Defining Moments (25 page)

Wow.

It’s probably just a denial letter. I sent my application and resume in for this months and months ago on a whim.

I slide my finger under the flap and slowly pull the crisp stationary pages out.

Dear Ms. Harper,

The Italia Culinary Art School is happy to announce that you have been chosen to become one of the few esteemed individuals for our new home cooking tour internship program.

The letter goes on to explain the program in great detail, and I quickly scan the rest of it, knowing I’ll read it again later. With my hand pressed to my mouth, Eli notices me and rushes over with concern. He slowly removes the letter from my hand and reads over it. His mouth drops open and his eyes go wide when he realizes what it is.

“Holy shit, Mom!” he basically shouts. “When did you do this?”

I shake my head back and forth, still completely floored they chose me.

“I put in for it months ago when I was putting in resumes all over town. I actually did it on a whim when one of the other ladies in my graduating class mentioned how cool it would be. I never in a million years expected this.”

He studies my face for a minute before he speaks again.

“You’re going to do this. You have too. It’s an amazing opportunity!”

“I don’t know, Eli. This would mean I’d be moving to Italy for a while!”

“We need Destry and Ben to weigh in on this, Mom. We need to talk about this.”

“Not today. I need to process this and think about it before we bring them into this, son. It’s not up for discussion right now.”

“But, Mom, it says you have to reply within fourteen days of the date of the letter to accept. That only leaves you four days to decide.”

Wow. Four days to decide if I want to move across the world. That’s not enough time.

I promise Eli I’ll think about it. I need to wrap my head around it first before I discuss it seriously with them.

There is a knock at the door, and just as I move to answer it, Eli grabs my hand. “Mom, I know you need time to think about it. But I feel like I need to say this, so please listen. My whole life, our whole lives, you’ve taken care of everything.
You.
And you’ve always put your wants and needs behind ours. I know you’re going to struggle with the idea of leaving us, because, well, you’re you.” He pauses to chuckle. “But you need to know that you, 100 percent, have my support if you decide to do this. It’s time for you to let go and do something for yourself. This is an amazing opportunity. Ben, Destry, and I will be fine.” He kisses my forehead and heads for the door, stopping right before he opens it.

“And Cord’s a good man. If he cares about you as much as I think he does, he’ll wait.”

I’m glad everyone is showing up, because I don’t have a response for what Eli just said, because I’m pretty sure Saint won’t care if I go or not.

DINNER IS AMAZING,
and I wish Saint had been here to enjoy it with us. I’ve checked my phone a few times to see if he texted or called, but he hasn’t. When everyone asked where Cord was, I just told them he hadn’t been feeling well and had to go home. I made him a plate and had Ben take it over to him, but Ben came back with the plate and said he didn’t answer the door.

After everyone has eaten and we’ve sat around and chatted long enough, I inform them all it’s time for my pain pill and bedtime, and it’s true. My wrist has not stopped throbbing since I woke up, and I really need to take the pain pill now. We say our goodbyes, and as I open the door to walk them out, my eyes meet Saint’s just as he’s about to shut the door, he pauses, no emotion whatsoever on his face, then slams the door shut, causing me to jump.

“That was weird,” Ben says under his breath. I feel the tears start to pool in my eyes, so I smile quickly to make my eyes squint and make the wetness less noticeable.

“He must have gone to get medicine or something,” I mutter.

“Night, Mom,” Ben cheers. “Thanks for dinner. I’ll call you tomorrow.”

I tell him I love him and then let Eli pull me into a tender hug. “You need to talk to Ben and Destry soon, Ma. You need to go. It will be an amazing experience for you,” he whispers.

I nod and then turn to hug Claire and Tyler. They’ve been unusually quiet tonight, which surprises me. I know something is going on, but they act like I’m a china doll at this point, so my guess is they’ll tell me when they’re ready.

Once everyone is gone, I walk into the kitchen, take a pain pill, grab a glass of water and head off to bed.

Just as I start to feel the effects of the pain pill, I decide to text Saint. He’s probably right. I shouldn’t have let Justin get to me, and I shouldn’t have cheapened what we have by lashing out at Justin with lies.

Me: I’m sorry, Saint. I shouldn’t have said those things to Justin. I was just pissed and wanted to hurt him.

I lay the phone beside me on the bed. I wedge a pillow behind me so I don’t once again make the mistake of rolling onto my left side. Then I pull the covers up to my chin. My eyes are getting heavy and I’m starting to think he won’t respond when my phone chimes.

Saint: Doesn’t matter. Good luck in your recovery, Ellie. Let me know when you’re ready to come back to work.–Cord

Ouch. Okay. So, still mad and not planning to see me again until I’m ready to go back to work, which could be months away . . .
and
he signed it Cord after I called him Saint. Yep, he’s still pissed . . . which makes me pissed.

Me: Okay. Well, I need to talk to you tomorrow. Think you can spare me five minutes?

