Defining Moments (26 page)

When his breathing evens out once again, I slowly drag my body from bed and head for the bathroom. A long hot shower will probably help my sore muscles.

The hike last night exhausted me more than I ever expected, but I remember the moment in our field of wildflowers, when he told me I should go. He’s right, and I will.

I let the hot water beat down on me for longer than I’d planned, accepting the pain from the road rash as the water hits it. When I step back into my room, I see my bed is empty. My heart drops a little at his absence, but I know I have no reason to hold on to him. Apparently, neither of us is ready.

I dress quickly and head for the living room. There is a note on the kitchen bar.

Had to go to the restaurant for an emergency. Call you later.

He ran. Somehow, I knew he would.

I go out onto the balcony where I left the letter. I bring the wine glasses inside and place them in the sink. I’ll worry about dishes later.

Before I can change my mind, I call the phone number on the letter and accept the invitation. My body and mind go numb as the man gives me directions on how to find a place to reside, setting up transportation, and when I am expected to be where. I’m thankful when he informs me that an email will be sent with all the major details. I hadn’t comprehended most of what he’d said.

After a small bowl of fruit and a cup of peppermint tea for breakfast, I send a text to Ben and Eli asking them to come over for dinner tonight and text Destry saying we’ll video chat him in on the conversation this evening. No sense in putting it off.

They all agree to 6 p.m. I throw my hair into a bun and text Claire saying she must come over for lunch because I have something important to talk to her about. She shows up at my place an hour later like I figured she would.

“
WHAT’S GOING ON, CHICA?
How are you feeling?” Claire asks sweetly.

“Other than being sore, I’m feeling great,” I take a deep breath before I hand her the letter.

She reads over it, her eyes welling with tears.

“Are you moving to Italy?” she chokes out.

“Not moving, but yes, I’m going to Italy. I accepted the position this morning.”

She wraps her arms around me, pulling me to her gently. “I can’t believe you’re actually leaving!”

“I’m not leaving for good, Claire. I’m doing an internship, and then I’ll be back,” I tell her, my voice unsure. Truthfully, I don’t know when I’ll be back. I can feel it deep down in my soul that I need this trip. I need the disconnect; the time to heal my heart, both physically and emotionally, from both Justin and Saint.

“Well, I’m damn proud of you, girl. That’s a big decision to make. What do the boys think? Have you told Justin? How’s Cord taking the news?” she fires questions at me.

I laugh at her excitement. “Slow down. Eli knows and supports it, but I haven’t told Destry and Ben yet. I’ll discuss it with them tonight at dinner. I’m not telling Justin because it’s none of his business, and Cord told me last night he thinks I should go.”

The look on her face tells me she’s not so sure she believes that Cord thinks I should go.

“Have you slept with him yet?”

“A couple of times actually,” I grumble, “but if you’re asking if we’ve had sex, then the answer is no. Now that I know I’m leaving, sex is not an option.”

“And why the hell not?” she gripes.

“Because, Claire! To me, sex is the most intimate connection with someone you are in a relationship with, someone you love. I know that’s old-fashioned and not everyone feels that way, but I do! Am I crazy attracted to Cord? Abso-freakin-lutely, but with me leaving, having sex with Cord will just make me miss him that much more because it will connect us more than we are already connected,” I shriek.

I watch as understanding crosses her face. “You love him.”

“No, I care about him deeply though, and I know, if I sleep with him, that will be me giving him my heart, and I don’t know if I’m ready for that. Plus, I know he’s not ready to give me the kind of love I deserve,” I wail.

“What does that mean, Ellie? How do you know how he feels? Did he tell you he’s not ready?” she booms.

“Yes, he did as a matter of fact!” I scream back. “When he pulled me close to him in my bed this morning and whispered to his dead wife that he loves her.”

Claire’s eyes immediately go wide and she whispers, “Oh shit.”

“Yeah, so
no,
I won’t be sleeping with him,” I hiss.

“I’m sorry, Ellie. I didn’t know,” she retorts.

“I don’t want to talk about this anymore. I would really like your blessing on this journey I’m going to start. I need to know you’re behind me and will talk to me when I call you at weird hours to chat about my day,” I tell her honestly.

“I’m 100 percent behind you, sweets. You deserve this trip, and I promise I won’t yell at you when you call me at three in the morning to chat,” she jokes. I know she would totally yell at me because Claire is
not
a morning person.

She pulls me to her and hugs me tight. “I’m going to miss you big time, girl.”

“I have two weeks before I have to leave. We’ve got some planning to do.” I squeeze her back and then pull away. I don’t want to get any sappier than we’ve already gotten. I’m not leaving tomorrow. Two more weeks.

“Now, you get back to work. I’ve got stuff to do today. I need to go to Saint and speak to Angelica about resigning my position. I need to get groceries to make dinner for my boys tonight so I can tell them I accepted the internship, and I need to tell Cord I’m leaving and don’t expect him to wait for me,” I list off all those things like they’re not huge deals.

“Go easy on Cord. He cares for you a great deal, Ellie,” she argues.

“He’ll be just fine.”

She nods, hugs me once more, and then is out the door like a flash.

AFTER I QUICKLY SHOWER
and get ready for my day, I head to Saint to talk to Angelica.

When I pull into the parking lot, the first thing I notice is that none of Cord’s vehicles are here. So either the emergency got taken care of fairly quickly or he lied. I’d planned to tell him first, but since he’s not here, I guess I’ll just go ahead and tell Angelica now.

