Confessions (4 page)

I removed the last magazine from the rack and took a seat on the floor. Running a bookstore was hard work. But I wouldn't have had it any other way. Book Ends was open seven days a week with a different event scheduled almost every evening. That night was open mic night, which meant I wouldn't close the store until after nine. Not that I was complaining.

I looked across the store at Karen, my assistant, as she rang up another customer's order. It was buy two, get one free day, and as usual the store had been busy. I was grateful business had been good. As much as I wanted a black bookstore, the only thing black about it is the owner. I learned that catering to just my people was not a smart business move. No offense, but you know good and well we like to borrow each other's books instead of trying to support black bookstores, which is why so many have gone out of business. I'll admit, I can't compete with the prices at Walmart and some of the other online stores, but that's why I offer specials. I also make sure I have books for everyone. White, black, Chinese, religious, you name it, I try to have it in my store.

“Nikki, the mail's here,” Karen cried from the front counter. As soon as the last customers left, I rose from the floor and grabbed the mail from behind the counter.

“I'm running to Popeyes. You want me to get you something?”

I looked up at her gold-toothed smile. At first glance, Karen wasn't what one would consider front desk material with her blond weave and long fake nails. But she was fresh out of business school with exceptional customer service skills. After two bad seeds, especially a thieving bitch by the name of Tiara, who I fired in November after discovering she was stealing books and selling them to her friends for a third of the price, Karen was a godsend. Trust and believe, I have a business to run, and if and when I need Karen to tone down the hair and clothes, I'll tell her. I know she's a single parent with four kids, so I don't have a problem paying for her to get her hair done if needed.

I took a moment to consider Karen's offer. I had planned to have a bag of popcorn and a diet drink, but I was sure by late afternoon I'd be hungry for some food. “Go ahead and take enough outta petty cash to cover both our lunches and grab me a two-piece white.”

“Thanks, Nikki.”

“No problem.” I waited until after Karen left before I headed to the back. I had a camera up front, and the bell over the door was so loud, it could be heard from the Dumpster in the alley. I popped a bag of butter popcorn, grabbed a Coke from the refrigerator, and when the timer went off, I carried my food back to my desk and took a seat. While I chewed on popcorn I thumbed through the mail, leaving greasy fingerprints. Bills and magazines, and then my heart practically stopped as I stared down at an envelope that was handwritten. Oh, my goodness! I knew that writing anywhere.

Donovan.

My hands were shaking as I reached for the letter opener. I ripped the seal, then I removed the sheet of notebook paper.

My stomach dropped. I had waited months for a letter from him and finally it had come, only it wasn't at all what I had expected. Donovan had just ripped my heart out.
It's time for us to move on.
Those words floated around the store like a heavy cloud only seconds away from raining down on me. Damn him! The last thing I wanted to do was cry, because I'd known our marriage was in trouble long before Donovan left for Iraq. Yet that didn't stop the tears. I couldn't help it. I started bawling like a baby. Thank goodness Karen was gone and no one was in the store so I could sit there and feel sorry for myself. I failed at my marriage. Part of me thought, hoped, distance and time would bring us back together; instead it had done the exact opposite. What had gone wrong? As far as I was concerned, our life together should have been perfect.

Donovan and I both grew up in Englewood Park housing projects, where crack was the drug of choice. A week wouldn't go by without somebody trying to kill someone else. That was just the way of life for us.

Mama struggled to raise my sister, Tamara, and me, and did everything she could working part-time as a cashier at the local drug store. Money was tight, but one thing about my mama, she knew how to make the dollar work. Clothes we got from the Salvation Army, but you'd be amazed at what she could find.

I had always been good at school and knew I wanted to be a nurse or in some other field helping people. I had big plans to have a better life, and so did Donovan.

