Deeper (18 page)

“Jess,”
I tried to interrupt, but she shook her head.

“Why
do you love me?” she whispered, her voice breaking. “I mean, seriously. I am
the product of a drunken teenage one night stand and a mistake that no one
wanted. I ruined my mother’s life and my father never wanted me. Then after how
badly I hurt you with pushing you away and…th-the baby…” she broke off
momentarily before continuing, “how can you look at me after what I’ve done?”

I
sighed deeply and took her face into my hands. “Oh baby,” I said, wiping her
tear-stained cheeks. “Everything that’s happened in your life happened to you,
not because of you. Granted, Crystal was never the best mom but I am so glad
that she had you because I can’t live in a world that you aren’t a part of. I
will admit that you pushing me away hurt me and I was heartbroken after knowing
you’d lost our baby, but-”

“Kris,
I’m sorry,” she sobbed, but I stopped her.

“Jess,
it hurt to know you weren’t going to tell me about our baby girl, but I
would’ve known eventually when I came home and there is no way I would have let
you two go, just like I’m not letting you go now.”

“But
she’s gone and it’s my fault. Our baby died because I was a coward.”

“Listen
to me, what happened to our
daughter
,” I paused, choking back my
emotion, “is not your fault. We lost our child because of a sadistic woman that
thrives off making your life miserable. Our baby is gone because of only one
person and she’s rotting away in jail.

“And
I love you, Jess, because you’re
you
. You’re beautiful, smart, driven,
warm, compassionate, a great kisser,” I said, and she huffed out a laugh, “and
an amazing friend. You’ve been there for me like no one ever has. You’re my
best friend in the world and I could always talk to you about anything.”

“You
still can,” she answered.

“Can
you really not see how much I love you? You and me, Jess, that’s all I want.
That’s all I’ve ever wanted.”

“Kris,”
Jessie whispered, placing her hand over mine.

“I’m
not letting you go ever again, baby. I need you to breathe,” I told her and
more tears formed in her eyes.

“How
did I get so lucky to have you?”

“Oh
my beautiful Jess…I’m the lucky one.”

I
pulled her lips to mine and kissed them again gently. She lifted her hips and
my semi-hard cock started to swell and lengthen inside her again. She started
moaning and panting as I slowly made love to her for the second time that.

I’d
been without her for more than a year and we had so much to catch up on;
kissing, fighting, talking, and especially making love. Now that Jessie was
finally back in my arms, I never planned on letting her go again.

“I
wish I didn’t have to go back. This sucks so bad,” I grumbled as I slid into my
tee shirt.

“Don’t
worry, Kris. This time you know that when you come back home, I’ll be waiting
for you with open arms,” Jessie replied as she wrapped her arms around my
waist.

The
last two days had been amazing. We’d never left Jessie’s apartment and most of
the time we’d barely been clothed. We’d made love like we never had before.
Sometimes it was wild and unrestrained, and others it was sweet and romantic,
but every single time it was phenomenal because it was with her. I loved her
more than anything in the world and I couldn’t remember the last time I’d felt
this happy.

It
was now time for our tour bus to roll onto the next stop and that meant our
time alone was at an end. I was sad to leave her but I knew that Jessie was
right. This time when I left, I knew she would be here waiting for me, still as
in love with me as I was with her. It didn’t make it any less shitty though.

“I
hope so, baby,” I said, wrapping my arms around her and kissing her.

“Count
on it. So, where you are guys headed next?”

“Cleveland,
and then we’re heading to Detroit after that. We just have a few more weeks on
the tour and then I’ll be coming back home.”

“We
will have plenty to celebrate that week because I should be done with my finals
around that time.”

“I
still can’t believe you’re in college. I’m so proud of you, Jess.”

Her
face lit up and she smiled so brightly. “Thank you, Kris. After I wrap up this
semester I just have one more year and I’ll be graduating. I know it’s just an
associate’s degree, but-”

“Jess,
the fact that you’re even in college is more than me or the guys have ever
done. You should be proud of everything you’ve accomplished. It’s a big deal.”

“Thank
you,” she answered sincerely, snuggling into me.

“Listen,
why don’t we all make plans to celebrate when we get back? We can all go out to
dinner or something and toast to your first year of college and the end of our
first headlining tour. What do you say?” I suggested.

