Damaged and the Knight (13 page)

Sighing, I leaned away from him. “I’m your Arby’s.”

“No, you’re my McDonald’s.” When I frowned, Judd continued, “When I was a kid, I obsessed about going to McDonald’s. When I was there, I loved every single moment of it. Driving away, I would already want to go back. I never got tired of it, so if we’re comparing my feelings for you to a shitty fast food joint then you’re my McDonald’s.”

Even oddly touched by his words, I pulled my hand away. “Maybe it’ll happen one day.”

“Why not right fucking now?”

“You kept saying how you were a man and I needed to be a woman. Not even a woman, but a strong woman. I’m not there yet, but one day.”

“I said that to get rid of you.”

“And you did get rid of me and we both know you meant it too.”

“I lie to myself, Tawny. It’s how I survive. I’m sure you lie to yourself too. Hell, you’re probably fucking lying to yourself when you tell me no now. You want this.”

“I’m not fucking you.”

Judd erased the space between us and pressed me against the door. “Don’t you dare make this about fucking,” he whispered in nearly a growl. “Don’t think I would beg over a fuck. I can get laid. This is something else and it’s why I hurt you. I’m not equipped for something else. I’m not a man who knows how to do much more than fucking, but I’m trying here. For you, I’m trying, but I can’t do it alone.”

Staring into his eyes, I saw the pain in his expression. When I said nothing, he continued, “I’d go back and change things if I could, but that just ain’t happening. I was right to walk away and I’m wrong to be here now, but my heart won’t let me leave. I know you want me to ignore it like you’re ignoring yours, but I’ve never given my heart anything it wanted before. I’m giving it this.”

Finally finding my voice, I whispered, “My heart needs to be safe. That’s what it wants and it deserves that after getting hurt so much before.”

Pulling away, I left the SUV and walked through the rain to my apartment. I knew Judd was following. Even with his soft catlike movements and the pouring rain, I heard him behind me. Felt his gaze on me too. Mostly, I sensed he was still working towards his goal.

Unlocking the door, I turned to tell him to leave. Judd was closer than I thought and his hands touched my face gently. Kissing me, he was so careful. As he fought to remain in control, his hands shook as his lips left mine.

Searching my face, he stared at me in the dark wet night. “You still aren’t looking at me like you did that day.”

“Because that day I trusted you and believed in us. I don’t feel that way anymore.”

“Please, Tawny,” he whispered, barely audible over the snap of thunder.

“I’m sorry, but whatever we had that day is gone. Even if I wanted to try again, I can’t forget how you walked away as if I meant nothing. Nothing you say can make you walking away okay. I would have waited for you. Would have given you space. Would have given you anything, but you ditched me like I was shit. My heart can’t forgive you.”

Judd opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. He needed me to fix things, but I wasn’t the one who ruined them. I really would have waited. Months, years, whatever he needed because I truly thought he was mine and was worth waiting for. No dates with guys like Ryan. No wavering from my feelings. If he had told me not yet, instead of no, I would have waited forever.

“Goodnight, Judd,” I said, disappearing into the apartment.

Judd said nothing as I shut the door. I waited a few minutes, just dripping on the ugly brown carpet before peeking out the curtains to find him stuck in the same place, staring at where I’d been. A part of me wanted to console him, but I couldn’t handle him hurting me again. No matter how much I tried to protect myself from his power, he weakened my resolve with simply a look.

Leaving the front room, I walked into the bathroom. After my shower, I dressed in a nightgown then found my slippers. Even with the storm raging and the noisy neighbors on both sides, I somehow heard Judd at the door. Just him moving slightly, not even knocking or attempting to draw my attention.

Unwilling to think of him standing in the rain, I still peeked out the curtains to find him sitting on the ground, against the door, soaking wet. How long would he really wait before the rain grew too much? While I shouldn’t open the door, I did a crack.

Judd stood up and stared at me from under his sopping wet bangs. Bracing his hands on either side of the door, he watched me and I watched him. I was waiting, but he said nothing.

“You should go home,” I finally said.

