Crash & Burn (15 page)

Baby

Lil

             
Tank’s four inches from the screen with his face practically pressed against it. He’s
all but blocked out my view now and I’ve given up trying to move him. He told me to
shove over and that was it. Ten minutes ago the doctor told him she had other patients
to see. He then proceeded to tell her he’d give her a thousand dollars to give us
fifteen more minutes. My poor doctor is now printing off picture after picture and
answering all kinds of crazy questions from my crazy ass man. It’s kind of annoying
because I have to pee so badly, but it’s pretty fucking adorable too.

“Tank?” He doesn’t even look at me. “Babe.” I say shoving at his shoulder. He just
shrugs me off. “Hello! Tank! Let’s go.”

“Shut it baby.” I shut it and let him look at
his
baby, in his bossy way.
His
baby. We’ll see whose baby it is at two in the morning when it’s crying uncontrollably.

He got ten minutes more of that before I was done. I hopped up and left him staring
at the screen like I just told him Santa is fake. Walking through the office, he’s
in baby land staring at the pictures. Who knew such a bad ass would be so into something
like this.

“Names?” He says out of nowhere.

“Excuse me?” What the hell is he rambling on about? I can’t focus on anything other
than the bathroom.

“Names for
my
baby, yeah?” Ah, so here we are. I have a feeling this is gonna be a battle.

“Do you have some picked out already?” I don’t know why I’m even asking. Of fucking
course he does. Bossy ass wouldn’t have it any other way.

“Slash.” He deadpans. I wait for the laugh to come out of him, but nothing. He’s serious.
Oh hell no. No fuckin’ way.

“Seriously?”

“Thor?” Thor? Really? Did he really just suggest Thor to me? I just shake my head
and head for the swinging door. I have no response for that.

“Harley or Trigger.” He calls after me. I can’t help it, I laugh. I laugh so damn
hard I have to brace myself against the side of the building to keep from toppling
over and cross my legs to keep from peeing myself, which did happen, just a little
bit.

“You’re joking, right?” I get out between my hysterical laughter.

“Fuck no.” His arms are crossed over his chest and his brows are drawn together as
he stares down at me with his mouth in an unamused hard line.

“For one. Those names? Not happenin’, no matter how much you pout.”

“Education. I don’t fuckin’ pout.”

“Whatever you say. Those names though? No go. Never gonna happen so get them outta
your thick head right now. Two, they’re all boy names. There’s a fifty percent chance
it’s a girl.”

In my heart I could care less either way. It used to drive me bat shit crazy when
you asked an expectant mother what sex she hoped her baby would be and she’d answer
with that cliché response, “I don’t care as long as it’s healthy.” It’s true, I really
don’t care as long as my baby comes out healthy. But that tiny bitchy biker brat in
me rears her ugly head and says “Girl. Girl. Girl.” Just to spite him. Shaking his
head he grumbles and growls.

“No fuckin’ girls. No. Not happenin’.” Impossibly stubborn asshole.

“I’m havin’ a girl just to drive you crazy.”

****

We got to the club and Tank showed everyone the picture of
his
baby. He went on and on until even I was annoyed with him. He really is into this
whole baby thing. It’s kind of sweet that he’s into this so goddamn much. Sitting
on the couch now, I watch Tank talk to Leo, Tiny and Gin. The three of them are huddled
by the bar in a big ol’ biker circle. They’re doing their typical grunt, nod, coded
word conversation about God knows what. I find it funny that even inside, away from
outside prying eyes and unfriendly ears, they still talk like this. I mean, I could
give a fuck less about what they’re talking about. Seriously, none of us Old Ladies
care about their shit. If I really wanted to know, I could get him alone and fuck
it out of him anyway. Give him some pussy and he’ll be spilling all kinds of secrets.
He’d be a shit spy.

“Watcha’ talkin’ ‘bout babe?” I’ve gotta fuck with him. It’s to alluring not to. Tipping
his head in my direction, he lifts an eyebrow while looking at me like I’ve lost my
ever loving mind. “Don’t worry ‘bout it. Club shit babe.” Club shit? Ya don’t say.

“You talkin’ ‘bout that new line on the blow or the possible new brothers?” I don’t
even get a response.  He just throws his hands in the air and stomps off grumbling
“Fuckin’ mouthy ass woman. Not tellin’ her shit again.”

