Crash & Burn (8 page)

“Hey Buck. How are you?”

“You’re sad babe.” He says completely ignoring my question.

“Nah, I’ll be good.”

“Let me know who I need to kill, alright,” he says and chuckles.

“Yeah, well, I think I want him alive as much as I’d like to kick him in the balls.
I’d rather not have to bury him. Kinda love the fuckin’ asshole.”

“Alright. I’ll hang back, but say the word n’ he’s a goner.”

             
Sammy makes her grand entrance as I walk towards the living room. Of course like everyone,
I stop and stare at her. Her long, silky light blonde hair sways and shines in the
light as she glides her way toward me. I swear she practices that walk. The beauty
queen even waves as she walks into the room. A tight white dress on and some Jackie
O shades on her head. All she needs is a yappy small dog in her arms. She seriously
kills me. Born and raised in the same life and we couldn’t be any more different,
but somehow, we work. She’s the sister I never had.

“Babe.” She says softly, pulling me to her. “What the fuckin’ hell is wrong with that
man?” She asks me. There’s that badassness.

“You’re wearin’ a virginal white dress with the mouth of a sailor. Very classy, Sam.”
She throws her head back and laughs.

             
“Fuck you. … Let’s get drunk and bitch about men.”

             
Sounds like the kinda party I need.

****

             
Sitting in the living room of the house, we drink and chat. The guys have all but
disappeared. As Buck had said, “Your annoyin’ ass woman yappin’ is scary. Imma be
in the garage. If ya need me, find me.”

They all cleared out as soon as we broke out the wine. I had a glass or two, but I’m
not in the mood to get drunk and wallow in my Tank pity. Alcohol only makes it worse.

“So you know everything?” I’m still a little surprised, and pissed off that the news
of me and Tank traveled all the way down here. Damn. It’s like a game of phone between
these clubs. News travels fast.

“Tags kept me up to date. I mean, he’s shit at givin’ detail, but I pieced it all
together.” Wait. Wait. I was not expecting to hear that name out if her mouth.

“Tags? You talk to Tags? Like, on the phone? Disciples Tags? My Tags?”

She shrugs and starts chugging her wine. Oh yeah, keep trying to keep that mouth busy.
Sooner or later you’ll run out of wine. She can’t drop that shit and not explain.

“Care to give details?”

“We’re friends.” Oh that’s not good enough.

“And? When did y’all become friends?” Not that I don’t find that amazing. Tags is
such a good guy. He deserves a good woman.

“Well, I mean we’ve known of each other for a while. I came up there to visit and
we talked. We started talkin’ the night of your welcome home barbeque. He stops through
sometimes, n’ we text n’ shit.”

This is all news to me. Tag’s talks on the phone and texts? Not sure why, but I find
that crazy and funny.

“Holy shit. He fuckin’ you too?” Well that got a blush out of her. The dirty little
skank-a-roo. “I want details.”

             
By this time, Sammy is smashed. I stopped drinking after two glasses ‘cause shit was
making me emotional. I do not need to be drunk dialing Tank. She’s spilling all kinds
of dirt though. Drunk Sam is fun Sam.

“It’s huge Lil. Like two handfuls, girth.” Not what I wanted to hear. I wanted light
details, not the gruesome ones.

“Imma stop ya right there. Details I do not need to hear.” She giggles and holds her
hands out dramatically.

“
Two
handfuls. You know how amazing that is?” Yeah I know. I had one of those back home.
Even during girl time, Tank invades my thoughts. Damn him.

             
Lying in my adopted bed for the night, everything feels wrong. I’m a few hundred miles
away from Tank, but he’s right here with me. He’s all I can think about. The good,
the bad, and the ugly are all there making me miss him. No matter what I do, he’s
there. Love fucking sucks.

Arsenic

Tank

             
“Knew I should have beat the fuck outta you when Low gave the order.” Gin paces back
and forth in the corner while cracking his knuckles, glaring at me. “You were in charge.
Low left this shit for you to handle and you said you got it. You were supposed to
keep shit on the outside goin’. I’ve been handlin’ as much shit as I can, but can’t
do it all.” He growls at me. Fuck him and his
order
. Fuck Low too.