He doesn’t respond again. Between the emotions of this day, my fight with Saint, and now the pain killer pulling me under, I’ve just had enough. I throw my phone on the floor beside my bed and close my eyes. I’m going to Italy. I just need to figure out how to get my boys together to talk to them about it.

I sleep like crap all night. Between my worry about how my boys will take me going to Italy and if Saint will even care when I tell him I’m leaving, my brain just won’t turn off. I’m sure the boys will be okay with it, but the idea of leaving them is killing me. Saint on the other hand, I think I’m afraid to tell because I’m terrified he won’t care. He’s obviously still pissed at me.

The next morning, I wake late because I didn’t actually really fall asleep until the sun was almost up. I do some laundry and catch up on some housework that hasn’t been done in a few days.

I’m sitting on the balcony with a small glass of red wine when Cord comes over in the early afternoon. To say I’m shocked is an understatement, especially since I’m on the balcony and he came into my apartment without me letting him in.

“Should you be drinking wine while taking that medicine?” he asks sternly, unease thick in his voice.

“Doesn’t matter,” I throw his words back at him. “I needed this today.”

His posture stiffens immediately and he goes on the offensive. “What’s wrong? What happened?” he asks quickly.

“Stop. I just wanted to talk to you real quick if you have a second,” I say firmly.

He takes a deep breath, leans his head back, and growls, “I’m here, right? Let’s hear it.”

I lift the letter up for him to take and watch his face as he begins to read it. He reads the whole thing, not once showing any emotion. When he’s done reading it, he places it on the table between us but doesn’t say anything.

“I need to know what you’re thinking,” I request calmly.

He holds up his finger and goes inside, coming back a few minutes later with a glass of wine. At least he didn’t just walk out; that’s a good sign.

“Are . . . are you going?” he stammers.

“I don’t know. That’s why I wanted to talk to you.”

Cord stands and sets his wine glass down before taking my wine glass and setting it down on top of the letter on the table. Grabbing my hand, he pulls me up gently.

“You up for a walk, E?”

I nod in response.

“Go put on some good shoes. We need a good nature walk.”

He grabs a couple of bottles of water and meets me at the front door. We walk hand in hand to the trailhead, neither of us speaking for a long while. We take it slow, avoiding any of the paths that are too steep. It’s leisurely and I’m enjoying the late afternoon chill.

When we reach the field of wildflowers, he stops and looks out at the scenery. Standing behind him, watching his shoulders slump, I know he’s fighting with himself on how to handle this news. I feel the exhaustion setting in. I step around Cord and walk out into the field. Then lying down on my back, I stare up at the afternoon sky, transfixed by its beauty.

I care a great deal about Cord, but he’s pissed at me, and like Eli said earlier, my whole life I’ve spent taking care of other people and their happiness, and now it’s my time to make myself happy. It’s my time to do something I love and makes me happy, without that happiness being attached to anyone else. If I chose to go to Italy, it will be 100 percent for me. Although it feels selfish, it’s also liberating to know I’ve worked hard for this, I deserve it, and there is nothing holding me back. I deserve to do something for myself.

I’m so exhausted that I can’t imagine getting off my wildflower bed. I lay still for what seems like too long before I feel Cord lay down beside me.

He laces his fingers through mine and squeezes it tight. “You should go, Ellie. You should do this for you. Although I’m still mad at you for what happened yesterday, this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for you, and maybe it will give you the closure you need.”

I feel the tears threatening, but I don’t hold them back; I let them spill down the sides of my face. This man, who has only known me for a few short months, knows I need this trip. He can tell how important it is to me and he is willing to give me up for my own selfish happiness.

I squeeze his hand in response, letting the tears flow freely. I think this moment is the exact moment I realize I am falling in love with Cord.

I’M NOT SURE HOW
much times passes before I feel arms lifting me from the ground and carrying me, cradled like a small child. I’m so truly exhausted that I can’t even bring myself to argue with him. We have to be at least a mile from the apartment, but I know Cord won’t allow me to walk, even if I could pry my eyes open.

When I wake again, I’m lying in bed. How Cord carried me all the way back to the apartments is beyond me. When I roll over, I’m surprised to see Cord’s beautiful face lying next to me.

He’s is so relaxed and gorgeous. I gently touch his cheek, cupping my hand against it. He stirs for a moment, a small smile playing on his lips, before he pulls my hands to his lips and mumbles words that make my heart stop.

“I love you, Mal.”

FEELING THE WARMTH
of his body against mine keeps me from opening my eyes. I don’t want this to end, but I know in the back of my mind that today will probably be our only time together like this.

After hearing Cord utter those words last night, it wasn’t hard for me to make the decision to accept the internship in Italy. He isn’t ready, and I don’t deserve second best. He had been pissed at me for not being over what Justin did to me, but at the same time, he obviously hasn’t let Maloree go. I gently pry his arm from around my waist, but freeze when he starts to stir. I need him to sleep a little bit longer so I have a moment to myself before I have to face him.