“I
say that it’s a date. I’ll let Rose and Alan know. I bet they will want to be
there too.”

“I’m
sure they will.” I looked at the clock on the wall and groaned. “Damn it, you
think I’d be used to this by now, saying goodbye to you.”

“Kris,
this time it isn’t goodbye. I’ll see you again in just a few weeks.”

“I
know, but…”

“But
what?”

“Just
don’t change your mind before I get back, okay?”

“Don’t
you change yours,” Jessie replied, kissing me quickly. “I know it’s going to
take a while to get back to where we were, especially after everything that’s
happened, but I can promise you my feelings for you won’t change. They never
did.”

“That’s
great to hear,” I said, and I pulled her closer to me and kissed her deeply. “I
still can’t believe I’ve got you back. This doesn’t feel real.”

“I
know. I’m afraid I’m going to wake up any second.”

“You
want me to pinch you and make sure?” I joked.

Jessie
playfully nudged me. “If you pinch me I’ll knee you in the balls.” Sighing, she
let go of me and said, “Come on, you’re going to be late getting to the bus. I
love you and I’ll be right here waiting when the tour’s over, I promise.”

I
grabbed her face and kissed her until she was breathless.

“Love
you too, baby. I’ll call you as soon as we get to our next stop.”

“Be
careful,” she whispered as I backed away from her and left her tiny apartment.
It hurt that I had to leave her, but this time I knew she would be waiting for
me and it made walking away just a tiny bit easier.

Three
Weeks Later

As
soon as I walked into the backstage lounge after finishing our final show, I
found the nearest couch and collapsed onto it. I was exhausted and covered in
sweat after our performance tonight and couldn’t wait to get back home to my
girl. I had so many plans for us and I couldn’t wait to share them with her.

Ryder,
Beau, and Jude followed me into the lounge looking just as worse for the wear
as I was, but I could tell that they wanted to have some fun on our last night
of the tour. I leaned my head back and smiled as they talked about the
different girls they had seen and planned on going after.

As
they were talking about which groupies they wanted for the night, I was so
thankful that I had Jessie in my life again in every way that I wanted. I know
I was still young but I felt incredibly lucky to have found the love of my life
already. Most people search a lifetime and never find them, and I’d found mine
at the age of twenty-two. As I thought of all of the things I wanted us to do
together when I got back, I smiled and felt like the richest man in the world.

I
was about to call Jessie and let her know how the last show went but as I took
my phone out of my pocket, it started ringing. I looked at the display and saw
her name flashing across the screen. Smiling, I clicked the button to answer it
and held it to my ear.

“Hey
baby, I was just about to call you,” I answered.

“Kris?”
she asked, her voice cracking. “Is…is Ryder close by? I’ve been trying to call
his cell phone but he’s not picking up.”

Her
tone made me sit up straight…she’d obviously been crying.

“Jess,
is everything okay?” My eyes shot to Ryder’s and he stared back with a puzzled
look on his face.

She
sniffed and replied, “N-no. Can you put him on the phone please? It’s an
emergency.”

“Sure,”
I answered, and held the phone to Ryder. “It’s Jess, she says she’s been trying
to call you.”

“Me?”
he asked, his forehead wrinkling in worry. “Why would she be calling me? You’re
her boyfriend, man, not me.”

“I
don’t know, man, but she says it’s an emergency.”

He
walked to me and took the phone from my hand. “Hello? Jess? It’s Ryder. What’s
going on?” he asked. We all watched with bated breath as every trace of color
was drained from Ryder’s face and the light left his eyes.

“No,”
he answered quietly, shaking his head in denial. “You’re wrong, Jess. Dad’s
fine, we just saw him three weeks ago. He said he thought he had pneumonia.”
The room was quiet as Beau, Jude, and I all exchanged worried glances. “O-okay,
tell him I’ll be there as soon as I can. Thanks for calling,” he said in a
monotone voice. He gave me back the phone and abruptly ran out of the room.

“What
the hell was that about?” Jude asked to no one in particular as I held the
phone up to my ear.

“Jess?
It’s me, what’s going on?” I asked her.

“It’s
Alan,” she cried. “He’s in the hospital.”

