Deeper (16 page)

I
know Ryder said that he’d been sick, but he looked like complete shit, like he
hadn’t slept in days. He was at least a good thirty pounds lighter than the
last time I had seen him, and his skin looked a tad bit ashy.

“Well,
holy shit,” he said, smiling at us as we walked up to embrace him. “I always
knew you boys would headline here one day.”

Ryder
smiled and jogged over to Alan and Rose. We all took turns hugging the both of
them and when we were finished, Ryder said, “It’s good to see you guys, I’m so
glad you could make it!”

“Oh
honey, we wouldn’t have missed this for anything,” Rose said sweetly.

“Dad,
don’t take this the wrong way, but you look like fucking hell.”

Alan
laughed and said, “Well, it’s nice to see you too, you little shit.”

Ryder
smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes. “Seriously, are you okay?”

“Oh
son, stop worrying. I’m fine, I just have a little cough. It’s probably a touch
of pneumonia.” Alan waved his hand in the air, which was his signal that he was
done talking about the subject.

“So,
is it just you guys tonight?” Beau asked.

My
heart sank. If it was just the two of them then that meant that Jessie didn’t
come after all. No one said she would be here and I was stupid enough to let
myself hope even for a second that she would be here. Suddenly, I felt the air
start to get thick and heavy in the arena.

 “Listen,
I’m going to go get some air. I’ll be back in a second,” I said.

“You
okay, son?” Alan asked me, placing his hand on my arm as I moved past.

“Ah
yeah, I’m cool. I’m just getting a little warm. I’ll be right back,” I said,
patting his upper arm and giving him a reassuring smile.

I
walked out into the hallway and started jogging. I felt pain stabbing at me and
I didn’t want to be around anyone when I was overcome with hurt from being
disappointed yet again. As soon as I reached one of the arena’s side doors I
pushed through and sucked the fresh summer air into my lungs. Suddenly, as I
was trying to calm myself down, I caught a familiar floral scent…and I froze.

I
couldn’t move. Closing my eyes, I inhaled deeply and suddenly felt my chest
tighten. I didn’t even need to turn around to know someone had just come up
behind me because I could feel it, feel
her
.

As
I turned around, my heart was pounding so hard I thought it would beat through
my chest.

“Kris?”
she asked softly. I slowly turned around and my eyes immediately landed on the
most breathtakingly beautiful woman in the entire world.

She
was here. My Jess was here. Standing in front me. Talking to me. Looking happy
to see me. I reached out a shaking hand and gently touched her arm and gasped
at the feel of her soft, supple skin. She wasn’t a mirage. She was real.

“J-Jess?”
I stammered, blinking my eyes to make sure that she was really here. My mind
had played tricks on me before.

“It’s
so good to see you. Can I…can I have a hug?” she asked. I dumbly nodded and she
smiled as she closed the distance between us and wrapped her arms around my
torso. I was shaking as she held onto me, the scent of her perfume invading my
senses. I instinctively wrapped my arms around her and once she was fully in my
arms, I felt warmth spread through me.

“I’ve
missed you so much,” she said, her voice breaking.

I
swallowed hard. “You have?” I asked, gravel in my voice.

“Of
course I have,” she answered as she pulled away. I instantly wanted to pull her
back into my arms and hold her again. I didn’t want there to be any space
between us.

“I
can’t believe you’re actually headlining tonight. I always knew you’d make it
here.”

“Yeah,”
I said, nervously shuffling my feet. “You, uh…you look beautiful.”

She
really did. She looked like she’d maybe put on a good five pounds since I last
saw her, but that was a good thing. When she was in the hospital she was so
frail and she looked so much better now than she did then. Her hair was a
little shorter than it used to be but it still hung down to the middle of her
back and looked shinier. Her blue eyes were bright and focused on me and
despite her smile, she seemed nervous.

“Thank
you. You look incredible too,” she answered. “Is it okay that I’m here? When
Ryder called me a few days ago and told me he was sending a ticket I was
nervous that you might not want to see me.”

“Of
course I want to see you. I want you here,” I stated. “I’ve really missed you,
Jess.”

She
nervously tucked her long, glossy hair behind her ears.

“I’ve
missed you too, Kris.”

Deciding
that we could get to all the heavy shit later, I tugged on her arm and said,
“Come on, let’s go inside. I bet the guys will be stoked to see you.”

“Okay,”
she answered sweetly.

