Crash & Burn (13 page)

Car Seats

&

Kitchen Counters

Lil

             
I try to hold onto that hate. I feed off that mean woman I’ve become so I can use
it. I have to. If I let it go, I’ll break and give in. If I let it go, I’ll run straight
for Tank and forget everything. I would push it all away just to have him back and
part of me is scared shitless over it.

             
But part of me says let it go. Forgive him and move on. No use in dwelling, right?
What I wouldn’t give to have all that back, having Tank to myself again. I’d love
to be able to wrap myself around him to touch him, kiss him, and to love him without
worry and fear. I want him back.
             

As much as I want to, I just can’t fucking forget. Another part of me says this is
just temporary. He’s pulling it together enough to get me back, then he’ll get comfortable
and things will fall to shit again. He’ll get me back around and he’ll start remembering
and then push me away. I’ll start to lose the Tank I’m seeing now and I can’t go through
that again, and I don’t want to see him go through it again either. I don’t think
I’ll survive it. And I will not put my child through that. I’m not ready to fight
that fight just yet.

             
So I hold onto the hate and anger. I hold onto the mean. It’s not like I set out to
be mean to him every time I see him. I don’t want to push him away from me, but I
can’t help it. He smiles at me. He touches me. He’s soft with me and all that bad
shit filters back in. Was this how he was feeling with me? I wouldn’t know ‘cause
he never said it. I just don’t wanna go through that again. So I protect my heart,
along with my baby’s heart. I wait it out until my hearts ready. I wait until I feel
it. I wait until I know I can trust him again.

****

             
“What the hell are you doin’?” Tanks gruff face pops out of the back seat of my Jeep
when I kick through the front door of the club. He just stares at me like I’m speaking
French.

“You and Gin, what the fuck are you doin’?” I ask, pointing at the two of them for
clarification, in case me staring right at him didn’t give him the hint. Still he
stares. Tools, an empty box, and my back seat sitting on the cement of the clubs front
lot. He just ignores me. Gin just ignores me. What the fuck?

             
Tugging on the back door, I look inside and around Tanks giant body.

“What the hell? Why’d you take the seat out?”

“Had to anchor this fuckin’ pain in the ass in.”

“What?” I’m so goddamn confused. Shoving a gray car seat base at me he grumbles.

“This stupid fuckin’ thing has to be anchored to your goddamn car. Had to take the
seat out.” He’s putting in the car seat? My heart hurts, squeezing in my chest. Suddenly
I’m not quite as mad at him as I was ten seconds ago. Why is he taking care of this?
I feel tears well up in my eyes.

I can’t stand here while he’s being sweet. “Whatever. Just make sure to put my back
seat back in.”

             
Locking myself in the bathroom, I let the tears come. I cry like a baby. Damn it.
Why? He’s making this so fucking hard. His big body crammed into the back of my Jeep,
looking uncomfortable and mad. Too big to be in the back of my Jeep yet there he was,
doing it for my baby. A knock on the door startles me.

“What?” I snap at the door.

“Baby, what’s wrong?”

“Go away Tank!”

And he does. He leaves. My car is fixed when I let myself out the bathroom. The seat’s
back to its original spot with a car seat securely set in my back seat. It’s facing
the right way too, mirror attached to my mirror so I can see the baby. Jesus Christ,
there’s even a toy hanging on the handle of the car seat. Damn him.

****

Five bags. I can do this. Loading up my arms, I make the trek up to my back door.
My back hurts and I do not feel like making extra trips in and out. I just want to
unload my groceries, find my sweats, and plop down on my couch. Pushing through my
front door, I see a pair of dirty CATS propped up on my coffee table. Seriously? Bright
mean blue eyes find me.

“What the fuck Lil?” Hopping up, Tank runs over to me. “Why the fuck are you carryin’
all this shit in at once?”

“Why are you here? Better yet, how’d you get in?” Picking up my bags he looks up at
me like I’m crazy for asking. I guess it is a stupid question.

“How the fuck you think I got it?” He shoots back at me.

“Stop pickin’ my goddamn locks. One of my neighbors sees you, they’re gonna call the
cops,
Roman
.” Sitting my bags on the kitchen counter, he glares at me.

“Call me Roman again, imma smack the shit outta you.” He’s so full of shit, his eyes
should be brown.

“What do you want,
Roman
?”