“Damn brother, stop tellin’ your Old Lady all our business.” Leo mumbles, shaking
his head.

“Well there goes all our fuckin’ secrets.” Gin laughs and smiles at me. Men, I swear.
They’re worse than bitches.

             
But this is the Tank I’ve missed. This is man I’ve been waiting for. The one who is
interested in his club again. The guy who holds down his club and brothers. The one
who is bossy and a huge asshole. The man who keeps me close. The Tank that loves me
enough to keep me in the loop. I’ve missed this Tank. Finally I have him back. Even
if he’s grumbling and growling about me sticking my nose in club business, I still
fucking love him.

****

“Doctor said I can still fuck you baby.” He informs me while smashing me into the
bed. His face is in my neck and his hand is twisted up in my hair, pulling on it.

“Keep layin’ on me like that ‘n you’re gonna squish the baby right out of me.” Groaning
he rolls off of me and onto this back right next to me. Throwing an arm over his head
he grumbles.

“Killed the fuckin’ mood Lil! Talkin’ ‘bout squeezin’ babies out your pussy. Freaks
me the fuck out.”

“Just wait ‘till I push one out.” He grumbles and groans. Hopping up, he shakes his
head.

“You’re a mean fuckin’ woman, ya know that?” He growls waving around a hand at his
hard dick. I just laugh. “Fuckin’ tease me in the hall then ya start talkin’ baby.
Jesus Christ.” He stomps his way into the bathroom. The shower starts and he says,
“You’re an asshole Lilly.”

“But you still love me.”

“Baby yeah I fuckin’ do, but you’re still a goddamn pain in my ass.”

He damn near fucked that baby right out of me. That night our lives changed forever.

****

             
Ty Trace. That’s my son’s name. My
Son
. I have a son. It’s insane. He’s so small and so perfect. He has Tanks dark hair,
his lips, his nose, his jaw. They’re goddamn twins, and he’s so perfect. I’ve never
seen anything like him. It’s hard not to cry when I look at him. From the moment he
took his first breath, I knew I’d love him until I took my last.

             
Seven hours of hard labor. Crying, squeezing Tanks hand, yelling at everyone, hitting
Tank, and throwing out every dirty word known to man and it happened so fast after
that. The doctor said, “It’s a boy” and that was it for us. I’ve never seen Tank cry,
but there were tears. Not many, but they were there.

“Here mommy.” The doctor said, handing me my son
.
God I have a son that looks exactly like his dad and it’s terrifying.

“Give him to Tank.” The doctor, nurses, Tank, and everyone there all looked at me
like I was fucking nuts. “I’ve had nine months with him. I have the rest of my life
to hold him. Give him to Tank.”

“Baby, I don’t know.” He’s scared. I’ve never seen this kind of scared from him before.
His hands are shaking and his eyes are huge.

“You’ll be great.” I encourage him, even though I’ve got to admit … I’m a little nervous
handing over
my
s
on.
He’s been only mine for nine long months, and now it’s time to trust someone else
with him.
Tank would never hurt our son, but he’s just so small and fragile. The doctor hands
him to Tank.

“He’s tiny. You lied doc. Ya said he was gonna be big.”

She laughs and shakes her head. “Nine pounds is big. He’s big and healthy. You two
will be fine.”

             
Sitting down in the reclining chair in our room, he looks down at the baby and starts
talking to him.

“Doc say’s we’ll be
fine,
so don’t hold it against me if I man handle ya a little bit, buddy. I’m new at this
shit.” Ty just wiggles around a little and yawns. Unwrapping Ty, I watch Tank poke
and prod at him.

“What are you doing?”

“Don’t worry ‘bout it baby. Just get some damn sleep.”

“Bossy ass.”

“Mommy thinks I’m bossy, but mommy’s wrong. She’s the bossy one. Not too long now
n’ it’ll be you she’ll be bossin’. Sorry to say bud, but it’s gonna be like that the
rest of your damn life.”

“Don’t tell him that,” I yawn. I’m tired. Giving birth is exhausting. Tanks got him
so I figure ten quick minutes of rest will be okay. Closing my eyes, I catch Tank
lifting Ty up and laying him on his chest, propping his own feet up as he leans back.

“You’re my son. You’re a damn Tank, buddy.”