My
stomach dropped and I remembered how skeletal he looked the last time I saw
him.

“Why?
What’s wrong with him?”

“He…he
has lung cancer.”

“What?”
I shouted. I looked up at Jude and Beau and they were looking at me with
concern. “Alan’s in the hospital. Apparently he has lung cancer,” I repeated
back to them.

“I
was stunned when Rose called me today. She begged me not to tell Ryder until
after his show was over tonight. I guess Alan’s known he was sick for a long
time and he’s in stage four.”

“Oh
fuck,” I exclaimed, rubbing a hand through my hair. “So, he’s…”

“Terminal.
He wants you guys to come home so he can say…” she trailed off, sobbing into
the phone. “Rose is a mess. She just seems like she’s not understanding all of
this and I’m scared.”

“We’re
on our way. We can be in Cincinnati by morning,” I answered, quickly standing
as Beau was instructing our backstage crew what was going on.

“Okay,
thanks. Please hurry,” she cried. “I need you.”

“I’m
coming, baby, just hold on,” I answered.

As
soon as I hung up, we all ran out of the room toward our bus, stopping to help
a practically catatonic Ryder find his way on board. We told the bus driver to
take us to the closest airport as Steve was booking our flights. I really hoped
for all our sakes, especially Ryder’s, that we made it home in time to say
goodbye to the one man in our lives that had never let us down.

Jessie

This
wasn’t real. Alan Matthews wasn’t dying. It was impossible. He’d always been
our rock, our one constant in an ever-changing world. He’d been like a father
to us all and I didn’t know what we were going to do without him.

I
was scared not to just lose the only man to ever love me like a daughter, but I
was scared for my friend. Ryder and Alan were incredibly close and my chest
ached at how much this was going to crush him.

I
was sitting next to Rose in Alan’s room, holding her hand and reminding her
that Ryder would be here soon. Thankfully Alan was asleep and hopefully wasn’t
in any pain. It was heartbreaking to see him coughing and fighting for breath.
He looked so close to death…I hoped and prayed that Ryder made it on time.

I
sat in that chair and held Rose’s hand for what felt like hours watching nurses
and doctors coming in and out of the room. I was starting to worry that Kris
and the guys weren’t going to make it in time and I was about to get out my
phone and call. Before I could, there was a light knock on the door and then
the door opened. Ryder came sprinting into the room followed by Beau, Jude, and
Kris and when his eyes landed on Alan lying on the bed, he looked faint.

“Dad?”
Ryder said quietly, closing the distance between them and collapsing into a
chair at his bedside. “Dad, I’m here.”

Rose
looked at Ryder and seemed to snap out of her catatonic state. Her eyes roamed
back and forth between her son and her husband and she broke down crying. I let
go of her hand so she could be with her family and I stood up from the chair.
Kris was leaning against the wall and had his head down. He looked as lost and
confused as Jude and Beau did. He looked up at me as I walked to him and
wrapped my arms around his neck. He held onto me as I sobbed into his chest.

“Thank
God you’re here,” I cried, and he rubbed my back as soothingly as he could. I
could feel something warm hit the top of my head and I instantly knew it was
his tears.

“I
can’t believe this,” Jude whispered next to us. “He seemed okay when we saw him
a few weeks ago. Maybe a little skinny, but I never would have thought he was
battling cancer.”

“No
one could have thought this could happen, Jude,” Beau answered, rubbing his
hand over his jaw.

I
turned my head toward them and felt my heart clench even harder when I looked
at Jude. He had his head back on the wall and his eyes were closed tightly.
“What are we going to do without him?”

No
one knew how to answer him because there was no way to answer that question. We
would all be lost without Alan in our lives. It was apparent by the way the
hospital staff was looking and talking that he didn’t have much longer and Alan
knew that, so he wanted to take turns telling us goodbye individually.

We
all stepped out while he had the chance to talk to each one of the guys. He
talked to Beau first, then had his time with Jude and then Kris. Jude had his
arm around my shoulders and was trying to comfort me when Kris came out into
the hallway, looking heartbroken with Ryder following behind him. I moved away
from Jude and hugged Kris tightly for a few moments. Ryder collapsed against
the wall and Beau came and stood next to him, putting a hand on his shoulder.