“Fuck,” he mutters under his breath shaking his head. It’s a little fun to pick back
at him. I know he hates when I call him Roman and sometimes I just can’t help it.

“So why’d you pick my locks? Lookin’ for a B and E charge?”

             
Hopping up onto the counter he starts digging through my bags, looking for … who the
fuck knows what. So casual. So at home. It’s so normal it starts to hurt. This is
the shit I miss the most. The normal every day shit I don’t get because he fucked
it all up.

“Like your dress babe.” He nods at my strapless maxi dress. He only likes it because
it’s easy access to my tits.

“Don’t avoid my question
Roman.
”  Grabbing a handful of grapes he pops one into his sexy mouth. He stands and stares
at me as he chews. Today he looks extra scruffy. He really needs a good shave. His
gray tee is dirty and greasy, same with the jeans. But he looks good. So good. Too
good.

“Just wanted to come check on you babe.” He’s a liar.

             
Those crystal blue eyes are dark and mean while he watches me. That face rough and
sexy. It reminds me of the first time I saw him, all that big, mean man. I miss touching
him so much that I dream about it most nights. Waking up, hot and needy. I want him.

“Fuck me.”

Turning his head slowly back towards me he looks at me like I’ve lost my mind.

“Please?” I go with it. I shut my mind down before I can talk myself out of how fucking
stupid I am. I shouldn’t want him. I shouldn’t want this, but I do. I want it so bad
I can’t take it.

“You really just say that? Or did I imagine that shit?”

“Don’t make me say it again.” I plead.

“No. I want to hear you say it again Lil.” He demands.

“You heard me.”

He’s off the counter and on me in a second with his hands around my body, pulling
me to him.
Wrapping his big rough hands around my legs, he picks me up and my ass is set onto
the counter. No amount of fight could stop him now. I opened my mouth and said the
words. Do I feel wrong about it? Yes. But do I want his hands on me? Yes.

With his hand on the back of my neck, he pulls me in and his lips find mine. They’re
harsh and rough.

“You're right, I heard you.” he says roughly around my lips. “You want it baby. Who
am I to deprive you?” Running the tip of his tongue over the curve of my lower lip,
he hums in admiration. I let it all go. For just these few moments, I pretend I’m
not broken.

His rough, calloused fingers draw a path up my leg, slowly touching my skin. No panties
and he's working his way up. My skin tingles and burns, my thighs clench in anticipation.

“What are you doing?” I damn well know what he’s doing. I gave him the words and he’s
doing it. But then all that bad is trying to break free and fuck this up for me and
the doubt settles in. His fingers stop on the inside of my thigh as he stops to look
down at me, watching me.

“Do you want me to stop?” he asks. His voice hoarse and deep, and his beard is rubbing
on my neck and shoulder. I can’t talk.

Taking my silence as his cue, his fingers start again. At his harsh touch I shut my
mind down and go with it. God I’ve missed this. His other hand explores my naked back,
siding a single finger up and down my spine. My body arches into his. I’m wet and
ready, and those fingers are killing me slowly. I need him now.

Grabbing his shirt, I tug him as close as I can get him. My legs are wrapped around
his hips as I press myself into him. I can't get close enough. Looking into his eyes,
I ask for it again.

“Fuck me.”

“Baby, yeah. I got you.” Two long skilled fingers push into me. “I’ve always got you.”
Filling me, stretching me. So goddamn good. Letting my head drop onto his shoulder
I just feel him. Letting my body feel him, focusing on the sensations. He has one
hand on my thigh, fingers digging into my skin that are holding my legs open wide
for him. The other hand works me over. His fingers are fucking me into a mess. This
isn’t like the last few times he’s touched me. His touch isn’t mean or mad. His touch
is reverent this time. He’s still rough like always, but there is no anger there.

Standing in between my legs I can feel how hard he is. I know he wants me. He's always
so rough and hard, exactly how I like him. I should be pissed at myself for giving
into him, but the truth is, I love him. How can I not?

His fingers are so skilled with my body, making me hot, making that fire burn. Ripping
off his shirt, I pull him as close as I can get him. His mouth is on my skin, teeth
biting my shoulder and neck. Those hard blue eyes come to my face and fixate on me,
taking everything in. His own private show while his fingers work into me. Dragging
them slowly back out, watching me.

“Right …
there
.” So close.

“Right there?” he growls. Slowing his movements, teasing me. I need more. Grabbing
his wrist, I try to urge him on, but he pulls back.

