Deserve (15 page)

Love you.

Those words zip around in my mind like a ricocheting bullet,
leaving chaos and destruction in its wake. I lie in the dark and try to work
through the turmoil.

If she had said it while she was at the heights of her
climax, I could have dismissed them, but she spoke at the moment when her mind
slipped into her unconscious—when her filters were nonexistent. She
believes she loves me.

I swallow, feeling unworthy—feeling like a fraud,
because Maggie doesn’t know the real me. The real me is a cold, calculating bastard
who doesn’t deserve her love.

When I decided to ask her to give us a shot, I had gamed out
the various outcomes. This was one of them, but I had not anticipated hearing
those words the first time we were together. In the back of my mind…there was
nothing in my mind because the truth was I had stopped being a rational
creature as soon as I thought of her with another man.

Yeah, I’m cold,
calculating and selfish as fuck.

Hoping the pain can bring some order to my thoughts, I yank
sharply on a chunk of my hair.
What do I
do?

The primitive part of me smirks in satisfaction that she’s
mine—body and heart—and clamors greedily for more. The rational,
civilized half hisses in disapproval, warning me that she deserves someone who
can love her in return.

You’re going to hurt
her. You should have resisted her.

I look down at her and scoff at the ridiculous notion. Her
pretty face is turned toward me, her features relaxed in slumber. There’s the
faintest hint of a smile on her lips, making me want to thump my chest like a
caveman for satisfying her.

From the moment I drooled over her ass, there was no
resisting Maggie. She’s sexy and brave and funny. I chuckle lowly, thinking
about how she made me laugh in bed. I don’t think I’ve ever fucked and laughed
at the same time. I would have thought it would be distracting, but with Maggie,
it felt fucking amazing and…right.

And hot. The best fuck of my life. I try to tell myself it’s
the months of celibacy combined with taking a woman bareback for the first
time, but I know I’m lying to myself. It’s her. Everything feels amplified when
I’m with her—like I’m experiencing everything for the first time.

But then, with Maggie, there are a lot of firsts. I’ve never
felt this
cocktail
of emotions churning in my chest.
I’ve never felt this possessive of any woman.

I grimace, wondering what I’m going to tell
Cael
. From the moment I called her yesterday, I knew I
wouldn’t hide this from him. My sense of loyalty won’t allow me to be anything
less than one hundred percent truthful with him. My only problem is finding the
right words to break it to him.

Hey, I’m an unworthy
bastard, but I’m sleeping with your sister. I can’t offer her love, but I’m a
selfish dick and I plan to keep her forever.

He’ll throat punch me with his giant fists and I wouldn’t be
able to defend myself. He, more than anyone else, knows about my fucked up
record with women. What if he demands that I give her up?

Fuck no.

I disentangle myself from Maggie and sit on the edge of the
bed. Dropping my head into my hands, I try to think through my options.

You have two choices.
One: go after this girl. Or two: don’t.

Maggie shifts on the bed and I glance over my shoulder at
her. She looks so sweet and innocent with her hand resting next to her face,
bandaged palm exposed.
Like an angel in repose.

Love you.

Hope stirs in my heart. This exquisite creature loves me. I
thump a fist over my chest. I thought the organ had stopped working when I was
fifteen, but it doesn’t feel like it now.

“I don’t deserve your love,” I say softly, knowing there is
only one real option for me. I crawl back into bed and hold her gently. She
makes a snuffling noise and scoots closer to me, making me smile.

Love you.

I put my nose against the small curve of her neck and inhale
deeply, drawing in her sweet essence. When her scent hits my lungs, I feel my
whole soul ease.

I’ll have to come up with a plan to deal with
Cael
, but giving her up is not going to happen. I am not worthy
of her, but I’m a selfish, manipulative asshole. I’m going to do everything
possible to keep her.

If I play my cards right, she’ll never know what a bastard I
am.

A soft touch on my waist wakes me up, making me giggle. I
open my eyes. Morning sunlight streams through the half-open window. The low
hum from outside lets me know the city is coming to life.

“Ticklish, are you?” A deep voice rasps behind me.