“He’s
asking for you, Jess,” Kris whispered brokenly.

I
swallowed my fear and nodded. Letting go of him, I felt my heart pounding out
of my chest as I entered Alan’s room. Even though I’d been at his bedside since
he’d been brought in, I was so nervous in that moment to be by his side. I
wasn’t ready to say goodbye to him but like everything horrible in my life, I
was powerless to stop it.

“Hey
there sweetheart,” Alan said to me as I slowly walked to his bedside. Holding
out a weak hand, he motioned me closer. “Come here, I want to tell you something.”

Tears
were pouring down my cheeks as I placed my hand in his clammy one.

“What
is it?” I asked him quietly.

“Well,
I just wanted to tell you that you are a truly beautiful girl, Jessie, inside
and out and I feel blessed that I got to watch you grow into the wonderful
young woman you’ve become.”

My
chest hurt even worse…this was so hard.

“Alan,
I…”

“You
are a truly remarkable person and I am proud of how far you have come in life,
especially considering everything that life’s thrown at you. I am just so sorry
that I wasn’t able to help you get away from Crystal.”

“Hey,
that’s not your fault. You were one of the few people that cared about me, and
that means more to me than anything.”

“I
still feel like Rose and I could’ve done more. Can you forgive me?”

I
collapsed at his side and cried a river of tears as I held onto his hand for
dear life.

“Forgive
you? Are you serious? There’s nothing to forgive at all. You always made your
home a safe place for me and the guys to come to when we had nowhere else to go.
After what happened last year,” I choked out, pausing to collect myself, “you
took me into your home without a second thought and not only helped me get on
my feet, but taught me to fly. You’re not only the father I never had, but the
father that
none
of us had and you are an amazing human being. Thank you
for loving us, for loving me, even when I didn’t love myself.”

“It’s
impossible not to love you, honey. I’m proud of the woman you’ve become and
know you will go on to do more. I love you, Jessie.”

“Oh
Alan, I love you too,” I croaked out.

His
breathing was getting more labored and I knew time was running out. I didn’t
want his last moments to be spent without Ryder and Rose so I kissed his hand
and was going to leave. As I stood up, he squeezed my hand.

“I’m
happy to see you and Kris together again. That man loves you so much, Jessie,
and a love like that is very rare and hard to find so you hold onto it with
both hands.”

“I-I
will, Alan. I love him too and I’m never letting him go again. I promise.” He
squeezed my hand and smiled at me weakly. “I’m going to send Ryder in now,
okay?”

“Okay.
Goodbye, sweet girl,” he whispered before starting to cough again.

“Goodbye,”
I answered back, and leaned in to kiss his thin cheek one last time before I
left the room.

As
soon as I was out in the hall again, the pain in my chest was making it
difficult to breathe. When my eyes landed on Ryder, my pain intensified as he
stood against the wall, stone-faced and seemingly in shock. I walked to him and
placed my hand on his arm. “Ryder, go see your dad,” I said. He nodded at me
and, like a robot, he walked back into Alan’s room.

“This
is so fucked up,” Jude stated, angrily wiping tears from his cheeks. “I mean,
seriously. Why did this have to happen to Alan? Why couldn’t it be my mother,
or Kris’ dad, or Beau’s mom or Jessie’s? Why the fuck is this happening to the
one man that gave a shit about any of us?”

“I
don’t know, man,” Beau answered, his head hanging down. “I don’t fucking know.”

I
walked to Kris and fell into his arms. No one else spoke as we all cried for
the man that thought of us as his own children and helped us as much as he
could.

I’d
lost track of time as we all waited for the outcome none of us were prepared
for. We’d decided to give Ryder, Rose, and Alan as much privacy as we could so
we all took up a temporary residence in the waiting room. I sat next to Kris on
a tiny couch and we held each other, unsure of what else we could do to numb
our pain.

I
hadn’t realized I’d fallen asleep until I was being shaken awake. My eyes
snapped open and when I looked up to see Ryder standing in front of us, looking
utterly broken, I knew it was over. I flew up out of my seat and wrapped my
arms around Ryder and tried my best to comfort him. Beau, Jude, and Kris had
joined us in a group hug and we held onto to each other and cried.

