Covenant (5 page)

“
I told you to leave this
alone.” He reaches out to touch my shoulder, and I know he wants to
lead me from here—that he’s worried—but it doesn’t matter because
all the things he does to try to hide the truth won’t change what
Elizabeth knows and what I feel. There’s nothing that will change
that. Period.

“
As if that is possible,
Evan,” I snap, feeling myself spinning out of control—as if I were
ever in control, really. I start to argue with him further, but he
shakes his head to cut off any future arguments. I know why. While
it’s not difficult to maintain control of the blending in most
situations, when there are emotions at work, it’s much more
difficult. So it probably isn’t a good idea to start this here
unless I want to startle three humans in the medical profession
into believing in the divine.

Not so bad, really, but I
rather think God would prefer to be the one calling the miracles,
all things considered. So I don’t really fight Evan when he tries
to grab my arm and suggests, “Let us leave this place.”

There’s lots of ways I could
interpret “this place,” but I know what he means. The Lower Realm.
I’m not so ready for that, so instead of completely following his
cues, I go outside with him and stay grounded while he starts into
flight. I’m not foolish enough to think he’ll go far without
looking back. While Evan is an angel, he’s also a very stubborn
angel.

All in all, I’m only sitting
on the bench outside the hospital about five minutes before I see
the glow of his entity approach, his wings cutting through the
midnight sky with grace and fluidity as he comes to rest next to
the bench.

“
What are you
doing?”

“
Waiting for answers.” I
stare at the hospital instead of him, wondering what will happen
when Elizabeth wakes.

“
This isn’t the place for
them, Lev. You know that. Let’s talk about it elsewhere.” His gaze
turns towards heavens filled with slowly moving clouds like dark
velvet rubbed the wrong way.

“
Isn’t it?” I say,
standing. “It appears that much of my existence is tied with a
human girl. When I first found Elizabeth Moon, I thought her body
was sending off the call for a sojourner, and I almost answered it.
At first, I was confused, considering how long I have been ferrying
souls, but then, tonight, I understand why they are so similar.
Elizabeth isn’t dying, but that doesn’t mean part of her doesn’t
want to die. So whatever it is that has affected me also affects
her. Still saying I won’t find answers down here?” I shifting my
weight, I try not to let the chaos get the best of me.

“
It doesn’t matter what you
want, Lev. The answers won’t help you. They might, in fact, hurt
worse than you can imagine, if you want the truth.” He peers toward
the hospital, and I know he’s looking at the windows, his gaze
choosing the one he expects Elizabeth to be in and a frown tugs at
his lips, making him look more stern than usual.

“
Why can’t you just tell
me?” I snap. “What is going on?”

A soft sigh passes from him.
“If I knew it would help, I would tell you, Lev. I’ve always tried
to be the best model I can, and I know what the truth will do to
you.”

Although I try to meet his
gaze, he looks away, yet another part of Evan’s code. He’s all
about doing the right thing, regardless. Frustrated, I clench my
fingers into a fist. “What if you’re wrong, and the secret is worse
than the truth?”

Evan nods toward the sky.
“We should get back. You’re not really fully recovered,
Lev.”

It takes everything I have
not to say, “Yeah, but I was never really injured, now was I?” I
look up at the dark sky, and while I know that it used to bring me
comfort, I don’t feel that anymore. The closest I come to quieting
the chaos inside is when I am near Elizabeth.

“
Lev?” Evan frowns at me.
“Let’s go.”

“
I’d rather stay here for a
while.” At first, I wonder if he will try to force the issue and
escort me back to the Upper Realm, but instead he just nods. Even
though he’s not arguing about what is best for me, I can feel the
chaos swirling within him as well. “I know you don’t agree with my
choices, Lev. I can’t make you understand, and even if you knew the
truth, it wouldn’t help. You have to trust me on that.”

I want to trust him, I
think, shoving my hands deep into my pockets as I watch an
ambulance pull up. Two EMTs quickly get out and unload a gurney
they rush inside. Even from here I sense when death has come
unannounced. Evan, too, senses as much. I can feel that he is torn
between dealing with me and going onto his duties.

“
You should take care of
that,” I say, nodding toward the body now disappearing through the
glass doors of the ER. “We can talk about this later.”

One more glance back at me
before he finally nods. “Perhaps you’re right. No matter how bad
the timing, there’re things which must be taken care of, and I’m
the sojourner being called.”

He starts toward the
ambulance before turning back one last time. “Take care with
Elizabeth. She walks a thin line between this realm and ours, and
she still feels wounds you must not reopen…for both your
sakes.”

Another warning. It would
appear Evan is full of them. If only he would just give answers
away that easily. I know he wants me to promise him I won’t cause
problems for Elizabeth, but I learned a long time ago not to give a
vow that I don’t know if I can keep, so I purse my lips and wait
for him to tend to the dying.

His eyes narrow slightly.
He’s trying to understand the chaos within me, but there is no
understanding it. He has all the answers, and he still doesn’t get
it. If he can’t understand that, how does he expect me to be okay
with it?

Then he turns from me and is
gone, leaving me to sit beneath a sky that seems to go on forever.
It’s only an illusion, but it’s a beautiful illusion sometimes, and
the clouds are the perfect hiding place when the Lower Realm seems
to spin out of control from all the human messes there are never
enough angels to clean up.

So what was Elizabeth’s
mess?
I wonder, slowly turning back toward
the window.
And what was my role in all of
it?
It only takes a moment of focusing in
on her until I know from the outside which room she occupies. If
only all the other mysteries were so quickly resolved.

“
Lev? What are you doing
here?”