Donovan and I didn't start dating until junior high. He was a cutie then. Redbone, five ten, with a medium build, and the sexiest smile. Donovan grew up with an alcoholic father who kicked his ass on a regular basis. Whenever his father put him out, Donovan would come over and I would sneak him in through my bedroom window. We'd spend the night holding each other and planning a better life. I didn't give him my virginity until our sophomore year, and I never regretted it. As soon as we graduated high school, we got married with my family's blessing. Both of us attended college locally—he on a track scholarship, and me with the help of financial aid. We lived in a one-bedroom apartment that was no better than the projects, but neither of us complained. We had each other, and that's all that truly mattered. I worked as a manager at Walgreens during the day and an intern at the radio station at night while Donovan opened a barbershop. When I found out I was pregnant, neither of us thought life could get any better. We were so happy. We saved everything we had and bought our first home one month before Mimi, short for Tamika, was born. It was hard juggling work and motherhood, but Donovan didn't want someone else raising our daughter, so we arranged our schedule to make sure Mimi was always with one of us.

A sob rose to my throat and tears spilled and dampened my mail. I remember being so tired, so very tired. If only I hadn't been so willing to please my husband and had insisted on a babysitter for help, maybe she…maybe things would have turned out differently.

I stared down at the tear-stained letter. According to its contents, it was time for me to say good-bye not to one but to two of the most important people to ever become a part of my life. Part of me still wasn't ready to let go, even though deep in my heart I knew I had lost them both years ago.

I arrived at my lovely two-bedroom condo. My maid, Consuela, had come through for her weekly cleaning, and the house smelled fabulous as usual.

I stepped through the house on my beautiful mahogany wood floor. Last year Leon had a fit when I told him I planned to pull up all the carpet and replace it with wood flooring, but in the end I got my way and haven't regretted my decision yet. One of Consuela's responsibilities was cleaning the floor with Murphy Oil Soap once a month, and her hard work rang true.

I headed to my room and slipped out of my clothes and moved into the shower. It was important for me to smell fresh and look fabulous when Leon arrived. I needed a new house, and it was going to take a little extra loving to convince him. In the end I would get my way. I always did.

As I lathered my body I thought about my life with Leon. He was an excellent provider and a good man. I didn't know if I would have been where I was if it wasn't for him. I don't give him all the credit, but some just the same.

Don't get me wrong, I love my husband, but at that point in my life it had to be about me. I'd traveled around being the dutiful and supportive wife for five years while he had been transferred all over the place as a result of one bank merger after another. Every time we had to move, I smiled; said goodbye to my job, my friends, and neighbors; packed up our stuff and prepared for the next location. Five years without objections or questioning, what about me? But at thirty, I decided it was finally my time to shine. It was time for me to finally start living life for me. That's why I went back to school, and after years of starting and stopping, I finally got a degree in social work and was lucky when I landed a job at the Division of Children and Family Services. For the first time in my life it wasn't about simply earning a paycheck. I finally had my first job that held real meaning. I was able to finally do for me. I was no longer just Leon Montgomery's wife. Or the little bucktoothed girl from Englewood Park. I was finally Trinette Meyers-Montgomery. With my job as a caseworker, I had a real purpose, a career with promotion potential. And no one, not even my husband, was going to take that away from me.

Speaking of promotion, you better believe I had every intention of getting Yolanda's job when she left. I had busted my ass for two years, staying late, making sure all my case files were in order. I was better than half those lazy heffas who worked in my office. I worked hard to get where I was and I'd be damned before I let anyone take that from me. You see, people are quick to judge, but they have no idea who I am or where I came from.

I was dogged most of my life. A girl from the projects with a mother who turned tricks to supplement her welfare. Darlene wasn't even good at what she did, because all she seemed to bring home was more babies. Four brothers one after the other whom I was left to raise while dear old Mommy chased after a pipe dream. Watching her wearing her cheap perfume, coming home smelling like sex, I knew I would never allow a man to use me up the way she had. Only I got it worse. My uncle Sonny victimized me for years. Mama turned a blind eye because Sonny gave her money. He robbed me of my virginity and my dignity at twelve and kept having his way with me until I was fifteen, when I finally tried to bite his dick off. He never touched me again, yet that didn't stop him from staring, watching and wanting me. I started dating, trying to erase the shame, looking for love in all the wrong places and getting my heart broken one time too many from broke-ass niggas promising the world. Instead, all I got was a sore coochie and a wet ass. By my junior year, I started to believe I was no better than my trick-ass mama. By the time I graduated, I had come to the conclusion men weren't shit and I wasn't about to risk my heart to another. No more being used and abused. It was time for me to be on top. Determined to have more than I came from, I went to college and used every mothafucka who came up in my face trying to run game. As a result, I was the baddest female on campus. You wanted some head, it cost you. You wanted to play with my titties, it cost you. You wanted some ass, you better believe I charged the hell out of all them tired brothas. My rationale was that a female is going to give a man some anyway, so why not get paid for your time? My roommate thought I was crazy, but she was singing a different tune when she got her heart broken by one jock after another and had nothing to show for it but the baby growing in her belly. Fuck that! I kept a stash of condoms, because when I walked away, I didn't want to have to remember his name. Trust and believe, I had brothas falling all over me, but I was only interested in the size of their wallets. No one had a chance of stealing my heart. That is, until I met Leon.

