Confessions (10 page)

I don't know what was wrong with me. It took weeks, even months, before I realized I was even interested in being more than just friends with Donovan, but with Kenyon…it was different. Every time he called, my heart raced like some teenager, and each time he came over, my coochie got wet just at the sight of him.

We'd been dating for a week, and already I was wondering what it would be like to share my life with him. Every date left me wanting more of his smiles, and laughter, and his love-making. Despite the rumors, the man was definitely skilled in the bedroom. I found myself often thinking about his naked body lying on top of me, being inside of my body. I just couldn't seem to get enough of him. What in the world was wrong with me?

“We're about to go back on the air!” yelled one of the assistants, snapping my ass out of a trance. Commercial break was over.

“Welcome back! This is Nikki and you're listening to
Truth Hurts
. Tonight we've been talking about love at first sight. And y'all came with some tripped-out stories! As I said earlier, I wanna know if it really exists. If you've felt that way about someone, please give me a call at 832-HURT.” The lines were already lit up. “Caller, you're on the air.”

“Yeah, I believe in love at first sight. I met my man at my friend Shawna's house. He was so fine with broad shoulders and pretty eyes—”

Uhhh-uhhh, I didn't ask how he looked. “How long did the relationship last and are the two of you still together?”

“Well, uh, it only lasted one night but it's been two years and I'm still in love with him.”

Oh, brother. “Next caller.”

“Yeah, Ms. Nikki, there is no such thing as love at first sight. That's just lust.”

“And you don't think lust and love can be interchangeable?”

“Absolutely not. All that is are hormones running wild.”

“That's an interesting concept. Lust is the body wanting what the body wants. I ain't mad. But anything worth truly having is worth working for. Hmmm, I'm going to end the evening with an e-mail from Junior. Y'all know Junior; he's been unlucky with love. Last month we hooked him up with a caller, and he sent me this e-mail.

“‘Ms. Nikki, thank you so much for the hookup. It's wonderful to know there are people out there like myself who believe in true love. You won't be hearing from me again. I think I finally got it right this time, and it's all because of you.'”

“Well, isn't that sweet. I wish Junior all the best. And to all of you others out there who believe in love at first sight…you only live once, so enjoy it while it lasts. Hopefully for you, it's a lifetime. Good night.”

I got off the air and slid away from my desk. Another successful night. My cell phone rang. I glanced down and smiled when I saw it was Kenyon.

“Hey, you. Got time for a drink?”

The sound of his voice made my nipples hard. “Yeah, a drink sounds fabulous.”

“I'll meet you at your house in an hour.”

I wrapped up the night and made it home to find Kenyon already waiting in front of the house. I frowned. There were several things I liked about Kenyon, but I forgot to mention there was one thing about him I didn't like. His promptness. I was used to a man being just a little late. I hadn't even parked yet and he was already coming around to my car and was opening the door for me.

“Hey, baby.”

The second I saw his dimples, I melted. He is so sexy. In his hand was my favorite bottle of wine. I climbed out the car smiling, and he pulled me toward him and kissed me hard on the mouth. I welcomed his tongue and leaned back against the car, allowing the weight of him to rest against me. Oh, he was a magnificent kisser. But then I was an excellent teacher.

“Come on. Let's go inside before I get some of that right here in front of the house.”

Laughing, I walked onto the porch and spotted a long box leaning against the screen door. “What is that?”

Kenyon's eyes sparkled with laughter as he shrugged. “I don't know. Why don't you look inside and see?”

I turned the lock, then reached for the box and stepped into the house. Kenyon followed me into the living room. After tossing my purse onto the couch, I took a seat and released the ribbon and looked inside. I gasped. Six huge red roses.

“These are gorgeous. Did you buy me these?” He must have placed them on the porch before I had arrived. No wonder he was early.

“I don't know, did I?” He tried to hide a smile, but I'd been around him long enough now to know when he was trying to stay humble. Kenyon was always doing things like that. Buying me candy and flowers and taking me out to dinner. It was as if every day he thought of some way to put a smile on my face.

I set the box aside and straddled his lap. “Thank you, Kenyon.”

“You're welcome, baby.”

He smelled so good I kissed and licked him along his neck, then started unbuttoning his shirt.

“Don't you want some wine first?” he murmured.

“What I want…tastes better than wine.” I released the last button, then undid his pants and reached inside and released him.

Kenyon moaned. “Damn, baby.”

