Crushing Desire (13 page)

His anguish spilled from him in rivers of salt, drawing her hand to his cheek.

“I’m all right.” Her words were quiet.

“You deserve a man that can love you and protect you. I can only give you love.” He stood, hauling her with him and hugged her forcefully to him, holding her as though he were trying to pull her safely within his body where he could truly protect her.

“What if we had been alone? What if Ms. Benton and Jerrold hadn’t come?” he whispered in her ear. “What kind of man can’t even protect the woman he loves?”

Reena wanted to reassure him, wanted to tell him that he had done what he could, but they both knew it wouldn’t be enough. Her words were useless here as they had been that night.

“Oh how I love you, my beautiful Reena.” His lips brushed hers again, lingering this time.

There was an urgency to his movements as his mouth slashed over hers in a desperate kiss. The salt of his tears bore testimony to their parting. She pulled herself gently from his embrace, a cry leaving him with her lips.

“I’m so sorry, Michael,” she said. “About all of this.”

He released her and stepped back. Wiping his tears, he stared at her as if he wanted to memorize every inch. Reena stood silently, wanting, yet unable to stop his pain. She’d come to care for him deeply during their courtship, and the thought of his anguish was like a physical injury. Like someone cutting a piece of her soul out with a dull implement.

He turned silently and walked away. She wanted to call him back, but knew that it would change nothing. He’d made up his mind.

She stepped to the edge of the trees, watching him leave. Michael passed Martin, who looked at her for a moment, his eyes hooded, and then he turned to run after his brother’s hunched form. She tried not to think of her fault in this as Michael and Martin walked to their waiting carriage. Michael turned toward her for an instant, holding the side of the carriage, staring. Then he swung himself inside, rode down the drive, and out of her life.

Michael had truly loved her, in spite of all her faults, and she had cared a great deal for him in her own way. In hind sight, Reena knew she should have been honest with him from the beginning. She was to blame for much of what had happened, and now this young man’s life would never be the same. Body and mind going numb, she dropped limply onto the bench.

Chapter Thirteen

Reena had been gone with Michael for hours now.

All right, perhaps it had only been fifteen minutes, but it was too long. In that time, Joshua had paced the outskirts of the party goers to the point of nearly wearing a groove in the lawn.

He couldn’t take it anymore; Joshua had to see what the man was up to. To make sure that Reena was well. Rounding the curve of hedges in the garden, he spotted Reena, sitting on a bench, her face buried in her hands. His heart dropped to the pit of his stomach.

“What’s wrong?” Joshua sank onto the bench beside her. “What has happened?”

“Michael… He’s gone.” Her words were distant and quiet, in spite of the fact that she’d lifted her face from her hands. “After everything I’ve done… I’ve bungled it all, and now he’s leaving.”

Joshua’s insides twisted at her use of the man’s given name. He’d made a promise to keep her happy, no matter what the cost, but he realized now that somehow he’d assumed the pledge would include him. After everything that had happened lately, could he really help her to be with another man even if it was what she wanted?

“After the attack too…” She studied her hands as she spoke. “He was going to propose. Had a ring and everything.” Shaking her head, she stared in what appeared to be a blank daze at the nearby trees. “The blanket and the roses were so lovely. And all the candles…”

His jaw twitched.

“The men saw us together on the blanket,” she said, and Joshua’s world went dark for a moment.

Did she give herself to him?

“They might not have tried anything if they hadn’t seen us there. I don’t know why I did it. I shouldn’t have…”

Shouldn’t have done what?
What did she do with Michael?
He wanted to shake the answer from her. Instead he waited. She needed time to tell him at her pace, no matter how impatient he might feel.

She lifted her fingers to her trembling lips, muffling her voice. “I was so scared. They tried to… They would have killed us both.”

“Did they touch you?” His mind reeled with even more disturbing images, and his stomach pitched.

“No,” she shook her head, and her gaze seemed to focus for a moment but only on the canopy of leaves above them. “They saw Michael… I ran. One of them chased me, and they had Michael down. They were going to hurt him. I couldn’t run. They would have killed him.” Her voice hitched. “Thank God Emily and Jerrold showed up when they did, or they might have…”

White hot rage blinded him for what might have happened. For the revelation that Reena had been with Michael on a blanket by the river. And without her chaperone. Balling his fists, he wanted to lash out. Use his fists, arms, and legs. Strike out against the strangers who’d frightened her so badly, and the man who may have taken her innocence. Did she love him? That had been the most painful revelation. More than the possible act of giving herself to him, she had feared for Michael above herself.

She looked at him, eyes seeming to focus on him at last. Her mouth dropped open, and her hands rushed to cover it. Her eyes welled, and she closed them tight, a single tear sliding down her cheek.

“Don’t worry about anything. You get some rest, and let me take care of everything.”

He stood, trying to control his ticking jaw.

“Wait, Joshua, I…” The tremors in her voice knifed him.

Joshua squared his shoulders and raised a hand, not even peeking back. He knew that if he glanced back, he would unman himself, and he could not allow that. “I’ll send Emily to collect you and make your apologies.”

“Joshua!”

He kept walking.

9

Joshua went to visit Michael several times in the month after Reena’s party, hoping to convince him to stay. This time, after the footman turned him away from the house, Joshua had refused to be run off. A little money and an offer of employment, should the footman be dismissed, was all it took to gain an audience with the unhappy viscount.

Michael sat across from him, well dressed and handsome, his face unmarred by the rigors of life and untouched by the true sorrow that only comes with loss. His chin raised an inch as he glowered at Joshua.