“Lost us a deal, lost us a fuck ton of money. You let that little fucker get a piece
of the shipment ‘cause you were fucking slippin’
brother
. You’ve been too fucked up to see it. You cost us, but I decided to let it go ‘cause
with the shit you’ve been putting Lil through, didn’t wanna put more shit on her by
fuckin’ you up. But not now. No fuckin’ way now I am lettin’ that shit slide, not
after what you did to my
sister.
”

He’s right, I let that little fucker get away with stealing from us, but what the
fuck ever. I’ll get that piece of shit one way or another.

“Stand the fuck up,” Gin growls down at me. Blood is dripping from his mouth as he
stares me down with pure hatred. He’s brimming with contained rage as he waits for
me to get back up and throw fists.

Pushing off the couch, I get back up, wipe the blood from my mouth and face the asshole
head on. I can feel blood still pooling in my mouth and if that fucker knocked a tooth
out, I’m gonna kill him. I will rip his goddamn head off.

Spitting on the ground by his feet, I see nothing but blood on the ground, but not
teeth. Fuck it, I smile at him. Why not have a little fun? Low ordered this and I
might as well take it. I’m trying my fucking hardest not to fight back and let him
have this because this isn’t just for shits and giggles, this is a goddamn order,
but it took me truly fucking over Lil to get it from Gin. He held off, but there’s
no fucking way around it now. I gave Gin one to the mouth when he started to get a
little too personal for my taste. He wants to do this shit over his issues with me
and the club, fine. Lil is off fucking limits.

Shit isn’t in my DNA to take a hit and not hit back, but I know I’ve got this shit
comin’. I deserve it tenfold. Fuck, if Low was here, I’d probably be in a body bag
halfway to the morgue already. This is how we handle shit around here. There is no
chatting about our feelings. We communicate with our fists. Fuck it’s hard to hold
back when he’s beating the fuck out of my face though.

“Took her mom dying and Low needing her to get her the fuck back home, took ya ‘a
fuckin’ year to make her leave us.”

That one stung like a bitch as he puts his fist into my nose. Shaking my head, I try
to push the sting away. I stumble back a little, my eyes water instantly and I’m pretty
fucking sure the asshole broke my fucking nose because it swells instantly. I wipe
the blood away and face him again.

“Fuck you.”

“At the club? In the goddamn office that Lil works in? You fucked all this shit up
when she showed up and fuckin’ saw you asshole. Saw that dead bitch Trix laid up on
you, and now that whore’s blood is on you. You broke our girls heart n’ now imma break
your goddamn face.”

I took it from Happy and Gin. They both laid into me good while Stitch and Tiny watched
with happy as fuck smiles on their goddamn faces. Happy and Gin got a little of it
back, but I took that shit because I deserved it.

Cracking his knuckles, Rampage smirks at me from his silent post by the door. “My
turn, motherfucker.”

             
             
             
             
             
****

             
Lying on the bed at the club, every fucking thing about me hurts. My face is fucked
up. I’m pretty fucking sure Gin broke my nose, blacked my eye, and spread the bruises
around. He fucked up my right cheek too. Happy busted up my lip and left a nice fist
sized lump and bruise on my stomach. Oh but Rampage had the most fun. I think he broke
my jaw. The fucking asshole laid into me good. If Gin didn’t break my nose, Rampage
sure the fuck did. I think he broke a few ribs and if he didn’t break ‘em, he sure
the fuck cracked ‘em. I’m bruised from head to toe. Shit aches so goddamn bad, but
it’s my heart that hurts the worse.

I fucked shit up so bad I don’t think I could ever get Lil to come back from it. This
shit is so much worse than when I left her alone at my place. I broke something in
her that’ll never be fixed. And if it could be fixed, I wouldn’t have the slightest
idea where to start. I can’t even fix my goddamn self. I hate that this is where we
are and I hate that I caused all this damage and hurt. I should pack up my shit and
go nomad for a while, give everyone a fuckin’ break.

