Damaged and the Knight (14 page)

I wanted him all and soon he pushed so deep the base of his cock caressed my clit and I came hard. Crying out, I closed my eyes and thrusted my hips upward for more. Judd filled me then left me just enough to cause a panic before filling me again. Slowly, he pushed me towards another orgasm and I smiled at him as I felt it coming.

“You’re so beautiful,” I murmured, gripping onto him as I came hard again. “The most beautiful thing in the world.”

As Judd stared at me, I knew his control was breaking. His thrusts were faster, harder, almost desperate in their intensity. Holding on, I soaked in the feel of him until he came.

Our bodies shook as the waves of pleasure lingered. When our eyes met though, I knew there was a reason he dropped so many condoms on the nightstand. I held his warm gaze and smiled.

“I want more,” I told him, eliciting a grin.

As hours passed, I lost track of how many orgasms I enjoyed. Lost track of everything except how his body moved inside mine. Again and again, as if we were starving and finally found nourishment in each other’s arms. Long after exhaustion teased at the edges of my thoughts and my body grew tender from our lovemaking, I still wanted everything he would give me.

Despite Judd’s past as a redneck fucker, he was unbearably careful with me. I felt how many times he struggled to restrain the hunger I saw in his eyes. He wanted to simply take, but never did because I was his angel. Every time he came inside me, he whispered his pet name for me and I felt a little more like someone else. Someone I didn’t recognize, but desperately needed to be.

Long after we had sated our needs, our bodies remained together, teasing and testing. Propped up over me, Judd pulled his cock from me then pressed achingly slow back inside. In and out, each time allowing the head to tease my clit before he angled back into me. While the pleasure built, I explored his chest. I’d had many fantasies about touching the hard muscled frame.

On the right side of his stomach was a tattoo of a decorative cross with a black snake curled around it. I suspected it signified evil tainting grace. Was this how Judd viewed us? Was he the devil tempting naïve Adam and Eve? No matter his feelings, I was tainted long ago. Often I felt ruined, but not with Judd. There were moments when I had no past or future. No fear or shame. It was just me and my knight.

Chapter Fourteen

Judd wasn’t sleeping very deep when I crawled out of bed. I didn’t blame him for being restless. Between the raging storm and my loud neighbors, the apartment was loud.

Even with Judd next to me, I couldn’t calm my growing panic. The noise was too loud and I felt like people were watching me. Mostly, I felt like the walls were closing in on me and I had to get away. Hiding in the bathtub with the door locked, I pulled the curtain shut and tried to push away the voices.

I heard them though. Not the neighbors, but the men from the motel. The way they would play their radio loudly outside my room and knock on the door. Tommy would tell me what he planned for me and how flexible he hoped I was and how he would share me because he was a nice guy like that. Hiding in the bathroom then too, I’d cover my ears and pretend Farah was holding me and we were together and safe.

Even promising myself I was safe in Ellsberg, it was as if I was back in the motel. Around the edges were also the memories of the biker gang. How loud they would get in the evenings. How they would play their music and drink until they were screaming and laughing at everything. When they got so loud and drunk, they made me and Farah scream too.

Somewhere in my mind, I understood I was far away from them. Despite knowing I was safe, I felt their eyes on me. They were watching and laughing. Hiding my face in my lap, I struggled to find my way out of the darkness and back to Judd. Instead, I was the ruined girl returned to her dad and told I’d make a good whore.

Judd called my name through the door, but I didn’t answer. I wanted so badly to be someone else. I wanted to be beautiful and special. I wanted to be able to look at myself in the mirror without shame. I wanted it all, but I was just fooling myself. Just because Farah made her dreams come true didn’t mean I would. Farah was always special, but I never was and nothing had changed.

The pop of the door busting in startled me, yet I kept my face hidden as Judd pushed aside the shower curtain. His hand caressed the back of my head then he whispered my name again. Wanting to ignore him, I felt like I’d ruined our first time by being ruined before he ever met me.

Hearing something like panic or hurt in his voice, I didn’t ignore him. He thought I was angry with him or he had done something wrong when in fact he did everything right. Our first time was only beautiful because of him. I was the ruined thing, but he couldn’t see past his own self-hatred.

Lifting my face, I sighed. “It’s so loud.”

