Conflicted (19 page)

“Okay,” I agreed.

“Then it’s a done deal. I’ll see you in LA,” he said happily.

“See you in LA,” I said, hanging up the phone.

Taking a cleansing breath, I rolled down the window, since I was suddenly sweating bullets, hoping to keep my secret safe. Hitting my turn signal, I pulled into Ms. Jones’ driveway and went to the door to get Sky. Once he was safely buckled into the backseat, I told him about our plans for the weekend. He was so excited to get to fly on a plane. At twenty-six, it would be my first plane ride, too.

DEREK

The sun was shining and I had sand between my toes and a cold beer in my hand. Damn, I missed LA sometimes. The weather was always great.  Well, once the smog burned off, but it wasn’t too bad out by the ocean.

Once I’d gotten off the phone with Kennedy, I’d made all their travel arrangements and made sure that the house was stocked for their arrival. I’d would leave her alone to do her thing until tomorrow. Tonight was Joss’ party anyway. Jake was inside with Aubrey going over everything with their sitter for the night.

Taking the last swig from my bottle, I made my way inside and got in the shower. After toweling dry, I picked out a pair of faded jeans and a short-sleeved gray button up. Standing in front of the mirror, I fixed my hair and spritzed on some cologne. I gave myself a pep talk for about ten minutes.

As I was making my way downstairs, Jake had Aubrey pressed up against the wall, kissing her. I cleared my throat and he swatted his hand at me before giving me the finger. Aubrey turned her head, breaking their connection.

“You ready, D?” she asked with a smile.

“That’s a stupid question, Aub,” Jake laughed. “He’s probably been talking to himself for the past hour.”

“Jake!” Aubrey scolded playfully. “Just ignore him. I do,” she said to me and stuck her tongue out at him.

“Oh you’re going to get it later, Mrs. Parker,” Jake teased.

“I’m counting on it,” she grinned. “Now, can we get this freak show on the road? Brett’s been outside waiting for a half hour.”

I followed them down the stairs and they said a quick goodbye to the kids. Brett held the door open as we piled into the Escalade and we headed downtown to the club. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous about tonight. I’d had a week of mental torture, I mean preparation, but right now it didn’t mean jack shit. I tried not to think about Joss and Zach or anything involving Lake Tahoe. It didn’t matter even if they did. I’d slept with Brittany, so if she’d slept with Zach, I had to be okay with it. She wasn’t mine. Not yet. Maybe not ever…

Brett pulled around to the back entrance of the club where a bouncer opened the door and escorted us into the private room. Everything was decorated in hot pink, black, and silver. There were balloons, streamers, and sparkly things covering every available surface. The room was already half filled with partygoers. Joss stood off to the side in a skin-tight strapless leather mini dress with a pair of shiny white patent leather stilettos. Her hair had been recently dyed and was hanging in loose curls around her perfect face. Her eye makeup was heavy, but still tasteful. My heart took off into overdrive the second I took her in. This girl was everything I would ever want.

Zach was standing next to her with his arm around her waist. He kept leaning into her, whispering things that made her laugh. She hadn’t noticed us come in yet, so I used the opportunity to grab some liquid courage. I practically sprinted to the bar and ordered a Jack, neat. Tilting my head back, I let the amber liquid burn its way down.

“Aren’t you going to wish me a happy birthday?” I heard from behind me.

As I turned my head, her face was inches from mine. I was assaulted by her perfume. My breath caught as soon I looked at her. She looked stunning.

“I’m here, aren’t I?” I grinned. “Happy birthday, babe.”

She leaned in, pulling me into an embrace. I kissed the top of her head, dying on the inside. After seeing her so happy with Zach, it made me second-guess my decision to talk to her. I wasn’t sure now was the right place either.

“Joss,” I whispered, causing her to look up at me. “Can we talk for a minute?”

Her face was full of concern. “Shit, is everything okay? Did you talk to Kennedy?”