“Oh, you ain't seen nothing yet.” I dropped down to my knees and swallowed him between my lips. Within seconds my head was bobbing up and down at his crotch and he was moaning.

“Nikki, stop before you make me nut on myself,” Kenyon warned.

I released him. “Uh-uh, not before I feel you inside of me.”

I got up and quickly shed my clothes, and he dropped his pants. “Lean over the chair. I wanna get it from behind.”

I assumed the position and guided him inside my body where my coochie immediately clamped around his penis.

He gave a loud moan. “Oooh-weee…yeah, I missed being inside of you.”

I rocked my hips and met his strokes, and within minutes my juices started flowing and I was speaking in tongues.

“You like that, baby?” he asked.

“Yessss…oooh, I like that!”

“You love what daddy's doing to you?”

“I love it! Oooh, I love it!” He gripped my hips and pumped my ass against his dick, and I was coming so hard, I screamed out with release. It was just too good. How had I gone this long without it? “That's it! Don't stop. Puhleeeeeze don't stop!” I wanted to feel every inch he had, and since his thing was so skinny, I squeezed my muscles tightly around him.

“I ain't going nowhere. Nowhere!” he cried.

I came hard and Kenyon came right behind me. “Oooh, that was good,” I panted. I was so out of breath.

“This is only the beginning.” Kenyon trailed kisses down my back. “Baby, I already told you. You got me. I'm not going anywhere. This…” He took my hand and wrapped it around his dick. “This belongs to you.” He kissed the side of my neck. I'm ticklish as hell. All I could do was thrash on the chair, laughing and screaming at the same time.

“Kenyon, stop!” I cried out. He tickled me one last time, then stopped and slapped me playfully across the butt.

“You are silly.” Rising, he retrieved the bottle of wine. “I'll grab the corkscrew and meet you in the room.”

“Okay.” I dashed into my room and reached for a bottle of Mediterranean perfume and sprayed it in the air. I loved for my room to smell like a floral paradise. Still giggling, I went over and pulled the comforter back on the bed. I couldn't remember the last time I felt that happy and alive. It didn't even bother me that I was about to share my bed for the first time with someone other than Donovan. Until this moment, my room had been off limits. Instead we made love in the family room on the floor in front of the fireplace. But tonight was going to be different. I was ready to take our relationship a step further.

The phone rang and I was tempted not to answer it, but it was my mother. Big Mama had been home for three days. Today was her first day of physical therapy, and she was probably wondering why I hadn't dropped by before I went into the station that night. I had intended to, but I had stayed late at the bookstore, then ran out for Chinese before going on the air.

“Hey, Mama.”

“Nikki.”

Something about the sound of her voice made my heart still. “Mama, what's wrong?”

“S-She's gone. Big M-Mama's gone.”

I froze. “What! When?”

My mama was crying now. “S-She stopped breathing a couple of hours ago, but you…you were on the air and…and I didn't want to bother you. There was no point in upsetting you.”

“What do you mean? That's my grandmother! Where is she now?”

“S-She's still here. The funeral home's on their way to pick her up.”

This couldn't be happening. Mama was lying. She had to be. “Don't let them touch her until I get there! I'm on my way.” I hung up the phone, then looked in my closet trying to find something to wear. I had to get to Big Mama. She needed me. I needed her. “Big Mama, why didn't you wait?” I crumpled to my knees. “No!” I screamed at the top of my lungs. She couldn't be gone. “No!”

Kenyon came running down the hallway calling my name. “Nikki…Nikki…baby, where are you?” He stepped into the room and found me still down on my knees, crying my eyes out. “Baby? What happened?” he asked, and dropped on the floor beside me.

“Sssshe's gone!” I screamed. “Big Mama's gone!”

I saw the panic on his face. “Oh, no.”

“Whyyyyy!” I screamed at the top of my lungs, and Kenyon tried to hold me in his arms, but I clawed and kicked and screamed, trying to get him off of me. “Let me go…dammit…let me go!”

“Nikki, I got you. Let me be there for you,” he pleaded while he pinned my arms to my sides.

I finally collapsed against him and couldn't stop crying. “She's gone. My g-g-grandmother's…gone.”

“I know, and I'm so so sorry. But she's at a better place. I know you don't wanna hear that yet. But she told us when we went to see her, she was ready to meet her Jesus.”

This couldn't possibly have been happening. It was a dream. I just knew it. “I'm not ready yet. I-I should have gone to see her today. I-I should have been there after work like I had promised.” I screamed again, and Kenyon covered my mouth.

“Shhh! Baby, you've got to calm down.”