When I make it back to Angelica’s office, the door is shut. I knock gently and turn the handle to enter, but stop when I hear Bishop’s voice.

“I don’t care what he said, Angelica. He is going to be devastated when she leaves,” Bishop shouts.

“I know that as well as you do, but you know he won’t ask her to stay,” Angelica tells him gently.

“Cord said he needs to let her go. That she needs this time to heal from all she’s been through,” Bishop replies much softer. “But what about what he’s been through? It’s obvious when he looks at her that he’s falling hard for her, and if she goes, I’m afraid he’ll fall back into the depressed asshole he was after Mal died.”

I hear Angelica walking, her heels clicking on the hardwood floor, but they sound like they’re getting further away rather than closer.

“Where did he go anyway? I saw him leaving the parking lot a little while ago.”

“He said he needed time to think and was going to head up to his new place,” Angelica tells him.

I figure that’s my cue to interrupt them and give them my news. I know Cord is going to be upset I am leaving, but whether he’ll ever admit it or not, he is not ready.

He has not let go of Maloree, and I can’t compete with that.

I gently push the door open and walk inside, closing the door behind me. They both look up at me nervously and Angelica takes a step toward me, but I hold my hand up to stop her.

“I know Cord told you guys already that I’m considering taking a position in Italy, and I know you guys are concerned for Cord’s reaction when I go. I’m not making this decision lightly. My entire life is here, including my children, but for once in my life, I’m making a decision for my own happiness. I care for Cord deeply, and I can only pray he will continue to be my friend while I’m away, but I can’t and won’t ask him to wait. You both know as well as I do that he has not let go of Maloree, and I deserve better than second best,” I croak.

“I think you’re wrong about that. He let her go a long time ago. He’s just scared and doesn’t know how to handle the feelings he has for you. He’s falling in love with you, Ellie, and it’s been a long time since he’s opened his heart to someone else,” Angelica stammers.

I see tears rolling down her face, and Bishop rushes to her side, pulling her into him and hugging her tightly.

“I need for you guys to understand this decision was extremely hard for me too, and I’m not making it to hurt Cord in any way,” I plead. “In the short amount of time Cord and I have known each other, he has become one of my best friends. I feel myself falling in love with him and I don’t know if that’s right for either of us since we’re still learning to let go of our pasts.”

Bishop lets go of Angelica and walks to me quickly. When he’s only a step away, he stops and grabs my hands.

“Listen to me, Ellie. Yes, Cord was devastated when Mal died, but their relationship was basically nonexistent by then. They were two broken people, married and living in the same house, but had never lived as husband and wife. I’m sure he didn’t tell you that because he didn’t want you to think he didn’t love her, because he loved her greatly. She was broken, Ellie. What those boys did to her destroyed the person she was, and we never got her back. Cord believed in his heart he could fix her, but Sami and I knew different. It had been years and she was still not willing to let it go. Therapy didn’t help. Cord’s love didn’t help. Sami’s friendship didn’t help. Sami had been through the same thing she had, but Sami wanted to be better, to get better. Mal couldn’t let it go and couldn’t move on from it,” Bishop confesses.

I can feel the tears sliding down my face, but the pain I see in Bishop’s eyes destroys me. Angelica walks up beside me and she places her hand on my shoulder.

“Mal’s death was very hard on Cord, but he’d lost her years before. They had been living a shell of a life, in a house she refused to leave. He will never admit it, but his depression was due to his inability to fix her. Not all of his anger and aftermath was because of her death. I know he feels guilty about that and will never admit it, but the Maloree he loved died the night those boys raped her.”

The three of us are standing together, holding on like we’re each other’s lifelines. When the door to Angelica’s office slams open, we all freeze.

“Well, I think that’ll be enough gossiping for the day,” Cord interrupts, sounding furious. “Ellie, I assume you came to give your two weeks’ notice. I’ll accept that. I appreciate you coming down to do it in person, and now you can leave.”

“Cord, don’t do this,” Angelica cries. “If you heard what we were discussing, you know what we said is the truth. Ellie has a right to know if there is any hope for you two.”

“No,” Cord roars. “What I do know, dear sister, is that you and Bishop have no right to discuss my relationship with Maloree with a stranger, especially one lying to herself about still being hung up on her ex-husband.” He directs his wild eyes to mine, before yelling, “Ellie, GO!” I see the fierceness in his eyes and know there is nothing I can say to fix this. He’s shutting me out completely.

My heart pounds and the tears fall. I can see the veins in Cord’s neck swelling, and his face is bright red. He is beyond reasoning at this point, and this conversation needs to be between him and his siblings. Because he’s right, in the grand scheme of things, I’m just a stranger to them all.

Without a word, I walk past Cord without meeting his eyes and walk straight out the door, shutting it gently behind me. I hear Angelica call my name, but I don’t turn back and pick up the pace.

I’m in my car and pulling out of the parking lot when Bishop bursts through the back door, hollering something I can’t hear. The blood is rushing in my ears and I know I need to calm myself down. I drive a mile or so away and pull into a secluded parking lot.

I don’t need two weeks to get ready to leave. I’m ready to go now. I feel like I’m going to have a heart attack because of the stress in my life for Christ’s sake, and all this is the last thing I need. I have children who need me and I want to watch them get married and have babies. I want to roll around on the ground with my grandbabies and spoil them rotten. What I don’t need is this stress. What I need is to be a continent away from all of this drama . . . away from Cord and Justin and the worries that go along with both.