Suddenly the euphoria from last night floods back and I grin
dopily. Never could I have imagined I would end up in Sean Rowan’s bed after
years of fantasizing about this moment. Another light brush of Sean’s hands
makes me squeal with laughter. “Don’t!” I shriek, trying to twist out of his touch,
but he grasps my waist and pulls me against him.

He’s hard and ready for me and I involuntarily press my
backside closer to him. My smile threatens to split my face when I hear him
groan.

“Behave.”

I wiggle my hips in answer and he mutters an expletive under
his breath before he pushes me onto my stomach, one large hand between my
shoulder blades and the other right on the small of my back. His hold is
gentle, but I freeze for a second, remembering last night. Then the caress of
his large hand on my backside brings me back to the present. I breathe in
deeply, reminding myself that I’m completely safe. The sheets have been shoved
below my waist, exposing me to his gaze, and I fight my self-consciousness.

He’s quiet for a long time and I turn my head to look at
him. With his hair sticking out in all directions and a prickly growth of hair
on his jaw and cheeks, he looks so sexy. I feel a melting sensation in my core.
God, this man is potent.

Eyes glued on my hip, he clenches his jaw. I glance down and
grimace at the darkening bruise on my hipbone. “It looks worse than it feels,
Sean.”

His mouth flattens and there is a deadly glint in his eyes.
“Fuck! If I had only arrived sooner…”

Twisting around, I sit up and fling my arms around his neck,
staring earnestly into his eyes. “No! Stop it. You saved me from rape and
probably something worse. Don’t think about what could have been. You’re my
hero.”

A look of torment passes over his face. “Maggie, I’m no
hero.”

“You are to me.” Mentally shaking my head at his modesty, I
lean down to kiss the frown off his lips. He opens his mouth, instantly
deepening the kiss. My eyes flutter closed in happiness.

Breaking our kiss, he leans back against the headboard and
settles me astride him. His erection is thick and insistent, but he doesn’t
seem to be in a hurry. His gaze wanders leisurely over my slight curves.

I have a bad moment when I remember all the beautiful models
he’s bedded, but from the way his eyes glint with hunger, he doesn’t seem to
find me lacking. His hands clasp my butt cheeks, massaging deeply.

He says with a mock leer, “Your ass is a goddamn work of
art.”

Blushing, I tease, “I didn’t realize you were an ass
connoisseur.”

His eyes darken. “I am now.” The way his fingers dig into my
flesh makes me wet and needy in milliseconds. I kiss him and skim my fingertips
over his hard chest and arm muscles. It’s hard to choose where to place my
hands so I let them roam everywhere, reveling in the play of hot skin stretched
over sinew and bone.

His hands stroke down the sensitive back of my thighs and I
start to giggle again. His touch becomes rougher and my laugh turns into a
moan.

“Sean, I want you.” I have no shame when it comes to this
man.

He licks a line from chin to my earlobe. “I want you too,
angel. Put your hands on the headboard and ride me.”

I still, feeling awe steal into my heart. “You keep calling
me that.”

“What?” he asks, looking puzzled.

“Angel,” I say shyly, pleasure warming my cheeks. “You
called me that last night.”

He pulls me in to for a hard, wet kiss and says earnestly,
“That’s because you are. You’re an avenging angel, saving me from my father and
saving your friend from the psycho.” He grins. “The image of you facing off
with the Senator will go down as one of the most memorable moments of my life”

My blush intensifies and I protest, “I’m not an angel.”

His gaze cuts to my very soul. “You are to me.”

Feeling a surge of love, I bend down to kiss him, learning
every texture of his beautiful mouth, breaking away only when we are both short
of breath.

I rise onto my knees and place my hands on either side of
him. I glance down to see him grasp the base of his cock and direct the tip to
my slit. The view is so damn sexy and I can’t take my eyes off of him.
Yesterday I didn’t have a chance to see him in the dark. In the morning light,
he’s more impressive than I could have imagined and I make a vaguely hungry
noise in the back of my throat. My hips are moving before I’m aware of it as I
graze the velvety soft head of his cock with my wet folds.

“Fuck, that’s so sexy. You’re so goddamn sexy,” he says, his
head bent to stare at where we are intimately touching.

