Conflicted (18 page)

“I’ll see you around, Joss. We leave in the morning. The person from the court said my dad needs about two weeks to go through processing and stuff, so he’ll get out right after the wedding. I’m not sure what we’ll do from there. I guess I’ll see if I can’t rent him an apartment or something in Smithville. I don’t think moving him in with me would be such a brilliant idea, especially right away. He’s going to need time to readjust to day to day life.” I ran my hands through my hair, trying to think of the best way to go about things.

“Call me. I mean it, Derek.” Leaning across the console, she kissed my cheek softly, lingering for just a moment before turning her attention in front of her. “I’ll see you in LA.”

“See ya, Joss.”

Slowly opening the passenger door, I took one more deep breath of Joss-filled air, biting my tongue the entire time
so I didn’t turn around and say something. It was like déjà vu all over again. Making my way up to the sidewalk, I followed Britt into the hotel. She was walking at a fast pace and I knew she was pissed. She had every right to be.

We walked through the lobby to the elevator, where she tapped her foot waiting for the doors to open.
Once inside, she wouldn’t even look at me. I guess the hope of us remaining friends was out the window too. When the door dinged, she stalked out and stomped her way down the hallway to the room. Slamming the key card into the slot, she pushed the door open, not bothering to hold it open for me.

Deciding it was best to give her a few minutes to chill before I started pressing her, I walked across the room and took a seat on the sofa. She was pacing back and forth between rooms for a soli
d ten minutes before she stopped in directly front of me.

“Let me have it,” I told her.

“Over and over you make me fall for you… I’m not falling this time. I feel like I’m being used. Am I your pawn or something? A ploy to make Joss jealous? I thought we had something. I really did, but you just turned this into a love/hate relationship. I wish more than anything I’d never walked into the bar that night. I wish I never met you for dinner. More than anything, I wish I never
met
you. But you know what? My world still turns when you’re not in it. I’ve made it this far alone and I’ll keep going the same way!”

By the time she was done letting it all out, she was out of breath and crying.

“First, you’re going off the deep end. You didn’t even let me talk. Second, honestly I thought we had something too, Britt. I did or I wouldn’t have let it escalate. It’s just this thing with Joss keeps pushing its way into the forefront and I know for a fact that I can’t give you all of me right now. You’re an incredible girl and it makes me sad that things aren’t working out. I’m beyond thankful for everything you’ve helped me through. I wish it could have been different, but what you said this morning about you being my second choice? As much as I hate to admit it, and you’re going to think I’m an asshole for admitting it, you’re right. I thought I was going to be able to move on without her. I honestly did. It’s nothing you did or didn’t do. It just is what it is. You’re still an important person to me and who knows what the future holds. There’s just too much going on in my head right now.”

“I guess I just got my hopes up. I thought maybe if you missed me, you would want to stay. I see now that I don’t have what it takes to hold you,” she sobbed.

Pushing myself up, I walked over and pulled her into a hug. “Britt, I do care about you; don’t ever doubt that for a minute.”

“Why can’t I ever be enough? I’m so sick of trying. I give
away everything that I have and it always ends up hurting me.”

“Why do you think I’m so fucking guarded?” I asked. “That’s why. I’m so scared to give anything and, believe it or not, I did give a piece of myself to you. You’re special, Britt, but sometimes it’s just not enough.” 

She didn’t push me away as I pulled her to my side and held her there. I let her cry it out and felt the little piece of my heart that had started beating again fade out.

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

SEVERED IN STITCHES

I’d been back in Smithville for two days and I was getting ready to go over to Jake and Aubrey’s for dinner. After catching wind of everything that went down between Britt and me, Jake offered her a job helping with marketing at The Crystal Parker House. She’d done so well setting things up for the benefit show. He set her up in a staff-housing unit on the premises and she decided to stay there rather than come back. I was thankful that Aubrey had come and packed up all her stuff before I got back, so I didn’t have to do it. We’d made amends and decided we would remain friends. I was going to give her some space before reaching out, but everything felt amicable when I left, which pleased me. I still felt like an asshole that things played out the way they did, but on the same token, I was grateful, because it helped me realize my true feelings for Joss.

Standing in the middle of the vast living room, the loneliness was back and felt worse than ever. I was doing my best to keep myself occupied as much as possible, but it didn’t help much. I was going insane knowing there was a decent chance that Joss was going to sleep with Zach this weekend in Lake Tahoe
and there wasn’t a fucking thing I could do about it. I liked Zach, but the thought of him touching her made me want to break his face.

Stepping into my boots, I opened the front door and took the short walk across the lawn to the main house. Pushing down on the handle, I walked through the entryway. Jake was there waiting. He clapped me on the shoulder before pulling me into a quick hug. The gesture made me want to cry. He was seriously one of the best friends anyone
could ever ask for. He always went above and beyond to take care of people he loved and his loyalty meant the world to me.

“Granny wants to talk to you. She’s in the den,” he said, letting go of me.

