s not until she can physically feel me just inches from her that I hear her sharp intake of breath, and watch as her eyes slowly lift to meet mine.

“Hello, Sofia.”

“Fuck!” Her cheeks immediately flush red with embarrassment, and it’s so fucking cute.

“Please don’t swear at me. Your lips are far too beautiful for profanity.”

“Don’t say things like that to me, Nate. It’s not fair. You don’t get to say nice things to me.” She moves to walk past me, but I block the door. “You came to see Simon, so go and see him. I need to go.”

“I came for selfish reasons. I wanted to see you. I needed to see you.”

The look of defeat in her eyes tells me that she’ll hear me out…reluctantly. “You made your feelings quite clear the last time we spoke.”

“No, I didn’t. As usual, when I’m talking to you, I made a complete mess of what I was trying to say.”

She places her hand on my cheek, caressing the scruff on my jaw with her thumb. “Then tell me now.”

Her proximity clouds my judgement; I hate it and love it in equal measure. I’m drawn to her by an invisible force, pulling me into her orbit, and holding me captive.

Words escape me. I’m mesmerized by her lips, her smile, and the intensity of her gaze. I lean in, silently asking her permission before my mouth comes crashing down on hers. It’s the only way I can convey how much she means to me without screwing it up.

She tastes amazingly sweet, and so much better than my memories. Her hands fist in my hair, tugging me closer as she gives me everything she has. I wrap my arms around her waist and pull her through the door and out onto the street, never letting her lips break contact with my own. I push her up against the wall of the building, without a care for who’s watching. I lose all sense of right and wrong around her. All I feel is desire, want, and above all else,
need
.