“Yeah, they’re actually in LA. They’ll be at the wedding, so you’ll get to meet Skylar. That’s not what I want to talk to you about though…”

Tugging on my hand, she pushed her way through the crowd before stepping outside through the back door. The night caused the temperature to drop dramatically. Joss rubbed her hands along her arms in an effort to warm herself. It took every ounce of self-restraint not to pull her against me. She looked at me, waiting for me to start talking.

Here goes nothing…
 

“Joss, you know I care about you, right?” I asked. She smiled and nodded. “When you came into my life the first time, you were barely eighteen
and I was in a dark place. You helped pull me out of it. I don’t know how, but you did. Then when Waverly was born, you pushed your way back into my world. I haven’t been the same since. I have been living my life in denial for as long as I can remember and you pull me back into reality. You make me see things that I don’t and some that I don’t want to, but you’re the light in all of it. After that night in Phoenix, all I could think about the entire drive back was how I was going to move on without you. Timing is always off with us and I want you to know that what I’m going to tell you next doesn’t matter if you’re truly happy with Zach.”

“Derek, what’s going on? What is it?” she asked softly.

“Joss-,” I started, just as the door opened and Zach stepped out.

“Hey, I was wondering where you went off to.
Everyone’s looking for the birthday girl.” He didn’t look happy to see us together.

“I’ll be right in,” she told him. He hesitated, but she waved him off. Once the door was shut behind him, she turned her attention back to me.

“Continue,” she smiled.

Sucking in a lung full of air, I exhaled and counted back from five.

“Joss, I realized that night that I love you. I should have fought for you then. I should have told you how I felt. I should have told you I wasn’t okay. I should have told you that I wanted more. I didn’t know how. I gave up because I was too scared to feel anything. I was too afraid of loving anyone for fear that they would leave, or something would happen to them like it happened to Kyle and my mom. I was so wrapped up in that delusion that I pushed you away when you were all I wanted from the beginning. You’re a part of me.”

I felt like I was going to breakdown and cry like a pussy. “Fuck, Joss, I hate this. I’m not asking you to end things with Zach; I just need you to know how I feel. I miss you. Every fucking night I go to bed and all I want is you there next to me. It’s so empty without you. I just want to feel okay again. I understand if it’s too late, but I want you to know that I truly do love you.”

“Wow” was all she said. She looked at me with pure shock across her face. “You love me?”

“I love you, Joss. More than I’ve ever loved anyone.”

“I wish you could have figured this out earlier. This is a cluster fuck,” she sighed. I knew where she was going with this and I told myself that I had to be okay with whatever she decided. It didn’t mean I had to be happy about it, but if she was happy, I needed to let her go. I could stand off in the sidelines, hoping I’d get an opportunity.

“I’m going to need some time to think about everything.”

“It’s okay, Joss. Take your time. I just needed you to know.”

I opened the door and held my hand out, gesturing for her to go inside.

“I’m sorry,” she said, walking past me, back over to where Zach was standing.

I found Blake, Piper, Aubrey, and Jake at a table off in the corner, sipping Corona-
rita’s and laughing their asses off. Their laughter died when they saw me approach. I wasn’t in the mood for fifty questions and luckily they knew me well enough not to pry. I’d talk when I was ready. As a waiter walked by, I grabbed a bottle of beer off the tray and started sipping.

An hour later, I was wallowing in my own self-pity, drinking straight cranberry juice like I was on the rag. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Zach grab Joss’ arm to keep her from walking away from him. I saw fucking red. Practically jumping out of my seat, I strode quickly across the room with my sights set on one person. As soon as I reached him, I grabbed the front of his shirt and pushed him backward until he was pinned up against the wall. Only loud music could be heard in the room that was filled with talking and laughter moments before. I lifted Zach inches off the ground as my body shook with fury.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing putting your hands on her like that?” I roared.

