Compulsion: Magnetic Desires (16 page)

Her breath brushed over my skin as she caressed my collarbone with her lips and nodded.

"What’s all this about, babe?"

"Nothing, it’s nothing."

"There’s something on your mind. Talk to me." I lifted her up.

"It doesn't matter. Let's go to bed."

As much as I wanted to slide under the sheets and fall asleep wrapped around her, I needed to know what was wrong. I let her go to pick up my phone from beside the bed and scrolled through my messages. There were six from her.

She reached for my phone. "Please don't read them. Not tonight."

Holding it above my head, I read the first one aloud. "Weird day. Call me." I thumbed down to the next one. "What are you doing? Why haven't you called me back?"

"I'm an idiot." Trying to get me to look at her, she took my face in her palms.

The next text sent a chill through me. "Who are you with? Is she better than me?" I raised my eyebrows and stared at her. "Are you fucking serious?"

"No, I mean, I thought..." She pouted.

At any other time it might have been enough for me to drop it, but she was accusing me of cheating on her when she couldn’t even admit we were in a relationship. "What? That I would cheat on you. Come on, Clo, you know me better than that."

She pressed her lips into a thin line. "I knew Zack better than that, but look how well that turned out."

"I am not him. I would never, and besides Zack was always..." I spun away from her, my shoulders crumpling. I’d nearly told her I'd known how Zack was for a lot longer than she had. It wasn't something she needed to know, and we were doing so well, the idea that she might not forgive me had me clamping my mouth shut.

"He was always what?" she snapped, pacing the room.

"It doesn't matter. What matters is you think I would do that, could do that to you."

"You can do whatever you want. We're only friends who fuck."

I wanted to vault over the bed and shake her. Instead, I clenched my fists by my sides, until my nails bit into my palms. "Is that what you really think?"

Silence ensued, and I wondered how she could be contemplating the answer when we both knew we were so much more.

"Yes." She sighed. "That's what I think."

Liar.
I swallowed and collapsed onto the bed. For the first time, I was too tired to fight with her. "I have to be up in three hours. You can stay, or you can go."

I waited for her to climb in beside me, but instead she turned the light out and moments later I heard the click of the front door shutting. That she could accuse me of being nothing more than a giant tumescent dick, made me want to act like one. The idea of dragging her to bed kicking and screaming gave me a moment of comfort, but I was no more a Neanderthal than the cheater she'd accused me of being.

How had we gotten here, with her running away again? We'd been making headway against the issues she struggled with, but tonight only served to highlight how much Zack had screwed her up. Did I have the stamina to keep up with her until I broke down the last of her barriers?

Gritting my teeth, I read the rest of her messages. It was fucking bullshit. Despite all our years of friendship where I had stood by her, she was letting fear dictate how well she knew me. Another text popped onto the screen with a whistle, and I opened it.
Sorry.

Her apology eased me, and the fact that she wasn’t sleeping either made me consider sending her a text, but I didn't know that I would be able to keep the anger out of my words. Dropping my phone on the bed, I closed my eyes. I could break through to her, hell, I would. Nothing was worth more to me. Tomorrow, we would talk, and I would make it clear I was not and never would be the man who fucked her over. "Anything for you, babe."

"T
he worst part was her fear and the way she let it take her over. She worked hard to push me away." He inspects his cuticles before he returns his gaze to the camera. "I loved her and I was ready to deal with whatever she threw at me, but sometimes she didn’t give me much."

June 2011

If I hadn’t had to work, I would have been at her house at sunrise. Sure, our fight had, in some ways, shocked me after how far we’d come, but it was a good thing. Underneath her defensive words, and the anger she’d aimed at me, was jealousy and fear. Even if it wasn’t obvious to her, I could see the idea of me being with anyone else affected her. Whether she was ready to admit it or not, she fucking loved me. Unfortunately, I hadn’t been prepared for that when she’d rocked up late at night and now I regretted it.

Determined to get her to realize it, I only gave her the day before I went to her house.