Feeling braver with each word of praise, I roll my hips so
he nudges into my entrance, drawing a loud exhale from him.

“Again,” he demands and this time I press down until his tip
is lodge into my pussy. I throw my head back and fight to not drive my weight
down on him. It’s too good to rush.

My attention snaps back to him when I feel his hot mouth
envelop the hard peak of my breast. He sucks lightly on my right nipple. My
muscles tighten on his cock and he nips my bud, making me cry out. Then he
switches to the other side and this time, he employs his teeth immediately.

I lower my weight onto him, slowly sheathing inches into my
body. He feels scorching hot. My legs tremble from the effort of holding back
when all I want to do is ride him like a cowgirl at the rodeo.

Sean lets go of my nipple and shouts with laughter. That’s
when I realize I’ve voiced the last part of my thoughts out loud. His shaking
makes me lose my concentration and I let my hips drop, taking his full length.
His laugh mutates into a long moan and I would have smiled if all the breath
had not been driven out of my lungs.

“Jesus,” I mutter, shifting to adjust to his penetration.
He’s on the verge of being…too much, but he feels freaking amazing too.
Tightening my inner thighs, I pull my hips back and forth. “Freaking amazing.”

There’s a light sheen of sweat on his torso and I bend down
to lick along the contours of his
pecs
, tasting the
saltiness of his skin. Spearing his fingers into my hair, he tugs lightly until
I meet his gaze.

“Come on, cowgirl. Ride me.” His blue eyes are sparkling
with a combination of lust and humor and I love the look on him.

I start working my hips against him. His hands move to cup
my ass, pulling and pushing, amplifying each motion. The friction is exquisite
and we both pick up the pace. Our moans mix together into something musical,
each of his low grunts followed by my cries. My lower belly knots tighter and I
slam my hips against him, seeking relief from the tension. It builds higher and
higher until it borders on pain. My breaths come out in short,
desperate bursts as my body starts
to tremble with the
strain.

Just as a small sob of frustration emerges out of my mouth,
Sean’s hand grazes along hip, shoving me into a fit of laughter. Every muscle
in my body relaxes and it’s exactly what I need to plunge over the edge.

A high note escapes my mouth as the tightness unravels in my
core. My orgasm is long and powerful and my head feels like it’s floating in
the clouds. Sean shouts his release and bucks his hips hard, sending little
aftershocks throughout my body. We ride the pleasure for as long as we can
before we become too sensitive, forcing us to disconnect. I curl up next to
him, feeling utterly spent and utterly satisfied.

I have never known pleasure like this. Granted, I hadn’t
been with a lot of guys, but I always thought my last boyfriend, Asher, was
pretty skilled. Sean has blown all my expectations out of the stratosphere.

“Damn. This stallion needs to be put out to pasture after
that ride, cowgirl.”

Barely restraining my betraying laughter, I twist my head to
look at him and sniff disdainfully. “Who says you’re the stallion?” My eyes
scan down his body and I swallow when I reach his groin. Damn, he looks
scrumptious. I force my eyes to meet his and lie through my teeth, “Looks more
like a gelding to me.”

“I’ll show you gelding!” The man goes for the jugular and
starts to tickle me, sending me running to the bathroom. I’m too slow to close
the door on him, but then locking Sean out is the last thing I want to do now
that I have him.

Do you have him?

Seeing the unclouded look in his eyes, I squelch my nagging doubts.
At least my inadvertent confession last night had not sent him running for the
hills. Most men would freak out when a girl says those terrifying words the
first time they have sex.

Smooth,
Maggie.

We shower together, but to my regret, he takes one look at my
purple bruises and decides he won’t follow up on his threat. Not allowing me to
lift a finger, he gently washes every inch of my body with his large hands. I
can’t remember when I’ve felt so cherished. After we step out of the shower, he
wraps me in the most luxurious towel I’ve ever felt.

“Do you have any moisturizer?” I ask, blotting the wet ends
of my hair.

“Here,” he says, taking a tube of body lotion from the top
shelf.

I hold back an eye-roll. “Don’t you have face moisturizer?”

He looks at me uncomprehendingly.