“My dad was into teenage girls,” he said, over the storm’s fury. “For years, he seduced the lonely ones without dads or the ones with dads who ignored them. He liked them younger and younger and eventually he found one that was young enough for someone to notice. His luck ran out when her real dad turned out to be a thug from Miami. I don’t know what happened to him because I was hiding states away with my mom and brother. My dad was a bastard, but it didn’t end with him.

Judd took a breath like he could barely continue then he forced his words out. “My brother is in prison for raping a thirteen year old. Kept her for days and hurt her so bad she nearly died. He’s doing twenty years, but no doubt will hurt another girl when he gets out. It’s in our blood to hurt women. Every man in my family does. Not just young girls, but wives and daughters. Hell, they even beat their mistresses.”

Judd took a breath and stared at me with pained eyes. “I come from shit stock, Tawny. The worst kind of shit and I never let myself get close to a woman because one day I knew I would do what the other men in my family do. I would hurt a woman because it’s in me to do it. I should never have a woman, but I need you. Fuck, that day in the parking lot when you said those words and looked at me the way you did, I knew I should run away and never talk to you again. Instead, I kissed you because it was what I needed and I thought one kiss would make the need go away. I was so fucking stupid. All I wanted when I kissed you was to keep kissing you. I tried to think I could be better than I am. Then, we got to your sister’s place and I saw you looking like a broken young girl and I knew I’d never be better. I’d destroy you and I was fucking evil to even consider taking the chance. So I made you leave me because I couldn’t leave you.”

Judd’s face was a mask of pain as if every wall he built over the years came crashing down like the thunder around us. I saw the shame and rage and need. Mostly, I saw the desire for something better than he deserved. Every day, I woke up with the same desire.

“I should have stayed away. But I tasted you on my lips every fucking day and I couldn’t forget how you felt in my arms. It felt too damn perfect and I wanted to feel it again. I needed you, but I stayed away. Then, that day I saw you and I knew I was wasting time. Eventually, I was coming back for you, so I was pissing away days, weeks, and months for something I knew I wanted. Maybe it’s too late though. It should be too late because I made you think you’re shit. I know I should walk away, but I can’t.”

Fighting for control, Judd shoved his hands through his wet hair. “I need you to let this happen because all my life has been about denying myself and I’m good at it. I need nothing and I don’t give myself what I want often either. I like doing without because it keeps me strong, but I can’t be strong with you. Not anymore. I saw that ugly pain in your eyes and knew I put it there. I stomped you down like your dad and a million other fuckers did and I know you deserve better. I know that, but I got a taste of something too good to walk away from and I never really did walk away. Even driving away with you crying and hurting, I knew I was coming back. I won’t pretend I’m a good man or you can change me. I’m the kind of man who hurt you before and the kind you should run from, but I need you to let me close again, angel. I need it more than I need to breathe.”

Opening the door a little more, I stared into his eyes and tried to keep my voice steady. “Do you promise not to hurt me again?”

“I could promise, but I’m not the kind of man who won’t hurt you.”

Sighing, I opened the door a little bit more. “Do you promise you’ll try not to hurt me?”

“Yes, angel.”

Opening the door the rest of the way, I stepped back until he entered. Once I shut the door, I studied his soaking wet jacket and the heavy droplets falling from his hair.

Judd stared at me like he wanted everything and could barely control himself. “You have that look again,” he said as his lips found mine.

Pushing off his jacket, I let it drop to the ground as I stared up at him. “I wanted you to be mine more than I’ve ever wanted anything.”

Lifting my lips, I waited a mere second before he kissed me again and I pressed my body against his.

When he pulled away his lips, he frowned. “I got your nightgown wet.”

Judd glanced around and took in the view of my apartment like he hated everything about it. When he focused on me again, I had dropped my nightgown next to his jacket. His gaze washed over me and I waited to be rejected. Instead, he swallowed hard.

“I didn’t tell you that about my family so you’d fuck me. That’s not what I want.”

“You want to be close,” I said, unbuttoning his shirt. “You need to feel like you’re someone else and maybe with me you can. I know when I’m with you, I feel like I’m a different person.”

Judd stared at me as if unsure. “I want you.”

Smiling softly, I pushed his shirt off his shoulders and the wet material plopped to the ground. I let my gaze enjoy the chest I had ached to explore since the day he walked out of the shower with just a towel wrapped around his waist. Now, I had my chance.