A second car I didn’t recognize was parked in the driveway when I got there. Parking the truck on the curb I jumped out and strode across the grass. Anybody but Hugh, and I’d be able to convince them to leave quickly so I could talk to my girl. If it was her Dad though, I grimaced. The man was still intimidating. I tripped over my own feet, and stumbled.

The front door squeaked open, and I glanced up to find Zack exiting her house. My fists clenched automatically, my gut dipping. What the hell was he doing here?

A smirk on his face, he brushed past me. "Clo has some news for you. I think you're going to like it."

News? What news?
Bristling, I fought the urge to take a swing at him. Sure his words got to me, but unless he provoked me I wouldn’t be the guy who couldn’t control his anger. Silently, I begged him to give me the opportunity to knock a few of his teeth loose.

Turning my back on the son-of-a-bitch, I rubbed at the ache building in my chest and pushed through the door. Whatever news he’d wanted to rub in my face would not be good, and the sooner I found out what it was the better. The fact that he was here, that she’d given him the opportunity to come back into her life, made my stomach roll. No good could come of it.

I found her in the kitchen, stretched up on tiptoe, trying to reach something on the top shelf of the pantry. Crossing to her, I maneuvered the bottle of bourbon easily and handed it to her. "What was Zack doing here?"

"Oh, I ran into him while running errands. We got to talking." She got two glasses from the cupboard.

If that was all, why was she avoiding making eye contact? Pouring liberal shots into the glasses, I handed her one. She took it, the liquid sloshing over the side and dripping on the floor in her haste. "Do you have any Coke?"

"Yeah. I, um. There should be some in the fridge." She sipped it straight while I got the mixer out of the fridge.

Adding Coke to her glass and mine, I contemplated how to pull answers from her when she was being so tight-lipped. "So, are you going to tell me what he was doing
here
?"

"I told you we were talking." She took another long sip of her drink.

I put mine down on the bench, leaning against the marble counter top, and exhaled. "What about?"

She fluttered her hand in front of her chest and moved to the other side of the counter. "Nothing really. Old times. That kind of thing."

"That kind of thing?" The notion that this situation was slipping through my fingers made my gut clench. "Talk to me, Clo."

Her cheeks hollowed and she blew out an audible breath, which made her bangs shift. "Fine. We talked about how we used to be, back before he..." she couldn’t stop the cringe that wrinkled her nose and the corners of her eyes, "... anyway, he apologized for the way it ended."

"Did he now?" I hadn’t meant for my voice to carry the chill I was fighting to hide from her.

"Yes." She pushed her glass toward me.

Glancing at it, I decided to ignore her plea for more alcohol. The situation was too raw, too important for false courage. "You believe him?"

"I don't know." She sank onto a stool and scratched at some invisible mark on the counter. "Sometimes I miss him."

My hand tightened around the glass, her admission cutting deep. I didn’t want to ask my next question. Didn’t want to know the answer. My pulse slowed, beating loudly in my ears as I pushed my heavy tongue to form the question. "Zack said something about good news?

A tear in the cuticle of one finger caught her attention, and she put it to her mouth. "It’s nothing really."

I wasn’t so certain. "What’s nothing, Clo?"

Her gaze darted to mine, and I realized I’d sounded harsher than I meant to, but the vise-like grip of some invisible hand squeezing my heart was making it hard to keep calm.

"We're going to go out for dinner." She spoke slowly, quietly as though she’d only just made this decision.

"Out? Like a date?" Were we even having this conversation? We couldn’t be. She wouldn’t let him in like that. She wouldn’t push me away like that, would she?

"No. Yes. I guess so." Now her gaze stayed on me, no longer avoiding locking with mine. I took a step back under the weight of her seriousness.

"You're kidding, right?" All she had to do was grin, or even giggle, and I’d know she was joking. One simple gesture and the weight on my chest would lift.

"No."

"But..." I moved to her side, spun the stool so she was facing me. "He destroyed you, Clo. He broke your heart, and your trust. I picked up the goddamn pieces. Seeing you like that, after he cheated on you, it almost broke me. I love you. I’ve offered you everything. I don’t understand..." Shaking my head, I ran a finger over her cheek to flick away a stray eyelash. "Why would you even consider it?"