             
“Why’d you fuckin’ do it asshole?” Peaches screams at me, pointing wildly. “Haven’t
you fucked her over enough? Why’d you hurt her like this?”

“None of your fuckin’ business, bitch.” I snap at her. Cali is standing in my doorway,
watching quietly while Peaches is behind her making all kinds of noise, trying to
push her way in here. If she can make it, I’m gonna smack the fuck out of her.

“None of my business?” Peaches repeats slowly.

“You stupid? You fuckin’ heard me.”

Charging at the door, Peaches looks ready to kill me. Cali braces her arm on the other
side of the doorway to stop Peaches. I don’t know why I’m eggin’ her on. I shouldn’t
even bother. Jesus Christ, I don’t want to hear it from her. I already got it from
the guys, I don’t need her shit too.

“Fuck you! You’re fuckin’ disgusting. I can’t believe you fucked that nasty piece
of gash over Lil.”

Her words make my gut twist painfully. I fuck up so goddamn bad. Sadly I don’t even
know what I did or didn’t do last night. I was so goddamn fucked up I can’t remember
anything past seeing Lil’s key on my kitchen counter. That was it for me. I might
have fucked that stupid bitch; I might not have. God, I was so fucking high I’m not
even sure I could have gotten it up if I wanted to. I’m so fucking stupid. I should
have fought harder. I should have never let that shit go. Part of me wants to tell
Peaches I might not have fucked that gash, but what’s the point? They saw that bitch
naked on me and that shit didn’t look good. They’re not gonna believe me anyway. Fuck
it.

“I hate you!” She screams at me. Yeah bitch well I hate me enough for the both of
us.

             
             
             
             
             
****

             
“Here, asshole.” Cali says sitting down next to me on my bed a while later. No knock,
nothing. She just came right in, making herself comfortable as she leans against the
headboard, pushing me over. Rolling over to look at her she looks shocked and a little
squeamish when she sees my face.

“Oh fuck. Yeah, you’re really gonna need these.” Holding her hand out to me, she hands
me four white pills and a shot. I lift, or at least try to, an enquiring eye at her.

“It’s the good stuff honey,” she assures me. Fuck it. I throw the shit back and chase
it with the liquor.

“Why you here Cali?”

She shrugs her shoulders and looks like she’s thinking about it. “Not really sure
since I fuckin’ hate ya n’ the fact you ran our sister off, but I know Lil would hate
to see you like this n’ I love her, so here I am taking care of her man because he’s
too much of a fuckin’ mess to do it himself.” That one stung.

“Thanks.” I tell her sarcastically. I may be fucked up, but I didn’t miss her little
jabs. She’s not in here for me. This shits all for Lil. 

“Don’t thank me. If I had it my way, those would’ve been somethin’ to kill your ass.
Considerin’ Lil loves you n’ so do your brothers, I settled on two drugs instead,
but don’t get it twisted. You don’t fix this shit with Lil n’ get her ass back home
to us, it’ll be some Arsenic in your meatloaf next time.” She says and smiles sweetly
at me. No clue how Stitch puts up with her scary ass.

             
“Sorry I fucked shit up.” I give her my half-assed apology. No clue why I’m telling
her sorry. It wasn’t her heart I broke. Cali isn’t the woman I fucked over.

She shakes her head and says, “No, you’re not. If you were sorry, you wouldn’t have
kept doin’ it to her.” Alright then, whatever.

“Not gonna argue with you Cali.” Again she shakes her head.

“I know your fuckin’ not, but what you’re gonna do is pull it together n’ fix it.
It’s your job.”

“Yeah?” I challenge her, even though I’d rather grab up my bottle and drown my problems
instead of sit here and bullshit with Cali.