****

             
Ty’s a week old and I’ve held him maybe nine times since we brought him home. Okay
so that’s an exaggeration, but it fucking feels like it. If Tank’s not hogging him,
it’s someone else. Gin’s always hovering, trying to steal him from whoever has him.
Peaches insists on putting every article of clothing he owns on him. Mary and Kiki
are always smudging his face with red lipped kisses, and Cali has to cuddle him any
time she sees him. Stitch s
hows
him the bikes. Happy warns him off women, and Rampage will only hold him if he’s asleep,
because according to him, that’s the only time he’s not crying.

The guys hold him and tell him all the ridiculous shit they’re going to let him do
as soon as he’s walking. The old ladies “
ooh
” and “
aah
” him constantly. My son will always have a family, because everyone loves that little
baby.

             
I took him to see my dad and he fell in love instantly. Hell, he was even able to
pull some strings and get a visit where he could hold him. God it was hard to see
him hold Ty and not be able to come home with us so he could see him daily, but he
got to touch him and Ty held his finger. It was perfect. I just hope and pray he can
beat this shit and come home to his family soon. Ty needs him. I need him. His family
needs him.

****

             
“You guys are takin’ up the entire bed.” Tank is lying in bed with Ty on his chest.
This is how it’s been since we’ve brought him home. A king size bed and I get a foot
of it. Tanks watching TV and playing with
his
Ty’s tiny fingers. Looking at him holding our son makes me fall in love all over
again. He’s so gentle with him. I didn’t know what to expect, but he’s an amazing
Dad.

“Too bad babe.” Looking down at Ty he says, “Mommy’s ridin’ couch tonight.” For fucks
sake. For such a big ass, mean man, he sure is cuddly with that baby.

“You’re lucky you’re holdin’ the baby.” I warn him. Tank just laughs that deep gruff
laugh. He scoots over and nods me over.

“You’re lucky I love you so fuckin’ much.”

Looking down at Ty he says, “We love mommy so I guess we can let her sleep with us.”
Crawling in bed with Tank and Ty, I lean my head onto Tanks shoulder. This is where
I want to be. This where I’ve always wanted to be.

Kissing his shoulder I tell him, “I love you.”

“Baby, yeah. I know you do.”

Five years later. …

Tank

             
“Babe!” I stick my head out the door and yell. Yeah I’m feeling that crazy panic shit
work its way up. Where the fuck did she go now? Told her we had ten minutes, then
I was leaving her the fuck here. If she doesn’t get her ass in here real quick, I
might lose it. I’m trying not to flip my shit here. Count to ten asshole. Yeah, fuck
that counting.

“Lilly!” I stick my head out the door and yell again. Gin’s just standing in the hall,
leaning against the wall laughing at me. Fucking asshole, this shit isn’t funny. Rampage
took one look inside the bathroom and turned on his heel, and high tailed his ass
right out of here. I don’t blame him.

“God dammit. LIL! Get the fuck in here”

“What the hell?” She sputters as she comes to a stop in front of the bathroom door.
Her eyes are huge and her face stricken with panic. For a second I’m distracted. Goddamn
she looks fucking hot. A long white dress with no straps and her tits are about to
fall out of it. I could rip that fucker right off her and fuck her right here. I like
that idea a whole fuck of a lot.

Her hair is a mess of curls on her head, and I wanna wrap my hands up in it and pull
on it. Bare feet, pink toes and all. My dick twitches in my jeans and my balls start
to ache.

“Tank!” She snaps at me. Right, I was about to go crazy. Fuck Lil’s body does that
shit to me. I start forgetting shit.

“What the fuck she doin’?” I ask Lil, because I have no fucking clue. And this shit
is scary as fuck to me so I’m not even sure how to approach it.

Lil’s mouth gapes at me and her eye brow raises in suspicion. Oh fuck me, there’s
the devil in those eyes.

“Seriously? You were screamin’ for me over this?” She mutters as she waves a hand
towards the cute little shit sitting on my bathroom counter looking proud as fuck
with her little paint job. Of course Lil doesn’t care. Hell, she looks proud too.
She probably started this shit. Just fucking shoot me now. Put one right between my
goddamn eyes. If this is how it’s going to be, just put me out of my motherfucking
misery.

