Damaged and the Knight (11 page)

“Then tomorrow,” he said, glancing over the menu now.

“I have plans.”

Judd stiffened and his gaze met mine. “Who?”

“It’s none of your business.”

“I know Mac wouldn’t go near you, so who is it?”

Again, I stared, but Judd didn’t grin this time. “I’ll come back when you’re ready to order.”

“You might as well tell me since I’m going to find out anyway. No, scratch that. Just ditch him and go to dinner with me. It’ll save us all a lot of time that way.”

“I’m not going out with you,” I said, through clenched teeth. “Ever. You suck and I don’t want you.”

“You’re lying.”

“Not about you sucking. That’s a fact.”

“I fucked up, but you know enough to understand how that’s bound to happen. Just chill out and ditch this loser you’ve got lined up for tomorrow. I’ll take you somewhere nice. Do you like steak?”

Realizing he wasn’t backing down, I leaned forward and looked him in the eye. He was close enough that I could almost touch his lips and I wanted to so badly. Instead, I remembered how he left me that day and never looked back.

“I wanted you more than anything I’ve ever wanted before,” I said quietly while fighting to keep my voice steady. “I thought you were mine and would see in me what Cooper sees in Farah. Instead, you told me I was shit. You made me feel like nothing just like my dad and everyone else does. Now, you want me and I’m supposed to let you treat me bad because I’m a loser who can’t do better. Well, I can do better. I can be happy, so fuck off.”

Judd took my wrist and stopped me from leaving. “I fucked up and I can’t fix that, but we can start over now.”

“It’s too late,” I said, yanking my arm free. “When I look at you, I see the man who looked at me as if I was trash. I spent my life feeling that way and I want more now.”

“You’re not trash,” he whispered, giving me a pained look. “You’re good at reading people, right? That’s how you kept beating me at cards. Well, read me now, angel. What am I thinking?”

“That I’m your Arby’s and you can’t live without me, but it’s a fantasy and I’m the one who will suffer when you get bored and toss me aside.”

“My what?” he muttered, frowning darkly.

“I’m not talking to you anymore about this. I’m at work and you’re making me look bad. So order or don’t, but I’m pretending you’re just anyone else.”

“I’m not anyone else, am I?”

Staring into his sad eyes, I said the painful words, “No, you were the first man to break my heart. I guess that makes you special.”

Judd gave me a look full of regret then closed the menu. “Just bring me that fish and shrimp crap.”

Grabbing the menu, I walked away. When I served him the food, Judd only said thank you. Despite him looking so beautiful and feeling his presence even while I hid in the kitchen, my resolve held. Less than an hour after he arrived, Judd left me a nice tip then disappeared out the door. Parker left soon afterwards and I assumed Judd felt I was safe on my own without a bodyguard.

Nope
.

Leaving work hours later, I found Judd leaning against his Harley and texting. When he noticed me, the phone disappeared into his pocket and a cocky smile lit up his face.

“Cooper said I should give you a ride home.”

“No, thank you,” I muttered, walking past him and towards the bus stop.

“It wasn’t an option.”

“Plan to tie me up and hold me against my will then?” I asked over my shoulder.

“If I need to.”

Ignoring him, I stood at the bus stop and watched the passing traffic.

“What did that Arby’s thing mean?” he asked, resting his shoulder against the bus stop enclosure.

“It means you want something because you think it’s better than it is.”

Judd nodded. “Why Arby’s though?”

Sitting on the bench, I hugged myself. His beauty taunted me with what I wanted, but couldn’t have. Despite his sudden interest, I remembered how coldly Judd looked as he said I was a whiny child who wasn’t good enough for him.

Judd nudged my shoe with his boot. “Why Arby’s? Is that code for something?”

Glancing up at him, I wished he hadn’t said those hurtful words. Why couldn’t he have said he wanted to wait until I was eighteen? Instead, he made me feel like nothing when he had the power to make me feeling like everything.

“When I was a kid, we didn’t get to eat out at restaurants. All the kids at school would go out to McDonald’s or nice restaurants, but we never got to go anywhere.” Pausing, I stared up at him, knowing he would make fun of what I said next. “I used to collect stuff. Nothing nice, just flyers and advertisements I saw in the mail. The manager at this one motel would let me go through the junk mail and keep what I liked.”