“Yeah Tank. You’re a fuckin’ man. You fix shit n’ hold it down, it’s your goddamn
job. That shit that happened with Lil was bad. She almost died on you, but she almost
died on us too.” I go to say something but she stops me with a hand in my face. “Shut
up. You’re gonna listen to me.” Damn this bitch is annoying.

“That shit that night was as bad as it gets, but it’s your job as Lil’s man to be
strong for her, not the other way around. She’s the one who went through being tortured,
beaten and shot, not you. Yet, she was taking care of you and making excuses for your
sorry ass ‘cause you cant’ let people help you. You ever stop to think with all the
shit from that night, the shit with her mom, and the shit with Low now, that she may
need your ass? Your Old Lady, your Lil may need someone to lean on? Maybe she needs
someone to be strong for her? She’s been through all this shit, and she’s the one
who’s been handlin’ your stupid ass. I hope you feel less than a man, because you
are. Everyone sees you this way now and you should feel ashamed that it was your woman
who should’ve had you to help her through it, not you havin’ your woman takin’ care
of you.” Well Fuck.

How many times have I tried to think of ways to move past this? I’m so goddamn selfish
I didn’t even think about it that way. She’s so fucking strong, I never thought she’d
need me. Again I go to say something, but she shuts me right up.

“You shut your fuckin’ mouth, square your shoulders n’ buck the fuck up for her when
she needs you. You’re gettin’ stressed ‘bout it or shit is botherin’ you, you bring
that shit to your brothers. You know they’ll help you. Don’t put that shit on her.
She’s lost so much already, almost lost her life, so can’t you stop your own fuckin’
pity party to see that? Don’t let your shit fuck her up any more than it already has.
She loves you. You love her. So what the fuck is the problem? You have to prepare
yourself for the fact that Lil will die someday.” I don’t wanna hear that kind of
shit.

“Don’t say that fucked up shit to me.”

“Shut up Tank.” She glares at me. I decide to shut up so she’ll hurry and get out
of my room. “Lil will die. It’s life. We all will, but sittin’ ‘round, constantly
thinkin’ about it ain’t livin’. Wasn’t your fault Josh was crazy. Not a goddamn one
of us saw that comin’. Shit happened, but you can’t live everyday worried she’ll die.
Life ain’t worth livin’ if you’re gonna live it like that. Love her n’ enjoy her while
you’ve got her Tank. If you hadn’t fucked it all up, you would’ve had your forever
with her. She loved you like that. You have to wanna do it for yourself, but please,
for Lil, you need to fix this. She deserves that much.” She deserves so much more
than that.

****

A few weeks later …

             
So I’ve pulled my fucking shit together, sort of.  I still drink because it helps
fill the void that was created when Lil left me, and I still have the fucking dreams.
I stay at the club ‘cause goin’ home without her isn’t an option. I don’t sleep at
night, don’t eat often … hell, I don’t do a whole hell of anything, but I have pulled
it together enough to keep this fuckin’g club going. I keep it together enough to
not completely fuck it all up with my brothers. I keep it together enough so that
if and when Lil decides to come back home to me, there will be something for her to
come home to. Everything that Cali said hit home. Out of all the shit she spewed at
me, I got it. I need to hold shit down. For me and Lil, I need to work this shit out
because I’ve decided I will not live without her.

“You ready?” I ask Blade, giving a chin lift towards the cracked and peeling front
door. No window, no peephole. This motherfucker has no idea we’re outside. Nodding
his head, he goes for the porch of the old run down house we’re at. Taking cautious
steps, he makes sure to keep his eyes on the door. We’ve got his back. It’s rainy
and wet outside, but the  heavy pounding of the rain helps to drown out any noise.

I hug the wall, letting the roof overhang keep me as dry as possible. Stitch cocks
his head towards me to the side, then he nods over, around the corner and holds up
his hand. He signals there are two guys on that side. Looking at Rampage he holds
up one finger. One guy on his side. Four of them, six of us. Blade does a quick sweep
of the porch and nods me forward. Kicking in the front door, I hold it open with my
foot and I nod for him to go in ahead of me.