“I will leave and make myself worthy of Miss Harrison, and when I return, she will be waiting for me,” Michael said simply.

“What if she marries while you are away?” Trying to convince the man to stay and marry Reena left a bitter taste in his mouth, but he’d undertaken the duty of her happiness, and like it or not, if Michael was that important to Reena then he had to try.

Michael surveyed him from head to toe, then his eyes rolled dismissively, and his gaze moved to the window.

“Martin has enlisted with me, and Dan has promised to stop paying her court. As brothers, they owe me more allegiance than her. No man less than a duke would dare to take on my family in England or France. He would unquestionably find himself sorry if he tried.”

Joshua ignored the thinly veiled threat. He might not have a title, but his heroic status had earned him enough powerful friends and business partners that he had no reason to fear. “You should—”

“I think
you
should leave.” Michael said, standing from his seat. “This is none of your affair, and I won’t be swayed. I’m not even sure why I agreed to come in here.”

They both knew that it was because he’d been informed that Joshua would not leave without an audience, but that didn’t matter now.

“You can’t just—”

Michael stormed from the room, ignoring Joshua as he went. Joshua stood, knowing that he should have tried harder, but it was still against his nature to help her marry another man even considering his promise. He was preparing to follow Michael, when Martin came in. Scowling at him, Martin stepped up to Joshua, stopping inches from him, eyes blazing.

“Damn you. Damn you!” he hissed. “He had just come to terms with what had happened, and you had to come here and trouble him with more thoughts of her.” Martin poked a finger in Joshua’s chest.

“Move that finger before you find it lying at your feet,” Joshua said.

Martin stepped back, his face reddening. Obviously, because he was an earl, and Martin didn’t expect anyone to speak to him that way, but Joshua didn’t care for his false title. The second son of a countess might have a title, but he would never understand what a true day’s work was like. Martin would learn a lot about life when he entered the military, though. Joshua knew that personally.

“Get out! And don’t come back to my home again. Leave my brother alone.”

Joshua turned a searing gaze on Martin, disregarding his words.

“Miss Harrison deserves to be treated with respect, and he cannot think that he can leave her to pine for years and return to find her waiting. She needs to be protected. If he wishes to marry her, he should do so and not run off like a spoiled child. It would serve him right if he found her married on his return.”

“After what happened, she wouldn’t dare marry another man,” Martin spat, sneering.

His words banished all doubt. They insinuated—no—they told Joshua that his suspicions had been correct. She had been ruined that night. Joshua’s fist clenched, his anger building before he tamped it down with military precision. He knew that Michael was valued by Reena, and Reena was important to Joshua, so he’d tried. For her sake, he’d argued that she shouldn’t be left but should be married by this man who didn’t deserve her. He would not, however, let her be insulted.

Joshua took a step toward him, regardless of the fact that the man was taller. He leaned toward him. “You watch what you say about her and more specifically to her. If you hurt her, I’ll do more than kill you, I’ll make your life miserable until the moment I do. She did nothing to cause this.”

“She caused all of this!” Martin sounded quite like a whining child. “If she hadn’t been acting like a whore—”

The fist that connected with Martin’s face ceased the rest of his words, and he lay on the floor with his hand over his nose, eyes wide.

“Watch what you say, or you should find yourself with a dawn appointment.” Rage flowed unchecked through Joshua as he delivered his deadly promise. Grasping and pulling hard on the reigns of his control, he stomped past the fallen man and headed for the door.

He’d been rather surprised by Martin’s reaction. His extreme response to his brother’s pain was almost unexpected. It had certainly been a surprise to see how daring he’d been to speak ill of Reena after being warned. Something else which came from having grown up with a title, he supposed.

Jumping up into his carriage, he tapped the roof, signaling the driver that he was ready to leave. As the carriage rumbled down the road, Joshua thought of Reena. Her quivering while Michael’s hands caressed her soft flesh. He couldn’t stand the idea. Michael’s mouth on hers, his tongue… Joshua closed his eyes against the image in his mind, willing himself to lock it away. He wanted her for himself, but he hadn’t realized it until it was too late. Joshua wished he could hunt Michael down and beat him to within an inch of his life now that he knew for certain what he’d done to Reena, what she had let him do. Part of what he’d wanted out of the visit was confirmation that Reena hadn’t given herself to Michael. All hope for that scenario had been destroyed with Martin’s words. If he’d been certain while sitting across from the man, he never would have let him leave the room. He would have killed him.

Joshua knew he’d been avoiding Reena all this time. It was getting harder by the day to watch the divide growing between them at his quick and sometimes callous treatment. At the same time, it had been become even harder to see her without imagining her entangled in Michael’s arms. He’d found it difficult to be around her, during the time he sought his answers. Now that he knew the truth, he didn’t know what he would do when he saw Reena again.

9

 
Joshua had not been the same since the party, and for Reena, the event was a blur of memories. She’d had the sensation of security and comfort with her family and friends surrounding her that evening. And in that thick halo of strength, her mind had wandered back over that terrible day for the first time in its entirety. When she had finally realized who she was speaking to, it had been too late. She’d said too much, Reena was sure of it. Had she even told him of Michael’s kiss? And of the filthy beast who would surely had taken everything from her? She couldn’t recall.

“Joshua is coming up the walk.” Emily walked across the immense library, stopping at the chair in which Reena sat. “I thought you might like to sit in the gazebo? He might want to have a chat?”

Reena shook her head, closing the book she’d been holding.

“Reena, you can’t keep moping about. You must eat, and you must cheer up.” Emily’s words, though a reprimand, were softly spoken. “You wander through the house, turning away all visitors and spending more time with books than living, breathing beings.”