Staring down the street, I wished the bus would arrive, but knew I had awhile to wait.

“One of the ads was for Arby’s,” I said, peeking up at him and finding him listening intently. “The sandwiches looked so good and I would dream of eating there.”

When I paused as a loud truck sped by, Judd sighed. “Arby’s sucks though. You know that, right?”

Nodding, I continued, “The picture looked really good and I wanted one of those sandwiches so bad. I would sit on the sidewalk in front of our motel room when our parents wanted to be alone and I would stare at the picture. Farah would read books, but I would look at my junk mail collection and dream of stuff I wanted and that sandwich at Arby’s was the one I wanted most. Then, one day in high school, I started stealing a little bit of my tips that I usually gave to Dad. I saved up, so I could take me and Farah to Arby’s. I was so excited, but like you said, it sucked. The dream was great, but reality let me down.”

“Did you just compare yourself to a shitty fast foot joint?” Judd asked with an amused expression on his handsome face.

Fighting the urge to cry because he mocked me just like I knew he would, I shrugged. “I really liked that picture.”

Judd’s smile faded and he sighed while joining me on the bench.

“I fucked up that day. I had a different plan when we pulled into the driveway then I saw you with your sister and that big house of hers. I saw how you changed with your sister around as if you opened up and blossomed like this amazing flower. I saw all that and I thought about how you could build something really great in this place, but I wasn’t the guy to be around for that. I’m not the guy who does the homemaker shit and I can’t change like Cooper did. So I said what I said.”

“You made me feel like trash.”

Judd’s face pinched and he looked around. “I’m not a good man, Tawny. Even if I wanted to change for a pretty girl, I’m too far gone into the shit that I am.”

“So why are you here?”

“Because I couldn’t stay away. Ditching you was the right thing to do and I should back the fuck off now, but I can’t. You’re in my head and I had to fight every damn day not to make up some fucking excuse to see you. Then, like fate or God or whatever, I see you driving around with Bailey and Farah and it’s like a sign. I had to go to your party and make things happen between us, even if I knew those things are shit for you. I just couldn’t deny myself what I needed.”

Holding myself tighter, I tried not to allow his words to affect me. “I’m sorry, but you hurt me and I’m not strong enough to chance it again.”

“I had to hurt you. I needed you to give up on me and that was only happening if I hurt you.”

“Why couldn’t you say you weren’t ready or it was you that sucked?” I said as my voice broke before I regained control. “Why did you have to make me the piece of shit? I threw my feelings out there for you in the parking lot and you kissed me like I mattered. Then, you walked away like I wasn’t good for anything.”

Judd reached out and caressed my cheek with the back of his hand. “You’re a fucked up chick. You know that, right? You’re all twisted up and damaged, but you’re also good. You look at me like I’m not a bad man you should run from. You look at me like I’m misunderstood. If I told you it was me and not you, babe, you would have chased after me with some fairytale about fixing me.”

“Maybe you’re right, but you’re here. If you’re bad for me and I already feel ugly every time you look at me, why should I want you anymore?”

When Judd stared at me with those sad eyes, I inched away.

“You’re the most beautiful fucking thing I’ve ever seen. You make me feel amazing and like shit every second you look at me. It’s why I need you and also why I pushed you away. As much as I want to protect you from me, I want you more. If I was a good man, I’d leave you alone. Like I said, I’m not a good man.”

We sat there for a while in silence until I saw the bus approaching in the distance. Standing, I sighed. “I’m not ready for you, Judd. I need to get strong and independent. That way, when you hurt me, I won’t feel so low.”

Judd wrapped a stray strand of hair behind my ear. “This is where I should promise I won’t hurt you, but I’d be lying and we’d both know it.”

“So not now, but one day.”

Judd stared at me as his fingers teased my lips. “No.”

“No, never?”

“No, it’s going to be now. I made up my mind the day I saw you out driving around. I decided things were happening and I’m not putting them off. Not for a few days or weeks or whatever. I want you and you want me. We might not be any good for each other, but I’m not walking away.”

“Then, you’re going to be disappointed,” I said as the bus arrived.

“Let me drive you home.”

“No.”

“Fine, but I told Cooper I’d get you home safe, so I’m following you.”

“Have fun. I’ll wave at you,” I said, disappearing into the small local bus.