“I sure the fuck am serious. Why the fuck she paitin’ that shit on her goddamn face
baby?” Throwing her hands in the air, Lil shakes her head and ignores me. With an
annoyed grumble, she yells over her shoulder.

“Because she’s a little fuckin’ girl, Tank.”

Holy fucking shit. Not a good enough reason. Not even close to a good enough reason.
This is not happening. Gin and I both stand here for a minute, still trying to come
up with something.

Finally, Gin just shakes his head and shrugs. “Man, that little girl is gonna kill
me too.” Gin grumbles as he walks off. Fuck yeah, I’m right there with ya brother.

My baby is supposed to stay a baby. Where’s my tiny little thing? Where is my baby
with those dark curls, rosy cheeks, and doe eyes? Looking at her now, I can’t handle
this shit. Her little chubby hands are clutching a doll as she stares in the mirror
and smiles at herself.

My daughter is not starting this shit already. She’s gonna stay my baby. Jesus fucking
Christ, she’s two. Two years old, she is still my baby.

“Dada, me pitty wike mama.” Those big ol’ brown eyes and pig tails say from the bathroom
counter, holding a stick of something red in her free hand. Lil’s makeup is spilled
out everywhere and smeared on every square inch of my bathroom. My baby has lipstick
all over the place and black shit all around her eyes.

“You’re two.” I tell her simply, because what the fuck am I going to say to her? I’m
sure the fuck not going to yell at my sweet baby. She gives me attitude with the mention
of her being two. There’s her mama right there. Those chubby hands are on her sides
and the devil in her big brown eyes.

“No Dada. Me big wike mama now.” Lord help me. I can’t handle this shit. Kill me,
just fucking kill me. I was made for boys, not little girls.

“Lil. Get your ass in there n’ take that shit off my baby before I lose my shit.”

****

             
Standing outside with my brothers, we watch my second miracle run around the club
backyard with Gin’s little shit headed boy. They’re throwing rocks at each other,
being boys. No matter how many times you tell ‘em to knock their shit off, they still
do it. Fuck it, they put an eye out, it’s on them. Owen, Gin’s son is three. Ty, my
boy, is turning five. Ty is one of the best things besides Lil and my baby girl that
has ever happened to me. I can’t imagine life without them. Looking at him, it hits
me how much time flies. I try not to miss shit, but still, I feel like times passing
to goddamn fast. He’s getting so fuckin big and smart now.

“Dad! You see me hit Owen with that rock?” Boys, now this is shit I can handle.

             
The third best thing that ever happened to me comes running outside, pig tails bouncing
and chubby legs going sans makeup a few minutes later.

“Dada!”

I don’t know what’s scarier, the fact the she looks exactly like Lil or the fact that
she acts just like her. Not sure I’ll make to her eighteenth birthday with her looking
like Lil. She’s already got me and the guys antsy and twitchy about how to handle
what she’s gonna bring in the future.

She reaches for me, but punks me at the last second and dodges around me, going right
for Stitch instead when he mentions candy.

“Let’s eat lots of candy, baby.” Stitch says to her, but looks right at me.

“Fuck you.” He just laughs.

My baby just waves at me and smiles at Stitch. He thinks he won her love, but too
fucking bad. She’ll love anyone of these motherfuckers as long as they give her candy.

I thought Lil had my heart, but looking at my baby, I not so sure anymore. It’s a
fucking tossup. My baby came at three in the damn morning on a day where we'd seen
the worst snow storm in decades. Drama just like her mama. Of course Lil couldn't
wait to give birth until during the day. No, it had to be the middle of the fucking
night, four degrees below zero, and a fucking foot of snow. It was a day that Gin,
Stitch, Rampage, me and Ty had spent five hours neck deep in Christmas shit and snow,
putting up decorations like my bossy ass women told me to do. That miracle came wrapped
up in a pink blanket wailing and making a fuss, weighing in at six pounds, four ounces
and nineteen and a half inches long a few hours later. A dark mess of curls, soft
skin, and big deep brown eyes. Rowan looked exactly like her mama; Perfect. Never
saw something so perfect. My son is pretty fucking perfect too. I’m pretty goddamn
lucky.

