Conflicted (20 page)

It looked as if I’d slapped him as the hurt crossed his face. “I was just trying to be what you needed. You need stability, Joss. I can give you that,” he pleaded.

Over the past couple of weeks, I’d truly enjoyed spending time with Zach. He was easy to be around and made me feel special, but it wasn’t enough. I thought back to all those years ago when I first met Derek. He was just this dirt bag kid from the wrong side of town who Blake went to school with, but he was so much more than that now. He had such a low sense of self that he’d never felt worthy of being loved. Deep down, I knew that he cared about me, but for him to actually come out and say that he loved me had to be one of the hardest things he’d ever done. I knew that, even though a part of him loved Kennedy, it was a different kind of love. At the time, it had probably been just teenage lust that he’d confused for love.

Blake walked over and pulled me into a brotherly hug. “You okay, kid?”

Shaking my head, I let the tears I was holding in fall. As much as Blake was overbearing, overprotective, and a bit of a megalomaniac, he always had my best interests at heart. Growing up with a rock star for a brother had its advantages and disadvantages. I think having all those girls toss themselves at him night after night made him even more protective. He rubbed my back soothingly as Jake pulled Zach to the other side of the club and out of my sight. I felt weak and numb. I was confused and conflicted. I had two guys whom I cared about who cared about me, but I couldn’t have both.

“I don’t know what to do,” I sobbed.

“Shhh,” Blake hushed. “What does your heart tell you, Joss? Don’t lie to yourself either.”

I let my heart open and I shut my brain off. The logical choice was Zach; he was safe, but Derek was the one who turned my entire world. “I’m so confused. What if I pick wrong?”

“It’s a choice you have to be willing to take and handle the consequences regardless. No regrets,” he said, his expression serious. “I will tell you something though. I’ve known Derek a long ass time, over ten years, and in that time I’ve never heard him come out and say that he loves someone. Sure he loves me and I love him, but it’s guy code not to talk about shit like that. I’m not trying to sway you either way. I think Zach is suitable for you, but he’s safe and I don’t want you to pick him for just that reason. Take some time to think about it.” He pulled back and kissed the top of my head, looking at me.

“I love you, Blake. Thank you for being my brother, even if you do make me crazy,” I teased, using the back of my hands to wipe the mascara off my face.

“I’ve loved you since the moment I saw you in the hospital. You were this little cherub faced blonde angel. I’m always here for you. Do you want to go home?”

My party had turned into a disaster and I was ready to go. So much for twenty-one being the best birthday party ever. Besides, I was pretty sure that eighteen
would forever take the cake…

I went over to where Jake was standing and hugged him goodbye, telling him I’d see him in the morning. Climbing into the backseat of Blake’s Hummer, I leaned my head against the cool glass and thought about Derek. Would he be capable of having a relationship? Honestly, I was worried about ending up like Britt, caught in a hit and run.

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

STRAIGHTEN UP

KEVIN

Standing in the suite of the Ritz Carlton, I was surrounded by my best friends. It was my finally my wedding day. Bryn had been driving me crazy with all the planning for the past six months and I was glad to see it come to an end. Our family and friends had all flown in for the occasion and I was looking forward to the future. Jake looked dapper in his black tux. Derek was sitting on the couch, repeatedly running his hands through his hair. I wanted to tell him that he was going to go bald if he kept it up, but a late night phone call warned me against saying anything. Blake was already downstairs helping to make sure that all the last minute things were in place.

Combing my dirty blonde hair off to the side one last time, I took a deep breath and looked in the mirror. I really wanted a drink, but drinking turned me into a person I didn’t like, so I avoided it.

“How many of these places do you think we’ve trashed over the years?” Jake asked with a grin, looking around the room.

“Too many to count,” I laughed. “I think that’s one of the reasons the label hates us so much. They had to add two extra shows to that one tour just to cover damages.” I cringed.

“Oh, you mean Iowa City?” Jake laughed. “Derek, do you remember that?”

Derek’s head snapped up. “Dude, I only remember bits and pieces. I think I’ve tried to repress most of that shit. A hypnotist would have a field day with me,” he groaned. “All I remember was waking up with a mouthful of feathers and a penis drawn on my face.”

Jake doubled over in laughter. “Holy fuck, I forgot about that. I’m pretty sure I have pictures of that somewhere. I think that was the same night that Kev super glued Blake’s legs together.”

“It was,” I said, rolling my eyes. I didn’t like rehashing the
good old days like the rest of them. I liked to keep them buried in the past where they belonged.