“Why didn’t you wake me if you were scared?”

Shaking my head, I just stared at the wall until a bang from next door sent me an inch off the ground. I turned to Judd and wanted him to understand because I knew he didn’t. His gaze revealed only pain as he recalled our every moment together.

Softly, I wrapped my fingers around his neck and brought him closer.

“When I was younger, men hurt me.” I whispered and Judd tensed. “They would watch when they were hurting me and I feel like they’re watching me now.” Releasing him, I stared into his eyes and added, “It’s not you that’s scaring me.”

Judd sighed. “I want you to get dressed and pack up extra clothes because yours will get soaked. We’re going to my place.”

“I don’t want to go outside,” I said, crying. “They’re out there waiting.”

Judd’s jaw tensed. “Remember in the hotel when I told you what would happen if someone came looking for you?” When I nodded, he continued, “I’ll kill anyone who comes near my angel. Do you understand?”

“I know it’s stupid, but I feel their eyes on me.”

“It’s not stupid. My place is in a quiet building and you’ll feel safer there. Can you get up?”

Nodding, I stood with his help and followed him out of the bathroom. Quickly dressed, I still felt like someone was watching and laughing. The bikers laughed a lot when they made fun of my body. My big knees and bony legs and flat ass. They didn’t think my breasts were sexy. They called them fat milk jugs. I would stand there and cry and they’d laugh more. I could hear them laughing as I followed Judd from the apartment.

His arm around me, Judd carried my bags in the hand next to my shoulder. His free hand held a gun and I looked at it every time I felt the panic building.

Smelling of Judd’s cologne, the SUV felt safe. He turned on a CD and Bob Seger sounded right for my dark mood. Feeling the filthy gazes of the horrible men on me, I knew they wanted to laugh at me again. I felt so sexy when I was with Judd, but that was gone now. I was ugly and couldn’t forget their cruel words.

“Do you know what post traumatic stress is?” Judd asked as we waited at a light.

“Soldiers get that.”

Judd nodded. “Victims of crime do too. My mom has it. Even after years of therapy, she gets in these moods where she can’t be touched and needs to be alone. She’ll spend days in her place with her little dogs and her knitting and won’t talk to anyone.”

“Your dad hurt her?”

“Yeah, and she broke free eventually, but in her heart, she’s still his prisoner sometimes. She can’t ever truly be free, but most days, she’s happy. When she’s not happy though, it’s bad.”

“I know those men were sick fucks and I shouldn’t care what they said, but I feel like they’re here again. I feel like I’m back there and…”

Judd spoke when I didn’t finish. “You need to feel safe. I’ve got real quiet neighbors. Lots of retired people. It’ll settle you down until you feel more like yourself. Pearl will help too.”

“Who?”

Judd gave me a little grin. “You’ll see. She’s going to be crazy about you.”

Soaked from the rain, I began to chatter and Judd shoved the arm rest back so he could wrap me against him. Even smiling at his gesture, I was tired and scared.

My teeth were still chattering when we reached his underground parking lot. Judd’s arm remained around me as we walked to the elevator where he used a security code to get the doors to open. Closing my eyes, I leaned against him as we headed up to the third floor. Soon, we made our way to his corner apartment.

The minute we entered, I relaxed because this was Judd’s sanctuary. He admitted as much as we walked down the short hall to an open kitchen family room layout.

“I rarely have people in my place. I hate it really. My mom and Vaughn come around. The Johansson brothers on occasion. Their dad a few times. Otherwise, I don’t want people in my place.”

The tone he used told me how seriously Judd felt about having a place to himself. Yet, he brought me.

I smiled up at him. “It’s very manly in here.”

Judd gave me a grin then dropped my bag on a kitchen stool.

“I’ve never shared a bed with a woman,” he said, taking off my wet jacket. “No, once I got wasted and crashed at the place of the chick I fucked. As soon as I was conscious, I got outta there. I don’t like sharing a bed.”

Feeling something at my leg, I flinched away until I saw a fluffy white cat. “You have a cat,” I said, stating the obvious.

“That’s Pearl,” Judd explained, leaving me to kneel down and pet the cat that immediately purred.