I
felt my heart speed up again. “I’m glad you’re here, Jess. Tonight wouldn’t
have felt right without you.”

She
nodded as I held the door open for her. “Really?”

I
smiled. “Really. So, how have you been?” I asked as we walked inside. There
were a million things I wanted to ask and say but that was the only thing that
I could say at that point. I was just so happy that she was here.

“I’ve
been doing okay. I finally got my own place.”

“You
did? Jess, that’s awesome.”

“Well,
it’s no mansion, but it’s in a better neighborhood than I was in before. I
can’t help but be proud of it.”

 “Well
I’m sure it’s great. It has to be better than what I’ve got. I actually don’t
have a place yet.”

“You
don’t?” she asked, her browns furrowed. “Why’s that? I mean, it’s not like you
don’t have the money.”

I
shrugged. “I don’t know. I guess I just haven’t wanted to put down roots
anywhere. Nowhere has felt like home in a while.”

She
frowned and I noticed her bottom lip starting to quiver.

“I’m
so sorry,” she started but I stopped her.

“Hey,
don’t be down. Tonight’s a good night.”
The best I can remember feeling in a
long time.
“It means so much to have you here now. We can talk later,
okay?”

Jessie
nodded and took a deep breath.

“You’re
right. We can save it for later.”

“So,”
I said, pausing in front of one of entrances to the main floor, “you ready to
see the guys?”

Her
beautiful, full lips spread into a wide smile.

“Absolutely!”

“Wait
until you get a look at Jude. He got a devil tattooed on the side of his head,”
I laughed.

“Oh
my God, are you shitting me?” she laughed.

We
walked inside where the guys were still chatting with Ryder’s parents and
answered, “See for yourself.”

As
soon Beau, Ryder, and Jude saw Jess, they all ran over and gave her big hugs.
Ryder gave me a nudge in my arm and winked at me. It turned out the phone call
he was on when I got on the bus was him talking to Jessie to make sure she was
going to be there. He could be a pain in the ass sometimes, but I’d never been
more grateful for him than I was right then.

It
wasn’t long before we were being ushered backstage because they were about to
start letting fans into the arena. We were all starting to go to the side of
the stage and when I looked back to find Jessie, she was slowly following
behind.

“Jess,
aren’t you coming?” I asked.

She
nervously smoothed her black sequined top and said, “I was just going to find
my seat out here and let you get to work. I don’t want to distract you.”

I
quickly walked over to her and took one of her hands in mine.

“Well,
you’re one distraction that I gladly welcome,” I answered, winking at her. All
the blood in my body rushed below my belt as a beautiful blush showed in her
cheeks.

“I
shouldn’t let a perfectly good ticket go to waste,” she answered, smiling as
she held out her event pass.

I
grinned and took it from her hand. Handing the pass to John, I said, “Can you
give this to a fan outside? Jessie won’t be needing it since she’s with the
band.”

John
grinned at me. “Certainly, I’ll take care of it. And it’s nice to finally meet
you, Miss Monroe,” he said to Jessie, nodding at her before walking away.

I
was still holding her hand and my thumb gently traced the smooth skin on the
back of her hand.

“Now,
are you coming back stage or not?” I could see goose bumps forming on her bare
arms.

“Are
you sure it’s okay?”

I
flashed a crooked smile.

“It’s
definitely okay. Come on, I’ll show you around,” I said, leading her to the
steps and feeling happier than I’d felt in more than a year.

Jessie
followed close behind me as we walked onto the stage and stopped to look around
the arena one last time before heading backstage. Alan and Rose were smiling
proudly and chatting to Ryder, Beau, and Jude excitedly. As I rounded the drum
kit to face the arena, I heard a slight gasp. I turned around and found Jessie
standing behind me with tears misting her eyes.

“Jess,
what’s wrong?” I asked, my chest aching at the sight of her crying.

“You…you
really did it. You really made it here,” she whispered.

I
stepped closer to her and gently placed my hand on her wrist.

“You
always knew we would. No one’s ever had faith is us, in me, like you have.
Every single thing you’ve ever done or said has been so I could make it here
and I know that. Take some credit,” I said, smiling and trying to lighten the
mood.

She
shook her head and wiped a loose tear that had fallen down her cheek.

“It
wasn’t me. I just stood aside so you could chase your dreams. If I hadn’t you
wouldn’t be here now. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.”