He stops all together. My legs still around him, he pulls his fingers out, and gone
is my impending orgasm. With a devilish smile, he licks his fingers clean, slowly
dragging each one over his tongue, sucking me off his fingers slowly. His eyes are
burning with trouble.

“You're filthy,” I tell him honestly.

“And you fuckin' love it.” He states firmly. I do, but I hate that I do.

Letting my hands trail up his arms to the back of his neck, I wind my hands into his
hair. It’s been so long since I’ve touched him like this. Tugging his head down to
me, I lick a path up his neck to his ear, biting and sucking my way up his soft skin.
Both of his hands rest on my thighs, leaning into me. I make my way up and I bite
down on his earlobe. He tries to pull away from me, but I lock my legs around him.
He’s not leaving now.

“Give it to me motherfucker.”

             
I’ve never wanted anything more than I want this right fucking now, and he knows it
too. He’s going to hold this against me tomorrow ‘cause tonight, I gave him the upper
hand. I need the connection again just for this small amount of time. I need to feel
something.  With a dirty smirk on his lips, he pushes my dress up over my hips. He's
enjoying himself. This is his game now.

“Please, Tank.” I beg with tears in my eyes. I can’t hold it in.

No need to ask him twice. He takes only a second to release himself and begins slamming
into me. I feel that shit everywhere and I bite down on his shoulder to keep my scream
in. I am full and sated, and I finally feel whole again. Body on body. It’s not right
that I asked this of him, but I had to. I needed it so goddamn bad. I needed him.

Fat Girl Pants

Tank

Everyday gets a little better. Everyday gets a little easier. Last night she let me
back in. I got an hour of that shit. I got an hour of what I used to have with her.
It wasn’t just sex, it wasn’t just fucking her on a kitchen counter. For the first
time in a long fucking time, she needed me. She wanted me. That gave me hope. Then
as soon as she let me in, she shut me out. But I was in for that few moments and that
shit, in my opinion, is progress. I just need to wear her down. Fuck it, I will wear
her down if it’s the last motherfucking thing I do.

I get to see her most days. I get to see her and my baby and that makes all this shit
a little bit easier on me. I get that time I so fucking desperately need. She’s letting
me come to a doctor’s appointment, she’s not ignoring me, and sometimes I can get
that smile that melts all the mean in me. That’s something to look forward to. That
is something to be fucking thankful for. She’s letting me back in. Slowly but surely,
we’ll get there. We fucking have to ‘cause I won’t live without her or our baby. That
shit isn’t even an option for me.

****

             
Pulling into my driveway, it’s raining hard. So damn hard I had to take my truck to
the club. Pulling up to my garage, my headlights shine on my front porch. What the
fuck?

Throwing the truck in park, I hop out into the rain like a fuckin’ lunatic. My stomach
drops to my feet and I almost break my goddamn neck trying to get out of my truck
and to her before she disappears, like a mirage.

“What the fucks wrong Lil?” She’s sitting on my porch, her back leaning against my
door and her knees pulled up to her chest. She offers me a weak smile as I make my
way toward her. All kinds of crazy shit starts flying around in my head.

“You alright?” Standing over her she looks up at me with those dark, heart breaking
eyes.

“I miss you.”

             
             
             
             
             
****

             
Lil’s sitting on the couch in my tee. Her hair’s a mess, curls everywhere. She’s got
a pair of my gray wool, heavy duty work socks on her feet, the ones with the red band
around the top. Damn things go to her knees. This is something I never thought I’d
ever fucking see again. Shit makes me so goddamn happy my chest is bursting with it.

“You need anything baby?” I ask her. Shoving the spoon full of ice cream into her
mouth she smiles around the spoon and shakes her head. I’ve missed this and if she
tries leaving, I’m fucking tying her ass up.

“I give up Tank.” She tells me quietly. Again my heart stops. Those words could go
either way.

“Give up what babe?” I ask her as calmly as possible. I try not to sound like the
miserable prick I’ve become. I try not to scare her with my fucking desperation. Scooping
a giant spoonful of ice cream up, she crams it into her mouth and shrugs one shoulder.

“Fightin’ it.”
“Lil, I ain’t followin’ you. Just say what you mean, without a mouthful of ice cream.”

In fact, she’s fuckin’ scaring me. If she moves that ass from my couch, I’m not above
holding her here against her will. I’ll barricade the fuck outta my front door to
keep her here.