He was a senior who was going places. He loved me, and I loved everything he did for me. With a degree in finance and a job offer from the largest bank in the states, I knew he could provide me the life I was intended to live. So when he asked me to marry him, I gladly dropped out of school and followed him around. With his six-figure salary, he introduced me to fine dining and vacations in the Caribbean. He bought my first house and a fancy car, and it wasn't long before I grew accustomed to my new lifestyle and I never once looked back. I came a long way from that little lost ghetto girl. After all that I went through, I deserved everything life had to offer me plus some. I never saw my mama and rarely contacted my brothers. I couldn't. They were all painful reminders of a life I no longer wanted to remember. I was now Trinette Meyers-Montgomery. Married to a CFO. Who would have ever guessed it? I was willing to do whatever it took to take my life to the next level. By any means necessary. Call me a whore. A user. Whatever. Ms. Netta considers herself a survivor.

I climbed out the shower, reached for a plush cream bath towel and wrapped it around my body, then moved into the master suite and took a seat on the bed while I rubbed my body down with mango-scented lotion. Leon said I always smell good enough to eat. I giggled at the thought. That night, I wanted him to get his eat on for sure, because a sistah had an itch that needed to be scratched. I blew out a breath at the thought of Cory's pathetic ass. I don't know what in the world I was thinking. I'm a woman to be wined, dined and pampered. The only thing I found impressive about Cory was his lottery winnings and his crooked dick. He always managed to find my spot, but even that wasn't enough for me to take him back after his money ran out. I hoped the sex with Leon would be better this weekend.
Yeah, right
. I wasn't going to put much stock in that possibility. Our sex life lost its spark ages ago, and I just wasn't interested in putting in the extra work required to bring it back. However, that night I was on a mission.

My cell phone rang. I retrieved it from my purse and gasped when I saw the number. “What are you doing here so early?” I barked into the receiver.

“I love you too,” Leon replied with a hearty chuckle. “I caught an early flight. Unlock the door. I'll be pulling up in a second.”

Shit! I hung up, then put on a new white teddy I bought at the mall. I hated rushing and Leon knew it. I believed in order and things being planned out, and he had ruined the romantic mood I had intended to set.

I reached for a lighter and quickly lit the scented candles I had positioned around the room, then pulled back the comforter and unlocked the front door just as I heard a car pull in the driveway. Leon always insisted on renting a car for the weekend. That way his wife was at home waiting when he arrived. I slid my feet into a pair of classy high-heel slippers with white fur on the top, then moved to the bedroom door and struck a pose. Within seconds the front door opened and he was standing in the living room below with that big, ugly green suitcase I hated so much. I smiled down at him. “Hey, sexy.”

“Back at you,” he said while staring at me as if I were a movie star. Leon came up the stairs and I met him halfway. Wrapping my arms around his neck, I kissed him. “I missed you so much,” he murmured against my cheek.

“Me too.” I missed him, but I was sure it was nothing like what he was feeling. I mean, I just saw Leon for both Christmas and New Year's less than two weeks ago. I don't know what it is with men, but they act like they can't go a day without lying up in some coochie. Now I know Netta's got the best stuff in town, but damn can a sistah get some air.

I took my husband's hand and led him up the stairs to our room and helped him undress. “How was your flight?” I asked, because Leon loves small talk.

“It was long. Now I'm ready to snuggle up with my wife.”

Men
. “I can't wait to hold you either, boo-boo.” I knew exactly what my husband wanted to hear.