I
shrugged my shoulders and ran a hand through my hair. I wanted so much to hold
her in my arms again and kiss her tears away, but I also didn’t want to
overwhelm her in any way, so I just put my hands in my pockets and nodded.

“Not
as hard as letting you go,” I answered, staring into her eyes.

Before
either of could say anything else, I was tapped on the shoulder by some random
crew member and told that I needed to clear the stage so they could get
everything set up and ready for the show. Since our band was better known,
Eternal Down was always the band that went first and did a damn good job
pumping up the crowd.

I
told the guy that we would head backstage and I tapped her arm. “Come on. Hang
with me, shit, I mean with
us
backstage until the show starts.”

She
wiped the tears from her eyes and smiled at me.

“Sounds
great,” she replied and followed me off the stage and down the hall to our
lounge.

As
soon as we were inside, Jessie timidly took a seat on one of the leather
couches and was smiling serenely at all of us as we talked and laughed. Having
her, Alan, and Rose at our show made it all hit home and for the first time
since this whole thing began, I felt hopeful that things might finally work
out.

About
two hours later, it was time for us to take the stage. As we all got into our
positions with our instruments, I smiled as I saw Alan and Rose looking at not
just Ryder, but all of us with pride. Jessie was saying something to Jude as he
was fiddling with his bass. I was so enthralled with her that I didn’t notice
Alan had come up beside me.

“So,
are you going to tell her?” he asked me.

“Tell
her what?” I asked.

He
huffed out a laugh, which caused him to cough.

“That
you love her, son.”

I
sighed and shrugged my shoulders.

“I’m
sure she knows.”

“Well
you should remind her.”

I
grinned at him.

“You
think it would change anything? She made it pretty clear that she didn’t want
me tied to her anymore,” I replied. “She seems to be okay without me.”

Alan
put his hand on my shoulder and laughed.

“Oh,
Kris. Take my word on this; things aren’t always the way they seem to be. Talk
to her. Trust me, you won’t regret it.”

I
smiled at him and twirled my drumstick in my fingers. My eyes flicked to Jessie
and as she was laughing at something Jude was saying to her, I decided to take
Alan’s advice. I’d ached for her for more than a year and this was a chance I
never thought I’d ever have. I wasn’t going to waste this moment and even if it
all blew up in my face, at least I’d know where I stood with her once and for
all. I just selfishly hoped that the night ended with her in my arms again.

Jessie

“I
can’t believe you actually got a tattoo on your head. What the hell were you
thinking?” I asked Jude, laughing.

“You
don’t think it’s sexy?” he asked me, winking seductively.

“Don’t
even try it, Jude. Your tricks won’t work on me.”

“Clearly,”
he answered, grinning at me. “Even if I were to try and go after you, which I
wouldn’t because it would be like sleeping with my sister, everyone knows you
still have a lady boner for Kris.”

I
snorted and laughed. “Excuse me, a what?”

“A
lady boner. It’s sticking out of your jeans right now and pointed right at our
drummer, my friend.”

I
felt myself starting to blush and I rolled my eyes.

“Shut
up Jude. I hope it hurt when you got this thing,” I replied, lightly tapping
his tattoo.

“Just
tell him, Jess.”

I
blinked and began to play with the ends of my hair.

“Tell
him what?”

“That
you love him, that you want him back, and that you want to give him steady
pussy every night so we can all get back to normal and quit watching him mope
around,” he said, smiling at me. “I know he still loves you, Jess, and if you
want him all you need to do is say the word.”

I
felt butterflies in my stomach and my eyes moved from Jude to Kris, who was
sitting behind his drum kit talking to Alan. He looked up at me and when our
eyes met, I felt a shiver go down my spine.

I
started to feel hope for the first time in over a year as I looked at him.
Maybe Jude was right…maybe he did still love me. God knows I still loved him
and missed him more every single day.

“We’ll
see,” I replied. “Listen, I’m going to get out of your way. You’ve got a show
to do!”

He
wrapped a big, muscular arm around me. “Good to see you again, Jess. We’ve
missed your pretty face around here.”

“Thanks
Jude. Have a good show,” I said to him and he smiled at I backed away. As the
lights started to dim, I walked to Kris and leaned into his ear.

“Good
luck,” I whispered.

I
felt him shiver and he turned those jade green eyes on me.

“See
you after?” he asked.

“Definitely,”
I answered, backing away to take my place on the side of the stage.