“Don't tell me to calm down! My grandmother is dead! You hear me. Dammit, she's dead!”

I threw punches at him, then got up from the floor and raced into the living room stark naked. Kenyon caught me before I made it into the kitchen and carried me back to my bedroom, kicking and screaming. “Get out of my house! You hear me. I want you to get the fuck out!”

“Nikki…no, you don't.”

“Yes…I…do.” I tried to punch him, but he blocked my hand and I started crying loud again.

Kenyon carried me to the bed and lay down beside me. “Baby, you'll just have to be mad at me, because I'm not leaving until I know you're gonna be okay.”

I'm never going to be okay again, didn't he understand that? “I want Big Mama. Oh, my God! I need to go see her. I've got to go and see her now!” I struggled to get up, but he wouldn't let me go. “Stop it! I need to see her.”

“Okay, I'll take you to her, but first you need to calm down.” He wrapped his arms tightly around me. “I'm gonna be right there with you. I told you. I'm never going anywhere. I love you, girl. I love you so much.”

I was hurting and I clung to him, crying my eyes out. I had just lost the most important person in my life. I looked up into his loving eyes and felt a tug at my heart. There wasn't anything he wouldn't do to make me happy, and I love him for that. “I love you too.” Maybe not in the same way he thought he loved me, but I did feel love for the man he was. I was sure in time, if I opened up my heart and let go of the past, I'd be able to love Kenyon with all my heart and soul.

I hate funerals and usually refuse to go to one unless it's my immediate family. The only reason why I was even there was because Nikki's my girl and Big Mama was like a grandmother to all of us.

I wasn't surprised Nikki was taking it hard. Real hard. During the funeral services she dropped to her knees and screamed at the top of her lungs. I was crying so hard myself, for a split second I was actually glad Kenyon was there to help her back to her seat. Today, he was her rock. Donovan wasn't there and she needed someone. I just wished it was someone other than that crazy mothafucka.

We were at the gravesite and they were getting ready to lower Big Mama in the ground. Kenyon was sitting in the front seat right alongside Nikki, her sister and mother like he had been a part of their family for years.

“Ashes to ashes, dust to dust…”

Nikki's bottom lip quivered and the tears started falling again. Kenyon was right there, pulling tissues out of his pocket, mopping her face. You would have thought he had been with Nikki for years the way he was all up under her and doing what he thought was best. When Nikki moved to put a red rose on top of her grandmother's coffin, he took her hand and moved up along with her. Just as they started to lower the coffin into the ground, Nikki collapsed. I pushed through the crowd.

“Y'all let me through!” By the time I made my way to the front, Kenyon had already scooped Nikki into his arms and was carrying her back to the limo. I followed and took the seat across from him.

“Lay her down,” I ordered.

He gently lowered her head.

I moved beside Nikki and patted her gently against the cheek. “Nikki…girl…can you hear me?”

She mumbled something, then started crying softly. Kenyon instantly pulled her in his arms again and held her close. His expression looked as if he was seconds away from passing out himself.

“Are you okay?” I asked.

He started shaking his head. “Yes, but my baby isn't. She's been trying to be strong, but I knew she was gonna fall apart. That's why there was no way I couldn't be here today.”

Okay, whatever. The way his bottom lip quivered, he looked like he was ready to cry. If he had, I swear I would have laughed.

I reached for a tissue and mopped her forehead. “Nikki's gonna be okay. She and Big Mama were really close. Time will heal all wounds.”

“I know…. That's why I plan to be by her side the whole time. I've already talked to my boss about taking some time off.”

I rolled my eyes. “The last thing she needs is to be smothered.”

He looked offended. “I'm not gonna smother her, but she doesn't need to be alone.”

“I'll stay a few nights with her.”

“You don't have to,” he said quickly. “I was planning to stay with her anyway.”

Damn! Ain't nothing worse than a needy man. “I'm sure, but I already planned to spend the weekend with my girl…. My bag is already in the car.”

Kenyon looked like he was about to say something else but thought better of it. “Okay, well, if you need anything…”

“I won't,” I replied, cutting him off with my tongue and a roll of the eyes. “Nikki, you go ahead and let it out, girl. This is your time.” I started patting her back, and slowly the sobs stopped. She just sat there on Kenyon's lap with her face buried against his chest.

I wanted to talk to my girl alone, but that definitely wasn't happening with the way Kenyon was clinging to her as if his grandmother had passed away.

