Cowboy Gangster 03 - Outlaws of Love (10 page)

“Uncle Clint…” Cory said quietly. “If this guy is as smart you believe him to be…do you think leaving Axel is going to fool him into believing you don’t care about him anymore? If he’s been watching you…then surely he’s seen you with Axel. I mean, shit, you gave him your
buckle.
Anyone who knows anything about ‘the cowboy’ would understand the significance in that. I assume Axel’s in possession of it, anyway, since you’re not wearing it and you never take it off. And…” Cory’s gaze came to rest on Clint’s waist. “…You clearly didn’t take it back when you left.”

Cory was right about that much. He’d given Axel his buckle to keep him safe on the streets. But had he inadvertently put him in more danger by handing over the belt? That was one thing he couldn’t take back, though. Maybe Axel didn’t realize it yet, but in time he would see that the fact that Clint left the buckle with him…was a testament that he still cared. And though Clint insisted he needed to forget Axel, move on and assimilate back into his own world –the thought of Axel believing he didn’t care for him at all anymore…it tore at Clint’s heart.

“Maybe the fact that he stops wearing it will be enough,” Clint mumbled. Why did the thought of Axel putting the belt away and not wearing it hurt so fucking bad? Would that be his own testament that he wanted to forget Clint?

He needs to forget you. He needs to make a normal life for himself. A life without dangers and threats at every turn.

“Why do you think he would stop wearing it?”

“Why wouldn’t he?” Clint asked with a strain in his throat. “I left him. Why would he even want it?”

Cory sighed. “I don’t know, maybe because he
loves
you? And the buckle reminds him of you.”

“Then he needs to fucking
stop,
” Clint snapped suddenly, his breath quickening.

“Stop what?
Loving
you?”

Clint trembled and raked his hair. He turned away from Cory. “He never said he…”
He said it while falling asleep in your arms.
Clint squeezed his eyes shut and tried to force the memory from his head.

“He said it when you gave him the pup,” Cory murmured.

“What?” Clint faced him, his brow tight. “No, he didn’t.”

“He
did
, Uncle Clint,” Cory said softly. “When he hugged you and thanked you. There are a lot of ways to say
I love you
.”

Clint shook his head, his throat knotting and brown pinching harder. “I don’t want him to…feel that way about me.”

“Lying does not become you, Uncle Clint,” Cory told him.

“I’m not…” he started stiffly, but the young man just looked at him and he knew it was futile to try and fool Cory. He cleared his throat and shifted his eyes away. “What good does it do him?”

Cory smiled as the pain in his eyes deepened. “What good did it do me to love Shay?” he whispered thickly. “He was
straight.
But I loved him anyway, and it felt good to love him. We don’t fall in love based on what’s ‘good for us’. We don’t get to choose who steals our heart.” His voice trembled with emotion. “I’ll never get the chance to know what might have ultimately developed between me and Shay. But you…” Cory choked quietly. “You still have Axel here in this life. You still have the chance to know ‘what could have been’.
I
don’t, Uncle Clint.” Tears brimmed his eyes. “And I’m telling you, once it’s gone –it’s fucking
gone.
And it hurts like
fucking hell
. Don’t wait till it’s too late to realize you should have never let him go.”

The boy’s words punched the air from Clint’s lungs. Cory’s pain and loss radiated in his eyes, etched his face. “Cory…” Clint cleared his throat but the lump refused to dislodge. “Maybe you’re too young to really understand-”

“Don’t,” Cory stopped him with a clipped tone. “Do not play that fucking card with me, Uncle Clint. I’m not some innocent kid fresh out of high school. I fucking understand
life
and…and love.” His throat worked and tears thickened. “The man I loved was shot and killed
right beside me
. His…his
blood
was on my face…my hands…” His chin trembled and his face began to streak with tears. “Don’t tell me I’m too young to understand the ways of life –or the world we live in. I understand plenty. And because of how quickly they can be taken from us –is
more
reason to hold on tighter, love them harder. Not…not fucking
walk away.
”

Clint moved to the window, his back to Cory. He squeezed the back of his neck, struggling to tame the sting in his eyes, the pressure building in his chest.

