Conflicted (17 page)

I sat there pondering for the longest time before I decided to go to bed. By the time
, I walked back into the room, Britt was fast asleep. Taking a step closer, I studied her beautiful face, wishing that what we had would be enough. Unfortunately, I’d be seeing my affliction tomorrow morning at the parole hearing. 

JOSS

“Stop,” I laughed as Zach continued to try and tickle my ribcage. “Come on, I’m not sharing the last cookie.”

Looking at me with puppy dog eyes, he pouted his lip. “Please, they’re so fucking good.”

“I know they are, which is exactly why I’m not sharing.” I quickly shoved the last of the cookie in my mouth and grinned.

Things had been going well with Zach. He was an all-around terrific guy and we always had fun.
I just wished I could feel stronger about him. I was mad at myself for not being head over heels for him. He bent over backwards to do little things to make me feel special and I did, but something was still missing. We still hadn’t had sex, although we were all over each other constantly. It just felt like it was too much too soon. I’d had a bit of an epiphany after coming back to Phoenix and ending things with Derek.

Derek. Seeing him earlier today, looking happy with Britt, made me happy, but sad. I knew that it was just another issue with timing for us. He wasn’t ready for anything while I was there and then all of the sudden I leave, and he jumps feet first into a relationship with a girl he’d just met. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t hurt. The fact that I had Zach made me feel like shit since I had feelings for him too.

I was over the moon when Derek told me that he’d made amends with his dad, but jealous that Britt got to be the one to witness it. I wanted to be the one in there holding his hand and reassuring him. As right as she was for him, I was a better fit. I know it sounds selfish and childish, but it’s true. I know him - all of him.

“What’s going on in that sexy head of yours?” Zach asked, looking perplexed.

Turning my head, I met his green gaze. “Just thinking about earlier,” I sighed.

“I’m glad Derek was able to get some peace with his dad. I can’t imagine going through what he has. You did a
great thing, Joss. You should be proud of yourself. I know I am,” he said, rubbing my shoulders reassuringly.

Knowing I was going to start crying if we went any further into the conversation, I kissed him. Zach pulled me closer, sliding his hand up the back of my shirt. His hands were soft and skilled, but they didn’t give me the thrill that Derek’s large, calloused ones did. Doing my best to shut my brain off, I focused on moving forward with my life. I needed to let Derek go, again.

DEREK

Sticking the last forkful of western omelet into my mouth, I stared across the table at Britt who was eating her waffle in silence.
Things had gotten a little tense last night once she figured out that I was feeling off about us. It’s not like I chose to feel this way; the heart wants what the heart wants.

It was weird how, as soon as I made a little move forward with my dad, everything else seemed to fall apart. Jake started the process of terminating our contract with NuRock
, so he could start the process of creating Ripped Legging Records. As excited as I was that we would be gaining independence, I was nervous about what the future held as far as us moving forward on our own.

“…I feel like I’m your second choice,” she sighed. “Did you hear anything I just said?”

“What?”

“While you were busy staring off into space, I was obviously having a very one-sided conversation with myself,” she snapped.

It’s reasons like this why I never did relationships. They’re so much work. Just when you think things are going great, they throw you a curve ball. Everything with Britt seemed so much easier when we were in our “flirtationship” stage. It was more than a friendship, but less than a relationship. Now I was already feeling pressured by her, and it made me want to run.

“Whoa! You know I have a lot going on right now, Britt,” I snapped back. “I told you from the get-go that it was going to take a long time. I’m still trying to un-complicate my life
and that’s not going to happen overnight. If this is too much for you, you may as well just walk away now before we get in any further,” I snapped back.

Hurt flashed across her face as she winced. “It’s because I suck in bed, isn’t it?”

“It has nothing to do with that,” I lied.

“I told you I wasn’t experienced. I can try and learn how you like things,” she said. It was my fault she was feeling defeated. I was trying to make her into Joss 2.0
and it wasn’t going to happen.

“Britt, you’re
fine. It’s me. I just want to go to the hearing today and then we’ll talk more later. Okay?”

She nodded and pushed her half-eaten plate away. Again, I was feeling conflicted. They say you always want what you can’t have
and I wondered if that’s what made me want Brittany even more after she left. She was unattainable to me, a challenge. Sure, I cared about her a lot, but I saw now it was more in the way of a friendship than a relationship. As much as I hated to admit it, I was afraid to be alone.

Looking down at my watch, I saw it was time for us to head to the hearing. Tossing some money onto the table, we headed to the automatic doors of the hotel where, as promised, Joss was waiting. She smiled, but I could tell that she was faking being happy just as much as I was.

Britt didn’t even say hi before climbing into the back and sliding the seat back so I could get in. Closing the door, I was overwhelmed with the scent of Joss. Instead of being comforting, it was suffocating. I didn’t want to live like this, but I was too late. I would never ask her to sacrifice her happiness to see where things with us ended up. She seemed genuinely happy with Zach and I’d never interfere with that.

Hitting her turn signal, Joss started the ten-minute drive toward the hearing where we would find out my dad’s fate. Once again, my heart was hammering behind my ribcage. I tried to keep myself from glancing in Joss’ direction, especially since Britt was overly observant and it would make things even worse than they already were. I needed a little time to myself to figure out how I wanted to move forward.

“So Zach and I are going to go away to Lake Tahoe next weekend,” Joss beamed. “I’ve never been. I’m so excited. I guess someone his dad works with has a house there and told us we could use it. Then we’ll be in LA for Kevin’s wedding,” she squeaked.

“I’m sure you’ll have a fantastic time. Zach’s a
great
guy,” Britt said, sounding slightly bitter.