At first, I think Evan has
returned, but in turning, there is another angel standing there. We
are of similar build, but the darkness in his hair and eyes do not
match mine, and even though he seems to know me, I can’t say the
same thing. Is that another of Evan’s ways of taking care of
business?

I should think of something
to say, something to conceal the fact that my memory has seen
better days, but nothing comes to mind, no matter how badly I want
it to. He frowns and does a double-take, surprised.

“
You seem strange. Are you
all right?” He tilts his head to the side, trying to figure out
what exactly is wrong with me.

“
I’m fine,” I
say.

“
But you don’t remember me,
do you?” He cocks an eyebrow in a way that strikes me as more of a
challenge than a question.

I shrug. “No, I guess I
can’t say that I do.”

He nods. “Okay. I’m Kane.”
He offers his hand to me, and we shake. Yeah, it’s strange custom
that usually goes with being human, but we are standing in the
Lower Realm, and it’s all part of fitting in, I guess. Never mind
that no one can see either of us. It’s just a habit. Then I step
back, disconcerted by the fact that the closer I stand to him, the
worse the chaos seems to be inside me.

The chaos seems to eat away
at me from the inside and weaken me. It tears at me, and I want to
rid my existence of it but I can’t.

“
What are you doing
here?”

I nod my head toward the ER.
“Evan is on a sojourn. I came with him.” It’s a safe answer, and
safe is exactly what I’m looking for until my memory
returns.

“
Don’t tell me you’ve
forgotten how to do that as well.” He’s not smiling, but it seems
like he wants to, and that makes me all the more
uncomfortable.

“
No, I do remember that.
Why are you here?”

He sits on the bench and
drapes an arm across the back. “I spend a lot of time down here. It
would appears I live in a really great neighborhood for sojourning.
Never mind it’s really bad for humans.” He shakes his head in
disgust. “Then again, what can you do about the choices they
make?”

Again, I feel like there is
something hanging in the balance between us. It’s not his words,
exactly, but something about the way he stares at me with narrowed,
expectant eyes.

He abruptly sits up, and a
frown crosses his features. “Speaking of sojourning, looks like I’m
up. Gang shoot-out—you know how well those go. Humans never learn.”
He makes a big show of standing.

He turns. “See you around.
Good luck getting your memory back.”

I wait until he’s gone
before I turn my attention back to Elizabeth’s window. Then I close
my eyes and mentally travel back to her room to check on her one
last time. Part of me wonders if I should have left her alone, but
I know whatever haunts her, I’m probably going to make things
worse.

She’s lying on her back, the
hand with the newly replaced IV draped across her stomach. The
covers are pulled halfway down, and even in the darkness, I can see
the REM movement of her eyes beneath the lids. It doesn’t take much
for me to know she’s dreaming about me. Whatever I have done to
her, I can’t undo it.

I watch her for a few
minutes, comforted that even though she dreams, she isn’t calling
out. It’s a small consolation, but I’ll take it. Not that I should
care. She is a human, after all. But part of me, a big part,
doesn’t really care about that. It agonizes over Elizabeth’s
suffering, and I have no doubt that when my memory finally does
return, that part which seems so enamored of Elizabeth will
definitely be at war with the part of me that has no feelings for
humans in the slightest. Not sure what the outcome of that will be.
All I can do is hope for the best.

Satisfied, I open my eyes
and turn my gaze heavenward, knowing there isn’t anything else I
can accomplish tonight.

Chapter
Five

For the next week in human
time, I wander between the Upper and Lower Realms, trying to find
my place. I knew it at one time, but now I am adrift, torn between
a past I can’t remember and a future that seems to make no
difference.

It would appear I am unable
to complete the tasks of a sojourner, and without that, my identity
seems completely undone. The only place I feel any sense of purpose
is with Elizabeth, and that isn’t wise, at least according to
Evan.

I stand at the edge of the
ocean, looking at the clouds reflected in the smooth surface,
mesmerized by the darkness that consumes the sky. Below, the world
rotates at its own speed, and while I feel the celestial pull, I
fold my arms across my chest as though that will anchor me in the
moment so I might forget the gaping holes in my past and accept the
future will work itself out. It has to.

“
So how does it feel,
Lev?”

I turn to find a woman
standing there, the light flowing through golden hair that hangs
past her shoulders and flutters in the soft breeze. Although she
has a smile on her face, her eyes are cold, and I can tell that
while she may know me, our relationship is far from positive. Not
that I can tell what, exactly, that relationship is.

“
Do I know you?” I finally
ask, unsure what else I could say.

She steps nearer, and
venture from the water’s edge to meet her. She laughs, but it is
hollow with venom. “You really don’t remember, do you?” Shaking her
head, she takes my hand. At first, I want to jerk it away, but I
can’t seem to move. I think it has something to do with the hard
expression on her face.

“
What should I remember?” I
ask. “It’s clear you know something I don’t.” I step back, and I
pull my hand free.

“
How could you forget me,
Lev? You made me who I am.” She keeps staring at me with those hard
eyes, waiting for something, though what I’m not sure, and when I
can’t stand the weight anymore, I look down.

“
I don’t remember you.” I
run my fingers through my hair, trying to focus.

“
Of course you don’t,” she
says, a forced pleasantness in her tone. “You see, I was never one
of the important things on your list. And you never really cared
about much.” Her face is pale, and the breeze casts strands of her
hair across her eyes, yet her hands remain at her sides, fingers
curled into fists.

“
What is that supposed to
mean?”

“
That you should be damned
with all the rest of the Fallen.”

Tears flow down her face,
and as I peer into that blue brilliance, I feel that chaos rise
again, and this time there is no wall between me and the emotions I
can’t get rid of. I feel the tremors within me. I try to remember,
but no traces of the past surface to help.