Claire's Song (30 page)

            Of course I hope Ryder doesn't hate me for telling Mrs. Weathersby about his cuts. He never told me why he did it and I should've pushed, but he left, just like Jamie. I was determined to pay closer attention, to not let him slip away, so I did the only thing I knew to do. But I hope most of all, Ryder understands that I did it because I love him.

            I realized that I fell for him a long time ago, and perhaps I thought I loved him then, but I didn’t truly love him until tonight. What works its way through my veins, my soul, what makes my heart beat is unselfish love for that boy. Love cannot be selfish and before I was so selfish, living in my grief for Jamie. I move closer, praying Ryder will see me. Praying that he still loves me. 

RYDER

            Cheers greet me and I feel a rush of adrenaline. This is better than I imagined as I look out across the packed house. And Claire did this for me. I move towards the mic and search for her face in the crowd. I'm opening with the first song I wrote her.

            "Thanks for having me. Enjoy," I say simply and am again greeted with cheers, whistles, and a few catcalls. It's enough to make me smile as I strum my guitar and sing those lyrics that come straight from the heart. No song has ever been as easy as this one; no one's ever made me feel this way to begin with. Claire came into my life completely unexpected and I wasn't even strong enough to stay away. I was selfish with her.

            Looking up from the guitar, I look across the crowd, suddenly desperate just for one glimpse of her black hair, those sad green eyes that light up when she looks at me. I know I screwed up with her, I could see it in her face when she saw the scars, but I need her to know that I never meant to hurt her, that I love her more than anything. Finally I find her, frozen and mesmerized, and our gazes collide. Claire looks different, better, happier, even though her eyes are red from crying and I wonder what happened. I trip over the lyrics, but quickly recover. She gives me a small smile and I give her one back. My heart comes alive, everything comes alive and I wonder what I'm doing.

CLAIRE

            Is it even possible to feel this much for one person? Ryder's singing the song he wrote for me, and he finally finds me in the crowd. This all feels so intimate, his words caressing my skin, his music kissing my ears. His eyes don't leave mine as he sings to me and only me and I can't help but smile. I feel those butterflies kicking around and I want to rush to him, throw my arms around his neck and kiss him senseless, whatever it takes to let him know that I was stupid to run away, to be so afraid. If anything, finding out about his cutting should've driven me closer, but fear, as always ruined my life. I refuse to let it reign over me anymore. I feel free, I feel amazing and I want to share this with Ryder.

             I'm a long way from being perfect when it comes to Jamie, and he will always hold a special spot in my soul, but I've never felt more right, more alive than standing here crushed among all these sweaty bodies, people elbowing my ribs, and listening to Ryder sing. I try to edge my way closer to the stage, my eyes never leaving his, not caring about anything but him. He's all I see.

RYDER

            She's moving closer and I can feel every part of me respond to her. Claire stops right in front of the stage and crosses her arms, a small smile dancing across those beautiful features. I've never seen that look in her eyes before and I wish I could stay around long enough to find out what it means. But if I do, I'll back out, and I don't want to. Do I? This has been my plan since freshman year and I can't just back out now. It's taken me this long to work up the nerve, to plan it, to play a show, but it's also taken me this long to stop being an idiot and fall in love with the perfect girl standing in front of me.

            After her song, I sing the last song I'll ever write. It's another one for Claire, my goodbye letter to her. I try to look at her while I sing it, but it's too hard. The emotion can be heard thick in my throat as I sing the dark lyrics.

           
The days are getting longer

            And I'm not getting stronger

            Through endless nights I wander

            A noma
d
with no place to call home

           
You, you my pretty girl, are the place I run, the one I love

            You have given this dark soul life amidst the pain and strife

            I'm looking at Claire and she looks introspective and worried. She knows. I can tell she knows.

            It's not your fault

            It's not your fault

            Please know it was never your fault.

CLAIRE

            I'm frantically trying to find the steps to get backstage. Everything finally clicks together as I hear the song and I know better than most what those dark words mean. They're a goodbye letter, a suicide note woven, hidden beneath the music. And it was penned to me. I'm not going to let this happen to me again. Ryder's still singing, finishing the last verse as I fight my way through the crowd, getting cussed out a few times, but not even caring enough to stop. My legs are wobbly as I make it to the stage steps, no security there, because these guys aren't famous. I slide past and see Ryder's guitar case; I'd know it anywhere with all those band stickers plastered haphazardly everywhere. My heart sinks because once again, I'm not good enough, but then I stop my mind from going there. That's not true at all. This has nothing to do with me, just like what happened with Jamie had nothing to do with me. This has to do with the decision someone else made and I refuse to let Lindy screw up my life, my thinking just because she's jealous. The song ends and I do all I can. I wait, even though I question my strength, because I feel like I’m about to pass out.

RYDER

            The crowd claps and cheers for me, and I wave and walk off the stage as quickly as I can. I lost Claire in the audience, but I have a good idea where she is. As soon as I clear the second curtain, I see her in all of her perfect and pissed off glory. She's shaking and I want nothing more than to hold her in my arms, to tell her that I want to be with her forever. I walk past her, my hands trembling as I put my guitar in the case and my fingers brush the rope. Doubts seep into my mind, resolve to die replaced with resolve to live. Not just for Claire, but for myself.

            "Ryder," Claire speaks. I snap the case shut and turn to look at her.

            "Yeah?" I ask, my voice betraying how eager I am to be near her.