“Baby, it's gonna be okay,” he murmured. “Everything is gonna be okay,” he murmured closer to her ear.

The crowd had moved away from the gravesite, and everyone was getting in their cars, heading back to the church for dinner.

“I'll see y'all back at the church.”

Kenyon gave me a smile and looked relieved I was finally leaving so he could have Nikki all to himself. Maybe it was just jealousy, but something about Kenyon rubbed me the wrong way.

I climbed out the limo and moved across the grass to where Nikki's sister, Tamara, was heading my way. I stopped and squeezed her hand.

“How's Nikki?” she asked.

I shook my head. “Not too good.”

Tamara gave me a solemn look. “Well…at least she has Kenyon. That man has brought a lot of joy to my sister's sad life.” She squeezed my hand again, then moved inside the limo. Nikki and her sister were never close. When Tamara turned eighteen she moved west and rarely ever called or came home. At least she took the time to pay her respects.

I stood and watched as Nikki's mama and aunts climbed in, then I moved to my car and followed.

Back at the church, Nikki walked around like a zombie while Kenyon held her hand. He loved every second of her needing him, and for some reason it bothered me. Lord, forgive me, but I was sitting in a church thinking, what does this man have that makes Nikki like him so much? Rumor had it he wasn't working with much, but I know folks be hating so you can't believe everything you hear, but at the same time I wondered what she found so attractive about a clinging man.

Brushing my ill feelings aside, I went over and tried to get Nikki to eat, but she shook her head and Kenyon told me, “She'll be okay. She had toast this morning.” I rolled my eyes and walked away. I mingled with her family who were all raving about the new man in poor Nikki's life. She had brought him over to her mother's for dinner and he had such manners and she deserved a good man after everything she had gone through. I agree, she did deserve a good man, but not him. Lord, please forgive me because I knew this wasn't the place. The sooner I could get rid of Kenyon for the evening, the better.

I parked my car in front of Nikki's house around seven. Kenyon had parked his in the center of the driveway, taking up both parking spaces. I moved up to the door, rang the bell and waited for what felt like forever before I rang the bell again. When no one answered, I stuck my key in the lock and walked in.

“Anyone here?” I called. I moved through the kitchen, and Kenyon came from the family room and gave me a puzzled look.

“How did you get in?”

No, he didn't. “Uh…unlike you…I do have a key.” I rolled my eyes.

He held up his hands, signaling he meant no harm. “I was just wondering, because I locked the door.”

I brushed past him and went into the family room where Nikki was curled up on the couch. When I stepped into the room, she gave me a sad smile. “Hey, girl. I didn't hear the doorbell.”

“I rang twice, then I used my key.” I took a seat beside her and reached inside my bag. As soon as I pulled out a bottle of tequila, she smiled. “I figured you could use a drink.”

“Yeah. Margaritas sound really good about now.”

Kenyon came into the room, hands in his pockets, looking nervous. “Nikki, I'm gonna clean the kitchen and put all that food away for you.”

I stepped in. “Don't worry about it…. I'll do it later. We might wanna get our eat on after we start drinking.”

“Oh, yeah? What are you drinking?”

“Margaritas.” And before he could set his lips to ask, I added, “We're about to have some
girlfriend
time.”

The frown on his face was clear. He had heard the emphasis that he was not invited and it was time for his needy behind to go. “Well…I guess I'll go. You need anything? I can run up to the store and get you another bottle of ibuprofen.”

“No need. I've got one in my purse…see.” I held up the bottle and smiled.

“I'm fine, Kenyon, but thank you for everything.”

“Nikki, you know I'll do anything for you and your family.” He moved over and gave her a kiss. Then he headed toward the door with his hands in his pockets again. “I'll call you later and see how you're doing. Okay?”

I rose. If I didn't help him to the door, he would never leave. “Let me lock the door behind you.” By the time we reached the door, he looked so sad I figured I needed to at least say something nice. “Thanks for being there today.”

He smiled. “You don't have to thank me. I love Nikki and wouldn't do anything to hurt her. I know Big Mama meant the world to her. She was a nice lady and I miss her myself.”

I screwed up my nose. He made it sound like he'd known Big Mama for years. “Yes, she was very important to all of us.” I swung the door open.

“Take care of my baby,” he said.

“Don't worry, I will.”

I watched his needy ass walk down the steps, looking like he didn't have a friend in the world. Halfway down, Kenyon turned around. “You think Nikki would like it if I went and bought her some flowers?”