“I’m done fightin’ you. I don’t have it in me anymore. I’m more miserable than I was
before I left. I just can’t do this shit anymore. I just hope you’ll keep getting
better and you’ll start letting me back in. I’ve never wanted you to hurt, and I’m
so sorry that I caused you the pain of watching that shit happen to me.”

I fall to my knees in front of her, looking at this beautiful woman who I tore down
so relentlessly. How could I have done all this to her?

“I’m done babe. Not gonna put that shit on you anymore. I’ve been working so hard
on getting myself through it, and don’t ever apologize to me for what happened to
you. I’m sorry for all my insecurities getting dumped onto you. I should have talked
to you, or anybody about it, I just didn’t see anyone fixin’ it for me. But I’m fixin’
it Lil. I swear to you, I’m here for you, and we will work through any shit that comes
at us.”

She doesn’t say anything. I wait for something, anything.

“I still love you.” She tells me a moment later. I feel a weight lifted. I feel like
I can fucking breath again ‘cause those are the words I needed to hear. Fuck I needed
them.

“I know you do.” Cocking that beautiful head to the side, she raises that damn eyebrow.
“You think so?”

“Yeah, I fuckin’ do.” I know she loves me because if she didn’t, then none of this
shit would have bothered her. She’s strong as fuck and the shit I threw at her wouldn’t
have mattered if she didn’t fucking love me. She would have walked away a long time
ago. My baby wouldn’t have cried over someone she didn’t love, and I wouldn’t have
been able to break her heart. I know she loves me because she wouldn’t have fought
for me, for us, if she didn’t. It’s all right there in those big, brown, heart breaking
eyes.

“Cocky fuckin’ asshole,” she scoffs and rolls her eyes at me.

“Goddamn right. Never gonna change, babe.”

             
             
             
             
             
****

             
We watch TV in silence. We started off at opposite ends of the couch, but I let that
shit go for about five minutes before I drug her across the couch to me. I can’t sit
here next to her. That shit doesn’t work for me. I needed to fucking touch her and
if it meant dragging her across the couch, then that’s exactly what I was doing. She
didn’t fight me, which is good because I was not in the mood to get into it with her.
I just want to lie here and hold her. Feel her, be close to her.

Throwing her arms above her head, she stretches and turns into me with her face pressed
into my chest and one of her legs go between mine, and that tiny ass bump is pressed
into my stomach.

“That thing get in the way?” I ask her. Out of nowhere she starts laughing. She laughs
so hard, she can barely fucking breathe. I love that sound. I let her laugh and enjoy
it while I get it too.

“Yes and no. I can’t sleep on my stomach anymore. Pants are starting to become an
issue.”

“You need new pants babe?”

“Yes. Big fat girl pants.” She grumbles into my chest. Even if she was nine months
pregnant, I doubt she’d need
fat girl
pants, whatever the fuck fat girl pants are.

“Doubt that baby. You’d be hot as fuck, even if you get huge.”

“I wanna hear you say that in nine months when I look like I ate a couple brothers.”

She wants to hear me say it in nine months? Even if she doesn’t realize it, those
few words give me enough hope to cling to. I’m that fucking desperate for her. I latch
on to any and every word of hope she’ll feed me. Meaning to or not, she fed me all
the hope I need.

             
“I should go,” Lil says a while later. It’s late and storming pretty bad. We’ve been
lying on this couch for hours and I’ll be damned if she thinks she’s goin’ somewhere.

“You’re stayin’ babe.” I tell her.

Lifting her head up off my chest, she cocks her head slowly. I know I’m about to get
a fight. Any other time I would have been down. We could fight, then make up, and
fuck. Now, I’m scared as hell that anything I say might have her running away from
me.

Scooting up and off of the couch, she stands up and I know she’s about to head for
the front door, and that needy panic starts to wash over me. Turning on her heels,
she heads for the hall instead. My heart stutters to a fucking stop. Looking over
her shoulder at me she smiles.

“You comin’ baby?”