I unbuttoned his shirt, then brought my lips to his chest and kissed a trail from one nipple to the other just the way he liked it. He moaned and I smiled, then reached for the buckle, unzipped his pants and slipped my hand inside. My man doesn't have the biggest dick in the world, but what he got is just enough for me to take a nice, long ride. That's if he can stay hard long enough.

Leon started taking off my clothes. I pushed him back onto the bed and straddled him and began kissing him, starting at his neck and working my way down. Like clockwork, he started moaning.

“Oh, baby, that feels gooood.”

Of course it did.

“I can't wait too much longer.”

He never could.

“It's been too long,” he moaned. “The first one's gonna be quick.”

It always was.

“The next one will be longer, I promise.”

I rolled my eyes. He always did.

I lowered on his length and rode him hard, and Leon was right. Before I even had a chance to come, he was crying out.

“I'm coming, baby! Oooh-weee!”

I rocked my hips and pretended to come as well, then collapsed on top of him, showering light kisses along his neck and cheek.

“I missed you so much,” he said with a sigh.

“Me too, boo. Me too.” I rested my head on his chest, then sighed long and heavy. “Leon, I'm almost certain I'm gonna get Yolanda's job.”

“That's great,” he replied around a yawn.

“I just need to be patient a little longer, and when she leaves in a few months, I am certain her job will be mine.”

“Uh-huh.”

I wrapped my arms around Leon and held him tight. “Boo, if I play my cards right, I'm gonna be able to transfer to the Richmond office before I know it so that we can be together. I can't wait until we're living together again.”

“Me either, baby.”

Okay, here we go. “Uh, Leon, sweetie, I was thinking…it's time to sell my condo. The rates are low right now, and I think this is as good a time as any to buy something else at a good price. That way when we move to Richmond we'll have rental property back here. You said we needed a tax write-off. I think a new house would be a good move.”

“What's wrong with this condo?”

I sat up on the bed. “Leon, this neighborhood is going downhill! Folks been knocking on the door begging for money.” Actually I was exaggerating. My neighborhood wasn't that bad, but he didn't need to know that.

“Uh-huh,” Leon said, then rolled over and closed his eyes.

Uh-uh. Oh, hell, no. He wasn't going to sleep until we finished talking. “Boo, we need to talk about this. This is important.”

“I hear you, Netta, but I'm tired.”

“You got all night to sleep! I want to talk about buying a new house. If we don't sell this condo, I won't ever be able to get rid of it. We've got to start thinking about our future.”

“The future is living in Richmond together.”

I wrapped my arms tightly around him and started kissing his chest. When you want something, the best thing to do is to let your man know how much you need him. “I look forward to living in Richmond, but sweetheart, it's time for things to be about me. I need to finish this master's program and I need to get that director's position.” I quickly added, “But that doesn't mean I don't love you.”

“I love you too, Netta.”

I gave him a few kisses before I continued. “Leon, I would like to sell the condo.”

“Why? We're just gonna use it again as rental property.”

“Haven't you been listening to anything I have been saying? I don't wanna stay in this neighborhood. There have been several break-ins recently.”

Leon gave me a worried look. “Maybe I need to get you a security system on the condo.”

“No, what we need to do is sell this place. The neighborhood is going down. Did I mention they're renting the condo on the end with Section 8? I really think it's a good time to sell. We've got plenty of equity in this place, and with the housing market so low I…I mean
we
could get a deal on another house.”

“You're probably right,” Leon replied, although he still didn't look totally convinced.

“Then after I get Yolanda's job, graduate and move to Richmond with you, we can decide if we wanna rent it or sell it at that point.”

His head started bobbing.

“Leon, if you don't wake up! I really want this.” I straddled him and allowed my mouth to travel downward as I spoke. He immediately woke up and started moaning. “Mama needs a new house,” I purred.

“Hmmm, and daddy needs some head.”

I gave him a hard look. “Leon, I'm serious. We've owned this condo since we first got married. It's time to let it go and invest in something else.”

“You're probably right,” he said, and I smiled and started kissing him again. “As soon as you pay off all those credit cards we can start looking.”

“I already paid them off,” I mumbled against his chest.

Leon raised my head so he could look me in the eyes with skepticism. “You have? Since when?”

“Since I promised I would pay them all off.” Damn, my ass was lying. Not only had I not paid them off, I had gotten three or four more credit cards he knew nothing about.