Judd kept his word and followed me to the apartment, even though it took twenty minutes, two busses, and eighteen stops. When I got off the bus, he pulled to the curb and watched me walk to my apartment. I tried to ignore him, but couldn’t stop from glancing back before I disappeared into my place. Judd stared in a way I hated and craved. Closing the door on the view of him, I hoped he stayed away because I wasn’t sure my resolve was stronger than my heart.

Chapter Thirteen

Sitting across from Ryan at the steakhouse, I knew I wasn’t cheating. I still felt guilty for wanting Judd and being with Ryan. Also, I felt guilty for wasting Ryan’s time when I wanted Judd. Mostly, I was unhappy I couldn’t be with Judd, yet I couldn’t be happy without him.

Respectful in a fake way, Ryan was what Judd and Cooper called a hitter. While I was his newest conquest, I didn’t plan to put out. I just didn’t find him attractive enough to overcome my lust for Judd. Besides, I really didn’t want anyone besides Judd touching me.

Still, Ryan wasn’t a bad guy and he took me to a nice restaurant I wouldn’t be able to afford. Shelling out decent money to get into my pants, he wasn’t a jerk like some guys, but he wasn’t getting his money’s worth tonight.

“My roommate has a gerbil,” Ryan said, grinning. “The little guy got loose and crapped all over my bed. It’s just been a crazy day.”

Nodding at his silly story, I heard a familiar voice. “That’s fucking fascinating,” Judd said from behind me. “Then, what happened?”

Wanting to disappear, I knew Farah would never sell me out. This meant Judd was stalking me.

He pulled a chair to the table. “What are we having for dinner?”

“Who are you exactly?” Ryan asked.

“Tawny’s man. I don’t do names or handshakes, so save it, kid.”

When Ryan looked at me for help, I shook my head. “I have no control over him. If I did, he wouldn’t be here.”

“Oh, don’t be like that,” Judd said, caressing the back of my hair. “I like that sweater on you. Very autumn. Looks good with your eyes.”

“Please, go away.”

“I can’t. I’m your ride tonight.”

“Should I leave?” Ryan asked.

Judd glanced at my date. “Just catch onto that, did you?”

Ryan stood up. “See you around, Tawny.”

“Can’t you stay and ignore him?”

Judd’s eyes narrowed. “No, he can’t.”

“We can still talk,” I said, praying Ryan would stay. “He might leave if we treat him like static in the background.”

Ryan considered staying until Judd’s amused expression faded. “She’s not fucking you, if that’s what you’re holding out for. In fact, you ain’t even getting a goodnight kiss. Well, unless you want that to be the last thing your lips ever do before I rip them off your face.”

“I’m going to leave,” Ryan said, giving me a tight smile. “See you around.”

“If you see her,” Judd growled, “you just keep on walking.”

Nodding, Ryan hurried away, leaving me alone with Judd who switched into the seat across from me.

“Alone at last.”

“I’m leaving.”

“You didn’t really want to have dinner with the shithead, did you?”

“Yes. He’s nice and cute.”

“Cute like a puppy? Chicks don’t want cute.”

“I did.”

“You want me.”

Standing, I sighed. “I don’t have the money to pay for a meal here, so I’m leaving.”

Barely turning, I felt Judd immediately against my back. “You know I’ll pay,” he whispered in my ear as an arm slid around my waist. “Just sit and we’ll talk.”

“There’s nothing to talk about.”

“Tell me about stuff. I don’t really care what we talk about. I don’t know you well enough to be picky. Just sit down and we’ll have dinner.”

Staring up at him, I wished he hadn’t hurt me because I had such big hopes for us. Yet, every time I looked at him now, I feared when he’d discard me again.

“If I do this, will you leave me alone afterwards? Will you see we can’t work and just go away?”

“No,” he said, gesturing for me to sit down. “You won’t want me to anyway.”

While I was hungry, I didn’t look forward to dinner with a smug Judd. “I’ll pay you back.”

Sitting down, Judd stared at me. “Something’s got to give here. I can’t keep chasing, if you won’t let me catch you.”

“You’ve been chasing me for two days. Even if I wanted you to catch me, I wouldn’t give in after such a short amount of time.”

“I’ve never chased a woman before,” he said, glancing over the menu as the waiter frowned at my new date. “It’s more work than I’m used to.”