A knock at the door brought the reminiscing to an end. Striding over to the door, I opened it
and my mouth dropped open.

DEREK

I was exhausted, both physically and mentally. I was doing my best to put on a brave face for one of my best friends on what was supposed to be a happy day. The three of us made our way down to where the ceremony would be held. My heart stopped when I saw Joss standing off to the side, talking to Zach in a knee length crimson dress. She took my breath away. I wanted to stop and at least say hi, but I would wait until the reception so I didn’t lose my cool and ruin Kevin’s big day.

The four of us lined up by the altar and watched as the room continued to fill with family and friends. Kennedy and Skylar were sitting a few rows back. She met my gaze and I gave her a tight smile. Things were still very tense and awkward between us, but she did hand me the divorce papers this morning, which meant it was one less thing on my shoulders.

Once most of the seats were filled, the music started playing. Aubrey, Piper, and Bryn’s sister, Nicole, and her best friend, Nan, made their way down the aisle before the song switched to the wedding march. Bryn stood in the doorway with her dad on her arm. She looked beautiful in her form fitting white dress.

Kevin got lucky landing Bryn. They’d met at a coffee shop a block away from our old apartment when she was starting med school and they’d been together ever since.
She’s the one who’d turned him vegan and calmed his ass the fuck down. Surprisingly, he’d been the worst out of all of us. His parents were a couple of hippies who believed in freedom and independence; therefore, he didn’t have rules growing up. Don’t get me wrong; he was always a good-natured person and would never hurt anyone, but he was wild!

The officiant stood in the center of the altar as they made the slow walk down the aisle. I’d never given marriage much thought, which was funny considering I’d been married. I wondered if I
would ever do it again…

“We’re gathered here today to join Kevin Marcus Johnson to Bryn Marie Mills in holy matrimony. Marriage is the beginning of a new life for the two of you. You’re planting a seed. It needs to be watered and nurtured in order to grow.”

I looked at Joss, who was obviously having a heated discussion with Kennedy about something. Rolling my eyes, I brought my attention back to Kevin.

“…if anyone has any reason these two should not proceed, speak now.”

Joss stood up, yanking Kennedy with her. Fucking-A, what was she doing? “She does,” Joss said, pointing at Kennedy.

I had no idea what the fuck was going on, but Kevin looked like he’d seen a ghost. He’d been a little off since Kennedy’s visit earlier, but I attributed it to
wedding day jitters. Bryn looked furious that there was a commotion going on. I could have sworn she sprouted a pair of horns.

“What the hell is going on here?” Bryn shouted.

“We need a minute. Everyone stay where you are. We’ll be right back.” Kevin motioned for us to come with him and pushed his way through the side door, out onto a small patio space. Joss burst through the door a minute later and walked right into my arms, shocking the shit out of me. Wrapping my arms tightly around her, still confused about what was going on, I rested my chin lightly on the top of her head. Kevin looked distraught as he paced back and forth looking between Bryn and me.

“Will someone please tell me what the hell is going on before my head explodes?” I grumbled.

“Skylar isn’t yours,” Joss said, looking up at me. “I knew it the second I saw him, so I pressed Kennedy. She finally admitted that she and Kevin had a thing going on behind your back and that was part of the reason she took off to begin with. Then when you showed up, she was on the verge of being evicted and she thought you’d never question it. You were going to be her payday,” she spat out.

My head was spinning with all this information; it all started to make sense. Sure, the time frame fit, but he didn’t
really look like me. Maybe a little, but all the guys in the band looked similar. People had mistaken Jake and Blake for brothers for years.

Suddenly, rage took over. I couldn’t believe someone I’d trusted and loved like a brother had betrayed me like that.

“Please tell me this is a joke?” Blake asked. “Kev, you didn’t really do that, did you?”

He nodded. “I was young and stupid. Not that it’s an excuse. When she told me she was pregnant, I helped her run away. I wanted it to all go away. She swore it wasn’t mine and that she needed to go somewhere and start over. I gave her
the money and she left. I didn’t know where she went and honestly, I was so high all the time, I wouldn’t have remembered even if I did.”

Bryn looked thoroughly disgusted. “You slept with your best friend’s girlfriend?”

“Wife,” Joss clarified. “They were married at the time. They still are.”

“This is too much to take on right now. You need to
go in there and tell everyone to leave,” Bryn demanded of Kevin.