“I’m sorry, Uncle Clint,” Cory whispered unsteadily. “I know you think you did what you had to do, and I know it’s hurting you, too. It’s just…there was something special between you and Axel. You were good for him…and he was good for you, too. You shouldn’t feel guilty for wanting something for yourself. We all need that.”

Clint sniffed and cleared his throat, blinking back the burn in his eyes. He released a controlled breath. “We have more important things to discuss right now,” he murmured. He cleared his throat again and shoved his hand through his hair, then turned and looked at Cory. “I need you to focus, and tell me what else you remember about the shooter.”

For a moment, it seemed Cory would persist, but he relented and nodded. “Okay,” he murmured. “But this isn’t over.”

Clint stared at him, his heart slowly crushing in on itself. “Yes, Corrigan –it is.” He looked to the window again. “Now tell me what else you remember.”

“I will,” Cory whispered. “After I call Axel.”

“What?” Clint turned quick. “Call him…why?”

“To make damn sure someone is with him,” Cory said tightly. “If he’s in danger, I want to damn well know he isn’t alone.”

“I told you, Gabriel sent Axel’s stepbrother, Angel, and his boyfriend, Dane, to his apartment. He isn’t alone.”

Cory shook his head. “Well, I need to hear it from Axel myself, that there are others with him. And anyway, he’s expecting me back today or tomorrow. I need to let him know I’m not going to be back right away.”

“And tell him what?” Clint asked. “How are you going to explain your injuries when you do get back?”

“I’ll tell him I was in an accident,” Cory said. “He’ll only see the bandages, not the wound itself.”

Clint’s stomach twisted and he stared blankly at the floor.

“You don’t want me to call,” Cory murmured. “Why? Because you don’t want to know how torn up Axle is?”

“Do whatever you want,” Clint whispered. He walked to the door. “I’ll come back when you’re done.”

“Why don’t you stay?”

Stay.
How could such a small insignificant word possess such power? “For what purpose?”

“Because I think you should.”

“Cory…it’s over. You need to let it go, too.”

“I can’t do that, Uncle Clint,” he said quietly. “You and Axel are both important to me. How can I just sit back and let you throw away something so amazing?”

Clint released a hard breath and turned around. “It isn’t for you to decide. You’re Axel’s friend, if he needs comforting then comfort him. But my decisions are
my
decisions. You have a good heart, Corrigan. But sometimes the heart can get in the way of rational thought, rational decisions. And sometimes…” he added thickly. “…We have to go with what we
know
–rather than what we feel.”

Cory gazed at him. “A man who doesn’t follow his heart…is just an aimless wanderer.”

♦

“I better get back before Cole thinks I defected and decided to form a threesome with you two,” Gabe grinned and cupped Angel’s face, kissing him between the eyes.

Dane snorted. “Like he’d care. He would just want to join in, too.”

“Mm,” Gabe growled and wiggled his eyebrows. “Maybe we should set up a
play date
.”

Angel rolled his eyes and laughed. “Get out of here, you nympho.”

Chuckling, Gabe walked to the door. “Was that meant as an insult?” He winked. “’Cause I’m not feeling the insult.”

Axel stood at the edge of the kitchen and watched them. He caught every little touch that passed between Angel and Dane, every look and smile a promise to one another that their love was strong –and everlasting.

The same way Clint looked at you last night –just before he ran out.
His goodbye kiss, his assurance that he would be home soon –
Wait for me?
–it had all felt so real, so…
everlasting.
His gaze lingered on Angel’s face, lit up by a smile, eyes glowing with love and affection for Gabe as well as Dane. Axel strained to see the difference. The difference in what emanated from Angel and Dane’s eyes…and what had reflected back to him in Clint’s eyes. Had he been fooled because he’d never seen love in another’s eyes before? If he’d witnessed the love between Angel and Dane first…would he have been able to note the difference in Clint and avoided getting drawn into a lie?