Nodding, I made my way down the hall, stopping to look at the little white haired lady sitting in the wingback chair with an e-cigarette in one hand and a Scotch in the other.

“Sit your ass down,” she called to me. If it were anyone else, it would have sounded offensive, but it was Granny, so you learned to expect it.

Kissing the top of her head, I took a seat across from her and leaned back in the chair. “Hey, Granny.”

“Boy, you done gone and fucked things up good this time,” she said, taking a drag of her e-cig and blowing
out the vapor. “Now what’s your plan?”

“My plan?” I asked, confused.

“Yeah, dummy,” she laughed. “Listen to me. That girl is head over heels for you. Chances are she has been since she laid eyes on you. Now what are you going to do about it, dammit?”

I ran my hands
though my hair, thinking about what she said. “It’s complicated, Granny. She’s seeing someone else. He’s good for her. I’m a mess right now. I’m not even sure she would give me a chance if I asked.”

“How the hell will you know if you don’t try and find out? I’ve been around a long time, kid. I heard those two girls gossiping like a couple of high schoolers about all things Derek the whole time you were gone. I gotta say, it’s better than the soaps on TV,” she winked.

“I’m glad my life is so entertaining,” I groaned. “There’s something else they don’t know about yet. Something that only Joss and Britt know about and I’m not sure how it’s going to play out…”

She raised the Scotch to her lips, taking a small sip. “Well, spit it out.”

I took a deep breath and grabbed the glass of amber liquid from Granny, chugging it in one sip. “I’m married. I never told anyone, but Joss has known for years. Anyway, I went to see her while I was in Phoenix and she has a son; he’s mine.”

“Son of a bitch, kid. You really do know how to go and fuck things up for yourself, now don’t ya? The guys don’t know yet?” she asked, raising an eyebrow.

“No, I haven’t had the time to tell them yet. Everyone has a lot going on and I didn’t want to burden them with any more of my issues,” I said, looking at the floor.

“Your secret’s safe with me, but you
really do need to tell them. Now, back to this thing with Blake’s hottie of a sister. You need to tell her how you feel. Don’t hold back. If you do, it will be the end for real. You need to lay it all on the line; it’s the only way you’ll know for sure. If not, you’ll spend the rest of your life wishing you had.” With that, she stood up and walked out of the room. Most likely to get a refill of her Scotch and go outside for a real cigarette.

Putting my head back, I closed my eyes and ran several different scenarios through my head. There was no way I was going to Lake Tahoe; that would be a dick move and Joss would probably kill me. That meant I would have to wait until LA and hope for the best. I also needed to talk things over with Blake. As much as I loved him and the band, I loved Joss more and would sacrifice it all if I had to. I just had to pray it didn’t come to that.

Stretching my arms above my head, I stood up and strode into the kitchen, where everyone was hovered around Caroline’s famous pot roast with all the fixings. I felt out of place among the happy couples. As much as I was starving, I had completely lost my appetite. Blake was eyeing me and I knew I wouldn’t be able to do much until I talked to him, but I wanted Jake there too. Once I had both of their attention, I nodded towards Jake’s office. Jake excused us and strolled over to the door, gesturing for Blake and me to go in, closing it behind us.

“What’s up, D?” Jake asked.

“I need to talk to Blake, but there’s something I need to fill you both in on first.” Blake took a seat in one of the black leather chairs while Jake leaned against his desk. “While we were in Phoenix, I saw Kennedy. You remember her, right?”

“Yeah, you guys used to date in high school. You didn’t hook up with her, too, did you?” Blake asked.

“No, I didn’t. It’s worse than that. There’s something neither of you know.” I paused. “Right after we graduated, Kennedy and I got married. It was stupid and I never should have done it. It was when we were living in that little apartment above the Marx’s house. Anyway, it didn’t take long for me to figure out that it was a colossal mistake and I wanted out. She got pissed and took off right after I told her. I tried hunting her down a couple times throughout the years, but I was too busy doing band stuff and the thought of a relationship never appealed to me to the point that I worried about getting a divorce. So I gave up. When I showed up last week, I got the surprise of a lifetime. She has a kid and it’s not just any kid. He’s mine…”

Jake used his hands to hold himself steady on the desk and Blake looked pale.

“What. The. Fuck?” Blake stammered. “So you’re married and have a kid and you never said anything?”

“I just found out about the kid part
and like I said, I never gave much thought to the marriage thing after she left.”

Blake rubbed his hands over his face and let out a loud sigh. Jake was rendered speechless, which rarely ever happened.

“So what now? Are you moving?” Jake asked.

“No. I only met him for a minute. His name is Skylar. She told me she would call after she had time to think about everything. The whole thing was horrible. That was why Joss was with me the first night back in Phoenix. She’s known about Kennedy and me for a long time, but no one knew that she had a kid.”

“That’s some seriously fucked up shit,” Blake said. “Wait, how did Joss know?”

I was hoping to avoid this all together, but I couldn’t tell him the truth. Not just yet. “I told her one night while we were drunk at your house,” I lied.