My boy looks just like me. He came weighing in at nine pounds, one ounce. He's big
as fuck now too. The only thing that boy got from his mamma are her eyes. That little
girl is all her mama's though. Fucking perfection. No fucking idea how I helped create
two things so completely amazing, but somehow I did. Although I'm still saying it
was all Lil. That woman is capable of preforming fucking miracles, that’s for goddamn
sure.

             
“Her face better now, asshole?” Lil asks me as she leans into my side. Much fucking
better.

“Shit yeah. She’s too young for that shit babe.”

Rolling her eyes she says, “You’re gonna be so much fun when she’s a teenager.” I
know I will, but Lil will put up with my ass. She always does. The only woman on this
goddamn earth that would love me after all the shit I threw at her over the years.
Stuck by my side through it all. No matter how bad shit got, she was right there.
There was a time I never thought I’d get here and if I did, I wasn’t sure Lil would
be here with me. I thank fuck every day I’m here with her. I’m one lucky motherfucker.

             
It’s crazy how much I love that woman. Not a goddamn thing I did to deserve her or
my kids, but I’m fucking thankful for them every day. This is a life I never imagined
for myself. A life I never thought I wanted until I had it. Lil and my kids are something
I’d die for. They’re something I wouldn’t give up for anything.

****

             
The fire’s blazing, food’s on the grill, and drinks are in the ice chest as Lil leans
into me, her back leaning against my front. Kids are runnin’ around being shits like
usual. My brothers and their families are here. Life has changed in the past few years,
but shit is still good. Shit is exactly how I want it.

Tags and Low are by the grill flipping all kinds of meat, when Low holds up the spatula
and waves me over with it. Low, now there’s a motherfucker I wasn’t sure I’d ever
see on the outside again. He was acquitted six months ago. He served five and a half
years for a shit ton of other charges, but they dropped the murder charge due to lack
of evidence. Lil’s so goddamn happy to have him back. He officially stepped down as
President, and I was voted in. Told me he just wanted to be a grandpa and a member.
I’m okay with that shit, but don’t get it twisted, that asshole still barks orders
at everyone, but it’s still good to have him back.

Tag’s is still looking for Miss right. He met a bitch, but something happened and
he won’t talk about it. Peaches was finally able to lock that asshole Gin down. Got
married and they had Owen.

Leo is still at the bar talking nonsense, while Mary is right there with him. Tiny
is still avoiding the whores and Kiki is still bitching at him for it. Happy’s still
not the same, but he’s been getting there. It’s been a long time, but since the kids
came into our lives, he’s been slowly coming out of his shell, which is a good thing
‘cause Lil has missed him. She still loves the shit out of his grouchy ass.

Stitch and Cali, well there’s a story for another time. Arms and Melli are working
on building their own army. Four kids now. I swear, these past few years Melli’s been
knocked up the entire time. They’re seem so damn happy, so it’s all good. Rampage
met his match in Lil’s friend Lailah, but shit was a struggle for them. He fucking
loves the fuck outta that girl even if he won’t say it. Don’t know how she puts up
with him, but I’m happy for him.

Sargent, Crush, King, Blade, and Kash are still a bunch of single assholes. Life’s
fucking good. Took a long time to get here, but shit is perfect.

             
“Foods done.” Peaches yells at Lil, waving us over. Lil slides her hand down my arm
and entwines those little fingers around mine. I can feel her all the way to my bones.
I’ll always know her touch. Not a goddamn thing has changed. She’s still the reason
I get out of bed, and still the reason I live life. Her hand in mine brings shit right
back. For a moment I’m pulled right back to six years ago in this same fucking spot.

Free Bird
is playing through the air. The family is hanging around, talking and laughing with
one another. Her hands are on her hips, those big doe eyes blinking up at me through
thick dark lashes as she stares at me like I’m the best motherfucking thing she’s
ever seen. And so much power. A power I now know she holds over me. A power I’d gladly
give up to her and my mind goes back to this same moment, six years ago when she came
to me.

“Dance with me,” she says. It's not a question. Girl just demands and I follow. There's
nothing I wouldn't do for the look on her face right now. That happy content smile
has me.

“Yeah babe,” I agree without question.

I’m fucking lucky she’s my family. I’m just so fucking lucky she’s mine. So fucking
lucky she loves me. I couldn’t imagine myself without her. I couldn’t see anything
without her. She’s it for me.

“I love you, Tank.”

“Baby, yeah. I fuckin’ love you too.”