I don’t lie, for any reason. I will always tell a man the truth of his fate, even in the worst of circumstances. And I’m telling you now…I will never hurt you.

Axel lowered his eyes as they began to burn and sting. “But you did,” he whispered too low for the others to hear.
You did today.
It hadn’t taken him weeks or months to break that promise…but a few short days.

He turned and walked into the kitchen, his stare catching on the refrigerator.
You should have let him leave. You shouldn’t have asked him to stay. You knew it was a mistake.
Axel sucked in a shaky breath. Had
anything
the cowboy told him been the truth? He had been so insistent on giving and receiving the truth. But maybe that in itself was a lie.

“Axel?”

Axel jumped when Angel touched his arm.

“Sorry,” Angel smiled. “Didn’t mean to sneak up on you.”

“No, it’s…” Axel waved his hand absently and pulled his stare from the fridge. He heard the front door close and a moment later, Dane entered the kitchen as well.

“How about I fix us some lunch?” Dane went to the refrigerator and gathered some of the lunch items he’d bought yesterday when grabbing stuff for dinner. He placed them on the counter. “I was thinking…” He took down a plate and began slicing a tomato. “Why don’t you come bunk with us for a few days?” He glanced at Axel. “My place is roomy. And I have a big screen TV.” He smiled. “We can veg out and watch movies till our brains melt into puddles of goo.”

Angel laughed softly. “That’s some lovely imagery.” He looked at Axel. “But yeah, that would be great. Just…get away from the apartment for a while.”

It was evident in Angel’s eyes and his tone that he understood how hard it was for Axel to be here right now, with Clint’s memory so strong. But what about Jimmy? He would be back any time. And Axel needed him. He didn’t know why, but there was something about Jimmy that comforted him on a level that no one else did.
No one but Clint.

“I’ll think about it,” he said quietly, not wishing to quell Angel’s eagerness for him to say yes. Seeing Angel this way provided warmth to his chilled heart. All their years together, he’d never witnessed this side of Angel, and it was a beautiful thing to see him so happy and lighthearted, and just…enjoying life. Surrounded by a family who loved and cherished him. A family he was openly inviting Axel to be a part of as well.

“Fair enough,” Dane smiled and nodded, and went about fixing them each a multi-layered sandwich.

They took their lunch into the living room and put on a movie. Axel did his best to eat his sandwich, but his stomach rebelled after just a few small bites.

“Don’t like it?” Dane asked.

“No, it’s just…” Axel sighed and set the small plate on the coffee table. He rubbed his eyes. “My…stomach hurts. I don’t feel so good.”

Angel and Dane exchanged glances. Of course they knew why he didn’t feel well. “I understand,” Dane murmured. “You don’t have to eat it.”

“I think…” Axel stood up slowly. “I think I’ll go lay down for a while.”

“Of course,” Dane nodded, soft sympathy in his dark eyes. “You should try to get some rest.”

Rest. Axel couldn’t imagine ever truly
resting
again. And once alone in his room again, he stood at the door and stared at the bed. Could he even sleep in it again? His stare drifted to the nightstand and the skull buckle, wrapped up in the leather belt. A lump knotted his throat and he moved slowly across the room and picked up the buckle. Why would Clint leave it behind? Had he just forgotten to take it? Axel had seen in his eyes how important it was to him.

Maybe it wasn’t so important after all. You thought you were important to him as well. You weren’t.

Axel crawled onto the bed and laid the buckle on Clint’s pillow as his head sank down on his own.
It isn’t Clint’s pillow anymore. Isn’t ‘his side’ of the bed.
His eyes filled, spilling tears onto his pillow as he slowly traced the contours of the buckle with his fingertip. “You were my hero,” he whispered and broke with a rush of sobs, hugging the pillow and buckle against his body, clutching in desperation. “Why did you leave me?”