“You’re going through a lot lately, bro,” Jake grimaced. “Nothing but seriously fucked up shit has been going on. I mean damn, Derek, you’ve been through the wringer these last few months.”

“What the hell, Jake?” Blake scolded. “I know you’re stating the obvious, but give him a break.”

I was hoping to take advantage of him feeling sorry for me to bring up the situation with Joss. Maintenance. 

“Blake, you know I love you like a brother. I love all you guys like brothers. You and Kev were the lucky ones. You had families and shit growing up. Jake and I didn’t have that, so you guys became our family. If it weren’t for you guys and the band, there is no doubt in my mind that I would be dead. There’s no way I could have survived all this shit on my own. But I figured something else out while we were back home I’m pussy whipped, head over heels, over the moon in love with your sister,
bro.”

“What did you just say?” Blake stuttered.

“I’m in love with Joss. Like for real, fairytale, happily ever after in love with her,” I admitted.

Jake was finding the whole incident fucking hilarious.

“Fuck, man. I guess it could be worse…” Jake trailed off, clutching his stomach. “Does she love you?”

“I don’t know, dude. I mean I think so, but we’ve also hurt each other too. I just don’t want to go to LA with all these intentions without your approval first. I need to get her alone and away from Zach so I can talk to her. If she says she’s not interested, I swear I’ll back off
and I don’t want her to leave Zach if he makes her happy, but Fucking-A dude, it’s going to kill me.”

“You’re really in love,” Blake said. It wasn’t a question; it was a statement and yes I was.

I nodded.

The three of us sat around devising a plan and putting it into action.
I was officially mentally prepping for what would most likely be the longest week of my life. After everything that I’d questioned in my life up until now, this was the one thing that I was absolutely sure of. Joss’ reaction, on the other hand, I wasn’t so sure about. She seemed really into Zach and that could spell heartbreak for me.

KENNEDY

Trudging through another long ass day at work, I slid into my shit box of a car and listened as the ignition screamed in protest. Of all the days it happened, it had to be today. It was my late shift and I was going to be late getting Skylar from the sitter’s house. My job as a full time caregiver for Mr. Arnold was perfect because I had a lot of flexibility for the most part, except on Tuesdays, when I needed to stay until seven when Nancy came to relieve me.

Trying again, I turned the key and got nothing again.

I’d spent the last almost eight years taking care of myself and doing what needed to be done in order to get by. It was getting old. The visit from Derek the other day had me overcome with guilt. I really needed to call him. I just didn’t know if I could handle the reality of everything. Everything was closing in on me.

After spending a good fifteen minutes working at it, I finally got the car running. Looking in my rearview mirror, I backed out of the driveway and headed to the other side of town so I could get Sky. I’d done the best I
could so far, but raising him on my own was a lot harder than I’d thought it was going to be at eighteen. I’d thought about reaching out over the years, but my bitterness won out. I didn’t want to give Derek the satisfaction of knowing how much he’d hurt me. Everyone that I ever loved had left me, which is why I wanted to have Sky. I craved that unconditional love. I knew it was selfish to keep him to myself, but I did it anyway. I knew how Derek was and, if Sky knew about him, there was no doubt that he would have chosen to live with him instead. That would have killed me. I couldn’t handle being left alone with nothing again.

Knowing I had about 10 minutes to kill, I picked up my phone and pulled up Derek’s number, hitting send before I had a chance to chicken out. He picked up on the second ring, sounding out of breath.

“Hello,” he answered.

“Hey, Derek. It’s Kennedy.”
I felt so stupid. “Um, how are you?”

“I’ve been better. I was hoping you were going to call.” He sounded relieved.

“So I don’t know if you have plans this weekend or not, but Sky has a long weekend off from school. I was thinking we could do something? Are you still in Phoenix?”

“Actually, I’m already back home
and I’ll be in LA this weekend. Kevin’s getting married. Would you believe it? Crazy fucking Kevin is finally settling down. Well, he’s calmed down a lot the last few years; he’s barely the same person he used to be. It’s insane!” Derek laughed.

Kevin. That’s a name I hadn’t heard in a long time. He was the wild one in Battlescars back in the day. He was the guy who, if you even looked at him funny, was in your face looking to pick a fight. It didn’t help that he was drunk or high nine out of ten times either. The thought of him settling down was actually hilarious.

“That’s crazy. Maybe another time then?” I asked.

“Unless you guys want to come to LA? I still have a place there
and you’re more than welcome to stay. Maybe you can take Skylar to Disneyland or something? I can stay at Jake’s; they had a massive addition put on the house and there’s plenty of room. I’m sure Skylar would love it, plus it would be like a real vacation.”

“I don’t know. Things are kind of tight right now…” I hated admitting it, but it was the truth.

“Don’t worry about it. If you want to come, I’ll make it happen. I think I owe you anyway. I can have tickets left at the airport for you and I’ll arrange for a car to come pick you up, so you don’t have to worry about parking. Please Kennedy, let me do this.”