His shocked expression made me want to calm down, but I couldn’t because it involved Joss. Every instinct in me
would always fight to protect her, to cherish her, to
love
her.

“You have no right touching her like that. You should thank your lucky stars that I’m not breaking your pretty boy face right now.”
I slammed him against the wall just hard enough that he knew I wasn’t playing around, before letting him go and storming out of the club and into the night.

I needed to get out of there. I didn’t want to go back to Jake and Aubrey’s
and I couldn’t go to my place, so I started walking. Looking over my shoulder, I made sure that I wasn’t being followed. The guys knew me well enough that they knew I’d need to be alone for a bit. Since I was always so guarded, once you were in my world, there wasn’t much that I wouldn’t do to protect that.

After my revelation in Phoenix, it seemed like Joss was everywhere. I found a scarf of hers under my bed after I got back. It was from one of the nights when she came back from Blake’s and pounced on me. It had become something of a security blanket for me the past week; it was a piece of her. I loved the way that she’d jump on me and wrap her legs around my back. I loved the way she
fit in my arms. I loved how she was compassionate and selfless, even when she was acting selfish.

Knowing that I probably royally fucked things up for good this time, I walked a couple more blocks before ending up at a small bar. Making my way inside the dimly lit room, I found one of many empty seats. Since I’d only had a shot and a beer at Joss’ party, I was stone cold sober and I needed to stay that way. Instead of ordering my normal whiskey, I opted for ginger ale. Joss had taken over my every waking thought. Even when I wasn’t thinking of her, she was there.

I’d been on my own for so long that I forgot who I was. I saw now that I’d been waiting for someone who could save me from myself. Before I’d met Joss, nothing could hurt me, then she stormed in and changed everything. She just happened to be a beautiful, everything I could ever want goddess. Fucking-A, I felt like a pussy. I sounded like a whiny bitch, even in my own head. No matter what, I would never regret the time I spent with her, even it was tearing my life apart.

Tossing a ten-dollar bill on the counter, I walked across the street and got a hotel room. I needed to be alone. I wanted to be alone. After giving the girl behind the counter my credit card, I took the key and went off to find the room. Her obvious flirting held no interest for me, which was just another way that I knew I was in love. Had it been a couple months ago, she would have been splayed across the mattress while I fucked her into next week, before tossing her out on her ass and never thinking of her again. Over the years, there had been countless girls whom I didn’t give a fuck about. Seeing things in a different perspective, I felt like an asshole. Not that they weren’t asking for it by throwing themselves at me, but I wasn’t exactly
nice about how I handled things either.

Tossing my phone onto the bed, I went into the bathroom and stripped out of my clothes. I stepped into the shower, turning the water as hot as it would go. I knew I would need to get up on the early side to have enough time to get back to Jake’s and get ready for the wedding.

I thought about Kennedy and Skylar and wondered if he’d had fun at Disneyland. I’d wanted to go with them, but I didn’t want it to be an awkward experience. Since I knew Kennedy couldn’t afford to take him on vacations, I wanted to give her this. I wanted to learn to be selfless, to become a better person. I’d spent so long being resentful and bitter that it had turned me into a person that I wasn’t happy being. I used music, booze, and girls as medication. In actuality, I wasn’t much better than my dad.

Wrapping a towel around my waist, I picked my boxers up off the sink and put them back on before climbing into the cold empty bed. I fought the urge to call Joss. Instead, I closed my eyes and begged for sleep.

JOSS

“Seriously Zach, you did that on purpose, didn’t you?” I shouted.

His face twisted in anger. “He’s a loose cannon, Joss. You honestly want that to be a part of your life?”

“I don’t know what I want right now. Honestly, I was leaning toward you until about fifteen minutes ago. Now you’re showing me that you’re not much better than he is. At least he can admit that he’s flawed instead of trying to act perfect all the fucking time.” It was a low blow
and I knew it.