Running my fingers down his strong shoulders, I felt my breath coming out faster. His skin felt so warm under my fingertips and my body quickly responded as I caressed the dark hair on his hard chest. Judd watched me like I was fascinating and my smile grew.

Over his chest was a tattoo of a heart punctured by a sword with the name Zaria underneath. My fingers traced the inked skin as I looked up at him.

“Lots of guys have ‘Mom’ on their chests,” he explained. “I put my mom’s name instead.”

“Why the heart with the blade in it?

Judd’s expression shifted ever so slightly. “She broke my heart years ago and it never healed.”

Staring into his eyes, I nodded. “My parents broke mine too. I want my heart to have something new to heal it.”

Judd showed no reaction, but I could nearly feel him struggling with his needs versus his wants. He needed me to stay with him, but he wanted to fuck. I learned as much when I knelt in front of him and kissed just under his bellybutton as I undid his jeans. Judd kicked off his shoes and I tugged down his pants. Soon, only a wildly unprepared pair of briefs stood between me and what strained against the material. Grinning up at him, I eased off the briefs and sighed at the sight of his arousal.

Judd kicked away the briefs then stood over me, breathing too fast as his hands balled into fists. He wanted to fuck so badly, but I needed more than to have a man thrusting inside me until he was satisfied.

Taking my eyes off his tense expression, I stared at his cock pressed against his belly. So hard and thick, it enticed me to lick away a drop of cum on the tip. Judd’s breathing changed as he pulled me to my feet.

Hands gripping my hair, he kissed me hard and stole my breath. I met his hunger with my own, finally fearless after a lifetime of fear. My body pressed against his, cradling his erection as I ran my nails down his back. Judd’s hands left my hair and cupped my butt, pulling me even closer, wanting me right where we stood. Then, his lips left mine and he stared into my eyes.

Hunger, raw and unbroken, looked back at me. He wanted to fuck me, hard and fast until I couldn’t move. Instead, he stepped back and licked at his lips as I tasted him on mine.

Opening his mouth to speak, Judd said nothing as I took his hand and pulled him towards the bed. My body needed nothing to prepare it for what was next. Never could I have imagined being so aroused from simply kissing.

As I leaned back, Judd pulled back. Watching him walk his fine nude body back to his clothes, I panicked at the thought that he might reject me again. Instead, Judd retrieved his jacket, fished around in the pockets, and returned with a handful of condoms.

“Tell me you want this,” he said in a rough voice. “A woman like you that’s been beaten down by life can’t always say no. You need to say yes, so I know you want this.”

“Yes,” I whispered, needing him inside me. “Yes, please, more than anything I want this.”

Judd exhaled hard and I saw something shift on his face. Moving towards me, he tossed the condoms on the dresser except for one. I watched him wide-eyed as I waited and hoped. Between my legs, the flesh throbbed in anticipation. As if sensing as much, Judd’s gaze lowered to where my legs spread.

Leaning forward as he climbed on the bed, his lips met mine tenderly. I sucked at his tongue, wanting everything because my dream might come true.

Judd pressed two fingers inside me and I pushed down on them, searching for pleasure. I whimpered when he removed them then watched him suck the slickness from his fingers.

“Judd,” I whispered and he smiled like I was magic.

“You look like an angel,” he murmured, his eyes on me even as he removed the condom from its wrapper.

Watching him roll it over his erection, I reached for his chest, teasing his nipples. Judd groaned quietly then he was ready and I smiled. Judd smiled too as he pressed me back on the bed.

Lips at my throat, he tasted gently, yet ended with a nip of his teeth. I sighed as between my legs ached to be filled. Judd wanted to explore a little first. While I ran my fingers through his wet hair, he sucked at my nipple. Softly then a little bite that sent my hips looking for his.

“Judd, now, please.”

“I love when you say my name,” he whispered, kissing me.

My legs opened for him and he angled his cock between my swollen wet lips. Unable to wait, I lifted my hips, searching for relief. I found it as he opened me up with a soft push. A moment passed as I adjusted then he pulled out an inch before thrusting deeper. Moaning, I held onto his forearms and watched him thrust deeper and deeper.