"Maybe he’s changed. It’s possible," she whispered, her freckles standing out against the sudden paleness of her skin.

Stepping back, I pressed a hand to my abs as I swallowed hard against the bile making its way up my throat. Of all the things I had expected to tear us apart, I'd never imagined it would be this. It couldn't be real, could it? "You’re seriously considering this? What about us, Clo? What about what we have?

The squeak of the stool as she shifted on it was the only sound in the kitchen while I waited for her answer.

Finally, she cleared her throat, her voice cracking, "I love you, Orion, but I don't think it's a good idea to make this relationship more than it is."

Her words were physical blows to my chest. We were good together. No, we were fucking great together, and she knew it. Sometimes it was hard, but the good had outweighed the bad, and despite our past, and her baggage, I made her happy.

"Why?" I stood in the ray of dust-filled light that filtered through the kitchen window, and hugged my arms to my side. "Answer me that. We’re good together. Why can't you admit you're happy with me?"

Getting off the stool, she crossed to the window, taking a moment before she answered. "I am happy with you."

Those five words echoed in my ears. They were real, perhaps the only true thing she’d said since I’d arrived. Turning to me, her eyes widened as she realized it too. This moment was the truth in a trough full of lies, and for the first time since I walked in her front door, the weight on my chest eased.

Palms out, I approached her. "Then why would you throw it away on him?"

Hands up to my chest, she kept me from taking her into my arms, though she shook the entire time. "I know what to expect with him. He can't hurt me any worse than he has, but you..."

Her eyes watered, and she turned from me in an effort to hide her emotion, but the shaking of her shoulders betrayed her. "What about me?"

"If you disappointed me, it would destroy me. You mean too much to me to let that happen."

Hallefreakinlujah.
I meant too much to her. Maybe we were closer to breaking through these issues of hers than either of us had realized. Settling my hands on her upper arms, I pulled into my chest. "You’re scared, babe, and you’re trying to run away. I get that, but he isn’t the answer. You don’t need to do this. We can get past this."

"Let it go, Orion." Struggling in my arms, she tried to pull away. "Let me go."

"Can’t do that, love." I lowered my lips to her ear. "I’m a sure bet. I’m not going to hurt you, and I am going to be patient. You don’t need to run. Just give us time. That’s all we need. Can you do that?"

She quit wriggling and relaxed into me. Her breathing slowed, and I tightened my hold on her. "I—"

The front door banged shut and she jumped out of my arms. Zack entered the kitchen, darting glances between her and me as she scooted further away. He crossed the room to take her hands in his, and I shoved my balled up fists into my pockets.

"I’ll pick you up at seven, okay?" Could she not see the way he was smirking at me over her head?

The silence was deafening while we both waited for her to answer. My pulse thrummed in my ears. We’d been so close to breaking through the damage he’d caused. She’d finally been ready to accept that we were worth fighting for. Whatever she said now could make us or break us. She twisted to level a lingering glance at me over her shoulder. My lungs burned from a lack of oxygen.

"I can’t," she mouthed at me and turned back to Zack. "Yes, seven. I’ll be ready."

He pressed his lips to her cheek as I sagged against the sink. Then he leered at me and left.

"This is really what you want to do, Clo?"

"I need your friendship, Orion. I can’t afford to lose that."

"You’re making a mistake." I covered the distance between us and pressed my lips to her hair. "I don’t think I can go back to being friends, not when I know we could be so much more, if you’d let us."

"Please, Orion."

Letting her go was the hardest thing I’d ever done. It was almost as if my entire body ached from not being able to hold onto her. "If you change your mind..." I made my way to the front door, her trailing behind me. "When you change your mind, you know where I am. I just can’t be here to watch you let him hurt you again."

Pulling the door closed between us, I heard the quiet click of the latch falling into place.

"T
he months dragged, and I wavered between anger and hurt more than I care to admit. I caught myself thinking about her, and wondering whether she was lying in Zack’s arms." Orion shifts on the stool. "I’d push her to the back of my mind and try to forget her, but how do you forget someone who has been part of your life for so long?"