I
felt a deep clench within me as he winked at me before he began to play. I
stood next to Alan and Rose as we watched the guys light the stage on fire.

As
I watched the band play to a sold out crowd, I fought back the urge to break
down in tears. This was their dream and it had come true. I always thought that
letting Kris go was what he needed to achieve that dream, but knowing how
miserable I was without him and after what Jude had told me, I wondered for the
first time if I’d made the right choice.

Of
course I hadn’t. Every choice I made ended up with people being hurt instead of
happy. Instead of going with Kris when he asked me to, I stayed behind. When he
asked again after the last time we’d slept together, I not only said no but I
completely broke things off.

When
I found out I was pregnant, I should have called him immediately. If I had, he
would have insisted I come to him and our baby might be alive right now. I
wouldn’t have been beaten half to death by my mother, we’d have gotten to
experience our child being born, and we would have been a happy family. It had
taken me a long time to come to grips with everything that happened and even
though Rose and Alan had repeatedly tried to pound into my head how none of
that was my fault, deep down I knew it was. Who else was there to blame?

After
a long time, I was finally able to accept what had happened and move forward
with my life. Alan and Rose took me in after the assault and gave me a place to
stay while I saved money for my own apartment. I also had enrolled in the local
community college and was studying for an associate’s degree in Business
Administration. I excelled in my classes and was on the Dean’s list, but I was
surprised when the professor in my financial planning course had told me after
class one day that he was recommending me for a position as a teller at a local
bank. He said that I had all the skills it would take to succeed in that field,
so when he heard the bank needed a teller, my name was first to pop into his
head. He put in a few phone calls, and the next day I was interviewed and
offered a position.

Even
though I loved Rose and Alan and owed them my life, we both knew my time living
with them had come to an end when I started working at the bank and was making
a little more money. By then I had saved enough money to pay first month’s rent
and a damage deposit on my own place, so as soon as I found one I could afford
that was away from the apartment building I’d grown up in, I quickly signed my
lease and smiled as I was given my key. As hard as I worked for this, it still
felt empty because I was coming home to nobody at night. My child was gone and
so was the only man I would ever love.

As
time went by, I began to think about Kris even more than usual. That coupled
with my near constant dreams of him in some form or another was making me
rethink my separation from him. I didn’t want to be away from Kris. I wanted
him to love me again, despite all I had done to drive him off.  I knew I’d made
a huge mistake in letting him go. I not only dreamt of him every night and
would day dream about him every day, but I also had nightmares of being without
him. Every time I’d have those terrible dreams they would get worse and worse.
I was miserable and I wasn’t able to sleep without him invading my dreams every
night.

I
was just about to break down and ask Alan to get a phone number for one of the
guys in the band when Ryder surprised me by calling me first. He told me how
depressed and miserable Kris had been after losing both me and the baby, and
he’d stopped chasing girls every night (which I had to admit made me feel
relieved). He also told me that he was tired of knowing we both desperately
missed each other. He sent a ticket and a back stage pass to their big
homecoming show and told me I’d better be there and if I wasn’t, he’d send some
big security guard to come get me. I really loved Ryder…he was such a good
friend.

After
fighting my nerves, I made sure I dressed in something I knew he’d like. He
wasn’t hard to impress, so I wore a snug pair of jeans that hugged my hips and
a sequined black tank top. I made sure my hair looked good, so I did something
that I had never done: I actually made an appointment to get my hair cut and
styled. The stylist just added some product and straightened my already
straight hair for effect, but by the time I was done my hair looked sleek and
gorgeous. I added a little bit of mascara and some lip gloss and,
appearance-wise, I was ready to see Kris for the first time in a year.

I
was so afraid he would see me and yell, throw something, or just tell me he
hated me and never wanted to see me again, despite what Ryder had said.
Thankfully I was wrong, because he actually looked happy to see me. In fact, he
seemed to have trouble believing I was really there at first. It broke my heart
yet made me hopeful at the same time.

I
watched the guys start playing one by one, building the crowd’s anticipation
for when the big curtain dropped and they were revealed. As soon as the curtain
fell down, fire erupted from behind Kris and a big boom accompanied him when he
hit his bass drum hard, signaling the first song was off and running. My eyes
bugged out when I saw the size of the crowd that had gathered for them. The
last time I’d seen a Bad Blooded Rebel show they played to maybe five hundred
people, but the crowd tonight had to have been close to forty thousand.