“I’m
so sorry, Ryder,” I cried into his shirt.

“He
was the greatest man I’ve ever known,” said Jude.

“I
had to get out of there,” Ryder answered, letting go of me and swiping at his
eyes with his hand. “Mom’s still in the room with him but the moment he was
gone, I just couldn’t stay.”

“I
understand,” I replied.

“How’s
Rose?” Kris asked.

“They
had to sedate her when he, um, you know,” he said, his voice low and thick with
heartache. “She was fucking hysterical, man. She’s sleeping right now but I
still don’t know what to do when it’s time to take her back home. She can’t be
alone.”

“I
will make sure she’s taken care of, Ryder. Is there anything else you need me
to do?” I asked, sniffing.

“I
don’t know,” he answered, rubbing a hand through his hair. “I have no fucking
idea what to do.” Tears welled up in his blue eyes and my heart broke for him.

“Well
I’m here for you. We all are. Don’t forget that, okay? Anything you need at all
and it’s done.” I answered, wrapping my arms around him again.

“Okay.
I’m…” he said, stopping for a moment to collect himself. “I’m so glad you’re
back, Jessie. Kris isn’t the only one that’s missed you, you know.”

I
sobbed harder in that moment. In the year and a half I was away from Kris, I
hadn’t realized that I’d let my friends down too. The pain I felt was tripled
as I glanced at Jude and Beau who both wore similar expressions on their faces.

“I
know, Ryder, and I can promise you that I’m not going anywhere ever again. I
love all of you so much.”

“Good,”
he mumbled, burying his face into my hair.

“We
love you too, pretty girl,” Jude sniffed.

“Listen,
I don’t want you to worry about anything, okay? I am here and will do whatever
you need me to do as far as arrangements. I know that this will be just about
impossible for you and Rose to deal with so I don’t want either of you to
worry. However you need me, I’m here.”

“Thank
you Jess,” he replied and from that point on I just held onto him while he
grieved for his father.

Three Years Later

The
next few years were some of the best and worst we’d ever had both personally
and professionally up until that point.

Once
Alan had been laid to rest, we were all still numb over his passing. Rose was a
zombie and needed someone to tell her how to do everything; when to eat, what
she should wear, all of it so it had been pretty clear early on that she needed
a “maid” to move in full time and help take care of her.

Ryder
tried his hardest to plan the funeral but was struggling not only with how his
mom seemed to have mentally checked out, but was crumbling under the weight of
his own grief and needed help with everything. Being true to my word, I stepped
in and helped arrange everything that needed to be done. I had a lot to make up
for and offering my help to make this hard time easier for everyone was the
least I could do.

As
time marched along, we all had no choice but to move on with life but it was
extremely hard. Kris had been amazing during that time and we’d grown so much
stronger as a couple. We’d found our way back to each other at a time when we
both needed someone the most and I was so thankful to have him. With as many
hits as we’d taken personally, he was the one bright spot in a dark, gray world
without much light.

In
the midst of all of that, I’d also graduated from community college and had
received my degree in business administration. I didn’t attend the ceremony
because the guys were on tour at the time and I felt I was needed there with my
guys, but that didn’t stop them from throwing me a party to celebrate (even
though none of us felt like being all cheery).

Professionally,
the guys were like an unstoppable force and their first album had been
nominated for several Grammy Awards. They had contributed to several movie
soundtracks as well and were getting ready to start touring again the following
summer in another big budget headlining tour. Personally on the other hand, we
were all terrified for Ryder’s well being.

He’d
not only been hitting the bottle more and more, but one night when we were all
at a party at his house I’d walked in on him having his own little party and I
was terrified for him. He was having sex with not just one girl but three and
I’d noticed that there was a little mirror, a razor blade, and the remains of
what looked like cocaine on the little coffee table in his room. I didn’t need
to do drugs to know what it was because I was raised in a house where there
drugs of every kind all over the place.

I’d
confronted him once he’d come down and he of course denied everything. When he
screamed at me to “mind my own fucking business”, Kris got in his face and if
Jude hadn’t stepped between them, I’m sure there would have been an
altercation. I’d tried my hardest to talk him into getting some help but he refused
to listen to anyone.