Judd walked to the kitchen and found us something to drink. “She’s my neighbor’s cat really. When Helen went in for surgery, she was looking for someone to watch Pearl because she thought boarding the cat would be too upsetting. I didn’t want to do it, but my neighbors were all smart enough to claim allergies. I still wanted to say no, but Helen looked up at me with her big eyes and what the fuck could I do?”

Grinning at him, I sat with Pearl who climbed into my lap.

“Babe, why don’t you get out of those wet clothes and sit on a couch?”

“What happened to Helen?”

Judd shrugged as he placed the two beers on a coffee table. “She had complications and ended up in a nursing home. I couldn’t take Pearl to the shelter. That was too fucked up and my mom’s dogs don’t like cats. So I kept her.”

Judd pulled me to my feet and lifted my damp shirt over my head. Once he removed his shirt, I noticed him lick his lips as his eyes focused on my nipples dark against the damp bra.

“You’re soaked through,” he murmured, playing with the straps. Suddenly, he frowned and lifted his gaze to mine. “You were upset and…”

“I’m not special like you think,” I told him, feeling ugly under the beautiful gaze he gave me. “You think you’re a bad guy and I’m too good for you, but I’m a filthy whore.”

Judd moved so quickly that I flinched. “Don’t you fucking say those words. Do you understand?” Staring at him, I remained silent and he sighed. “Why the fuck would you say that about yourself?”

“I want you right now,” I muttered. “Even scared, I want to go in your room and feel you inside me. I’m a natural whore.”

“Because you want me?”

Shaking my head, I shrugged. “With those men, I didn’t want it and I was scared, but…”

Lowering my gaze, I wished I could be someone else. I wanted to forget, yet I was me and no amount of lies would change this fact.

“You came,” he whispered, staring at me.

Nodding, I began to cry. “How did you know? Is it that obvious what I am?”

Judd cupped my face. “You’re so fucked up in your head. How can you not know how damaged you are?”

“I know.”

Judd tugged me to the couch where I sat in my damp clothes. He held my hand tenderly then wiped away a tear falling down my cheek.

“Sometimes, I fuck a chick and she goes wild five seconds in. Sometimes, I fuck a chick and she never comes at all. I don’t do anything different because I just want to get off. Do you get what I’m saying?”

I shook my head.

“Some women are just more sensitive and they get riled up without any help from me. Other women need a lot of help. You’re more sensitive, babe. I didn’t fuck you great that first time. Maybe not any of the times, but you came hard for me. Your body is sensitive to touch like some chicks ain’t. That doesn’t make you a whore. What those fuckers did to you doesn’t make you a whore either.”

Staring at where Pearl cuddled on my lap, I sighed. “Farah never did. Those men would bitch about how she was a lousy lay, just staring and crying the whole time. When my dad came to pay the men and get us back, the head one who hurt Farah so much, he said that the next time my dad was low on cash, he shouldn’t run around like a chicken with his head cut off. He should just put me on the streets because I was a natural whore.”

With his walls up, Judd hid his rage well. Even with hints of it around his eyes, he remained calm. As his cool exterior soothed me, my tears ended, only wetness on my face now.

“There was this little girl who was abused by her evil fuck of a father. The tweeker worked for Kirk and he was skimming off the top. Stealing from the Johanssons is an easy way to die. This guy was messing with his kid when we got there. Vaughn about tore his head off, but I stopped him because we needed info. Anyway, this fucker said the girl liked it. She asked for it all the time because it felt good. Maybe she did, but she was a kid and didn’t know any better. Her body wasn’t meant for that, but evil men will make excuses for their evil. Those fuckers who hurt you are evil, but they wanted to think they were right. No one likes being evil. Every one of them that I’ve held a gun to has bullshit me in the way they bullshit themselves. Doesn’t change how it’s bullshit though, Tawny. Some part of you knows how you and that little girl and those girls my dad seduced never wanted what happened to them. Your body doesn’t need to be on the same page as your head and heart.”

Still holding my hand, Judd stared at me. “You need to understand that because I see this look in your eyes like you don’t want to see tomorrow and you need to fucking see tomorrow. Your sister needs you and I do too. I can’t have just a taste of something so damn good then lose it. You’ll destroy us by leaving, so you need to see past your pain. The truth is you came for those bastards because your body wasn’t yours. You were young, right?”