I’d
never been happier that my friends’ band had made it until this moment. I’d
always been glad that they made it out of here, but seeing how huge this all
was first hand was mind blowing. The fans loved them and they certainly threw
that love right back out into the crowd. Ryder had no problem amping up the crowd
and the fans were practically eating out of his hand. The girls were going
crazy for Beau and Jude, and Kris was the beat that kept it all running
smoothly. In that moment, I was so proud of them.

After
the show (and two encores), Alan, Rose, and I were all waiting in the backstage
lounge for the guys to come. I’m sure Kris had looked for me after the show,
but we all wanted to be waiting for them in their dressing room and not be a
distraction while they met their fans and signed autographs. It didn’t take too
long before they all came into the lounge and the minute Kris was inside, his
eyes scanned the room until they landed on mine.

I
felt tingles shoot down my spine as he made his way past everyone to get to me.

“Hey,”
he said, exhaling like he’d been holding his breath. “I’d hoped you were still
here.”

“Nothing
could’ve kept me away,” I said, and he smiled at me.

“Sorry
you had to wait. We usually do the meet and greets right after we step off
stage. Normally it doesn’t take that long.”

“Oh,
it’s okay. This is your big homecoming show. No worries.”

He
motioned to the love seat I’d sat on before the show and I nodded, following
him as he moved to take a seat. I sat next to him and suddenly my pulse started
to race. I didn’t think I’d ever been this nervous in my life.

“So,”
he began, “how have you been? How’s life?”

I
laughed nervously.                

“Really?
After all this time that’s what you start with?”

Kris
turned the corner of his mouth up in a nervous smile and sighed.

“I
really don’t know what else to say, Jess. I obviously have a zillion questions
that I really need answers to, but I am afraid of the answers I’ll get.”

I
frowned and bit my bottom lip.

“Well,
I know I have a lot to answer for.”

We
sat together in uncomfortable silence for about a minute before Kris finally
spoke.

“Listen,
do you want to get out of here and talk?”

“Really?”
I asked, both incredibly nervous and very hopeful at the same time.

“I
think we should, don’t you?”

“Yes,
definitely,” I replied.

“We
could go back to my hotel room. It’s definitely nicer than the first one we
ever stayed in together,” he said, smiling.

“I
loved that room,” I said, and I felt myself blushing.

“I
did too. Well, what do you think?”

Clearing
my throat, I asked, “Actually, can we go to my place?”

“Your
place?” he repeated, smiling.

“Y-yeah.
It’s more comfortable than a hotel room and I really would love to show it to
you. That is if you want to.”

He
gave me a look that made the muscles in my core clench with need.

“I
want to. Let me just let John know what’s going on.”

“John?”

“Head
of security. I won’t be gone long.”

He
stood up and walked away and while he was gone I took advantage of the moment
to myself and took several deep breaths. Kris was coming to my apartment. As
badly as I wanted to pick things back up where we’d left them, I needed to
remember that a year had gone by. A year full of heartache and hurt on both
sides. I didn’t want him to come back to my place and us immediately fall into
bed together. We needed to have a long, deep discussion first.

I
know that he had a zillion questions, including ones about the baby. I just
hoped when I gave him those answers he didn’t decide that I was too damaged to
love again.

He
came walking over to me and held out his hand.

“You
ready to go?”

I
blew out a nervous breath and said, “Ready,” as I slid my hand in his.

“So,
this is it,” I said to Kris as I flicked on the lights in my apartment. I loved
the place but with Kris inside it, it suddenly felt too small. He was just too
big and bright to be in a drab place like this.

He
looked around and smiled proudly.

“Jess,
this place is great.”

I
walked into the kitchen and got two bottles of soda out of the refrigerator.

“Nah
it’s not,” I said, handing him the drink. “Sorry it’s not harder, but I’m not
twenty-one for another year and a half.”

“This
is just fine, thank you,” he replied and immediately took a drink. “And this
apartment really is awesome. I’m so happy you got out of that hell hole.”

“Me
too,” I replied. “I know it’s not much to look at, but I’ve made it as much of
a home as I could with what money I have.”

He
smiled and sat down on the gently used couch I bought from Alan and Rose.

“I
promise you, this apartment is perfect. You’ve done an awesome job turning it
into a nice place. It’s a mansion compared to that old dump we grew up in.”