Shaking my head at the difference between men and women, I
ask, “Did any of your ex-girlfriends leave toiletries behind?” I won’t like
using his exes’ things, but the alternative is itchy skin for the day.

“They don’t normally stay over,” he says absently, searching
the shelves.

“Oh.” Inordinately pleased by his statement, I decide itchy
skin is not so bad. I hold up the lotion with a smile. “This is fine.”

“I’ll go make us some coffee. Then we’ll stop by your dorm
so you can change and pack. I’ll see if I can find you something to wear in the
meantime.” With a quick smack on my lips, he walks out of the bathroom. I stare
after him, feeling bemused and frighteningly happy.

Shaking myself out of my trance, I slather lotion on my body
and place it back into the cabinet. As I shut the door, I see my reflection and
I stand back to study the woman in the mirror. Her eyes are shining with an
inner light and there’s an irrepressible smile on her lips. I hug myself and
make a little squeak of joy.

Impatient to be with Sean, I hurry into the bedroom. Neatly
folded on the bed
is
a grey cashmere sweater and my
clothes from last night. Sean must have retrieved them from the guestroom. After
putting on my bra, I pull on the sweater, reveling in how soft it feels against
my skin. I have to fold the sleeves several times and the hem almost reaches my
knee. Raising my arm, I press my nose into the sleeve. Sadly it doesn’t smell
like Sean, but I detect the faint fragrance of his detergent.

I regard my leggings with revulsion. They’re torn and dirty
and worst of all, they’re also a memento of yesterday night’s horror. I shudder.
In the end, I yank them on because I don’t have any other options, but as soon
as I get to my dorm, the leggings need to go. Too bad they don’t allow bonfires
in the city.

I rush downstairs. With each step, I feel an achiness deep
inside. The constant reminder of him
—of
us—
keeps my body on a low hum.

Sean is standing at the kitchen window, looking out at the
view. He’s dressed in old comfortable jeans and a navy pullover. He turns at
the sound of my footsteps and I speed up my gait, throwing myself into his
arms. “Thanks for the sweater.”

He folds me into his arms and kisses my head. “You’re
welcome. Let’s take care of your hands,” he says and reaches for the first aid
kit.

I stare at him as he applies antibiotic cream on my scrapes
and carefully secures the bandages. He’s says he’s not a hero, but these little
considerate gestures are what makes him heroic to me.

“Are you hungry?” he asks, dabbing cream on my cheek.

“Yes.” My stomach growls embarrassingly on cue and he
chuckles. Stepping back, he points to the kitchen table. “Sit down.” He washes
his hands and takes a Danish out of a plain white bag. Placing it on a plate,
he sets it in front of me. He pours me a mug of coffee puts two sugars in it—just
the way I like it—and sits across from me.

“When did you have time to go get this?” I take another bite
of my buttery pastry and close my eyes at the way the flavors meld together.
“Hmm…”

“I called earlier to have this delivered.”

I shake my head and tease, “Now you’re acting like a
billionaire.” I snap my fingers. “I want food. Pronto!”

He flicks my nose and growls. “You’re a smart-ass.” He makes
a playful grab for my Danish and I stuff the remainder into my mouth, making my
cheeks bulge like a chipmunk’s.

Charming,
Maggie.
I bet none of his
other dates behave like a savage.
Knowing I look ridiculous, I try to chew
and swallow my food.

He laughs and leans over to kiss my mouth, licking at the
flaky crumbs at the corner of my mouth. I keep my lips firmly sealed, too
embarrassed to return his kiss and he sits back with a twinkle in his eyes.

I take a few gulps of the coffee, washing down the last bite
and brace myself to ask the question nagging at me all morning. “What should we
tell
Cael
?” I observe him carefully, knowing this is
the crux of the issue with us being together for him.

He expels a deep breath, face sobering. His hands press against
the surface of the table, fingers taut. He asks quietly, “What do you want to
tell him?”

Dating in secret makes it feel furtive, as if we have
something to hide, and I don’t like it, but if we tell
Cael
and he disapproves, would Sean decide his loyalty to my brother is more
important that what we may have? Sean hasn’t exactly lived the life of a monk
and my brother is likely to go into his overprotective mode. Recalling
Cael’s
argument with Rachel, I make a snap decision.