             
             
             
             
             
****

             
Standing by the bathroom door I watch her crawl into my bed. Our bed. Throwing the
blankets over her head she wiggles down under all the sheets and blankets, getting
comfortable. In times like this, I have to believe there’s someone out there on my
side. Someone’s looking down at me and throwing good shit my way. I have needed this
for so long. I missed her so much that part of me wonders if this is too good to be
true. I’m scared to death that any minute she might be gone and I’ll be stuck feeling
like I’m dying all over again. I’m pretty fuckin’ sure me feeling this way is unhealthy.
It’s probably not a good idea to be so dependent of another person for your own happiness,
but here she is making me feel like I’m finally able to live and breathe again. I’m
finally able to be happy again.

Poking her head back up and out of the blankets, she smiles a soft, sad smile at me.

“This is all I ever wanted.” She says quietly with a touch of apprehension. I couldn’t
agree more.

“You here for good Lil?” I can’t let it rest. I need to know that she’s here permanently.
I know I’m jumping the goddamn gun here and she might feel pressured, but there is
no other way for me. This is how I do shit. There is no waiting for me. She was mine
before and she has to be mine again. I can’t live any other way.

She nods slowly and thoughtfully.

“Yes. But we still have shit to talk about and things that need worked out.”

And I’ve no doubt that we do. That girl is not going to let me back in that easily.
Just like everything else, she’s gonna make me work for it. And I will. I’ll work
every second of every goddamn day for the rest of my life for it. I’ll work for that
girl ‘til I have nothing left, or ‘till I’m dead and buried. I’ll do whatever I have
to.

“You gonna stand there all night and stare at me, or are you gonna get in here and
cuddle with me and your baby?” Cuddle with her and my baby. Never thought I’d hear
those words. But then again, I never thought I’d have Lil in my life. Never thought
I could love someone so much.

“Education Lil, I don’t cuddle.” I tell her seriously. She snorts a laugh and rolls
her eyes at me. She doesn’t believe a word I’m saying, with good reason.

“Okay you fuckin’ bad ass. Get in here and feel me up then.”

****

             
The club door kicks open. Lil walks that fine ass in wearing some cut off jean shorts
and a tight ass tee. I can see that hot little bump under her shirt; our baby. I love
the fuck out of that shit. We came in this morning together. She’s stayed with me
since she came over those few nights ago and I couldn’t be any fuckin’ happier about
it either. She left a while ago with Peaches to do whatever girls do. I’m still a
little fucking twitchy about being apart from her; A lingering fear that she won’t
come back, but I do my best to ignore it. At least I try to.

Walking in, she’s holding a shit ton of bags and boxes. Walking right up to me, she
dumps that shit on my lap before I get the chance to stand up. I hate watching her
carry that kind of shit. Isn’t that shit bad for her and the baby?

“What the fuck is all this shit?” I get a sweet smile and trouble in those eyes. Turning
on her heels, she marches that ass right back out the door without an answer. Alright
…

Picking up a bag, I open it up to find baby shit of every variety.

“Well that’s scary as fuck.” Rampage says looking a tad sick. It might be if I didn’t
love Lil so much. I just shrug and push some of the shit off me and onto Gin. Lil
comes back in and sets a few more things on the couch by Gin and me. Sticking his
hand inside the bag, Gin pulls out the words smallest baby outfit.

“He gonna be that fuckin’ small?” Gin asks looking up at Lil with the weirdest fuckin’
expression on his face.

She shrugs and says, “Sure as hell don’t feel like it since I feel huge already, but
babies are usually born between six and eight pounds. Sometimes more, sometimes less.”

Damn. I didn’t realize they were that small. So maybe this is scarier than I thought.
I like that we’re all calling the baby a ‘he’. I keep telling Lil I don’t think I
can handle a girl. I’ll love either one, but the idea of a little tiny Lil scares
the fuck out of me on so many levels.

****

             
Lil’s in my bed again tonight. We haven’t had that “talk” yet, but I have a feeling
it’s coming. She’s naked in my bed and that’s all that fucking matters. Looking at
her, it all kinda makes sense. It’s all about her. The quicker I would have realized
that shit, the better off I would’ve been. Something I’ve been learning since meeting
Lil is men don’t run shit. We’re gonna talk when she wants to. Yeah, I’m about to
get kicked the fuck out the man club, they’re gonna take my balls for this shit, but
it’s the motherfuckin’ truth. They run us. Women give birth to us. Women raise us.
It’s a woman you fuck, you marry, you have kids with. She’s not gonna do shit unless
she wants to, and any man who forces that shit on her is not a man. Yeah women, they
run this motherfucker. I’ve learned real quick it’s not me in charge anymore.