            She takes a step closer, her arms still crossed over her chest, her eyes burning holes into mine. "Ryder…I…I figured some stuff out today," she starts. Like a magnet, I move closer to her, everything else disappearing, nothing else as important as this girl in front of me.

            "Like what?" I ask as soon as we're almost toe-to-toe. I could bend my head just a little and kiss her forehead.

            "Stuff you told me to figure out a long time ago, stuff about Jamie…" she pauses, looks suddenly nervous, but continues, "stuff about you."

            I say nothing. I'm paralyzed by her stare.

            "I love you, Ryder. I loved you before, but not like this. Before I was selfish, before I was…distracted, but it's always been you. Ever since that day you snapped at me for staring at you in Weathersby's class," she smiles and my God it lights up everything, even the smallest caves of darkness in my soul. That smile nearly kills me.

            A smile, completely involuntary, comes across my face, "You do?"

            Claire nods and tears fill her eyes. "I love you more than anything, Ryder. So will you stay? Stay with me?"

CLAIRE

            I'm putting it all on the line, everything that I have, every part of me. I'll never let him do this to himself, but I need to hear him tell me those words. He's staring at me and I can see the struggle in his eyes. He rubs his face, looks away and looks back at me, tears clouding his gaze.

            "I want to, Claire, but…" He stops and just shakes his head, runs his hands through his already messy hair.

            I step forward and put my arms around him, his body fitting perfectly to mine. "If you want to stay, then do it. There's no way I'm letting you leave me, whether you like it or not," I finally say, because it’s the truth and he needs to decide now if he'll hate me or love me, but at least either way he’ll be alive.

            He pulls away from me and stares, his eyes wide. I am at peace with his choice of hate or love for me. I don't even care, as long as he's here on this Earth. As long as I can look up at the night sky and know that somewhere, somehow, Ryder Andrews is looking up at the same sky too. That’s what matters most to me.

RYDER

            Everything falls away with her touch. Everything I've been carrying around with me, every last bit of it. This is what I want. I want to live and I want to go through everything, the good and bad, with Claire at my side. It all fell into place, each piece, like the most screwed up puzzle. I get it now. Life's a gift. Each small moment is a gift. Claire's the best gift, the gift that tops every single Christmas present I ever got as a kid. I think deep down I knew I couldn't leave her, couldn't leave this life in general. I want more nights playing on stage, I want more days with Claire curled under my arm, and I want more, I want everything with Claire.

            She's looking at me, scared out of her mind, but determination burning in those pretty eyes of hers.

            "Claire, all I want to do is stay with you," I whisper. And then she lets out a stifled sob and jumps in my arms, legs around my waist, clinging to me like I'm her lifeline and the irony isn't missed, although it's not thought about for long as my lips find hers in the darkness.

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

CLAIRE

            Ryder sings my song, the one he named "Claire's Song." I can practically hear the girls swooning at his voice, his lyrics, everything about him. We're at Punch Bunny's for a Christmas Eve show. They heard about how great Ryder was at Midtown's and wanted to book him. Yep, my boyfriend's a rock star.

            Backstage isn't as good as watching him perform out in a packed crowd, but Ryder asked me to be back here for this particular show. I look at his guitar case, the one covered in stickers of all the different bands he likes, most of which we have in common. I see the addition of a new sticker, one that makes every girly part of me leap for joy. There's a sticker with a heart and inside he wrote in permanent marker, "C+R." My fingers trace the outline of it and a smile forms on my lips.

            I roll up my cardigan sleeve and look at Jamie's initials and that smile deepens. I smile more often now when I think of Jamie. My therapist says I'm finally grieving like I'm supposed to, finally facing it. I can tell because I feel differently about everything. I feel like my love for Ryder is different, better. Stuff Lindy says rolls off my back because I realize that this is the best she'll ever be. And that's pathetic.

            Ryder is now doing a cover of Ryan Adams' "So Alive" and it gives me chills. This song could be on the soundtrack for my newfound happiness. My life's a movie and I make my own soundtrack. I smile to myself as I hear Ryder's voice, velvety and perfect weave its way into my heart.

            Things are better with his Dad, too. They seem to be working on patching things up and neither wants anything to do with his crazy mom. We've both applied to colleges, the same ones, of course. Ryder and I have been through a lot in a short span of months, but before he came along, it felt like that piece of the puzzle was missing, the one that always drives you insane, because you need it to complete the puzzle. Now that I've got it, the puzzle is complete and everything feels right. I know I'm just a high schooler and I don't know what the future will hold, but I know that I'd like to see where it goes with Ryder.

            Ryder finishes singing and the crowd cheers so loud, it almost hurts my ears. I can't help but smile and be all cocky, thinking, "Yeah, that's my man." Because he is.             He's doing much better with everything. He still wears his leather cuffs, but I know what's beneath them, now. He's been going to therapy for it and it seems to be working. He doesn't cut anymore and he said something about that night, that first night he ever played a show, seeing me out there in the audience, broke every single resolve he ever had to kill himself. Of course I worry that he'll get that feeling again, but the therapist says it's mild depression and it can be treated.

            Depression is a real thing and can really screw up someone's mind, their life, make them do things that they wouldn't normally do. Apparently, Ryder has been suffering since his Dad left town four years ago. It won't get better over night, but it's something he's working on, something we're working on. My mind wanders to Jamie and I wonder if he was depressed. I almost go down that old road, that familiar road of self-loathing, of what I could have done to prevent it, but I stop. I shake my head. There was nothing that I could've done. It was what Jamie wanted.