Opening the door, he went and did just that. Tugging on my hand, Joss pulled me across the courtyard to another set of doors.

“You got what you needed from her. There’s no reason for you to have to relive what went on between them.”

“Where’s Zach?” I asked.

“He left. It’s over between us.” She looked at me with her baby blues. “I spent all night last night thinking and running different scenarios through my head… all of them led back to you. I agree with you that we’re a match made in Hell, but if I’m going there, you better be next to me.”

A single tear rolled down her cheek and I caught it with my fingertip.

“Does this mean what I think it means?”

“I want
an
us,
” she replied. “Please don’t break me.”

“Never.” The thought of another minute without her was enough to solidify everything.
It felt like the scene from
How the Grinch Stole Christmas
when his heart starts growing and beating again.

Reaching into the top of her dress, she pulled out a room key. “I may have swiped this from Kevin earlier,” she grinned.

She didn’t need to tell me twice. I picked her up bridal style and looked for the nearest set of elevators, but the staircase was closer. Sprinting up the stairs, I felt like I was running a marathon. I made the three flights in no time and made my way to suite at the end of the hallway without breaking my stride. Joss stuck the key into the slot and pushed the handle down.

Placing her down on the edge of the bed, I looked at her, the girl I loved.

“I don’t want to rush things, but I’m dying to be inside you,” I said feeling breathless from just her smile.

“We talk best with our bodies. Come show me,” she purred, scooting up further onto the bed.

Sliding out of my jacket, I tossed it across the room. Joss helped me get the cufflinks out of the shirt and that was the next thing to hit the floor. Grabbing the hem of her dress, I lifted it to reveal a matching red lace bra and panty set that looked incredible on her tanned skin. Her body was pure perfection. She was fit and toned with soft curves in all the right places. I could worship her for hours, but that would have to wait until later. Ridding myself of the rest of my clothes, I climbed between her legs, meeting her hungry eyes.

“I know I let the past control my life, but I want you to know I’ll never let you down,” I vowed. “You’re mine now, Joss.”

“And you’re all mine,” she said thoughtfully, placing her hand on the side of my face.

“All yours, babe.
I want us to have a title. I’m getting a little old for the whole boyfriend-girlfriend thing and that word doesn’t seem strong enough. So, how about I just call you my forever?” 

“I li
ke the sound of that.” She smiled. She owned me, body and soul.

Taking her hand
, I placed it on my chest, right over my heart. “You feel it, babe. It’s yours for as long as you want it. It’s yours, Joss.”

“Ditto.”

Grabbing my length, she ran it along her moist slit, lining me up with her entrance. I slowly pressed forward and all was right with the world. This is where I was supposed to be. I belonged with her and she belonged with me. We moved together as one and it was as if a part of me was being stitched back together, like I was becoming whole, instead of the tattered pieces of my scarred past.

“I love you,” I breathed.

“I love you, too.”

Life is a beautiful struggle. It’s like a recipe. There’s a dash of pain, regret, and uncertainty. A sprinkle of lust and love and usually some more pain thrown in for good measure, but if you stumble and fall pick yourself up, because it’s all worth it in the end…

The next day…

I wasn’t sure how I was going to handle things with Kevin just yet. I was pissed off and hurt, but lucky for him, Joss kept me thoroughly occupied until early morning, when we both passed out from exhaustion.

Joss and I were walking hand in hand down the street with the sun shining. She helped me come up with the perfect thing to send to my dad. An olive branch if you will. I bought him an iPod and filled it with all of our Battlescars albums along with some others. One song that I’d listened to a lot over the years was “Emotionless” by Good Charlotte, so I had that one scheduled to play first. I penned a note for him and placed it inside the box, along with a change of clothes and a plane ticket. We hadn’t found him a place to stay just yet, but Granny had offered to take him in until we could find an alternative. There’s nothing like getting thrown back in feet first to get you adjusted back into society and with Granny, that’s just how it was.

Jake was at the label signing the last of the paperwork that would officially end our contract since we weren’t resigning. He already had lawyers working on setting up Ripped Legging Records and we’d be signing our first band as soon as they were finished. You can probably already guess
who it’s going to be, right?

You guessed it - Guilty Tendencies…

The future held so much uncertainty, but as long as I had Joss next to me, I knew I would be okay. After dropping off the package for my dad, I looked across the street, where there was a Cartier store. It was a sign. I looked at Joss grinning, as I picked her up and carried her across the street.

“Let’s go find our happily ever after.” I kissed her.

“I already have.”

The End