I couldn't believe this fool was trying to find any excuse he could so he could come back. “Not tonight. I've got things under control. Go hang out with yo ho'ish friend Jay. Tell him to holla at a sistah.”

Kenyon chuckled. “I'll do that.”

I waited until he pulled off. As I shut the door a thought came to mind. I opened the screen and rang the doorbell. Nothing. No wonder she didn't hear me ring. She had one of those wireless doorbells, so I took it off the frame and carried it into the kitchen.

“Kenyon gone?” Nikki called from the family room.

“Yes.” Finally. With his needy ass. “By the way, your doorbell isn't working. You got some extra batteries?”

Instead of just telling me, Nikki rose and stepped into the kitchen, then pointed to the drawer to the right of the microwave. “Yeah, there in that junk drawer on the end.”

I opened the drawer and removed a small screwdriver and popped open the cover. I looked inside, frowned, then held the doorbell up for her to see. “You don't have any batteries in here.”

She gave me a weird look. “That's strange. It was working just fine when my family started raiding my house this morning.”

I looked at her and rolled my eyes. “That clingy-ass man of yours removed the batteries.”

Nikki laughed as if what I said was ridiculous. “Why would he do that?”

“So you wouldn't hear the doorbell when I came over…so he could have you all to himself.”

She was laughing hard now. “Why in the world would he do something that crazy?”

“Why you think? 'Cause that stalker doesn't want you with anyone but him. He's too clingy.”

Nikki shook her head. “Girl, shut up and hook me up with a margarita.”

I was glad she was laughing, but I wasn't done talking about her man. I waited until we both had a drink in our hands before I brought him up again.

“So what's he working with?”

Nikki gave me a strange look. “Excuse me?”

“Come on. Paint the picture. Take me there,” I encouraged.

“Netta, I am not answering that question.”

“Shit, I figured he threw the whoo-whoo on you the way you been acting.”

Blushing, she responded, “The whoo-whoo? You a fool! Kenyon is just a really nice guy.”

I cracked a smile. “So you're saying the rumors aren't true?”

“What rumors?”

“That his ding-a-ling is only this big.” I held up a pinky finger.

Nikki rolled her eyes, but I could tell she was struggling to keep a straight face. “No. The rumors aren't true. I told you about listening to folks around here.”

I shrugged. “Hell, you can't hate me for trying to look out for you.”

Shaking her head, Nikki returned to the family room. I put the doorbell back, made sure it worked. It did. And made us some frozen margaritas using her blender. As soon as I filled two glasses, I moved into the family room where Nikki was either watching TV or staring into space. “Here you go.”

“Thanks.” Nikki leaned back on the couch and took a sip. “Mmm, Netta, you know you make the best margaritas.”

“Thanks, girlfriend.” I got comfortable on the couch and crossed my legs. “Seriously, Nikki, talk to me. I wanna know what you like about Kenyon. He just seems too needy, and you know I can't stand a needy man.”

She made a face. “He isn't needy. If anything I think he's a little insecure, which is hard to believe as fine as he is.”

I wouldn't have said all that.

“He is really a nice guy. We talk, I mean we talk for hours about everything, and that is something Donovan and I never did. We laugh. I haven't laughed so much in years. He has a wonderful sense of humor.”

“Girl, but he seems so wimpy. He was practically crying this afternoon.”

“He isn't wimpy. As soon as I found out Big Mama had passed, Kenyon was there by my side. I don't think I could have gotten through the last few days without him.”

I was her best friend and I hated knowing she needed someone else more than she needed me. It wasn't like we were licking pussies, but she's my best friend. Enough! I was already sick of talking about his needy ass.

“How you feeling now that everything's over?”

She shrugged. “About as good as can be expected. Now that she's gone, I feel so alone. Empty. I feel guilty I didn't go see her the day she died. I thought I had more time.” Tears streamed down her face, and I felt guilty.

“Nikki, I'm sorry for bringing her up.”

“No, really. I want to talk about her. Big Mama was my world, and knowing I will never see her again makes me so sad. I miss her so much.” She brushed fresh tears away.

Reaching over, I squeezed her hand. “I know, girl. I'll miss her too.”

Nikki shut her eyes and slanted her face toward the ceiling, fighting damn hard to maintain control. “I wrote Donovan. He and Big…Big Mama were close. I know he would wanna know.”

“I'm sure he would. Have you heard anything from him?”

Opening her eyes, she shook her head. “No…nothing.”

I wished there was some way I could get the two of them back together, because I didn't care what Nikki said, something about Kenyon just wasn't right.