“Hey, Derek’s a
great guy too. You’re a very lucky girl to have landed him, Britt.”

I
could practically hear Britt’s eyes rolling as Joss said it. Could this car ride get any more uncomfortable? Thankfully, after one more traffic light, we pulled into the parking lot of the courthouse. Smoothing my short sleeved, navy blue button down, I fixed my jeans doing my best to make myself presentable. Holding the door open, Britt stumbled out looking miserable. Unsure what to do, I pinned her up against the car and kissed her. Hard. After we were done here, we would need to sit down and talk, but until then, I would do my best to make her feel happy. After all, she was an innocent bystander in this fucking disaster I called a life.

Joss cleared her throat. “Are you ready?”

When I pulled away, I noticed that Britt’s cheeks were bright red. Putting one foot in front of the other, I made my way into the courthouse. It was hard to believe that less than twenty-four hours ago, I would have wanted my dad to rot in jail for the rest of his life and now, here I was hoping they would set him free.

Unsure of what the future held, I wanted my dad
and me to at least have a chance at a relationship. Fifteen years was a long time; although I would never get Kyle or my mom back, maybe I could have a dad. Coming to terms to with everything had taken me the same amount of time he’d been locked up.

After making our way through the metal detector, I was pointed in the direction of a set of heavy wooden doors. Inhaling a deep breath, I entered the dingy, probably once white room with dark wood trim. In
the front of the room was a panel of four people lined up at a long table. A pile of folders sat stacked on the far corner and the seats were already mostly occupied with either supporters or victims who were also up for parole.

The three of us were able to find empty seats next to one another toward the back. I sat in the middle with Britt and Joss on either side of me. Lifting my hand, I undid the top button of my shirt; it felt like a boa constrictor around my neck. The air in the room was stale and warm since we were cramped in here. I felt way underdressed compared to most of the other people in the room.

Maybe I should have worn long sleeves and covered my tattoos to make a better impression,
I thought to myself.

Silence. The room went silent as soon as the guard opened the door and a row of handcuffed inmates entered, taking seats in plastic chairs off to the side. Some of them looked menacing
, while others looked scared to death. My dad sat among them, clean-shaven and put together. Well, as put together as you can look in an orange jumpsuit.

One by one, inmates were called up. Victims gave statements. Some recounted horrible events
, while others offered their forgiveness. My hands were shaking something terrible when the time got close. I started tapping a drumbeat on my leg in an effort to calm myself. Joss reached over and placed her hand on mine, halting my tapping. She smiled and mouthed, “Stop it
.
”
Her touch instantly relaxed me. Britt was on the other side. When she noticed Joss’ hand on mine, she glared, causing Joss to quickly remove her hand and place it in her lap.

Finally, it was my dad’s turn to go up. The guard un-cuffed him and walked him over to the middle of the room, sitting him down in a single chair facing the panel. They read off his prison ID number.

“Let it be noted that we’re on record here. This is parole consideration hearing for Derek Scott Sr. The board has taken the time to look at your file and your behavior since you’ve arrived here in custody fifteen years ago on two counts of vehicular homicide, one of which resulted in the death of your son,” a man to the far left spoke. “We, as the board, have spoken with your COs and case workers, all of whom think you would be better suited back in society. What happened was a tragic accident that could have been prevented. We would also like to note, for the record, that you have successfully completed intensive alcohol rehabilitation therapy, as well as extensive psychiatric treatment during your time in confinement. As well, we have reviewed letters written on your behalf. We as a panel see no reason why you shouldn’t be granted parole. As long as you have nothing to add, we will start the motion effective two weeks from today.”

My dad nodded. I could tell by the shaking of his body that he was crying. The guard came and moved him back to sit with the other prisoners. Looking across the room, he met my gaze and relief washed over me. I wasn’t sure what the future held, but I definitely wasn’t moving back to Arizona so we’d have to figure something out. It was
going to be a struggle building up a relationship with him since we’d never truly had one, but I was up for the task.

After the final parolee was
finished, we made our way back out to Joss’ car. Now that everything was over, I could feel the tension radiating off both Britt and Joss. I had the heartbreaking task of telling Britt that I didn’t think I was capable of moving forward. She was going to hate me for it. I’d have to wait in the shadows and hope that Zach fucked things up with Joss so I could swoop in and try and convince her to give us a shot.

Her twenty-first birthday happened to be the same weekend as Kevin’s wedding. Blake booked a VIP room at a club downtown to celebrate, so he could hawk watch her the entire time and beat the hell out of anyone who got too close. Little did he know I’d be there feeling like ripping off the head of anyone who even brushed into her.

I was too sidetracked by daydreaming and looking out the window that I didn’t even realize we were already back at the hotel until Joss waved her hand in front of my face.

“Britt, do you think I can have a minute with Derek before you steal him from me?”

“I think it’s the other way around, but have at it,” she huffed.

I opened the door and climbed out so that Britt could get out of the backseat. Once she was on the sidewalk, I got back in the car and closed the door behind me.

“What’s up?” I asked Joss.

“What’s going on with you? You’ve been acting distant all day.
I know you had a lot running through your head, but your dad’s getting out and I have a feeling that’s not what it is anyway.”

“I’m fine. I just have a lot running through my mind right now. I’ll figure it out. You need to stop worrying about me, Joss.” I was
having a hard time holding her gaze because all I wanted to do was reach across and kiss her.

“You can lie all you want, but it’s not going to solve anything,” she sighed. “Call me if you need anything, okay?” She looked like she wanted to say more, but didn’t.